Softening Into Our True Nature

Over the course of our lives, we all experience various forms of suffering and trauma. In response to such experiences, many of us create defense mechanisms that can harden into deeply conditioned patterns of how we relate to ourselves, others, and the world around us. To return to our true nature of compassion, wisdom, and love, we must consciously decide to soften – soften our physical body, emotions, and minds. As we do so, our innate nature effortlessly arises.

This is a 20-minute talk and a 20-minute practice.

Transcript

There is a beautiful quote that I'd like to read to start today's session.

It's by Victoria Erickson.

When you reach your edge,

Soften.

Soften until you slip through the constraints and can create a new rhythm,

A new route,

A new release.

Water is soft yet powerful.

Reach your edge and soften.

So this is something that I have thought about a lot over the years and seems all the more vital now in the times we live.

There is a strong need for us to soften.

And we often don't learn how to soften.

Often in modern society,

In the culture we grew up in,

There's more of an emphasis on being hard,

On taking charge,

On leading with kind of a,

You could call it confidence.

But for me it's not usually a true confidence.

It's more of this assertiveness that can be very hard,

Trying to force things to go the direction that one wants them to go.

And often this leads to a battle of wills or a battle of egos.

And the unfortunate thing is that the more we engage in that,

The more locked in that battle we become.

And we don't even realize that it's happening.

Part of the reason why we don't soften,

Why we are hard,

Is because it's not always the same.

Part of the reason why we are hard is because it often feels like it's a matter of life or death.

That being right is the most important thing because it's closely linked to our survival mechanism.

And a lot of what leads to the hardening within us over time is the traumas that we experience throughout life.

The challenges,

The setbacks,

The disappointments,

The difficulties,

The heartbreaks,

The breaches of trust,

The physical pain.

All of these things are a natural part of being human and experiencing life,

But they are very challenging to integrate in a healthy way.

And a lot of times we end up creating these defense mechanisms.

Wilhelm Reich often termed it character armoring.

That we create these spots where we armor psychologically and emotionally that then appear in the actual physical way in which we hold ourselves,

Where we have chronic tension.

A lot of times it's tension that we don't have in our body.

We have chronic tension.

A lot of times it's tension that we don't even realize is there.

We often don't realize how hard we are.

And if we do and we try to soften,

It can be very difficult because many times these are patterns that we've had for decades,

Sometimes our entire lifetime.

Part of the reason we don't soften is because it's very vulnerable.

It takes a lot of courage to consciously soften,

Particularly when we have fear.

It opens up vulnerable places deep inside us that most of us want to protect because they're areas that we have wounds.

And yet why is this so needed,

A softening?

Because that hardness prevents us from having what we most deeply want.

To experience love,

To love fully and feel loved fully,

To feel free and to feel safe.

And yet,

Why is this so needed,

A softening?

To love fully and feel loved fully,

To feel free,

To feel fully embodied in who we are and fulfilling our life's purpose.

As long as we have all of these guards up,

We're actually constricting ourselves.

It's creating separation between our true nature and how we present ourselves to the world and how we view ourselves.

Now I've talked a bit in the past about attachment to self-identity,

And obviously this dovetails into that.

Because a lot of our self-identity,

Who we believe that we are as an individual person,

A lot of that is just patterning.

And a lot of that patterning has arisen throughout our lives as a result of trauma and how we've responded to that trauma.

And so as we go through this process,

We pick up more and more of these patterns,

More questions of armoring,

Until we wake up and we're 40 or 50 or 60,

And we have a very fixed idea of who we are.

And we are so attached to that fixed idea of who we are,

What our values are,

What our beliefs are,

How we view the world,

What we believe we want out of life,

That for one,

We're less capable of experiencing our true nature,

Which in essence is continually changing and growing.

It's never static.

It's never fixed.

It's continually unfolding.

And on the other hand,

When we have these patterns of armoring,

And on the other hand,

When we have attachment to that fixed concept of self-identity,

It makes it a lot harder to allow latitude for other people to change and for other people to have different opinions than us,

Different viewpoints,

Because our attachment to self-identity,

To our belief structure and our values,

Is completely intertwined at that point with our sense of survival.

And so one of the greatest things we can do is start to soften that attachment to believing that these things are fixed and allow ourselves to become curious about who we actually are in this moment,

Not who we were yesterday or last week or a year ago or 10 years ago.

And that doesn't mean that those things suddenly disappear.

All of those experiences we've had,

All of those roles we've taken on and played,

Will always be a part of us because they're part of what feeds into the growth of the soul and the development of us as individuals.

So that will always be there.

We don't need to worry about softening and suddenly losing some part of who we are.

As we soften,

What it allows is for other parts of us to come forth,

In addition to all that which we have been.

It allows us to continue unfolding and growing which,

In my perspective,

Is a lot of the meaning of life.

When we become static,

When we become attached to a fixed image of who we are,

We don't have as much vitality.

And that actually translates into our physical state of health and the health of our own body.

And that actually translates into our physical state of health and the health of our emotions and the health of our relationships.

Last Friday,

I spoke a bit about the importance of allowing contrarian perspectives and loosening attachment to our opinions and our belief system and sense of what things should be like,

Or what we should be like,

Or what others should be like.

Which is easy to say and very difficult to do.

And after that class,

I had someone reach out with a question about a difficult personality in their life that they encounter somewhat regularly,

That has very different perspectives and viewpoints,

And it creates a lot of tension and challenge.

And they were asking how to allow for that person's perspective,

Because it is truly a difficult thing.

And in my response,

Part of what I talked about is how the more we run into these situations or personalities that we are kind of opposed to in our beliefs or our values or our perspective,

Often what happens is that we each become more entrenched in our position.

We become more defensive and even more offensive towards the other,

Because of this attachment to our ego and sense of self-identity.

And as we come into contact in those situations,

Each individual hardens more,

Because the more we feel opposition,

The more we tend to fight against it.

And it's a natural human response.

And it sounds like this person that they're having this experience with is a fairly unpleasant individual personality.

And part of what I focused on is the importance that we all have the ability to change,

That it's easy for us because we start to see ourselves as fixed entities,

Hard,

Solid,

Fixed entities.

We also start to see other people as fixed entities,

As unchanging.

And so we relate to them that way and we end up in these patterns of relating.

And the more we try to change the other person,

The more deeply entrenched they're going to become in their perspective and stance.

The ironic part is that it's when we ourselves start to soften,

When we consciously decide to cultivate more of a peaceful atmosphere within ourselves,

To not react to what might feel offensive,

To allow them to be just as they are,

Perhaps through realizing that the reason they're acting in such unskillful or hurtful ways is because of their own trauma and how they've responded to that,

Or the support that they have had or not had throughout their life.

Because I firmly agree with the Buddhist stance that ultimately all of us,

Our natural state,

Is one of compassion and wisdom and love.

And that the only thing that prevents us from actualizing that in how we are and how we relate to others in the world around us is the obscurations,

The traumas that have occurred that obscure our ability to see ourselves in reality clearly.

And when we soften,

When we decide to soften because we see that the other person is not a fixed entity,

Even though they might have been this way for years or decades as long as we've known them,

They always have the possibility to change.

And in my experience,

The best way to facilitate an opening for someone to change is to accept them exactly how they are,

Which we can only do when we are more soft and malleable in our stances,

In our perspectives,

In our opinions.

That creates space for others to be as they are.

And usually when people feel completely accepted as they are and they don't feel challenged,

That's when they start to grow and change.

It's the irony of it.

I think it was the psychologist Carl Rogers who,

I don't have the quote on hand right now,

But he said something to the effect of,

The funny thing is that when you're in a situation the funny thing is as soon as I accept myself exactly how I am,

Then I change.

And it's really ironic because it's true.

When we don't accept ourselves as we are or when we don't feel accepted by others as we are,

We tend to dig in even deeper to harden.

And yet as soon as we accept ourselves as we are or others,

We feel completely accepted by those around us,

It gives us that breathing room where we no longer have to cling to this self-identity,

This way of being that is actually a defense mechanism that arises from fear.

We can breathe and as we breathe that starts to melt and we start to become something different.

It's not easy and by no means does it mean that we're necessarily going to suffer less,

Experience less pain or uncertainty or betrayal.

Because we ultimately cannot control other people's actions or what happens in the world around us.

But what it does mean is that regardless of what happens,

We have access to a deeper well within us of trust and of learning how to integrate those difficult experiences to become something even more than we've been.

As I said,

It requires opening to vulnerability and the unknown.

And that's scary,

But I truly believe it's one of the most worthwhile things we can do.

You know,

They often in Taoism will use the example of water,

That it's one of the softest things and yet it has the ability to overcome the hardest obstacles.

When water is flowing through a stream,

There's a big boulder.

It doesn't fight against it.

It just flows around it.

Water doesn't try to change anything.

It adapts to its environment.

You can put it in a glass and it will take the shape of the glass.

You can put it in the freezer and it will solidify.

You can heat it and it will steam.

It allows its nature to change based on whatever circumstances it finds itself in.

And yet,

As it continues flowing,

It will wear down the hardest rocks.

It will carve canyons in the earth.

Just from being itself,

It wears down hardness.

And we too have that ability when we encounter hard personalities in the world.

Which there's a lot of right now and we often can be that way too.

But when we encounter that,

Whether in ourselves or in others,

We can choose to consciously soften,

To flow around it,

To allow that energy to be as it is.

Even if it's an aspect within ourself that we notice as being hard,

It doesn't do any good to judge it or to be as it is.

It doesn't do any good to judge it or to try to force it to change because you heard me say that we should be soft.

Instead,

Just make space for it.

Accept it completely.

And ironically,

As it's accepted,

It will change.

But only if we truly are accepting it as it is and not accepting it with the agenda that that's going to make a change.

As we cultivate that peacefulness within,

It begins to spread like water.

And as it flows in waves out from us energetically,

It creates a more peaceful atmosphere.

It allows others when they come in contact with us to feel more at peace,

To feel more accepted as they are,

And to start to love themselves as they are,

Which then allows them to become more peaceful and let that energy spread from them.

And like a ripple effect,

It can affect millions of people.

It can change the world without even trying to change anything at all.

So for today's practice,

If you have a spot for it,

This is a good one for lying down.

And so if you have a place that's easy to get to,

I'll give everyone a couple of minutes to find a spot.

Lie down on a couch or a bed on the floor.

If you don't have a spot for that right now,

Or you have difficulty lying down for any reason,

Then you're welcome to go to the other side of the room.

If you have difficulty lying down for any reason,

Then you're welcome to sit,

And you can still get all the benefit from the practice.

Take a few moments to get comfortable.

Notice if you need a pillow under your head or under your knees.

Take a moment to notice that right now,

In this moment,

You are feeling comfortable.

Take a moment to notice that right now,

In this moment,

You are safe.

There's no immediate threat.

It is safe to soften,

To be vulnerable,

To allow yourself to be just as you are.

Now,

Become aware of the solidity beneath you,

Supporting you and holding you up,

Allowing you to let go of any unnecessary tension.

Become aware of the breath.

Simply observe it,

Moving in and out.

Allowing it to be just as it is.

Continue with awareness of the breath.

As you begin,

Gently scanning your body,

Starting at the top of the head,

Noticing if there's any tension in the scalp.

If there is,

Gently soften into experiencing it as it is.

Allow it to be.

Just observe.

If it changes,

Allow it to change.

Moving to the forehead,

Softening into experience.

The eyes and their sockets.

They have no work to do right now.

Softening and allowing them to be.

The cheeks,

The jaw.

They too are at rest.

No work,

Simply being.

The brain works so hard all day,

Bringing this soft awareness to observe the brain,

Allowing it to be just as it is.

Moving into the neck,

Front,

Back,

Sides,

Center.

Softening your awareness.

No judgment around any experience,

Any sensation that arises.

Moving into the upper back,

The chest.

And inside the lungs and the heart.

Softly guiding your awareness.

Into the mid torso,

The mid back.

And down to the low back,

Bringing the soft awareness into the hips.

Thighs and hamstrings,

Even into the femur bones.

Moving into the knees.

These precious joints that work so hard for us.

Allowing us to move.

Down to the calves and the shins.

Into the ankles.

The tops of the feet.

The bottoms of the feet.

The big toes.

The second toes.

Third toes.

Fourth toes.

And the little toes.

Guiding your awareness back up to the trapezius muscles.

Between the neck and the shoulder.

Then into the shoulder joints.

Softening.

Softening your awareness.

Moving into the triceps and the biceps.

The humerus bones.

The elbows.

To the forearms.

The wrists.

The back of the hands.

The palms.

The thumbs.

Index fingers.

Middle fingers.

Ring fingers.

Little fingers.

Softening the awareness into the felt sense of the body as a whole.

Noticing areas that may have shifted.

They have different sensations.

Now,

Bring this soft awareness to the mind itself.

The faculty that has been guiding this journey through the body.

Observe the nature of the mind.

It's tense or hard.

Soft and yielding.

There's fear or joy.

Just softly allow it to be as it is.

Now,

Bring this soft awareness to the heart center.

The center of the chest.

Gently begin softening into that space.

Noticing if there's any sense of hardness or tension.

Softening your awareness around it.

Become aware of a white light.

Emanating from the center of that space.

Shining bright.

Radiating out in the heart center.

Feel this white light radiate throughout your entire body.

Through every crevice,

Every space.

Softening to the white light.

Notice the stillness beneath the light behind the light.

Feel how soft the stillness is.

The softness of pure awareness.

Simply being.

Notice that there may be sounds in the area around you.

Beneath all sound is the stillness,

The softness,

Pure awareness.

Notice how the silence,

Stillness,

And softness underlie all sound,

All sensation,

And all resistance.

Simply being present to all as it is within and without.

Become aware of the felt sense of the body as a whole.

Become aware of the solidity beneath you.

Supporting you.

Holding you up.

Become aware of the softness of the air around you.

And when you are ready,

Maintain a connection to the stillness,

To the softness.

As you gently begin to open your eyes and take in the world around you.

You can stay laying down if you prefer,

Or gently and carefully begin to sit up.

Ultimately,

The one thing that we have control over is how we stand in relationship to all that we experience.

If we choose to be hard,

To try to impose our will on others or the world around us,

We will be met by hardness.

And we will harden further.

But this only imprisons us even more.

Instead,

We can choose to soften,

To allow,

To flow.

Knowing that it's vulnerable.

Knowing that we will experience hurt.

And yet choosing to keep our hearts open.

To stay connected to our center.

And to allow ourselves to continually grow and unfold.

So that we may experience the beauty of who we are and who we are meant to be.

And share that with others and the world around us.

Reviews

So grateful for you and for your beautiful work, Thomas. Happy Solstice ✨

Thank you Thomas. As always this talk was just what I needed today. The meditation left me feeling euphoric and so grateful for my life.
🙏🫶☀️

another amazing talk and meditation.. soften and acceptance. it made me think of so many of the tools that help me. like the Set Aside prayer (i set aside everything i think i know about god, myself, etc) also have you ever read Dr Paul’s writing on acceptance? page 417 of the big book, alcoholics anonymous? i think it’s the single best writing on acceptance.. and finally the Welcoming Practice by a catholic nun, Cynthia Bourgealt. a meditation that scans the body and she even uses the word “soften inwardly “. i’ve listened to this talk several times today. my grief is softening ne but i could see how easily it could harden me. one close friend in particular has ghosted me. someone i thought would be there in the tough times. your talk is a reminder to soften around that (because everything inside me wants to harden. 🙏🙏🙏

What a beautiful example of strength in humility.

Softening what is overly rigid in my judgements, guardedness and self righteousness does change me. This allows others the freedom of unconditional love in the form of acceptance from me as they are. What gems you offer here Thomas.Truely precious. Holy truth!✨
Occasionally reality breaks my heart wide open. What a raw vulnerable place. It can all feel overwheming this birthing process of allowing and letting go mercifully in full awareness .

Brother you have become such a free, strong and safe person through this process. Your voice , cadence , mirth and peace flow through to the heart. Gatitude from my heart.🙏🏻🤍 The light of loving reality is stunning and incredible and mundane and ordinary. My truest desire and intention is to live in the freedom of lovingly embracing impermanence in purity. Patiently allowing softening will bring me to the vista of seeing the light in the darkness. 🐢

Daybreak ,Sunset, moonlight starlight, even the darkness shines

You are You
and I am me
yet in knowing unity
we are three.

One breath, One life, One death , One strife , Sacred eternal scene.

Holy Holy Holy
We are Holy
In-between.

Ahhhh Thomas...Oh wise one...You are the “Best!”...💙
Namaste my friend...✨🧘‍♀️✨🙏

Such a delight to find a session I haven’t heard yet! Thank you again for sharing your wisdom!

Amazing, timing is perfect for your teachings I’m so grateful

I happened across this meditative talk and practice after conducting a search for "softening," which was the intention for the day. If ever I doubted that I am guided in the right directions intuitively, such doubt would be erased. In the first few minutes it was clear that continued use of this offering could reduce samskara, breaking me free from the armour once used to protect me. I am so grateful to have been led here and am setting the intention to continue with this practice as long as needed to remain in a softened state.