Compassion & Patience

In this talk and guided practice, we explore the relationship between patience and compassion. Patience is a necessary ingredient to cultivating both self-compassion and compassion for others, for it is through patience that we develop the ability to be present to suffering. In so doing, we begin to make space for our experience to be as it is, and for others' experiences to be as they are.

This is a 20-minute talk followed by a 20-minute guided meditation.

Transcript

In some of the past classes,

I've talked about patience and about compassion and self-compassion.

Today,

I thought I would talk about the relationship between patience and compassion.

First,

I'll start with two quotes.

The first one from Han Yu,

Who was a Chinese government official and poet,

And considered one of the top prose writers in the history of China.

He lived from 768 to 824 AD.

Universal love is called humanity.

To practice this in the proper manner is called righteousness.

To proceed according to these is called the Tao.

Another quote from David Frawley and Vasant Lab to Ayurvedic practitioners,

True humanity,

Which is humane feeling for all life,

Is at the heart of all life.

It is only when we come to look upon all things as human,

That we are capable of a truly humane existence.

Part of the reason I chose these two quotes is because compassion and patience both relate to suffering and how we work with suffering and are present to suffering.

Whether we like it or not,

Suffering is an intrinsic part of being alive and living a human life.

In Buddhism,

The first noble truth is often translated as life is suffering.

What this means is that as long as we're alive,

We're going to experience challenges,

Difficulty,

Pain,

Emotions,

Thoughts,

Things that might agitate us,

Irritate us,

And be difficult to work with.

That is not in itself a bad thing.

It's part of how we learn and grow.

Ultimately,

In my perspective and experience,

It actually is what makes us human.

It's through being present to our suffering and the suffering of others that our humanity naturally develops.

It's how we become more humane,

More present,

And more alive.

Some of you that have been in the other classes probably remember as I've mentioned this a couple of times,

The etymological definition of patience is the calm enduring of suffering.

Because throughout life,

When we have moments of suffering,

We have the choice.

We can react to it,

We can try to control it,

We can try to change it,

We can try to escape it,

We can try to push it down and repress it.

All of those reactions are just that,

They're reactions which actually cause us to continually be imprisoned by the experience.

When we learn to cultivate a greater degree of patience and to calmly endure the challenges that life throws at us,

It changes our relationship to all that we experience.

Instead of feeling like we constantly need to control and react what's occurring around us,

We're able to find a form of equanimity,

Of balance through being present and patient with the experiences.

As we do so,

We find that space of inner stillness that transcends the moment-to-moment fluctuations of the mind and the experiences of the body.

We find that place of unity within us where suddenly we are completely experientially present to ourselves and everything and everyone around us.

In so doing,

We become more alive,

We become more humane,

More kind.

The compassion and love and wisdom that we have within us as an innate potential naturally begin to grow and come forth.

The etymology of patience is the calm enduring of suffering.

The etymology of compassion,

It's two parts,

Come and passion.

The COM,

Come,

Is with or together,

And the passion is suffering etymologically.

Compassion means being with suffering.

We can only be with suffering if we've cultivated patience with the moment-to-moment experience of suffering.

As we cultivate patience,

We develop self-compassion where we can be present with our own suffering and allow it to be as it is and experience it.

Notice that it's impermanent and passing.

We can have the space to see what gifts it might be bringing as we grow and change.

As we cultivate and develop that ability for self-compassion,

We also cultivate a greater ability to have compassion for others in the world around us,

To be present to their suffering,

To be with them without trying to change it,

Without trying to make it go away,

Without us trying to go away and not have to experience their suffering vicariously,

To simply hold space and allow them to have their experience.

I know it doesn't sound pleasant,

But it's how we grow.

It's how we grow in all forms,

Whether physically,

Emotionally,

Mentally,

There is suffering that's inherent in growth.

That's why we call it growing pains.

When the physical body grows,

There is the experience of suffering.

Emotionally,

When we are challenged and we are forced to grow,

There is angst and anger and sadness and suffering.

But as we allow space for those experiences to be as they are,

The process of growth becomes more smooth.

When we stop trying to fight against the suffering,

We stop fighting against the tendency to grow,

And we actually become fuller human beings.

We grow more fully into ourselves and who we are meant to be.

We become more present.

Life becomes fuller and more meaningful because as we settle into this space,

We find that stillness beneath those fluctuations of sensation,

Thought,

And emotions,

And we realize that we are all a part of everyone and everything else.

There's a peace within that,

And there's a deeper connection that comes.

Connection is what love is.

Love is a sense of connection within oneself and between oneself and others.

When we love someone,

There's a sense of shared connection.

When we love ourselves truly,

We integrate all of the different complex multi-dimensional aspects that we carry within these finite spaces of our bodies,

And we become more whole and connected within self.

That's the paradox of humanity for me,

Is that we cannot experience happiness and love if we close ourselves down to suffering.

As Han Yu aptly said,

Universal love is called humanity.

When we fully embody this level of patience and compassion,

We tap into the source of universal love within ourselves,

And we're able to express our humanity.

In the highest degree,

In the fullest form,

Where as David Frawley and Vasant Lad said,

We develop a humane feeling for all life.

That we start to come to look upon all things in existence as human,

As part of this intricate web of life that is always inherently connected.

Even though we might sometimes feel separate or alone.

We never are.

Everything in existence is inherently connected.

Our bodies are continually in exchange with the world around us.

From the air we take in and give back out the food we eat and let go of.

Even our skin breathes and takes in molecules from the air and clothing.

And anything it touches.

But it's hard being human.

Because we have so many challenges.

But it's not meant to be different than that.

Because it's through challenge that we grow and we increase our capacity to feel love,

To connect with others.

To accept the complexity of our being and the complexity of life as it is.

That it is continually changing and in flux.

And when we try to fight against it,

We actually create more stasis and stagnation and more suffering.

And when we relax and we allow space to come into our lives,

And when we relax and we allow space to calmly experience all that is occurring,

It allows life to flow.

And that is when we enter the flow of the Tao,

As they would say in Taoism.

Where you become one with life and you just ride the waves and the cycles of lightness and darkness,

Of pleasure and pain.

And as you soften into that place,

The purity of intention,

Of acting from a place,

Of a desire to truly help others,

Without agenda,

Naturally arises.

Just being present in each moment,

We are given the gift of what to do and what to say.

Without trying.

Life can become so much easier if we allow it to.

But that's also part of the suffering of being human.

Is that so often we make life much more difficult than it needs to be.

Because we think that we know what we want or what is best for ourselves or for others or for the world as a whole.

And when we start to let go of that and soften into what is,

We start to see the beauty that is already present.

It's always here.

It's our minds that create the separation and distinctions and dualistic perception that make us think that it's not already perfect.

They think that it needs to be different than it is or we need to be different than it is.

In Chinese cosmology and Chinese medicine,

Humans are seen as a coming together of heaven above and earth below.

Yang and Yin,

Body and spirit.

And when those two come together,

The spirit has the ability to experience all that is manifest through the senses of the body and the mind.

If we did not have the dualistic aspects of body and mind which reside in duality,

We wouldn't be able to experience everything that is here.

But the spirit,

Which comes from unity and is unity,

When it experiences through the body and mind,

It's experiencing through those filters and it changes that sense of unity.

And that's the work of being human,

Is to drop below those fluctuations of the body and mind and find that spirit that we all have within us.

Body and spirit,

Heaven and earth,

Are considered yin and yang aspects of each other because it's at this level of duality where the oneness has split into two,

Which then gives rise to the three,

Which is the individuated human being and all the seemingly individuated things that we have at this realm.

Compassion and patience are qualities that are considered more yin because they're more passive and receptive.

In modern culture,

We often are more yang,

That we have this drive to try to change and control and alter things.

And so we see people that might be suffering or struggling,

And we want to help them.

And the way we sometimes try to help is by immediately trying to change their circumstances or situation.

And I've come to believe that the greatest thing we can offer anyone who's suffering is our presence.

And until we are coming from a place that we know we're acting with purity of intent and really just seeing them where they're at and helping them to make the most of their experience,

I think that that's the most important thing,

Is to just hold space and allow people to be seen in their suffering and have space to experience it.

Because often,

As they do,

It will start to change.

It will naturally start to transform,

And it will start to transform them as a person.

And that's where the growth occurs.

You know,

Sometimes I think that we take people's suffering away from them too quickly.

And I don't mean for that to sound hard.

But in my experience as a practitioner,

Over the last 15 years and working with patients and observing Western medicine and Eastern medicine and the dynamics within our culture,

We have a culture that wants quick fixes,

That wants things to just go away when it's uncomfortable,

To take a pill,

To get acupuncture and have it just go away,

Whatever the system or modality might be.

But there is a place for experiencing the suffering.

It's often part of our growth and how we learn.

And if we take that away too quickly from ourselves or from someone else,

We often don't learn the lessons that that suffering is coming to teach us.

And I also want to be clear that I'm not a masochist,

And I don't want this to be interpreted at the other end of the spectrum,

That pain is good or that we should inflict pain on ourselves or others.

That's not at all what I'm trying to convey.

Merely that as we experience suffering,

It has the ability to bring us great gifts.

At the very least,

It can teach us patience and it can teach us compassion.

You know,

Some of you have heard the story of when I was in Boston and I was riding my bike and got hit by a car,

And I had a severely herniated disc and nerve pain for months.

And it was the first semester at Harvard Divinity School,

And I had to stand through the second half of the semester through all of my classes because I couldn't sit for more than five or ten seconds without excruciating nerve pain.

Now,

If someone were to ask me in that moment,

Would I want that taken away from me?

I would say,

Of course.

Yet it wasn't,

And I tried my darndest to heal and get rid of it,

And over time it did heal.

But those months of continual suffering and pain softened me in a different way and taught me a greater degree of patience and greater tolerance and greater compassion for others who were going through chronic pain and how it disrupts sleep,

How it affects emotions.

And so there is a place for making space to be present with all that we experience,

Whether it's pleasure and joy and comfort,

Or discomfort and pain and suffering.

To be human,

We can't selectively choose our experiences.

Because we're in the realm of duality,

We can't simply only have pleasure.

And the more we actually allow for the difficult experiences,

It actually allows us to enjoy the beautiful experiences even more fully.

You know,

One of my favorite Rumi quotes that many of you have heard,

The wound is where the light enters.

It's when we experience these pains in life that it cracks open the heart and it has the ability to open us to experience even more light and even more beauty.

Now ideally,

It's helpful if we already have a degree of patience before we're in the throes of suffering.

Being human,

We're pretty much always already in the throes of suffering,

Whether we acknowledge it or not.

But this is part of the purpose of meditation practice,

Is it's a time to sit and simply experience everything that's occurring in our bodies and our minds and our emotions,

And to be present to it.

And when we sit,

There can be the urge to get up and leave or do something else or stop.

And that's a natural reaction when we feel discomfort.

And that's why we practice.

Through meditative practice,

We build up a tolerance to experience difficulty,

Calmly,

With equanimity,

So then we can act from a place of virtue and wholeness rather than a reactive place.

So if you will,

We will begin the practice here momentarily.

I'll give you a moment.

You can find a comfortable posture.

If you want to lay down,

That is fine.

If you're seated,

Just make sure that your knees are below your hips and that your torso and spine are rising vertically up towards heaven.

The natural curves of the spine.

Allow your shoulders to relax back and down.

Once you have your posture,

Become aware of the stability beneath you,

Supporting you and holding you up.

And go ahead and take a deep in-breath and just let it out with a sigh.

And again.

One more time and with your exhale,

Just try to release any unnecessary tension.

Soften into a natural movement of the breath.

Observing it as it flows in and out.

It may be long or short,

Choppy or smooth.

Simply allow it to be as it is.

As you continue breathing in a natural manner,

As you inhale,

Think internally the word patience.

And as you exhale,

Think the word compassion.

As you exhale,

Think the word patience.

And as you continue breathing,

Thinking patience on the inhalation and compassion on the exhalation,

Allow your awareness to gently scan through your body.

And if you find any places that have tension or pain or discomfort,

Make space for them and breathe patience and compassion into these spaces,

Allowing them to be as they are.

Thank you.

As you breathe patience and compassion into these places within the physical body,

Simply observing and being present with them,

You may notice that they start to shift.

If so,

Simply keep observing,

Making space for it as it is.

If it subsides,

You can continue scanning through the body,

Or maybe find another place to breathe patience and compassion into.

Thank you.

Now,

Continue this practice,

But with the mind.

Allow your awareness to shift to any thoughts that arise.

And if there's any difficult or challenging thoughts,

Simply inhale patience and exhale compassion while holding space for that thought to be as it is.

Thank you.

Now shift to the emotions.

Scanning internally,

Notice if there's any challenging emotions.

If you find any,

Simply hold space for them while breathing in patience and out compassion.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Now,

Guide your awareness to rest in the heart center,

The center of the chest,

Behind the sternum,

And simply soften your awareness into this space,

Breathing in patience and out compassion.

Thank you.

Start to become aware of the stillness within this space.

Allow your awareness to rest in this stillness.

Thank you.

As you continue softening into this stillness,

Become aware of the light within this stillness.

Allow the light to expand throughout the heart center,

Expanding throughout your chest and torso,

Throughout your entire body,

Feeling your entire being made of stillness and light.

Thank you.

Become aware of the felt sense of your body as a whole.

Feel the stability beneath you,

Supporting you and holding you up,

And the air around you,

In which you are immersed like a fish in water,

Never separate.

Become aware of your breath.

When you are ready,

Maintain a connection to the stillness and light within,

As you gently and slowly begin to open your eyes and take in the world around you.

As long as we are alive,

There will be challenges for ourselves and for everyone we know and care about.

We can choose to see each challenge as an opportunity for growth,

For deepening connection,

And for increasing our capacity for love,

Which arises as we touch into this place of stillness and light.

Stillness is a form of patience that allows the light of compassion to shine forth from us.

As you continue throughout your day,

If you notice any challenges come up in the body or the emotions or the mind,

Take a moment to breathe in patience and out compassion and touch into this place of stillness and light within.

Thank you all for joining me today.

Reviews

Your words, delivered in such a gentle way, are always perfectly stated as if just for me-- yet I know it to be true for all and this causes my nervous system to be open and calmer.

𝚂𝚞𝚙𝚎𝚛𝚋. 𝙼𝚞𝚌𝚑 𝚝𝚘 𝚛𝚎𝚏𝚕𝚎𝚌𝚝 𝚘𝚗. 𝚃𝚑𝚎 𝚛𝚎𝚕𝚊𝚡𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗 𝚠𝚊𝚜 𝚝𝚘𝚙 𝚗𝚘𝚝𝚌𝚑. 𝙰 𝚐𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚝 𝚟𝚘𝚒𝚌𝚎 𝚝𝚘𝚘.

Like your discussion on the topic of loneliness, this examination of the human condition of suffering and the importance for holding space to learn, grow, and heal was poignant and timely. Thank you for sharing your wisdom, time, and energy in this talk and practice. 🙏

This talk & meditation was super helpful. It made perfect sense & resonated with me. Thank you! 🙏🏻

Thank you Thomas for reminding me to hold space for the challenges of life for myself and others. There are challenges in my future that I can find myself worrying about, this talk and meditation reminds me to just hold space for the fear as it is and not try to change it. While at the same time realizing that the present moment is full of peace and stillness.
Namaste
Lucy

So so sooo much incredible wisdom. One to return to regularly. So truly grateful. 🙏🏼

Really wonderful Thomas. Thank you so much. I learned alot and was in a very good place during the meditation. Your voice is calming. I sent you a question through LinkedIn. Namaste 🙏

Always Grateful for your wisdom!🙏🏻♥️

✨absolutely divine in every way possible💫such beauty within✨thanku for this transformational sharing🙌🏼I have a special friend in the midst of emotional suffering and I can’t wait to share this meaningful talk and meditation with him💛🌼

Great great talk. I studied meditation and psychology at a Buddhist university and this talk brought back all of those feels and beautiful moments. Thank you for this, will be repeating again!!

Clear teaching and very Nice to implement it in a practice. You have a calm, clear and soothing voice. Meaning: I lost you halfway (dozed off) so I’ll repeat the meditation part soon! :-)

Powerful. Beautiful talk followed by an equally beautiful meditation 🙏🏼 thank you

Very helpful way of approaching this

Loved it💐Beautiful and calming❤️ Thank you🙏🏼

Thank you

Your ability to express complex concepts is astonishing. Every single word you choose is extremely simple and yet contributes to build sentences full of wisdom and insight. Every time I listen to your speeches I feel inspired and revitalized.

Wonderful, thank you 🙏

So serenely put across. Beautiful and succinct. With much gratitude 🙏

Very interesting! Your talks are amazing Thomas, you’re so wise 💖 thank you xx

A beautiful experience. Thank you Thomas! Listened as the sun was rising, filling the world with light.