Weakness Is Strength

Weakness is considered largely to be something to work on and diminish. However, in this episode, I’ll propose how we will always have weaknesses, and that we as humans are wired to utilize weakness as a means of creating stronger connections and deepening community. | “To share your weakness is to make yourself vulnerable; to make yourself vulnerable is to show your strength.” ― Criss Jami (American Poet and Philosopher)

Transcript

Hello there and welcome back to another episode of Thought Architecture.

I'm Justin,

I'm your host,

And I'll be taking you through this mental framing of weakness as a strength.

So,

Very simply put,

There are three things to discuss.

Number one,

Weakness is actually a strength.

Number two,

Strength is actually a weakness,

Which might seem like it's the same thing,

But it's not.

And the last one is called the weakness of strength.

Okay,

So when we were talking about human connection,

When we were talking about how humans work,

The human operating system,

One of the biggest things to notice is that our primary fear is this idea of being banished,

Not being valued by the tribe and therefore cast out of the tribe,

Because the tribe is so valuable to us.

And so how we relate to the tribe,

How we understand ourselves,

How we understand leadership in a tribe as well,

Is all very important and it connects back to this very simple concept,

Which is weakness.

So in these kinds of situations,

If we feel safe and secure to share something,

We will.

The security and the trust that comes with how people understand this and what they do with this knowledge is very important for our survival.

So of course we're not sitting around in caves,

Around fires,

You know,

Hunting for our food anymore,

You know,

These types of times have passed,

But our software,

The hardware stays.

And so we can utilize our software in a way that will then help us to find happiness,

Fulfillment,

You know,

Connection,

All of these things that people look for.

So it's very simple.

If you go through a hard trial and you break down crying,

You feel incredibly vulnerable and the people around you can do one of two things.

Number one is they can accept you or they can reject you.

They can not say anything,

But later on you find out that they've been gossiping or laughing about you behind their backs,

Things like that.

Okay.

And so what we're talking about is environments where we feel safe and we can trust that the people there are going to be responsible with our shares,

With our emotions or not.

We find out that actually people are being very mean and rude either to our face directly or indirectly to us and making us seem less valuable to others because of the shares.

So if we structure it in this way,

It's very simple.

The idea is that as a knee-jerk response to just make sure that we're surviving,

We will project strength.

And whenever we are forced to show weakness,

It's somehow bad.

But actually this is not the case.

If we can be comfortable with our weakness,

If we can see weakness and sharing weakness is actually a strength,

To have weakness is part of the human enigma.

And so the way that we relate to weakness is very important.

So something that I loved was Arnold Schwarzenegger talked about when he was first getting into movies.

And one of the things that he said was that at the time Hollywood was looking for actors like Robert De Niro,

Like Al Pacino,

Dustin Hoffman,

You know,

Like these types of actors who really had great gravitas.

They were shorter in stature and their acting spoke for itself.

They weren't looking for these huge guys with,

You know,

Not so great an acting quality and a thick accent.

They weren't looking for those types.

But he saw this and this is one of the ideas that's known as,

You know,

The bugs becoming the actual,

The bugs becoming the features.

And that's exactly what he did.

He went into roles where he was like the big brawny dude.

He went into roles where his accent didn't really matter.

As a matter of fact,

It was a feature.

So considering your weakness as a feature,

Number one.

But number two is this idea of,

Well,

If we constantly run away from our weaknesses and we only go to our strengths and they have even more strength over us,

Even more power over us.

And it's even more painful when someone calls us out on these types of things.

So just in terms of relating to ourselves,

Admitting our weaknesses,

Having a knowledge of our weaknesses by tracing our emotional paths.

What are we embarrassed about?

What are we ashamed about?

What do we feel bad about?

And not just within ourselves,

But what are we scared to share?

What are we worried about sharing or embarrassed to share or shameful to share?

Those are our weaknesses.

And so by looking at our weaknesses and finding ways to then overcome our weaknesses,

Finding ways to then add resources to dealing with weaknesses,

We become much more skilled at the meta skill of dissolving or transforming weaknesses,

Which makes us a stronger person for it.

Now,

That being said,

When we relate this to relationships,

There was a very interesting piece of research that was done about what creates stronger bonds.

And it turns out that sharing vulnerabilities and weaknesses actually creates more strength of connection than does sharing points of pride,

For example.

So the idea is that when we share,

It's not just only sharing weaknesses will create bonds.

It's more this idea of sharing a little bit of everything,

Including the the ugly parts of our personality,

Sharing the strengths,

Sharing our flaws.

Sharing ourselves wholly is basically not hiding and allowing people to then make their decisions about us.

Now,

What I would recommend is if you're going to do this,

Don't just kind of like flop down in front of a community of people and just give them all the nitty gritty.

What I'd recommend is establishing trust as part of your shares by putting time in there and putting in inconsequential shares as well,

Like doing this as a progressive overload of plus one,

Because number one,

Putting time in between your shares is important so that you can see,

Well,

What does the other person do?

How did I feel about it?

Reflecting on yourself and the other person as well and giving time for that to grow and develop.

Plus,

It means that you're not overloading the person,

You know,

Making it feel like you're just vomiting all your weaknesses,

Your bad things on top of them.

So putting time in between it is good.

And then putting in a progressive overload.

So don't share something that'll cause all kinds of a mess in your life straight off the bat when you don't know how this other person is going to act.

Of course,

It's going to give you a very high emotional barrier to overcome.

Your brain is going to tell you,

Don't do this,

Don't do this,

Don't do this,

Don't force yourself through that kind of thing.

Establish the trust so that your brain has confidence in you being able to manage yourself and in your partner,

Friend,

Whoever the social relationship is,

Being able to manage,

You know,

These pieces of information and what you share as well.

So a progressive overload of inconsequential to then building up to what are huge consequential kind of things.

So seeing how that works for you.

And then we talk about leadership as well.

So there's a video that I'll link below and an article that I'll link below about different types of leaders in different types of groups,

As well as the video being on Tyler Durden in Fight Club,

You know,

And the space monkeys and what's known as the the unconflicted leader.

A leader who shows no weakness and what kind of a community that creates is actually very much one of a whole load of people who are not individuals,

But rather being the type of person that they think the leader wants them to be,

Which is a hell of a thing.

And then after that,

The very simple point is coming back to the the idea of,

Well,

The leader is also fixed in place,

The leader cannot be anyone else other than this person who is full of strengths with no weaknesses,

Because they've never laid the groundwork with saying,

Weakness is okay,

It's okay to have weaknesses.

All right.

And then when you take a look at this kind of thing,

If you have a leader who says,

Look,

You know,

We need some help,

We need to figure this out,

We have a problem,

And I can't solve it on my own.

It is also a call to action.

It is also something that means that you're more comfortable sharing.

So a leader being someone who's more experienced,

Sharing weaknesses as well,

Sharing vulnerabilities,

To allow others to feel safe to do so,

Too.

You know,

These types of things can be done in exercises,

These types of things are usually better when they happen organically.

But usually most people aren't comfortable within themselves,

They've never developed the skills.

And so we go back once again to the idea that it's all about skill developments.

You can develop the traits of a good leader,

You can develop the traits of being a good communicator,

Of sharing,

Of creating connection and trust.

And one of the big things about trust is integrity,

As in doing what you say you're going to do.

So if you share a weakness with someone,

And they say,

You know,

Like,

Thank you for sharing,

I treasure this a lot,

And I'm going to keep it between us and they don't.

You know,

That's why you start with the smaller shares.

So you can build confidence in trusting people as well,

Because trust isn't necessarily what another person does.

It's how you feel about that a lot of the time,

Trust is almost like an expectation.

We can get into the positives and negatives of trust at any point in time.

But for now,

It's suffice it to say that it's something that you can build up with yourself to just see that it's not such a big deal.

If a person breaks trust,

They're still a good person,

They just maybe don't have the skills to do X,

Y and Z.

And so you creating a safe space,

A good environment for people to be around means that they're going to share more of their vulnerabilities with you.

And you reciprocating.

So coming on the flip side,

What does a person do when a vulnerability or a weakness has been shared?

It's about relating to that weakness relating to that vulnerability rather than trying to fix that weakness,

Fix that responsibility.

Sorry,

That weakness.

So the first part of call is about identifying with it,

And just acknowledging it,

You don't need to fix anything.

And I think that's one of the big stepping stones of this is getting over the need to fix something,

You can offer your services and say,

Hey,

Listen,

I have a little I have a solution for you at any point in time that you want it.

But for now,

I'm just going to say,

You know what,

I relate to this,

I understand this,

I felt the same things.

Here's my way of relating to it.

So think about Alcoholics Anonymous,

And maybe just the perception of it that you've seen in movies or TV shows or whatever,

Where people stand up and they share and they're accepted for their shares.

It's anonymous,

So you can almost automatically trust that,

You know,

There's no consequence,

Even if you do a big share,

It's not going to get out of your life.

And likewise,

There's a mutually assured destruction of well,

If one person shares get out,

Well,

You know,

Whoever is the person sharing it,

They're also vulnerable.

So there are ways of being able to hack the group.

But definitely not an organic thing and definitely not recommended if you can bring it up organically,

It's always much better.

So in saying that,

We talked about weakness is strength,

Sharing weaknesses creates bonds between people,

Right?

It creates an environment where people are promoted to create safety,

To establish trust and integrity to reciprocate sharing as well,

Which creates those bonds between people,

Right?

So it's almost like the soil for any future tasks or anything like that,

That's going to come up to be able to share things like this to feel accepted by the group,

Despite all your warts.

And that's a big deal.

Just feeling accepted is one of the biggest human markers,

Being accepted at your worst.

That's a huge,

Huge thing.

And I'm sure you can speak to that,

You know,

We've all felt that kind of thing.

So once we get past that step of weakness is strength,

We can also see that strength is weakness by projecting strength all the time,

We start to isolate ourselves,

People can't relate to us necessarily.

And you've got this persona that you have to live up to that isn't necessarily real.

You feel like,

Perhaps even if you show a little bit of weakness that you're going to be laughed at,

Ridiculed,

Banished,

Talked about,

Whatever,

You know,

And so there could be a huge consequence for you even stepping remotely out and showing any sign of weakness.

And so you create personalities which are very egotistical,

Egocentric,

And not really creating a safe space for others.

So that's,

Weakness is a strength,

Strength is actually weakness.

And then there's also something called the weakness of strength,

Which is that every weakness that you see is the flip side of strength,

Which is quite interesting.

So a person who is anally retentative about the details,

You know,

Like,

Oh,

This has to be like this,

That's a great quality to have in someone who's an editor,

A copywriter,

Someone who has to cross the T's and dot the I's,

But is a terrible quality to have in,

Let's say,

A parent who's parenting a child and making them go through all these details and the child doesn't feel like they can be loved unless they go through the same thing.

Saying that as well,

From a friend's perspective,

A partner's perspective,

You know,

To have someone whose qualities are great leadership,

Well,

The weaknesses of that is that they try and take control of every situation.

You know,

Perhaps they feel like they could do better as a leader in other situations.

So there's always this kind of case of,

Well,

A person who has this as a strength,

In other contexts,

It could be a weakness.

And so in sharing that,

That like,

Well,

Your greatest strength is also your greatest weakness as well.

So looking at what your weaknesses are,

And addressing those and acknowledging those and creating protocols around it,

Whatever that means for you,

That's very important.

So once again,

We come back to this idea of the individual,

You sharing your weaknesses in a progressively overloaded manner to people and putting time in between is always a good thing to do.

And then to the group and promoting sharing within the group between individuals to create relationships,

Etc.

This is a big deal.

And then as a group leader looking for people who create safe spaces for you to acknowledge your own weaknesses,

Creating safe spaces where they can also acknowledge their own weaknesses.

If you have a leader in your life that's somehow infallible,

Like nothing is ever wrong,

There's a problem there.

And maybe not in the short term,

But in the long term,

It will definitely fester and create problems,

Even more problems.

No one is perfect.

And so taking that on board,

No leader is infallible.

And so leadership can be yes,

It can be autocratic and still fallible.

It can be democratic and still,

You know,

Perfect.

Oh,

Don't question the leader,

Even though we're in a democracy,

Don't question the leader,

Because they know everything,

They see everything,

Etc.

They know how to do everything.

Definitely not the case,

Which is one of the reasons why I invite you,

If you disagree with anything that I've got to say any,

Any ideas that I put forward,

Please reach out to let me know the country I welcome this,

I will create a safe space for you to call me out.

I know that calling calling a person out has a loaded connotation.

But please feel free at any point in time to challenge my perspective.

And I will happily look at it and over time develop and integrate either answers to that or challenges to to that counterpoint.

Or I'll take it on board and I will assimilate that counterpoint.

That's,

That's one of the values that I've set for myself as saying I can change around these things,

Because I'm always going to be able to find a weakness.

And so being able to take people's feedback as that even if they're meant as harsh criticisms,

I'll take them on board and I will change myself.

Why?

Because I believe in changes.

One of my core values is that we cannot stay the same person all the time.

But guided by principles of number one,

Being true to oneself,

Number two,

Being courageous and trying to be brave and strong.

Why?

So that we can work through our weaknesses and create value for ourselves and others.

Because one of the greatest ways that we get feelings of fulfillment,

Happiness,

Love,

Is through connecting with others,

And ultimately building them up and giving to others.

And that's something that we can find in a lot of literature.

So I'll connect,

Like I said,

A few things below for your perusal to,

To see what influenced the making of this podcast.

But one of the biggest things that I can invite you to consider is that your weaknesses are things waiting to create even stronger connections with the people in your life.

And once you've started that,

It'll have a snowball effect where people will feel that they can open up to you as well.

I've been Justin and this has been Thought Architecture.

And please remember that the number one goal for this is start discussions,

Start connections,

Start conversations with people where you can engage them on topics that actually matter rather than,

You know,

Like,

I don't know what celery juice is doing to our bodies or,

You know,

The latest biohack or perhaps even,

You know,

What to do with your money,

You know,

Like these are great ideas,

Sure.

But this is just a different idea.

And I largely promote it for your own satisfaction.

If you feel called to give me a five star review,

Go for it.

If you feel called to,

You know,

Share this,

Because it seems suitable to another person,

Please do.

But one of the biggest things that I can do for you is just ask you to talk to someone in your life,

Connect with them,

Cup of coffee,

A dinner,

Anything like that.

And,

You know,

If you're called to do it as well,

You know,

Please let me know your objections,

Your challenges as well.

I'd love to hear them.

Until then,

Until next time.

See you later.

Ciao,

Ciao.

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Namaste 🙏