Speaking Up And Advocating For Yourself

This episode explores how to speak up and advocate for ourselves when we encounter upsetting or hurtful behaviour. I address the reasons why we struggle to speak up, where this pattern is coming from, what are some of the most common unhealthy coping mechanisms that we adopt and how to shift them. I share journal prompts and guidance to help you speak up, advocate for yourself, set boundaries, and communicate your needs and wants to others.

Transcript

Hello and welcome everyone.

Thank you so much for joining me and sharing your time with me.

I really appreciate you being here.

Today I'm going to talk about speaking up and advocating for ourselves when we encounter upsetting or hurtful behavior from other people.

I'll explore the reasons why we struggle to speak up,

Where it's coming from,

What are the unhealthy coping mechanisms that we adopt and then I'll share with you journal prompts and guidance to help you advocate for yourself,

Set boundaries,

Express your needs,

Wants and expectations and clearly communicate them to others.

Let's get to it.

You've probably been in a situation at least once in your life where someone had said or done something that upset or hurt you but you didn't know what to say or do in response.

This could be a comment,

Snide remark,

Unsolicited advice,

Unconstructive criticism,

Gossip or anything else.

For example,

A family member might have said to you,

Why are you eating so much?

Have you tried this new diet?

Or why are you still single?

A co-worker might have said to you,

You don't seem to do much today or you don't do your job very well.

It could be about your body,

Looks,

Personality,

Your habits,

Health,

Lifestyle and life choices,

Relationship status,

Parenting style,

Work but also your beliefs and values.

And as hurtful these comments can be,

They can become even more harmful when they turn into a past.

For example,

When these people continue to make remarks or give their opinion or advice on a regular basis.

Because if this initially made us feel embarrassed and uncomfortable,

Then it starts to evoke feelings of shame and self-criticism.

It starts to impact our sense of self and self-worth,

The way we see and feel about ourselves.

And it can even seep into our identity.

We take it personally because it is about our personal life.

When we feel a sense of self-worth,

We feel a sense of self-criticism.

It is about our personal life.

When we feel that our bodies,

Looks,

Behaviour,

Personality,

Beliefs and choices are being scrutinised and targeted,

We feel small and inadequate.

We start to feel like there is something wrong with us that we need to hide,

Change or fix.

We all have our own ways of coping with such upsetting behaviour.

However,

One of the most common unhealthy coping mechanisms are ignoring,

Minimising or denying harmful behaviour.

Let's take a moment to explore each one of these.

When you hear a remark,

Comment or criticism,

You might try to ignore it as a way of coping with it.

You may say to yourself,

If I just don't say anything,

Then it will go away.

Or if I pretend I didn't hear it,

Then you'll get the hint.

Or you can minimise the upsetting behaviour by thinking,

Oh it's not that bad,

It's not a big deal,

It could be worse.

Or you can straight deny it by saying,

It doesn't bother me,

It's not upsetting,

I'm not affected by it.

If it's truly not upsetting to you,

Then there is nothing to worry about.

However,

If it is upsetting,

If you find it inappropriate or uncomfortable to be the recipient of such behaviour,

Then ignoring,

Minimising and denying is not going to help you healthily cope with this situation.

It's not going to help you regulate your emotional response and take a proactive course of action,

Such as speaking up,

Advocating for yourself and setting a boundary around what's acceptable to you and what's not.

Because for as long as we adopt these unhealthy coping strategies,

We can't get to the point where we break this pattern.

So the big question here is why we keep using these coping mechanisms if they are not helping us.

This could be because this is what we observe around us in our environment.

This could be something you've seen your caregivers do or something they've actually told you to do growing up as a way to cope.

It could be coming from your sense of self-preservation and keeping yourself safe.

The need for safety is a very strong motivator,

So you might ignore,

Minimise or deny as a way to protect yourself and keep yourself safe.

It could be because this is what feels the easiest thing to do.

Even though ignoring such behaviour is not easy,

It might still be something we're more comfortable doing than speaking up.

If speaking up and advocating for yourself brings you more discomfort,

Then you can see why you wouldn't want to put yourself in this position and add even more discomfort on top of everything.

We also continue to adopt these strategies because we harbour the hope that eventually people will change without us having to say or do anything.

And this is a really big one here.

We hope that if we just stay put and keep quiet,

Then one day they'll get the memo,

They'll get the hint and realise that what they say is inappropriate.

We all wait for that day.

However,

We might wait a long,

Long time for this to happen.

Because if we just sit and wait for people to change,

Then we might never stop waiting.

This is outside of our control.

What's within our control?

It's outside of our control.

What's within our control is our way of coping,

Our emotional response,

What we allow,

What we express and communicate,

The boundaries that we set and how we honour them.

These are the things that we can do something about and this is what's within our control.

Ignoring,

Minimising or or denying people's upsetting behaviour that makes us feel uncomfortable invites self-betrayal.

And self-betrayal makes us feel hurt,

Insignificant,

Unheard,

Resentful and angry.

We internalise the message that we don't deserve to be heard and that we choose to spare other people's feelings over our own.

And we harbour the belief that if we ignore long enough or pretend that it's not a big deal,

Then eventually it will start bothering us.

But emotions don't work that way.

This is not helping us keep the peace,

This is not making anyone happy and it's not going to make the other person understand the impact of their actions.

Self-betrayal doesn't go away if we ignore someone's behaviour.

It goes away by speaking up,

Advocating for ourselves and setting boundaries.

There are a couple of reasons why we might struggle to speak up and advocate for ourselves and why we are afraid to do so.

I'm going to briefly go through them now and I would encourage you to take a moment and reflect on which ones are applicable to you.

It could be because you don't know what to say or you think that you can't find the right words.

You might believe that the other person won't hear or understand you.

It could be that you believe that they won't care for what you have to say.

Or you believe that you may come across as being rude,

Mean or selfish.

Or you believe that you will hurt their feelings if you speak up.

Or that they won't take your needs and boundaries seriously.

Or you believe that speaking up won't change the situation.

Not knowing what to say in the moment is one of the most common reasons why we struggle.

We want to find the perfect words,

The perfect phrasing,

With the perfect tone of voice in the perfect moment.

However,

Such perfection doesn't exist.

We can come close to it with practice but waiting for it to happen isn't going to get us there.

Often it's not about what we say or how well we say it but the act of act of saying something.

Saying something in the moment can help us learn how to advocate for ourselves.

I know that it sounds easier said than done,

I get it.

I know that it's uncomfortable but speaking up and setting boundaries isn't exactly easy and yet we still do it because it's healthier for us to endure the discomfort of saying the wrong thing than not saying anything at all.

Because this way we don't betray ourselves,

We advocate for ourselves.

Allow yourself to be messy,

Allow yourself to say something and allow yourself to say the wrong thing.

Release the pressure of trying to find the right words.

And I'm going to quickly illustrate this a little bit better so it makes more sense.

Using the examples I gave you earlier,

If someone questions your life choices you can respond by saying I don't want to talk about this or I don't like this,

I'm not going to engage with this or I don't appreciate this,

Can you just not say this?

As you can see these are very simple sentences and they are not perfect but they are enough to help you start advocating for yourself and then with practice and time you'll be able to say something like I don't like it when you ask me this question,

I'm no longer going to accept this behaviour,

I need you to stop questioning my choices.

However for starters saying something quick in the moment is going to help you just as much.

People can take our silence as an indication that what they say to us is acceptable and okay.

This doesn't mean that we agree with it or that we welcome it but it leads them to believe that we allow their opinions,

Views and feedback to be freely shared with us.

This is why we need to set boundaries,

We need to learn how to express our feelings and communicate our needs and wants.

We need to set a boundary around what we accept and what we don't but in order for us to set boundaries we need to speak up,

We need to state what we need and want and what we don't.

This can't happen if we ignore,

Minimize or deny because people can't read our minds.

We should be the ones who set the tone of how we want to be treated and not leave it up to others to interpret it for themselves.

And we need to lead by example,

By showing them that we take ourselves seriously and that we are going to meet our needs,

Honour our boundaries and speak up when people violate them.

Advocating for yourself happens in the small,

Daily and often less than perfect actions.

It starts by speaking up and saying something and then by building the confidence to set boundaries and honour them.

If you want to explore the subject of setting boundaries first,

You can do it by yourself.

If you want to explore the subject of setting boundaries further,

You can check out my two previous episodes called Setting Healthy Boundaries and also the episode on Coping with Emotional Discomfort from Setting Boundaries where I talk more about this in detail.

I just want to make a quick note here before we move on.

I know that not every relationship would give you space to speak up and advocate for yourself.

I know that not everyone would hear and understand you.

However,

In the instances when this happens,

I would strongly encourage you to reflect on these relationships and the people in your life who don't give you space to set boundaries and communicate your needs.

Are they healthy for you?

Are they supportive of your wellbeing?

Do they have your best interests at heart?

Are they enriching your life or taking away from it?

Healthy relationships allow space for healthy boundaries and welcome clear communication.

They don't question your needs and don't ask of you to ignore,

Minimize or deny what you find uncomfortable or upsetting.

They are not going to ridicule,

Pick you,

Reject or abandon you for advocating for yourself.

However,

You never know whether your relationship is really healthy if you don't state your boundaries.

Don't let your assumptions stop you from doing so.

You don't know how people would react if you never speak up.

And now let's jump into our journal prompts and questions for self-reflection that we've got today.

Grab some pen and paper if you want to write them down and let's begin.

In what situations do you struggle to speak up?

In what situations do you find it difficult to advocate for yourself?

What are the relationships or people that challenge or violate your needs?

What are the relationships or people that challenge or violate your boundaries?

What upsetting behaviour do you often find yourself ignoring,

Minimizing or denying?

How does it make you feel?

How is it impacting your life?

How is it impacting the way you see and feel about yourself?

How ignoring people's upsetting behaviour feels within your body?

What emotions or sensations do you notice?

Which needs,

Wants and expectations do you struggle to communicate the most?

Where is it coming from?

What are the reasons behind why you hesitate to speak up and advocate for yourself?

What is stopping you from doing so?

What is stopping you from doing so?

That's all for today.

Thank you so much for listening and I really hope that you found it helpful.

And if you'd like to dive deeper into this work,

I've got a free self-acceptance workbook and journal guide that you can grab from my website for free.

And if you want to overcome unworthiness,

Insecurity,

Shame,

Self-betrayal and negative self-talk,

My one-on-one coaching program,

Rooted in psychology,

Will help you shift behaviour and thought patterns,

Process emotions,

Accept all parts of yourself and finally feel whole.

You can learn more via the link in my bio or about section.

Thank you again for sharing your time with me.

I truly appreciate it.

I send you lots of love and see you soon.

Reviews

Nameste 🙏

Thank you so much. I can hear the love and the care in your words.

So important and I struggle with this. Thank you for all that you have shared today. It has helped a great deal.

Will journal with these prompts. Thanks

This is exactly what I need and want to work on. Thank you!

really well done packed with clear simple suggestions and explanations

Very helpful for thinking about how to change patterns that I have followed for most of my life. Thank you

Just love listening to Annie…she is so informative and has such a soothing voice 😍

Thank you.