Overcoming Perfectionism

In this episode you’ll learn the many shapes and forms perfectionism can take, how to identify it, where it stems from and how to overcome it. I’ll also explore how perfectionism impacts the way we see ourselves, other people, and the world as whole. I share guidance, tips, journal prompts and questions for self-reflection to help you explore your perfectionist tendencies.

Transcript

Hey,

You're listening to the In The Colin podcast with your host,

Annie Gospotin.

Hello and welcome to this episode.

I'm so glad to share this space with you and I'm truly grateful for your support.

Thank you so much for listening.

Today I'm going to talk about perfectionism.

I'll explore the many shapes and forms of perfectionism,

How it impacts our daily life,

Where it stems from and how to overcome it.

As usual,

I'll share general prompts at the end of the episode to help you.

Perfectionism isn't always easy to identify.

We may think that we have perfectionist tendencies when we want to make things perfect,

When we procrastinate to do something,

No matter how important it is to us,

Because we don't think that we can be happy with the outcome,

When we struggle to try anything new,

Unless we believe that we can make it perfect,

When we doubt ourselves to a point where we don't believe that we can do anything right,

When we create something and go over it multiple times before we are finally satisfied with the final result.

These are just few examples of the main forms that perfectionism can take.

And yet they are not the only ones.

This is when perfectionism gets tricky to identify,

The times when we see through the myth of perfection and yet we still believe that we are not good enough and what we do might not be good enough.

We all know on intellectual level that perfection doesn't exist.

No matter what we do and who we are,

We'll never be perfect.

It's a man-made concept that can never be fulfilled.

We know that there are no perfect people but this doesn't stop us from wanting to be like the people who seem perfect,

People who we admire and want to be like.

In our limited perception of them,

They seem to do everything perfectly and this is what gives us just enough motivation to keep trying,

To be seemingly perfect too.

It's not enough for us to know that perfection doesn't exist because for as long as we look around and compare ourselves to other people,

Then of course we'll think that they are perfect.

Perfectionism makes us see the world through rigid lens of good and bad,

Wrong and right.

These are the same lens that make other people look perfect and make us look the complete opposite.

We trust these lens and often we refuse to question them.

It's hard to admit that we can choose how to see the world,

How to see other people and most importantly how to see ourselves.

If we want to see the illusion of perfection all around us,

Then this is what we'll continue to see and then strive for.

But while it's easy to see it in others,

It's hard to see it in ourselves.

In our perception we are not even close to being perfect.

We always seem to fade in the background,

We can't seem to do anything right and we always make mistakes.

Our efforts are never good enough and we can't help but feel less than other people.

Sounds familiar?

If it does,

Then trust me when I say this but you are not alone.

I know this feeling very well.

Years ago when I realized that I was a perfectionist,

I didn't take it seriously.

It didn't seem that important to me to explore it further.

I thought that for as long as I knew on intellectual level that I can't make things perfect,

Then I wasn't deeply affected by perfectionism.

I didn't know that we can hide our perfectionist tendencies very well even from ourselves.

Perfectionism can be a chameleon.

It can change under different circumstances and environments.

While I didn't strive to be perfect in terms of how I looked or the impressions I made,

I was still quite perfectionist in my work.

But the funny thing is that even then I thought that it wasn't that bad.

I used to tell myself that I didn't want to make things perfect so I wasn't a big perfectionist,

Right?

Well,

I was wrong.

I might have not wanted to make things perfect but I wanted to make them really exceptionally good.

I didn't want to be average in what I did.

It had to be great.

And here's the question.

Isn't great just another word for perfect?

How can we measure what perfect is and how can we measure what great is?

What is the criteria that we are using?

What standards are we living up to?

And who created these standards?

When I realized that my idea of what great is sounded a lot like what perfect is,

Things started to shift.

It wasn't instant.

But awareness is always the first step.

Now when I do something I make sure I pause to check what my expectations of the final outcome are.

Do I have realistic expectations or do I slip into the elusive territory of great and really good?

How can I be honest with myself without enforcing shame and judgment?

Taking off the perfectionist lens is not easy.

When we are used to seeing ourselves in one way,

It's hard for us to imagine that there is another possibility.

But there always is.

We can focus only on the things we don't like or we can allow ourselves to start noticing the things that we are open to like.

It's not going to be quick but don't let this discourage you.

Start small.

Start noticing what you are willing to appreciate.

And instead of questioning yourself or your work,

Perhaps it's time to start questioning the self-critical voice that points out your flaws and shortcomings.

We are also perfectionists when we want to be the best at something.

It makes us feel like we are in competition with ourselves and everyone else.

The harder we work to be the best,

The more threatened we feel when we can't manage to live up to our own unrealistic standards.

Often we think that if we are not the best,

Then there is no point in doing anything.

This is exactly what perfectionism does.

It tricks us into believing that our worth lies only in how good we are.

If we are not the best,

Then we don't feel good enough.

This is when perfectionism robs us from our sense of self-worth.

It makes us believe that our worth is a subject to change based on how well we do something,

How well we look,

Dress or act.

The more exceptional we are at something,

The better we feel about ourselves.

It's easy to see how this way of thinking distorts the way we feel about ourselves.

Do we really have to be the best at something in order to feel good about who we are?

Is it possible to appreciate ourselves regardless of how good we are at something?

I would like to think that it's possible.

Now let's take a moment to reflect on some of the patterns behind perfectionism so we can understand it better.

There could be many reasons to why we desire to achieve perfection.

Societal and cultural factors,

Environmental factors,

Individual differences.

It's not possible to map out a clear answer that's applicable to everyone because we are all different.

And I just want to quickly mention here that often we get too caught up in wanting to find out why.

We may think that once we figure out the reason,

Then we will change the pattern.

And while it may work this way in some instances,

It's not always straightforward.

We will never have a clear answer and that's okay.

We can still implement positive changes and make the shifts we want to create.

Perfectionism can often develop from our instinct for self-preservation.

It's the belief that if we do things perfectly or if we look perfectly,

Then we can protect ourselves from the pain of rejection,

Judgment,

Shame and blame.

When we strive for perfection,

We tend to focus on the outcome and approval of others.

Therefore,

It makes it more difficult for us to look at ourselves objectively.

We may believe that for as long as we do everything right,

Then we are not going to be judged and criticized,

Abandoned or rejected.

It doesn't have to be a logical belief because not all beliefs are logical in order for us to continue to operate under their direction.

Also,

It doesn't have to be a conscious belief.

You may not be instantly aware of it.

In reality,

Being perfect doesn't guarantee people's approval,

Love and acceptance.

But in our narrative,

It does.

We may do everything right and still be rejected because life is not certain or predictable.

We can't control other people's actions no matter what we do.

This is why exploring your stories is really helpful here because it can bring some light into many of your patterns.

If you want to learn more,

You can check out the episode called Exploring Your Stories of Unworthiness where I share more information on this.

We may also have perfectionist tendencies based on how we were raised and what we learned and observed from our caregivers,

Teachers and role models.

If we had critical parents who are perfectionists themselves,

It was easy for us to observe this pattern and model it on ourselves.

This is why we are not always aware of our perfectionist tendencies because it's something normal that we grew up with.

For many of us to be perfectionist is what our daily life is.

Often we gain awareness only after we start noticing how these tendencies negatively affect our lives.

So don't judge yourself for not understanding the sooner.

Self-discovery is a lifelong process and we can only take action based on what we already know.

When it comes to overcoming perfectionism,

There are many things you can try.

Some of them may work,

Some of them may not.

As I said,

We are all different so be prepared.

Another thing that you can try is allow yourself to make small daily mistakes.

First identify the areas where you are most likely to exhibit perfectionism.

This could be your looks and appearance,

It could be your work,

Your relationships,

Your hobbies.

Just list them all and then experiment by allowing yourself to do small mistakes.

For example,

If you are a perfectionist about your work,

Challenge yourself in the next week to proofread your work only twice instead of your usual four or five times,

For example.

Or if you are a perfectionist about your relationships,

Challenge yourself to show more vulnerability over the next couple of weeks.

Review something flawed or imperfect about yourself.

It will probably feel highly uncomfortable and that's okay.

Just notice how you feel and write down the fears and thoughts and emotions that may arise because as I said,

It may trigger your instinct for self-preservation.

Another thing you can do is daily reminders.

Remind yourself that being imperfect is being human.

Remind yourself that no matter how well you do something,

You are still just as worthy and deserving.

Your looks,

Work and relationships don't determine your value as human being.

Remind yourself that you don't have to earn people's love and approval.

And remind yourself that perfection doesn't exist.

There is no life that is perfect,

No matter how it looks on the outside.

We can never really know what's going on in someone's life.

This is why becoming aware of our own stories and narrative can be really helpful here.

The more we understand our own narrative,

The more we get to know ourselves on a deeper level and that's true power.

I would like to think that we can give ourselves acceptance and love no matter how many mistakes we make or how many chances we take.

Putting life in a constant chase with ourselves and others is exhausting and never-ending.

When we focus on how much or how well we do something,

We miss out on the gift to experience life unburdened.

When we can just wake up because we want to live,

Not because we have to.

When we can appreciate the beauty of the world around us,

Despite its many frustrations and limitations.

Not being considered the best at something is not so bad.

When we open ourselves to the possibility that life can be just as fulfilling and meaningful,

We can be just as happy and worthy and we feel at peace.

In a world of hustling,

Not striving to get somewhere can feel refreshing and liberating.

And now it's time for your questions for self-reflection and journal prompts.

Make sure you take some pen and paper to write them down if you wish to do so.

How does perfectionism impact my life?

How does it make me feel?

If I take off the lens of perfectionism,

What would I see differently?

What are the gifts of being imperfect?

How does being imperfect enrich my life?

What being imperfect can teach me about myself and others?

What can I learn from it?

I hope you found this episode helpful.

Thank you so much for listening and sharing this space with me.

I really appreciate you being here.

And if you'd like to dive deeper into self-acceptance,

I have a free self-acceptance workbook which is full of prompts and exercises and it comes with a bonus journal guide you can get down via the link in my bio.

And if you want to overcome unworthiness,

Insecurity,

Shame,

Negative self-talk,

Conditioning,

Self-abundantment and accept all parts of yourself,

My signature one-on-one self-acceptance program rooted in psychology will help you finally feel whole.

You can learn more via the link in my bio.

Thank you again for being here.

I send you all my love and see you soon.

Reviews

Thank you

Lots of great information. Thank you.