Deepening Awareness: Mindfulness Of Speech

Our words are powerful and have the ability to be of benefit or cause harm. It can be easy to fall into habits and patterns of relating, and when difficulties arise we may speak from a reactionary place of hurt. As we become mindful of our words, we become more aware of our thoughts and where the motivation to speak arises from. This gives us space to determine if the desire to speak arises from a pure intentioned place or a place of fear and desire to control. This track contains a 20-minute talk and a 20-minute meditation.

Transcript

For today's class,

I would like to speak about boundaries around speech,

That which some in the Buddhist tradition call noble silence.

The topic was inspired by someone who reached out a couple of weeks ago and asked for some advice.

She shared that she and her husband have been married for more than 40 years,

And while their relationship is very close,

She notices that she can be critical of him over small things.

And as she's been practicing,

She's realized that it's a habituated pattern of the mind,

And that even though she was aware of it,

She wasn't able to change it yet.

And I think this is a very important topic because it's quite prevalent for all of us,

Being human and being in relationship to others.

You know,

If we were yogis meditating in caves by ourselves and never interacting with others,

We wouldn't have this issue.

But we also wouldn't have this opportunity to grow in different ways in our humanity and in our ability to know ourselves and have deeper relationship to others.

Because part of relationship is that the other serves as a reflection for our inner patternings and conditionings and habits of the mind.

And while it can be easy for us to project that onto the other,

That doesn't help us to grow.

Every moment,

Every individual,

Every encounter can be an opportunity for us to grow in knowing ourselves more deeply.

And this tends to come up particularly strongly in very close,

Intimate relationships.

Those people that we let into our hearts most deeply.

Parents,

Children,

Partners,

Spouses,

Our closest friends.

They tend to be the best reflections and sometimes the greatest instigators for these patterns to arise.

And that's part of the blessing of close relationship,

Is that it gives us the opportunity to work with these patterns in the mind.

So when this individual shared this question,

The suggestion that I had for her was to work with noble silence.

Now noble silence in its broadest context in Buddhism is simply a heightened awareness of our speech.

It means to speak that which is both true and useful.

In order to cultivate this mindfulness of speech,

Part of the practice of noble silence is to take intentional periods of not speaking.

To vow to not speak for an hour or part of a day or a day or a week or a month for some serious practitioners.

And what this allows us is by not speaking,

We become more aware of the thoughts as they arise.

Particularly when we're around others that are bringing up something within us.

So if we're around our spouse or partner and they do one of those things that may be a trigger for us and their tendency would be to criticize or correct them.

If instead of immediately allowing that to be expressed,

If we can maintain silence,

We become more aware of what is giving rise to that thought and that desire to speak.

It allows us to know ourselves more deeply and understand where this desire to speak is arising from.

Most often,

In cases such as this,

It's arising from an underlying insecurity or fear or wanting things to be different than they are or the other to be different than they are.

And almost always when we have a judgment about someone,

It is arising from a fear that we have within ourselves about ourselves.

As I often say,

The way a person acts towards others is often a reflection of how they relate to themselves.

Many of these patterns and conditionings come from our parents,

From our upbringing,

From ways in which they may have corrected us or wanted us to be a certain way.

Fears that we had of not being loved,

Of not meeting those expectations.

And when we're in a close,

Intimate relationship with someone,

That tends to bring up those deeply rooted patterns that are often precognitive,

That are so deeply ingrained from the time we were born or even in utero.

That we're not even conscious that they're there.

So the first step is simply becoming aware of them,

Which is often the hardest part.

As we become aware of these patterns,

It becomes much easier to work with them.

To be like,

Oh,

I recognize that.

I see what I'm doing there.

And we can choose instead of acting it out and speaking it,

To maintain silence and observe it.

Because as we hold that pattern in our awareness and we see down to the roots of where it comes from within ourselves,

Of our own fears,

Our own desires,

The pattern itself starts to release.

And this can be very deeply healing.

And it can happen quickly.

I received an email just a couple days ago from this person that as she's been practicing this,

She's already started to see where these patterns come from.

And that is incredible.

And it speaks to the power of the practice of silence.

It's extraordinary to have patterns that have been there for 40 years or more.

And to be able to change them in a couple of weeks.

And we all have this ability.

It's just a matter of making the conscious decision and dedication to practice.

Our speech is very powerful.

It actualizes and manifests our thoughts.

It's an expression of them.

But it also has a power of manifestation of reinforcing those very same thought patterns.

Joseph Goldstein,

A teacher in the Buddhist tradition,

Wrote that,

Speech conditions our relationships and conditions our own minds.

The Buddha encouraged his disciples to value silence and to use only speech that serves the goal of awakening.

What we say expresses different mind states,

But it does more.

It reconditions those mind states.

This is the neurological patternings within the brain.

We have the thoughts come up because there are these patterns that are habituated.

And then when we act or speak from those patterns,

We recondition those patterns in the neural pathways of the brain and make them deeper.

So each time we choose differently when we have the pattern come up and we pause.

And instead of speaking or acting,

We hold that within our awareness and maybe step away or take a breath and just experience it in the physicality of our own bodies and what is arising in the sensations and the felt sense of the body.

We begin to see deeply into ourselves and where that's coming from and it starts to release and heal.

This can be deeply transformative.

Because not only does it change our relationships to ourselves and all that we experience within us and heal those patterns that we may have had since the time we were born and allow us to become more whole and present within ourselves,

But it also inherently begins to shift our relationships.

It makes our relationships more fulfilling and meaningful because we stop relating from habituated patterns.

We become present with the other and ourselves as we are in each moment.

And we begin to realize that there's no certain way that we have to be and there's no certain way that the other person has to be and so we're able to grow continually,

Each individually and growing together more deeply connected in our relationship.

So as I said,

Mindfulness of speech,

Noble silence,

In Buddhism they often say that it's speaking what is both true and useful.

And both parts are very important.

Because we can speak something that is very true from our perspective about something that someone does or says that we don't like or a habit that they have and it may be true,

But it may also be very hurtful.

Or it may cause them to become more defensive or to shut down.

And that is not useful for healing or for having a more meaningful connection with that person.

Likewise,

There may be things that we can say that are useful to achieve a certain end,

To have the other be the way that we want them to,

But it may not be true.

And so if any of you choose to practice this idea of noble silence,

When you feel something arise and you have the desire to speak,

Take a moment to pause and reflect on if what you're about to say is both true and useful.

And if it's not,

And you choose to say it anyway,

Do not allow yourself to feel guilt.

Because that will only reinforce the pattern.

We can choose to have remorse when we speak and act in unskillful ways,

To reflect on it and choose to do better in the future.

But this is part of the cycle of being human and of growth.

It's not a straight trajectory where we become more and more enlightened in every moment of every day.

It's a process of growing and having pitfalls and growing and having pitfalls.

But the more we practice,

The more we commit to the techniques,

The more consistent the growth becomes.

Even allowing for the space to reflect on what we're going to say,

Even if it's for a second or two before saying it,

Is a huge step,

Especially when there's difficult moments.

The tendency of the mind is to react instantaneously with no pause between the pattern arising and us speaking and acting on it.

And so even pausing for a second or two,

Even if you then continue with what you were going to say,

Is a huge step.

Over time,

That pause can get bigger and bigger.

And the more gentle we are with ourselves,

It allows us to look at that and laugh at ourselves five minutes or five hours later and say,

Yep,

I thought about that and I still did it.

But at least you thought about it.

This is a practice of discipline.

And the way to cultivate discipline is by having discipline.

We have to consciously choose to discipline ourselves.

And through that discipline,

We discover greater freedom and happiness and self-knowledge.

This is a form of alchemical mind training.

Whereby we begin to release these habituated,

Conditioned patterns of thought and retrain the mind to open into our true nature,

Into this place where we can access this deep well of love and compassion that we all have within and speak and act from there.

And it takes practice.

But with practice,

We will start to shift the neural patternings within our brain and it becomes easier and easier to let go of the judgmental or critical thoughts or unskillful thoughts when they arise and find a more skillful way to speak that is both true and useful.

This in turn will serve not only our own awakening and growth,

But that of everyone we interact with.

Mindfulness and the cultivation of awareness is a continual process.

It entails dropping into ourselves and taking the place of a witness,

Of observing without judgment the patterns in our physical bodies,

Places of tension or pain or how we hold our posture,

Observing our emotions and how they shift and fluctuate throughout the days and weeks and years,

And observing the patterns of the mind.

Shanti Deva,

Who is a very well-known Buddhist monk from the 8th century,

Who wrote the Bodhicarya-vatara,

The path of the Bodhisattva,

He wrote,

In brief,

This alone is the definition of awareness,

The observation at every moment of the state of one's body and one's mind.

When one wishes to move or speak,

First one should examine one's own mind and then act appropriately and with self-possession.

When one notices that one's own mind is attracted or repelled,

One should neither act nor speak but remain like a block of wood.

There's a lot of deep wisdom in this.

It's when our mind is attracted or repelled that we're caught in the realm of dualistic thinking,

Of judgment,

Of good and bad and right and wrong,

And the mind wants to try to take control to force the world or things or other people to be different than they are.

But ultimately,

This is a form of violence,

Of trying to impose one's will on the world rather than allowing the world to be as it is.

And it doesn't serve us and the goals that we have of wanting freedom and happiness.

And so when we feel this internal urgency within,

Where we're attracted or repelled by something,

The first step is to have the discipline to not speak,

To not act.

And that will lead us to the freedom and the happiness that we seek.

We find the emptiness within,

The clear stillness that lies beneath the dualistic movements of the mind,

The fluctuations of consciousness.

I once had the pleasure of speaking with a Trappist monk,

Father Robert,

When I lived in Massachusetts.

And he talked about this process and said,

It is a pulling out of all the accretions and facts from the mind until it is only emptiness,

And in that emptiness is the experience of unlimited existence itself.

It is these fluctuations of the mind that keep us in the realm of activity that does not serve us,

That does not bring us to the awakening and the happiness and the freedom and the experience of pure being that our soul deeply craves.

And this practice of noble silence is an incredible tool to help us move towards calming those fluctuations of the mind and experiencing the nature of our own pure beauty that we have within.

It's always right there,

Always accessible.

A primary meditation that's often used for retraining the mind is the metta,

Or loving kindness meditation.

So that's what we'll work with today.

If you will,

Please find a comfortable and stable posture for meditation.

You can be lying down or sitting.

Most important thing is that you are stable and able to consciously release all unnecessary tension from the physical body.

You can gently close your eyes.

Bring awareness to the movement of the breath.

Whether it's fast or slow,

Choppy or smooth,

Shallow or deep.

Simply observe the natural movement of the breath.

Allow this awareness of the breath to move to the background of your consciousness.

And begin to visualize an exemplar,

A being of pure compassion,

Wisdom,

And love.

This can be someone from a particular religious tradition,

A saint,

Bodhisattva,

A sage,

A deity.

Visualize this being.

And feel what it's like to be in the presence of such a perfected being that accepts you and loves you just as you are.

Observe how this being sees you completely in your entirety.

All of your challenges with all of your gifts.

Where you are on your path in this life.

Experience how they love you completely.

In your wholeness and fullness.

Feel the deep sense of safety,

Of softening that occurs in their presence.

Now,

Allow this being to dissolve into a ball of light that travels to rest over the crown of your head.

Allow the crown to open.

This ball of light to enter.

Traveling throughout your entire body,

Filling you with this light.

Now,

Feel yourself sitting as this being.

Being of pure love,

Compassion,

And wisdom.

As you rest in the spaciousness of this being.

Bring to mind someone very close to you whom you love.

Visualize them in front of you.

See them in their fullness.

Their challenges,

Their gifts,

Their strengths,

And their weaknesses.

See them in their entirety.

And how the beauty of their being arises from this complexity of all that they are.

Hold them in their wholeness with this deep love,

Compassion,

And wisdom.

Now,

Bring to mind someone else.

Find someone who you care about and visualize them.

See them in their wholeness and extend this love to them.

And bring to mind someone else.

Perhaps someone who is an acquaintance,

And maybe you don't know very deeply.

Hold them in your mind's eye.

See in them the same complexity.

That they too have their challenges and their gifts.

They too have hopes and dreams that we may not know and suffering that we are unaware of.

And how all of these aspects come together in that individual to create a unique presence in this world.

And extend this love to them.

Accepting them and allowing them to be just as they are.

Now bring to mind someone with whom you may have difficulty.

Who you may struggle with in your interactions.

See how they also have their own challenges and suffering,

And they also have their own unique gifts and beauty.

And extend this field of love.

Extend this even further.

Realizing that every being.

Every human being.

Every animal.

Every insect on this planet.

Is an aspect of consciousness.

A manifestation of some unique aspect of the oneness that we are all a part of.

That every single being has experiences of suffering.

And every single being has their own unique beauty.

Something that they bring to this world.

Extend this field of love,

Compassion,

And wisdom.

To encompass the entire world.

Experience from this place of wisdom.

How we are a part of everyone and everything.

And everyone and everything is a part of us.

We are all connected in an interdependent web of life.

Feel the spaciousness within you.

And the stillness.

Listen to the silence within.

Try and be still.

Start to become aware of the movement of the breath.

Become aware of the felt sense of the body as a whole.

Feel the stability beneath you,

Supporting you and holding you up.

And the air around you.

Taking in the complex beauty from this place of still,

Spacious awareness.

Mindfulness of speech is a continual practice in retraining the mind and thought patterns.

As we shift these patterns,

We have the ability to change our experience of reality,

Of ourselves,

Of others,

Of our relationships.

We begin to see the beauty that is always,

Already,

Right here,

Right now.

Thank you all for joining me today.

Reviews

Thanks for this talk and meditation. It really helped to rebalance me after a nasty argument with a friend. Thanks also for the quote from Shantideva. I will refer to that next time I feel a strong need to talk about anything controversial in conversation.

Thank you Thomas
Once again your class felt as though it was for me. The women you spoke of could be me, having been married 50 yrs in June. I love the idea of noble silence when the habits of a lifetime entice us to say something unnecessary and possibly hurtful.

Merci beaucoup !! I practice in the Plum Village tradition and I enjoyed your way of explaining habit energy. I will explore your teachings further. TY from France 🇫🇷🙏🏻

Excellent. Thanks 🙏 i

I appreciate you weaving in different wisdom traditions in your talks. Mindfulness of speech, particularly resonated with me - to take my practice beyond the sittings and how I can show up. Deep gratitude 🙏🏼

I’ve been practising this for sometime Thomas, and guess I beat myself up, (but at least I realise I do!)when I fall into old patterns and habits...It’s easy to get down on yourself when you feel you’ve let yourself down...So the practise of compassion to yourself comes to mind here as well. Just writing my thoughts out here!
This is a beautiful practise and for me never before communicated so simply and succinctly...😊
On and ‘Up!’...Namaste..🙏Kind Sir..✨💙✨
Wonderful Metta as well..🙏

I love it , thank you 💐💐💐

Just wonderful. Thank you 🙏🏼