E2: Connecting The Dots Between Mind And Body

Hi there! I'm Celina Rose a YOU-Coach and host on The Rebel Rule Breaker Podcast. Listen in on this episode as we dig in to discover why we experience body dissonance and what we can do about it. Our connection to our bodies is the most sacred thing on this planet, it is what makes us human - yet so many people walk around without even knowing what's going on below the neck. Let's change that!

Please note: This track may include some explicit language.

Transcript

I believe that many of us are learning to alienate our bodies in our childhood.

We learn to separate ourselves from who we are,

From our desires,

From what we want,

Our fears and our pains,

To accommodate the survival of our tribe,

To accommodate the needs of our tribe.

And we see this over and over again,

With people not knowing how they feel,

With people not knowing what they need,

And with people who have the tendencies of overgiving and people-pleasing and essentially crossing their own boundaries time and time again,

Without even realizing it.

And we get this alien feeling about our bodies,

Because when we were young,

Many of us were told,

Like,

When we had an emotion,

That that emotion was the wrong emotion,

That when we had a certain way of expressing ourselves,

That that was the wrong way of expressing ourselves,

That we shouldn't express ourselves like that.

But when we had a thought or an idea or anything like that,

It was like,

No.

And the worst one,

Honestly,

In my opinion,

Is this whole idea of it hurts.

And then when you tell your kid,

No,

It doesn't,

You're fine.

To me,

That's one of the worst things that creates this disconnect between our mind,

Our heart,

Our soul,

And our body.

Because what we are literally saying is,

I know better than you do about your body.

And growing up like that can push you into a certain path in adulthood of being.

And for me,

That looked like I became a people pleaser and a pushover.

And I allowed other people,

Mainly boyfriends,

To just walk all over me and force me to do things that I didn't want.

Because I had learned that what I feel in my body is not true,

It's not valid.

What I experience in my body matters less than the people around me,

What they want,

What they need.

They say their experience matters more than my experience.

Now,

I'm not saying that this is true for everyone,

That this will be everybody's experience and all of that.

But it was my experience.

And moving through this has taken me a long time.

And it's something that still pops up,

Because there are always,

The deeper you connect to yourself,

There's always going to be more layers and more intimacy to discover,

And new needs and new ways of communicating to be put out into the world.

But the biggest one,

And it's a balance that I'm actually trying to find with my kids right now,

Because in most cases,

Most cases,

What you feel and experience in your body is to be taken serious,

Is to be,

You know,

It's valid,

It's always valid.

But the thing that's starting to pop up in my mind and in my life is that that's not always the case,

You know.

Sometimes when we have an emotional reaction to something,

Then I'm able to ask myself,

Okay,

Is this,

What is this?

What am I feeling?

Why am I feeling this?

And sometimes it's like,

It has something to do with my partner and what I experienced there and something that he has done or hasn't done that's making me feel a certain way.

And when I take this to him,

The times where I feel like we need to have a conversation and he can just straight up say,

Babe,

You know,

It's nothing like that.

Then we need to have the ability,

The skills,

The mindset to be able to say,

Okay,

My experience right now,

It's still valid,

It's still my feelings about it,

It's still my experience,

But it is not the truth because I am just projecting my woundings onto the situation.

And that balance is a balance that can be quite tricky to find.

And it can also create like a bigger dissonance within your own mind and your own heart because they are suddenly like saying A,

But B,

And then this man out here in my case,

For instance,

Is saying C.

So which one is it that we are going to believe?

And having this tendency to mainly believe the words of other people over our own experience,

Here comes gaslighting,

Here comes manipulation,

Here comes control,

Like being controlled,

Because we push ourselves aside because we don't matter,

Because we have been taught unintentionally most likely that everything below here,

Like everything below the chin is just,

It doesn't matter.

So we have this alien feeling in our bodies without us even realizing that we are not connected to our bodies.

And this has definitely been like one of the biggest eye-openers for me because in a way I have always been deeply connected to my body,

But the way that I had been connected to it was with a negative view.

So if we take two strains,

We have like a positive strain and a negative strain,

I was connected to my body in a negative way.

I saw it,

I felt it,

I experienced a lot of pain,

Like physical pain,

Like my entire life growing up.

And I had no idea about any emotions.

I knew when I was sad and I knew when something was uncomfortable.

And that was it.

That was basically the only two emotions.

And feeling uncomfortable is not even an emotion.

It's just a sensation.

So that was basically the only two things that I was able to register in my body.

And if we are unable to go deeper than uncomfortable,

Then we're stuck there.

Because if something is just uncomfortable,

Then what?

What is it about this that makes it uncomfortable?

Which part of me is it that desires to come out and speak?

What is it about this situation that's causing this feeling in me?

And if we don't dare to ask ourselves that,

If we don't even try to go down there,

We're just creating this loop of further alienating ourselves.

Because we don't know what's going on.

We don't know who we are.

We don't know who we are if we don't know how we feel.

We don't know who we are if we don't know what makes us happy.

If we don't know what makes us smile and makes us laugh.

Because that's a part of who we are.

Because who we are has nothing to do with the outside world and the labels and anything like that.

Who we are has something to do with what we enjoy,

With our pains,

With our emotional responses.

That's more about who we are than anything outside.

Because if we flip it around and say,

For instance,

I'm a coach,

That's my job,

That's what I do.

Okay,

But who I am?

I am a coach.

But I am a coach because it gives me such a pleasurable feeling inside to be able to share this wisdom,

This knowledge,

And to just be me.

And to see all of the lightbulb moments in the conversations that I have.

To help inspire the world to be a better place by just following those rules.

Because we don't need them.

That's why I am a coach.

Because I love that feeling that it gives me.

But if I didn't know that,

I'm just a coach.

Nothing else.

So when we are connected to our bodies and able to feel these emotional responses and these feelings that we have,

We are able to go deeper into the feeling of who we are.

And having this alienating connection to our bodies,

It has been something evolutionary that we have needed it.

Like everything that has happened,

Everything where we are,

Evolution-wise,

We have needed it to grow from it.

Like we have needed to create problems to then grow from.

And if we take it quite practical down to,

Like,

Imagine war zones.

If we weren't able to alienate ourselves from our body,

Creating that disconnect from our bodies.

And I know that there's still war going out and about in the world,

And it's nothing to do with that.

But I think that you need to have a certain disconnect from your emotions if you're able to survive in a place like that.

So it has been needed all throughout evolution.

But we are at a place now where we need something else collectively on the planet Earth.

We need something else.

So how the fuck do we do this?

How the fuck do we do it?

By checking in.

That's one of the first main steps you can ever take.

Check in with your body.

Check in with yourself.

How do I feel right now?

What do I need right now?

And start to work with your body and not against it.

Because the more that we're actually working against it,

The more we're just creating resistance towards the path that we want to take.

I see it like this.

I have only seen it in Milan,

You know,

Like the thing you have on the fingers that's stuck.

When you pull apart,

It just creates the vacuum and you can't get the fingers out.

But if you push it in and work together,

Then it eases up and you can remove it and get your finger out.

And it's the same with our bodies.

As soon as we start to work with it,

With the problems,

With the experiences,

With our emotions,

With our digestive systems,

With our skin,

With our pains,

With everything,

Working together with our bodies is what's going to lessen this alienating,

Lessen this disconnect.

And to just check in several times a day.

I started doing this like a long time ago.

I don't do it as often anymore.

I don't do it on a regular basis because I just feel it.

But in the beginning,

It was like,

Okay,

What do I feel right now?

I know that you can feel a lot more than one emotion at one time.

It's not one emotion has it all.

Many emotions have it all.

Many emotions are in the field at the same time,

Like football players.

It's not just one.

And then what do I need right now?

And then I want to encourage you to take distance from if the answers in the beginning,

If the answers that are popping up to what do I need has something to do with screens,

Or food,

Or drinks,

Anything to intake or screens.

I want to encourage you,

If you can't decide it,

To take a step back from them and say,

Okay,

I hear you.

What else can I do to fill this need?

Because that's a learned mechanism from our mind and our bodies that,

Okay,

If we do this and this,

Then we're going to get hit by a rush of dopamine and we're going to feel better.

But we're just numbing out.

And numbing out is going to create more gaps in this disconnect from our bodies.

So if you want to work with your body,

Give something to your body that it really needs.

Unless,

Of course,

Like we're speaking about like scratch us.

If it's something,

I don't like the label unhealthy.

It's a rule that certain types of food and drinks and stuff is unhealthy.

But if you get like you need a glass of water,

Or if you need a smoothie,

Or a certain type of fruit or vegetable and stuff like that,

Go for it.

But it's more like if your body says chocolate,

Or your body is saying cake,

Or I want to watch the show on Netflix or whatever.

And it's just in the beginning.

Because I experienced like a lot of times now when I'm like having this check in with myself,

And when I do it,

That,

Okay,

Some days I actually just crave fucking chocolate.

And then I eat chocolate.

Fine.

And so it's not to say to shy away from these type of things.

But especially here in the beginning,

To learn to experience the difference between when is it an actual need from my body to have chocolate or anything else?

And when is it just a numbing out process,

Or a numbing out source?

So I don't have to focus on what's going on.

So in the beginning,

In the beginning,

Shy away from those type of answers.

Just let your body know,

I hear you.

What else can we do?

Because there is going to be something else.

And it's really not because that I don't have anything against binge watching shit on Netflix and eating a whole lot of unhealthy,

Quotation,

Food.

Because I don't see it as that.

That's not my experience.

Because if we work with our bodies,

There's a reason that need is there.

There is a reason that it's there.

And when we are working with it,

We find it.

And by giving our bodies what it needs,

We are able to work with it.

And we can find it.

And we can find it.

And we can find it.

And by giving our bodies what it needs,

We are able to work with it.

And our body is more likely to give us what we need to.

So it's like,

Instead of seeing you as your body,

See you as a part of your body.

Like you can talk to your body,

Have a conversation with it,

Receive answers,

Receive questions.

And just have this partnership with your body.

And for someone new into this,

I can understand how this can sound completely crazy and out of proportion.

So you can have a relationship with your body.

And you can talk to it and have a conversation with it.

What the fuck?

You know?

But all of that is really stemming from,

Again,

Like with,

You know,

Childhoods and stuff,

Where we are learning that what our body is telling us is not true.

Because our body is speaking to us all the fucking time.

It's just about learning the language so that we can speak to it.

Listen.

And speak back.

And you will see this a lot in kids,

Like when you ask them,

And this is something I do a lot to my kids,

Because I was never taught to speak about my needs.

So whenever there's something wrong and their initial emotional response has subsided,

I always ask,

What do you need?

And I speak up about my needs to them.

Like,

If I need to go to my room and just lay down for a little bit,

If I need to go outside or whatever,

I'm always speaking of I need.

I never,

Ever learned to feel my own needs.

I didn't even,

I actually thought that it wasn't okay to have needs.

And I thought that,

And this is the rule that I had been taught,

That,

Well,

One,

Having needs wouldn't make you needy.

It's kind of in the word.

And that I thought,

Like,

I had in my heart,

And I cannot smile about saying it,

Because it's so preposterous.

I thought that when you were in a relationship with someone,

They would just know.

They would know what to do.

They would know from day one.

They would just know.

They would know what I like.

They would know what I dislike.

They would know how.

They would just know.

I can't even say anything else to them,

Because it was just,

They would just know.

But they don't know.

And the reason I thought this was because that the more I disconnected from my body,

The more I connected to other people's bodies.

So I saw and felt their need before they even knew that they had it and was able to provide that for them.

I felt their emotional turmoil before they did,

Or before they realized it,

And was able to do something about it to ease it up.

So my entire perception of love,

Of a relationship was,

I know what you need.

I give everything.

Everything.

And then more.

And just a little more.

And then just sprinkle it on with a little bit extra.

And then you give it all.

And then you give to me.

And I don't have to say anything.

But honestly,

And this is the thing that's like missing up.

So I didn't even know what I wanted.

I didn't know what I needed.

I didn't know.

But I just assumed that they knew.

Assumed that they knew.

Because I knew them.

They didn't have to tell me anything.

But from all of this work and growth and rule breaking,

I know that that's not how it is.

It's not how it's supposed to be.

That is in fact extremely unhealthy.

To give yourself that way.

And to just not exist.

And I think I spoke about this whole not existing thing in my,

In the previous episode.

But that's really what's happening when you're alienating yourself from your body.

Is that you don't exist because you no longer know who you are.

You are reacting to acting from places that are not who you really are.

But still is.

But it's more like places that,

Masks that you will have thought to be.

Archetypes that you have thought to be.

And learned to be,

Sorry.

That you have been taught how to be.

And this is something I want to go into way deeper in another episode.

When we are going to speak a little bit more about healing.

And actually the next step,

I guess you can say,

To repair the connection between your body and yourself.

One of them at least.

Because we need,

We need people in this world that walks around knowing who they are.

We need people in this world to,

To know what makes them happy.

We need people that's walking around in the world and knowing who they are.

We need you.

We need you.

And well,

You need you.

You need to know who you are.

You need to know what makes you happy.

And I can only say through my experience and,

And learning this,

Discovering this.

And realizing how much more there can be to the same life.

It's really quite astonishing.

And let me put a little bit of energy,

Thought into this.

Because when you're living your life as this empty shell,

As this person that you may not be.

Then you just,

You don't see the same things that you would do when you have another mindset.

Okay.

Like there,

There's been numerous studies if for eyewitnesses,

For instance,

That they see something different regarding the scene,

Depending on what their mental state was.

There's also been,

Been studies,

You know,

Of like,

If people are walking down the street and one is hungry and one got a pee,

Like the one that's hungry,

Sees all the places you can buy food or all the people that's eating.

Whereas the person that is in need of a bathroom,

Notices all the places where you can go to the bathroom or notices the places where you could like sneak a pee.

The places where you could like sneak a pee,

You know?

So literally your mental state,

Your emotional state is affecting the things that you see and experience in your life.

So you can live the same life with different experiences.

And that's why I am so keen on saying and always like hammering it down that your experience matters.

Your experience always matters.

But you can always ask yourself,

Is this the truth?

And a coach once told me,

Or like in the group setting,

That when we speak about the truth,

Then it should be something that's a universal fact.

Meaning that it always is the same for everyone.

Otherwise it is not a truth and it is not a fact.

So that kind of changed for me the entire concept of relating to my body,

Of listening to my body,

Of conversations and the triggers and the experiences of other people.

Because all of a sudden it was no longer about being right or wrong.

Because there was no right or wrong.

We were both right.

He was right.

I am right.

We both have our own unique experience in the same situation.

And neither is right nor wrong.

And if you can take that mindset into your parenting,

Into your kids,

Into how we work with kids and adapt to their experience,

That's how from the base level that we are helping them,

The future of humanity,

To be less alienated from their bodies than what we would thought.

Because their experience matters just as much as yours.

And this has nothing to do with respect.

Nothing to do with being disobedient.

Topics for other times as well,

Because I could river about that for hours.

So just sum it up real quick here before I jump off today.

Is to connect with your body.

What do you need?

Sorry,

What do you need?

What do you need?

Sorry,

What do you feel?

What do you need?

And everything that pops up is the truth,

Your truth,

Your experience.

But it is not a universal fact.

It's not a universal truth.

So your experience of something is never the truth of everything.

It's not the ultimate truth.

It's your truth.

Stand by your truth and your experience always.

But also know that the experience of other people is just as valid,

Holds just as much truth and just as much power as yours does.

And that counts for your kids,

For your dogs,

Your animals,

Your family,

Your elderly,

Your co-workers,

Your partner,

Anyone.

Their experience is their truth.

It matters just as much as your experience and your truth.

And learning that skill,

Holding that skill,

That ability into conversations and further on into parenting,

Will help heal humanity.

And it's going to blow your conversation skills,

Your listening skills,

Through the roof.

Because you're suddenly going to be aware of what's going on,

Really going on,

Behind the scenes,

Behind the curtains.

Not just being triggered by the words,

Being triggered by the need to be right,

Being triggered by this righteousness,

Never having to fear of being perfect,

Being wrong.

Something I could be thoughtful about as well.

So thank you for listening to this episode and I will see you in the next one.