Working With Guilt

In this talk and guided practice, we explore how to work with the experience of guilt. Ultimately, guilt is a static energy that is self-limiting and impedes growth. While there are many forms of guilt, it is helpful to distinguish between personal guilt (for having caused harm to others), and existential guilt, where we feel that some aspect of ourselves is fundamentally flawed. It is also helpful to understand the difference between guilt and remorse. This is a 20min talk and 20min meditation.

Transcript

Why don't we start this morning with a couple minutes of breathing.

So if you will,

Please find a comfortable position wherever you are.

It'll just be for a minute or two.

Bring awareness to the natural movement of the breath.

Bring awareness to the body.

Use each exhalation to release any unnecessary tension from the body.

Allowing your awareness to soften more and more into your own being.

When you are ready,

You can generally become present.

Once more.

And we begin.

Today I'd like to talk about working with guilt.

I've had a few people request that I talk about guilt.

And I think it's a worthwhile topic to address because being human and particularly more so in modern society,

There is a lot of people experiencing a lot of guilt.

And that not only creates a greater degree of suffering,

But guilt often causes us to act in ways that create greater suffering for others.

Guilt is a complex and multifaceted experience of being human.

And it's not a simple correlation always.

There's often many different factors that contribute to it,

And there's different forms and expressions of it.

On one level,

Guilt can be something that is intergenerational,

That we learn from our parents and then sometimes pass on to our children.

There's many patterns that become intergenerational patterns because of the way in which we learn so much from our parents and our upbringing.

We are conditioned with value systems and ideas of right and wrong judgments about ourselves,

About others,

About the world,

From our parents and our upbringing and the environment that we're in.

And often that's unconscious and unintentional on the part of our parents.

And it's an expression of something they learned and might not even be aware of,

And often are not aware that they're passing it on.

And then that becomes part of our self-identity.

And then we end up embodying that energy and that conditioning and passing it on to others.

And so this is part of the reason why working with these patterns of guilt or of any condition habituated pattern and learning to release them and not manifest them and express them out in the world and in our relationships with others can be so healing.

Because as we release that,

Not only does it free ourselves from that pattern,

But it also stops the chain so that we don't continue passing that on to others.

And then finally,

The experience of guilt is rooted in fear.

It could be fear of having hurt someone,

Fear of being selfish,

Fear of not being good enough,

Fear of at some level knowing that we're acting from a place of ego and trying to impose our will on others rather than from a place of humility or from our natural state of love and compassion and wisdom.

With deeply ingrained patterns of guilt,

It is easy to carry this energy of feeling like we're not good enough or we will never be good enough,

That there is something fundamentally wrong with us at our core.

And that's a dangerous thing because if we don't have hope or the belief or trust that we can be better,

That we can be stronger,

More fully embodied humans,

If we don't believe that we have that deep well of compassion and wisdom and love as our natural state,

Then we reach a point where there no longer seems any point in trying to be better.

It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Because we believe we aren't good enough or will never be good enough,

We act in ways that perpetuate that story.

And then when we do something that fulfills that belief,

Then we feel vindicated and justified.

See?

I was right.

I'm not good enough.

It's one of those ironies of being human is that we often create these circular patterns that reinforce the story that is actually ultimately not serving us or making us feel good.

But it makes our ego feel good because it validates that we were right about ourselves to begin with.

As I said,

Guilt is often a result of conditioned patterns of thinking.

And these conditioned patterns entail judgments of good and bad and right and wrong.

And ultimately it makes us feel like there's something wrong with us or that we are wrong.

Now conditioned patterns of thinking such as this come from many sources.

As I said,

They can come from our parents.

They can come from the educational system.

They can come from news or from politicians or any external source of information that we're ingesting.

Because ultimately being human,

We are living and existing in a world of duality where we are taking in data and information that affects us.

And then the way that we are affected by it in turn changes how we respond and act in the outer world.

And so there's this feedback loop.

This is part of the reason why in certain spiritual traditions,

Serious practitioners will take retreats for extended periods of time or even live in a monastery for years or for the rest of their lives.

Because by going to a secluded place and getting away from all of those external stimuli,

It gives us a chance to see some of those patterns more clearly within the working of our own mind and ego.

And it gives us the space to release them.

And so for those of you that are more serious on your spiritual path and are really wanting to make changes,

Often one of the greatest things you can do if you have the ability is to take periods of time to step away from those interpersonal relationships that keep us acting in a habituated manner,

To step away from the news,

To take a little bit of time to work on yourself and to release those patterns.

And it takes practice and dedication.

But it's really important to start from acknowledging that we all have the ability to change and that the story that we cannot change or that there is some fundamental essence of who we are that is flawed and will always be that way,

That is a false reality.

And it only continues in our experience because we continue feeding it.

And so if we want to change,

We have to make that commitment to not continue feeding that false reality.

And it can be really hard because,

As I said,

It can be very gratifying.

It's ultimately feeding the ego,

Which can seem paradoxical at times because we're beating ourselves up,

Right?

We're being hard on ourselves when we feel guilty.

We're judging ourselves and we feel horrible.

So how can that be gratifying to the ego?

But as I said,

It's because it's making the ego feel like it was right to begin with.

And when we are hard on ourselves or beat ourselves up with feeling guilty,

We think at some level that that's going to make us change.

But it doesn't.

Ultimately when we're hard on ourselves in that way,

That isn't serving us and it isn't serving change.

It's actually self-indulgent by reinforcing our stories about ourselves and our self-identity.

And it reinforces our attachment to that conditioned level of self-identity.

In this regard,

It's interesting to note that guilt has a very close relationship to addiction and addictive behaviors.

And when we have an addiction,

Whether it's to a substance or to this aspect of self-identity that we want to reinforce,

The guilt actually continues and perpetuates that behavior.

And again,

When we have an addiction,

We think that if we beat ourselves up about it,

That we'll stop engaging that behavior.

But it actually creates an attachment and a feedback loop.

As I said at the beginning,

Guilt can take many forms.

And so sometimes it's helpful to distinguish between personal guilt for things that we have actually done and actions that we may have taken or words that we may have said that were hurtful to another that we regret and realized weren't appropriate.

And to distinguish between that and what could be called existential guilt or guilt over aspects of our sense of self-identity as we exist as individuated human beings.

And that existential guilt is,

As I said,

It's always conditioned.

And it can be from feeling like we're not good enough to having guilt about some aspect of ourselves that we see as wrong or have been conditioned to believe as wrong,

Such as our race or nationality,

Our level of wealth or living in a wealthier country than other countries,

About our gender.

And these are aspects of just who we are,

Who we've been born as or into this world as.

And yet sometimes we can be conditioned to think that there's something inherently wrong with that.

When it comes to personal guilt of things that we've actually done or said that created harm,

There is space to address this.

And here I like to differentiate between guilt and remorse.

Guilt is an energy that is static,

That just weighs us down and where we judge ourselves and we beat ourselves up and ultimately doesn't serve anything.

Remorse on the other hand is an experience whereby we feel that we've done something wrong and we take steps to address that and make it right.

The etymology of the word remorse has a relationship to penitence,

The act of feeling sorrow for having done something wrong,

And it's related to repentance.

So there is this energy of doing something to compensate,

To ask for forgiveness or to make it up.

Now with things that we've done or said that may have caused harm,

We don't always have the chance to address that with that individual that we may have hurt,

Either because we don't have that relationship in our lives anymore or they've passed away.

However,

We can still transform guilt into remorse by making a commitment to do better in the future,

To acknowledge that we could have done something better and that we want to do better in the future and to make a strong commitment to addressing that in our future actions and words and relationships.

This can lead to growth.

It can lead to change.

It's important to really deeply acknowledge to ourselves that being human,

We will all make mistakes.

This is an inherent part of life,

And so when we make mistakes,

We can either beat ourselves up about it and feel guilty,

Which as I said will actually only lead to a repetition of that behavior,

Or we can make a choice to acknowledge that we've done something wrong,

Take responsibility for it,

And vow to do better in the future,

And that will lead to growth.

The purpose is for us to learn and grow as individuals,

To use the gifts and unique abilities that we have to be of benefit to others and ourselves in our own path,

And to learn from our shortcomings and to grow.

To overcome the existential forms of guilt,

We need to work with letting go of these conditioned habits of thought,

To realize that we are worthy,

That every single person is worthy of love,

That every single person,

Including ourselves,

Has a true nature of love,

Compassion,

And wisdom,

And to realize that ultimately it is us ourselves that are responsible for touching into that love and light within,

And bringing that forth within us.

Because it's an ironic thing with guilt,

When we feel that we are not good enough for some existential reason,

Then we try to find other people to make us feel loved,

To fulfill that for us.

And ironically,

Often we are conditioned with that form of guilt from our parents or society,

Because others are trying to get that fulfillment of love from us and from others.

And so that's part of what creates that circular loop.

And the only way to cut that short is to realize that we are responsible for finding that love within,

And ultimately everybody else is also responsible for finding that love within,

That nobody can ever give them the love that they ultimately crave or are trying to get fulfilled through others.

Now we can help others to try to find that love within through pointing towards it and directing towards it,

But ultimately it's the finger pointing towards the moon,

And it's something that we all have to find for ourselves.

No one else can ever give it to us,

No matter how much we might want them to,

And no matter how much they might want to.

This is part of the experience of being human,

Is finding that source within.

And until we do,

We're all just kind of stumbling around blindly in the world of duality,

The world of samsara.

And that's what leads to so much suffering.

But that suffering always has a purpose,

And ultimately we will continue to suffer until we reach such a level of suffering that it causes us to have that dedication to make a change and to direct all of our intention and willpower towards finding that source of light and love within.

As I often say,

The way we act towards others is a reflection of how we view ourselves.

If we feel guilty,

We will often try to make others feel guilty.

When we discover this light within and love,

Then we are able to give it freely.

Darkness begets darkness,

Light begets light.

And we all have the choice of what to focus our energy on.

The antidote to guilt is self-forgiveness and self-love.

But first and foremost,

We have to know deep down that we are worthy,

That our true nature is love.

And we have to commit to focusing on that even when those thoughts and judgments of guilt keep intruding in our consciousness.

And it's a very cloying emotion.

And it's very addictive.

Which is why any time we have those feelings of guilt come in,

We need to look at it honestly and say,

Is this actually something that I have done wrong?

And is there something I can do to be better?

Or is this a conditioned,

Habituated thought form that is separating me from my inner light and love?

And that takes time and practice and a stillness of the mind.

So let us practice.

Today we'll be doing a metta or loving kindness meditation,

As it's one of the best ways to change those patterns and focus on the light and love and to learn to love ourselves in all of our complexity,

In all of our shortcomings.

If you will,

Please find a comfortable and stable posture for meditation.

You can be seated or lying down.

The most important thing is that you have a stable base supporting you in such a way that you can let go of any unnecessary tension,

Holding,

Or guarding.

Once you have arrived in your meditation posture,

Bring awareness to the natural movement of the breath.

Notice if it's long or short,

Choppy or smooth,

Shallow or deep.

Really allow it to be as it is,

Without judgment,

Without wanting it to be different,

Just observing the natural state of the movement of the breath in this moment.

Your profound action will retreat upon the intensity of the breath.

Begin abdominal breathing.

Every inhalation allowing the abdomen to gently expand.

Every exhalation allowing it to gently contract.

With each exhalation,

Allow your awareness to soften into the experience of the present moment.

.

.

Now,

Bring to mind someone that you love.

Imagine them with your inner vision.

And feel your love for them.

And feel your love for them.

Focus on that experience of love.

And as you imagine this individual in your mind's eye,

See them in all of their complexity.

Their beauty,

Their joy,

Their skills and abilities,

As well as their struggles,

Their pain,

And mistakes that they've made.

See how all of these different aspects combine in this individual to make them who they are.

And how you love them in their totality as they are,

Complete with all of their strengths and weaknesses.

Hold them with your love.

Now,

Bring to mind another person that you love.

Feel your love for them.

And see them in their complexity and totality with their own individual strengths and weaknesses,

Mistakes and shortcomings,

And gifts and beauty.

How all of those different aspects come together to form this unique individual she loved.

Now,

Bring to mind another person,

Perhaps someone that is close to you that you have some struggles with.

See them as an individuated human being,

Complete with their own beauty,

Unique gifts,

And their own struggles and suffering and mistakes that they make.

Extend this energy of love to them.

Hold them in their totality and complexity with your love.

Allow this love to grow and bring to mind someone with whom you might have even greater difficulties,

Perhaps some enmity,

Adversity,

Someone you may not like.

See them as an individuated human being having a human experience,

Their own struggles and difficulties and pain,

Mistakes,

And their own beauty,

Unique gifts and skills.

And extend this feeling of love to them,

Holding them in their complexity and totality.

Now,

Extend this love to yourself.

See yourself in your own complexity,

All of your suffering,

Struggles,

Insecurities,

And guilt,

And beauty and unique gifts and skills that you also have.

See yourself in your complexity and totality,

As a unique individuated human being having a human experience.

And hold yourself in your totality with this energy of love.

Now,

Holding yourself in all those that you love,

All those that you're close to,

And all those you might have difficulty with,

Holding all of the world,

Including yourself,

With this energy of love.

Bring awareness to the movement of the breath.

And as you inhale,

Think internally,

I love you.

And as you exhale,

Think internally,

I forgive you.

Now,

As you inhale,

Think internally,

I forgive you.

Forgiveness is an expression of love,

And it paves the way for love to flow freely.

Forgive yourself for being human,

Making mistakes.

And forgive others for being human.

Allow yourself to experience love for yourself,

For others.

And realize that love is your true nature.

Become aware of your physical body.

Become aware of the stability beneath you,

Supporting you and holding you up.

And the air around you,

In which you are immersed like a fish in water.

Notice the natural movement of the breath,

Moving in and out,

Connecting you to the world.

And when you are ready,

Maintain a connection to the felt experience of love within.

As you gently and slowly begin to open your eyes,

Taking in the world around you with a soft gaze.

Realizing that you are alone,

That beneath and behind all the appearances,

Material reality,

All the other beings and humans,

We are all love.

Simply having an experience of embodied being,

In which part of the path is making mistakes,

So that we can learn and grow,

And bring forth the perfection of love,

Harmony,

And beauty that always lies within.

As you go throughout your day,

Try to bring some of the softness and gentleness with you.

And if you catch yourself being hard on yourself,

Or feeling the energy of guilt arise,

Try to soften around it,

And let it go.

Be gentle with yourself.

Be gentle with others.

Life is hard enough as it is,

Without us making it harder on ourselves.

Thank you all for joining me today.

Reviews

After many days I experienced such stability and prolonged peace and unbroken unexplainable experience and because of the understanding given to you by which through other practices and this one in particular we can seriously be that silence. In words that love that peace that harmony.
Thomas thank you. 🙏

this talk and meditation hit me right where i live. i especially loved the meditation. Do you have a self love talk. i believe the root of my guilt, my fears, my resentments…are all from a lack of self love. with the passing of my husband i feel my one desire now is to develop self love. i feel it’s very important especially now (first time being alone and single in over 35 years) to nurture self love so i don’t seek something or someone outside of me to fix me. to make me feel good at this stage of my life. i want this time to be an opportunity to give those things to myself that i am seeking 🙏

Helpful and well thought out and explained, thank you for sharing🕊

Light begets light… such an encouraging thought! Thank you Thomas for helping us see a way to move beyond guilt. Even tiny moments of harmony felt in meditation are beautiful and reveal another path beyond the habits of the mind ✨🌟✨

🙏🏻🌬️❤️‍🔥 Returning to the truth you share.

Pivot : In repentance and rest is my salvation.
In queitness and trust is my strength.

Returning to the light of our true nature in repentance does save me from the condemnation of harsh judgement. The fear in judgement restricts me and constricts me resulting in guardedness . Even to the point of indulgent self hatred and Shame. Strange how powerful and relentless Shame can be. This clinging of my ego becomes habitual. Shame then is experienced as an identity.

Mercy triumphs over judgement in the softening of my heart to forgive myself and others . This allows room to grow, bringing light and warmth as food, sharing softening water to gently quench, penetrate or flow around. Mercy ignites the fire of love in a passion that burns off the chaff of past regrets allowing it to become useful as a fertilizer. Nitrogen can then be created from what is not useful unless transformed. The deadwood of misdeeds.

True guilt accepted in responsibility changes me. It is needed for me to grow and change. It hurts but is helpful to see clearly.

In my estimation there is nothing stronger in our shared humanity than the pure motives found in humility. The reality of power in self control. I'm not fully there yet. However a quiet trust in the process softens what is overly rigid in my self accusation and projected blame.

Love and grace are made perfect when accepted by me as forgivness regardless of merit and not as a reward of a worthiness contest.
Isolated truth is not the whole truth.
Compassion is patient, powerful, persistent and fully present. I do trust that compassion is the core of our truest nature. Love does not keep records of wrongs for the purpose of condemnation. Love will find a way for my soul to come home to where peace lives, may I become wise in my willingness to participate and learn from guilt.

Thank you for the space and dedication offered here in your teaching and practice. Hope is shared as an extension of them Thomas.

May needless suffering be reduced in coming together in practice. 🙏🏻🐢🌬️🍃🌬️❤️‍🔥✨

Life changing🙌. Thank you, Thomas. You are a magical teacher!

You are right...I stop being hard in myself. 💝🙏

Thank you so much, the important reminder and practice I needed, so grateful for your teachings, namaste 🦄🙏🌷

Dear Thomas, thank you for sharing your wisdom around guilt. Accepting and forgiving my mistakes and the ones of others within my true nature which is love.

Really wonderful. Thank you for this wonderful class. 🙏🏼❤️