Cultivating Love And Connection Through Presence

The recognition of impermanence—that we are all here for a finite, unknown amount of time—lends a preciousness to life. In this talk and guided practice, we explore how connection and love are cultivated through acknowledging impermanence and bringing a greater sense of presence into each moment and interaction. This softens the ego and brings us beyond our limited sense of self, and helps us find greater meaning and purpose in life. This is a 20 min talk followed by a 20 min guided meditation.

Transcript

For today's class,

I wanted to speak about connection.

As some of you may know,

Our dog Serena passed in August,

And she was with me for 12 years,

Pretty much 24-7,

Went everywhere with me.

I was at three different acupuncture clinics with me.

She went to classes at Harvard Divinity School,

And she went a lot of places that most dogs aren't allowed,

But she had an ability of winning people over,

And she was pure unconditional love.

And I think a lot of dogs and animals are able to embody that quality of unconditional love,

And it's a great gift for us.

And even in her last days,

We had 10 days with her after we found out that she had very little time left.

She had a cancer that had metastasized throughout her body and was affecting multiple organ systems,

And those 10 days were such an incredible gift for Heather and I to be with her.

And it was almost like a meditation retreat to just be present with her,

And we did yoga nidras with her every day and meditations and took her to the creeks every day to just experience that deep sense of connection that was all the more poignant because we knew she had so little time left.

And what was amazing was how much she taught us during that time about life and death and connection,

Because even though we knew that she must be suffering so much,

She still just was focused on making sure that we were okay.

Even when it got to a point on days when she couldn't walk and I had to carry her to go outside to the bathroom or to go down to the creek,

She would just have a big smile on her face,

Just feeling the connection and the love.

And it's an amazing quality to observe a being that cares so much about others and having that connection to others that it brings them beyond their own experience of suffering.

And that's one of the amazing qualities of animals is that they don't have the same type of minds as we humans do,

And they don't judge their experiences.

They experience whatever is happening,

And even though it might be painful or uncomfortable,

They don't have the added suffering of judging that experience as right or wrong.

You know,

In Buddhism,

I've used this analogy before,

But they often use the analogy of the second arrow of suffering.

You know,

That if you're walking in the woods and you get shot with an arrow,

That is painful.

But so often when we experience the inevitable pains of life,

We shoot ourselves with a second arrow of suffering,

Of judging the experiences right or wrong or good or bad or that we don't want this,

Instead of just accepting the experience as it is.

And as we work with the mind to begin to let go of that second arrow of suffering,

It allows us to become so much more present with ourselves as we are and the world as it is,

And it opens us up to so much greater connection to others and the world around us,

As well as connection to ourselves.

You know,

Relationships with humans are often messy and complex.

You know,

Whether it's with family members,

Our parents,

Our children,

Our siblings,

Whether it's with business partners or life partners or friends or spiritual teachers,

Relationships with other humans often are more complex and a little messy because we all have egos and we all have our wants and desires and our aversions and ways that we think the world should be and we all have our past traumas and how we've related to those or incorporated them in our ways of being in the world.

And so we all have varying amounts of ego and the harder our egos become,

The more it creates separation between ourselves and those that we relate to.

The more we begin to work with softening our egos,

It allows us to become more present to our experience as it is and to accept others as they are,

To let go of wanting others or the world to be some certain way and to let go of wanting ourselves to be some certain way,

Realizing that we are all perfection in process,

That we are all unfolding in each moment and having the experiences that we need to in each moment to bring us to where we need to be.

And the more we can let go of resistance to those experiences and allow them to be as they are,

We begin to enter the flow of life.

We begin to see things from a little bit more larger perspective,

A more macro perspective,

And to see how all of the different experiences of life,

Both pleasurable and painful,

All contribute to meaning in life.

Because being embodied beings,

We are all going to experience suffering and challenge and difficulty and loss,

And that is hard.

But it's also through being embodied beings that we get to experience all of the incredible beauty and joy and meaning in life,

Because it is only by being separated,

Individuated beings that we can experience connection to others,

That we can experience love,

That we can experience pleasure and joy,

That we can walk in nature and take in a beautiful sunrise or sunset.

And so connection is so important,

And to increase our capacity for meaningful and deep connections,

We have to work with ourselves.

So often we want other people to change in a way that we think will make us feel more loved.

And unfortunately that's not how it works.

If we want to have a greater experience of love and connection,

We need to work with shifting how we relate to others.

We have to make space for the fact that others are imperfect,

That others have past traumas and experiences and suffering that we might not even know about,

That all contribute to how they interact with others.

Something that I like to remind myself of often is that the way we act towards others is often a reflection of how we relate to ourselves.

And so when we judge others for their actions,

It's often an expression of how we judge ourselves,

Which is also why when we create space to be more compassionate and gentle with ourselves,

It also allows us to be more compassionate with others.

When we realize that many of our unskillful actions and how we relate to others are an expression of our underlying hurt and pain and insecurity,

It becomes easier to forgive others for their unskillful actions.

As I said,

Those last 10 days with Serena were magical.

Part of what helps us become more present and to experience a deeper level of connection and love is knowing that things are impermanent.

You know impermanence can be challenging at times because we want to believe that we are permanent,

That we will live forever,

That those we love will live forever and be with us always.

But it's simply not the nature of reality.

Life cannot occur without death.

Living in this realm of duality,

Things are always in balance.

And so when we recognize that we are impermanent and that everyone and everything that we know and experience is impermanent,

It can bring a preciousness to each moment.

It can also open the door to greater compassion and forgiveness because it can be really hard being human at times.

We're caught in this realm of duality,

Of self and other,

Of the transitory experiences of pleasure and pain,

Of seeing the world around us change in unknown and uncertain ways,

Not knowing what the future will bring.

And yet if we examine life closely,

We realize that underlying all of that continual play of life,

There is an underlying unity,

That we are all ultimately one,

That we are all interconnected,

And that this experience of separateness of self,

The experience of duality,

Is part of the purpose of life,

Is to have this experience of self and other so that we can experience connection and love.

And it is that connection which brings meaning to life.

And when we allow our selves to experience a deep level of connection,

Of love,

It brings us beyond our limited sense of self.

It softens the ego.

When we love someone or something so much that we forget about ourselves,

It's a truly magical thing,

And life inherently has more meaning regardless of what we might be experiencing.

And so how do we increase our capacity for connection?

Anything that brings us into a greater state of presence with ourselves and with the world helps us to connect on a deeper level.

Practices that help our bodies and minds become more finely tuned and sensitive so that we can experience more fully through these physical forms that we inhabit can allow us to have a greater sense of connection.

This is why many meditative and spiritual practices and other practices all work with the body and the mind,

Whether it's qigong or meditation or yoga or Pilates or spending time in nature,

Sharing good meals with loved ones,

Things that help us become more present and bring our minds and bodies into that state of presence and connection all help us to experience more fully the beauty of life and the meaning of life.

While anything that creates greater separation diminishes that connection,

And most often it is the ego that creates separation.

It is the attachments and aversions that keep us in a greater state of separation.

It's our resistance to the flow of life,

To all that we experience that diminishes connection.

Life is energy,

And energy needs to move and flow.

You know,

This is part of the reason that in Chinese medicine and philosophy they so often will use metaphors of water.

Whether it's talking about deep philosophical concepts or the channels,

The meridians that flow through the body,

They liken those channels to streams,

And the stream should always be flowing.

If there's blockages,

Then the water becomes stagnant,

Our experience becomes stagnant,

And we become more removed from the natural flow and movement of life.

And regardless of any practice,

The key is always our intention.

We can sit and meditate for 20 minutes,

And while we're meditating we're thinking of all the things we need to do later today,

Or why is this guy still talking,

Or you know any number of things.

And we'll get much less out of that than if we guide our intention to be focusing on the experience of the present moment.

Same thing when we're in nature.

We can be still thinking about all the issues we have back in the world,

Or we can allow ourselves to fully take in the experience of being surrounded by beautiful trees and water and feeling the air against our skin.

Something as simple as washing dishes can be an opportunity to be present,

To experience the connection with the dish,

With the water,

With the moment.

And so that's why I often say that purity of intention is the key,

Because if we cultivate purity of intention to be present with each moment as it is,

And letting go of judgments or how we want it to be different,

Or thinking about the future or the past,

When we cultivate that purity of intention,

It brings us into presence and it creates that connection that we are always seeking for,

That we all innately desire and want as living beings.

And this is a spectrum.

You know,

It's not that you're either present or you're not.

It's not black and white.

It's complex,

And there's gradations,

And so it's a continual practice to move towards greater presence over time.

And even when we're practicing,

There will always be moments and experiences where we lose our connection to presence.

And it's important not to judge ourselves when we notice that happen,

When we notice the mind take over.

We acknowledge it,

And then we guide our intention back towards presence.

As we do so,

We move towards the natural state where we are completely connected within ourselves and connected to others and the world around us,

Where we experience life more fully,

Where we become more whole and heal within ourselves.

And as we become more whole,

We naturally begin to manifest the virtues.

We become more patient.

We become more compassionate.

We become more courageous because we have the purity and intention to do what we know is right,

What is correct,

What is in the best interests of all,

Regardless of if there is fear present.

We become more humble because we realize how much we don't know,

And we realize that everyone is suffering.

We realize that everything and everyone is impermanent,

And so we move towards focusing on what we can do,

What we have power over,

And that is to bring greater presence and love and connection into all of our experiences.

Our meditative practice is a practice.

We take moments of time,

Five minutes,

Ten minutes,

Twenty minutes,

An hour,

To sit and meditate or to do qigong or yoga as a practice for life,

To set aside that period of time to consciously focus on creating a greater connection to presence,

To sitting with ourselves as we are and experiencing all the different sensations of being an embodied being,

So that when we move out into the world,

When we interact with others,

We can bring a greater degree of that presence into all that we do.

So,

If you will,

Find a comfortable posture for meditation.

You can be seated or lying down.

The most important thing is that you have a stable and easeful posture that allows you to let go of all unnecessary tension and resistance,

To allow yourself to become more present with the current moment of experiential awareness.

Once you have arrived in your posture,

Bring awareness to the movement of the breath,

Simply observe the movement of the inhalation,

The movement of the exhalation.

Notice how the movement of the breath connects you to the air around you.

Begin abdominal breathing,

With each inhalation allowing the abdomen to gently expand and with each exhalation allowing the abdomen to gently contract.

Use your intention and the breath to allow every exhalation to release any unnecessary tension,

Guarding,

Or resistance in the body.

Allow your consciousness to soften into the sensations of the physical body and into the movement of the breath.

Become aware of the felt sense of the body as a whole and feel the connection throughout your entire body,

How you have different parts and different experiences within different areas of the physical body.

Some areas might have discomfort or tension or pain.

Others might have spaciousness or relaxation.

Others might feel empty and yet they're all connected within the space of the physical body.

Notice how just by bringing awareness through the felt sense of the body,

There are shifts that occur,

That all sensations are impermanent and changing.

Now bring to mind someone that you love.

Picture them in your mind's eye.

Feel that experience of love within the felt sense of your body.

See this person in their wholeness,

That they have struggles,

Suffering,

Moments of unskillfulness,

And that they have beauty and kindness and love.

Feel how your love for them allows you to accept them in their totality just as they are.

Feel the felt sense of connection that is bestowed by love.

Now bring to mind another person,

Someone that you love,

And feel your love for them.

See them in their totality with all of their beauty and all of their struggles,

And see how all of those different aspects contribute to who they are and how you love them in their totality,

In their complexity.

Now bring to mind someone that you care about but maybe have some struggles with,

And extend this felt sense of love to them.

Realize that they too have sufferings that we do not know,

And beauty that we may not be aware of,

And realize that we can love them just as they are.

Bring awareness back to the felt sense of your body as a whole.

Feel that experience of love within your physical body,

And bring that sense of love to love yourself.

Look at yourself with this same vision,

Making space for your own struggles,

Your own fears,

And all of your incredible beauty.

See how you are complex and ever-changing,

And allow yourself to embrace yourself with love.

Feel how that experience of love allows you to connect more deeply with yourself,

To make space for all parts of who you are,

The physical body,

Your emotions,

Your thoughts.

Bring awareness to the heart center,

The center of the chest.

Allow your consciousness to soften into this space.

Feel the solidity beneath you,

Supporting you,

And holding you up.

Feel the connection to it.

Become aware of the air around you,

In which you are immersed,

Like a fish in water.

Feel the felt sense of presence,

Of connection,

How you are never separate from it.

And when you are ready,

Feel the presence of the air around you,

And when you are ready,

Maintain a connection to this felt sense of presence,

As you gently and slowly begin to open your eyes,

Taking in the world around you,

Letting it flow through you,

Experiencing the continual connection between you as an individuated being,

And all that exists at this level of manifest reality.

It is connection that brings meaning to life,

That helps us to find fulfillment and beauty and happiness.

It is connection that brings fullness of life,

And helps us to make meaning of all of the challenging,

Difficult,

Painful experiences that are inevitable in the course of being alive.

It is presence that helps us find the sense of connection in each moment,

And it is knowledge of the truth of impermanence of all that exists in material form,

That helps us to recognize the preciousness of each moment.

Try to carry this sense of presence with you throughout your day.

And when you have moments of realizing that you've lost that connection,

Try to take a moment and just take a simple breath,

Feel the air passing into you and out of you,

Keeping you connected,

Always,

To everything in the world around you.

Thank you all for joining me today.

Reviews

This is one of my all time favorite meditations. Also, a sweet reminder to love on my pup girl a little extra ❤️

Thank you Thomas for another wonderful class. Your story of Serena's last days was so touching and relatable to those of us that have had a close connection with animals. Our relationships with other people and ourselves for that matter are so complicated and messy as you put it. The unconditional love that animals give us is such a wonderful reminder of our natural state and the natural state of everyone, if we could lose the filter of the ego.
Blessings 🙏☀️

your meditations after each talk are wonderful. i loved this talk too. since the death of my husband my own impermanence is even more clear. and when i spend time every day remembering all the things i am grateful for in the 35 years of marriage, and how blessed our relationship was (and spiritually continues to be), i am transformed. i am lucky to have had a loving partner in this lifetime 🙏

Thank you Thomas🕊️

Felt the connection , presence and beautiful purity of acceptance.

Deep bow.

Thank you, really enjoying your talks and meditations. Namaste 🙏

💞🙏💖

Thank you for this and for the story about Serena, these lovely animals that give us their all 🙏⭐️💜

Thank you again for the wonderful talk. And I’m so sorry to hear about Serena, the way you talked about her in your other lectures with so much admiration and fondness made me feel I know her a little bit already and the way you translate and share her wisdom with us is beautiful 🙏🏼💫.

Thank you so much for this deep and inspiring session. My heart is with you and Heather as you mourn Serena’s passing. The paradox of joy and sorrow! How rich life is.