Not Taking Things Personally

This episode explores why we tend to take things personally, where this pattern is coming from, and how to shift it. I share practical guidance that you can easily apply and strategies that can help you stop taking things personally.

Transcript

Hello and welcome everyone.

Thank you so much for listening and sharing your time with me.

I truly appreciate it and I hope you find this episode helpful.

Today I'm going to talk about our tendency to take things personally.

Why we do it,

Where it is stemming from and how to shift it.

Throughout the episode I'm going to share with you practical guidance that you can easily apply and strategies that can help you rewire this pattern.

I'll start by giving you a couple of examples in order to illustrate this a bit better before we dive in.

I think most of us can recall a time in our lives when we've felt upset or frustrated reading an email or when the cashier at the store snaps at us unprompted or when our work colleagues have said something that we take at heart.

It's quite common and usually it's not something that's harmful to us or others.

However this tendency can become unhealthy when it turns into a pattern and causes us continuous emotional discomfort and prompts feelings of shame,

Embarrassment,

Humiliation,

Unworthiness,

Self-doubt and triggers our insecurities and old emotional wounds.

So why do we take things personally?

First taking the time and effort to reflect on your own emotions,

Thought processes and behavior can reveal a lot of information that you can then use to shift certain things.

The strategies I share at the end of the episode will be helping you with this but for now let's just focus on the two main reasons why we take things personally that we are going to explore today.

One of the reasons why we have this tendency is because of the stories or narrative that our minds create.

Our minds create a narrative in order to make sense of who we are,

Who other people are,

What our circumstances are,

What our past and future looks like and what is happening around us at any given time.

Our narrative defines the way we see ourselves and every aspect of our life,

The way we see other people and the world as a whole.

It's something that we've created long time ago as a way of responding to our environment and since then it has become a running script inside our head.

We are not always aware of our narrative unless we do some self reflective and exploratory work to uncover and understand what these stories are,

Where they come from and how they are affecting our life and sense of self.

Some of these narratives are not positively serving us and we continuously use them as a form of self sabotage and this is where this tendency to take things personally come into play.

When you take something personally you make it about yourself,

Not necessarily in the self-centered kind of way but in the way that your mind creates a narrative assuming that what's being said or done has something to do with you or who you are as a person.

For example let's say that you are at the store looking for a specific outfit and you would like the sales assistant to help you out but they avoid,

Ignore you or snap at you and you end up feeling frustrated,

Embarrassed,

Inadequate or invisible.

In this case your narrative might be that the sales assistant is busy or having a bad day and their behavior is not personal so it's easy for you to quickly brush it off and find a different assistant or a different shop.

However your narrative might be different.

You might assume that they are deliberately ignoring you because they don't like the way you dress or the way you look or sound and this makes you feel unheard,

Unseen and even bring back some memories or unresolved emotional experiences from the past such as childhood or adolescence.

As you can see these are two different narratives that leave us with two different interpretations of what's happening and a different emotional response in result.

In the second narrative you can see how easy it is to make the leap and take the sales assistants actions personally.

It's not exactly something we do consciously.

We assume that the other person's actions and behavior are personal and reflection of who we are but even though we are the recipient of their behavior it does not mean that their behavior is about us.

So in this case we need to create a regular practice of reframing our narrative in order to stop taking things personally and I'm going to talk more about what strategies you can apply later in the episode.

So this example was quite simple and it didn't give us much room for complexity because it is one of situations with people we don't really know are less likely to leave us questioning ourselves or sense of self or adopting who we are and what we do.

But if we use another example where someone we know says something to us that makes us feel upset,

Embarrassed,

Ashamed,

Unseen,

Insignificant,

Inadequate,

Unworthy or even abandoned then the situation can be a bit trickier to navigate.

In this case it's hard for us to distinguish between what is being said and who is saying it.

Our feelings can often get in the way and make it feel like it is personal otherwise we wonder why would they say it,

Right?

But in fact people say things for many reasons and being on the receiving end of their behavior does not mean that it is about us.

And just a quick note here before we move on.

Your feelings are valid and you have the right to feel whatever you feel regardless of your narrative and interpretation.

You may choose not to take it personally and still have an emotional response to it.

These two things are not mutually exclusive.

You can be hurt by what someone says to you and still choose not to make it about yourself.

By not taking things personally we don't stop ourselves from feeling but what we do is detaching our narrative and sense of self from what is happening so we don't question our self-worth or self and so we don't doubt,

Shame,

Blame or criticize ourselves in result.

By not taking it personally we allow ourselves to be and we release the other person from having power over us.

It doesn't take away their accountability and responsibility for their behavior but it frees us from carrying this emotional weight on our shoulders.

And there is an episode that I created not long ago on how to cope with such situations called speaking up and advocating for yourself where I share techniques and strategies and more in-depth information on how to do so.

So another reason why we might have the tendency to take things personally is because of our insecurities and emotional wounds from the past.

Often we interpret a situation or behavior and assume that it's about us.

We do so because it activates a memory or an emotional experience from the past that we haven't fully processed yet.

Becoming aware of your insecurities and what triggers you the most can give you a good indication of what your emotional wounds might be and in what situations they're prone to being activated.

So if we take the example I gave earlier about the sales assistant you might have taken their behavior personally because the experience might have reminded you of a time in the past from school for example where you felt inferior or less than others because of the way you look or dress or other kids might have ignored you or made fun of you.

So even if these two situations are completely different in reality your unconscious mind might not understand this.

That's why we need to create a habit of distinguishing between past and present feelings,

Past and present emotional experiences.

If this insecurity has been triggered then your mind assumes that all similar behavior stems from the same source but that's not true.

The self diminishing or self lacking stories that we create from our insecurities or emotional wounds are not true.

The more secure we become in who we are the less triggered we'll be and less personally we'll take things.

When we take things personally we assume that it has something to do with us however this is not quite right.

Other people's behavior and actions have very little to do with us and a lot more to do with them,

Who they are,

What they value and believe in,

What their patterns are,

What their experiences are.

Their behavior is not a reflection on us.

It is coming from their own past experiences,

Upbringing,

Memories,

Emotions,

Narrative,

Insecurities,

Thought and behavior patterns,

Fears,

Beliefs,

Values and so on.

Just like our own behavior is a reflection of who we are and so is other people's reflection of them.

We are not any more or any less special than anyone else is and this gives us comfort in the knowledge that we are all just living life the way we know best.

We are all human,

We all make mistakes and we all learn in our own pace and this can also give us comfort in the knowledge that what people do or don't do is not personal and this allows us to shift the focus and detach the situation from our narrative and insecurities and develop a more balanced and healthier emotional response.

Now let's talk about how you can shift this tendency and stop taking things personally.

There are a couple of things you can do straight away.

First is to gain awareness of what you feel most insecure about and what your most common triggers are.

Then when you find yourself in a situation that you have a strong emotional reaction to and you feel like it's about you then you'd be prepared to identify the trigger and recognize the insecurity before your mind brings you back to the old story.

Then I would suggest you take a moment to notice what emotions you experience and what thoughts come up to you.

Do they seem familiar?

Is your mind creating a story that's taking you back to the past?

And then ask yourself the following set of questions.

What is the story that I'm telling myself about this?

What other interpretations can I create?

What other possible meanings can I attribute to this?

Why am I making this about me?

These questions can really guide you further towards reflecting and reframing your narrative so you can stop taking things personally.

Make sure to give yourself plenty of time and space to practice this.

Be patient with yourself during this process because it's continuous effort.

It's not going to be instant but gradually you notice the difference.

You get there.

I really hope you found this episode helpful.

Let me know your thoughts and insights.

I would love to hear from you.

Thank you so much for listening and sharing the space with me.

I send you lots of love and see you soon.

Reviews

Nameste 🙏

Your questions to journal about where really good. My initial answers were helpful and I think going back and listening to this every time I find myself taking another person‘s behavior personally will be helpful. thank you 💛⭐️🌹💛⭐️🌹💛⭐️🌹💛

Very helpful indeed. Thank you for sharing 🌟

Thank you, I appreciate your insights. They will help me navigate through a very tricky and hurtful familial situation. Sending good wishes. 🌻

Very informative!

Loved your kind approach to finding peace for oneself and so to others as well ❣️

Thank you so much

Thank you so much for taking the time to prepare this thoughtful and insightful talk. Much appreciated. Sending love and gratitude

Still processing this beautifully thought out guided mindfulness journey. Thank you. Such positive, assertions of energy and goodness to support all.

Excellent! I wish I had had this knowledge a long time ago but, what can you do? I’ll start applying it now. Thank you!

Excellent talk..I took a lot from it. Thank you Annie 🙏

Thank you 🙏