An Empowering Perspective On The Narcissist Empath Dynamic

This is another talk on the relationship dynamic that can develop between a narcissistically inclined person (centred on themselves and their needs at the expense of others) and an empathic or codependent person (focused on the needs of other people at the expense of themselves). In this talk I discuss how you can empower yourself if you find that you are in this relating dynamic. Instead of seeing yourself as a victim, see your partner as your teacher. And of course, if the relationship becomes abusive, I recommend that you get out of it.

Transcript

Life is really simple.

It is basically all about love.

It's giving love,

Sharing love,

Receiving love,

Being love.

That's it.

But unfortunately so many things get in the way of love,

Of being love,

Of embodying love,

Of sharing love,

Of giving love.

The human mind is so complicated and it's so easy to get lost in negative thinking.

It's so easy to get lost in comparing ourselves with others,

In jealousy,

Envy.

It's so easy to get lost in spirals of unworthiness,

In spirals of I'm not good enough,

I'm not X enough,

I'm not Y enough,

I'm not thin enough,

I'm not beautiful enough,

I'm not young enough.

The mind is constantly constantly playing tricks on us like this and if we,

If our mind is playing these kind of tricks and we believe in these tricks it's so easy to project our negativity on to other people around us.

So onto our loved ones,

Onto our parents,

Our children,

Our partners,

Our friends.

And as soon as that happens,

Once you start projecting your negativity onto other people,

Like your jealousy,

Maybe your envy,

Maybe your feelings on unworthiness,

Maybe your feelings of unlovable-ness.

As soon as you start projecting that outwards it literally comes back to you because those people are then going to be negatively affected by this.

If they feel that you're jealous of them they're going to start constricting,

They're gonna start restricting their love and their energy.

If they feel that you're comparing yourself to them they're also going to start feeling uncomfortable around you and that will create basically this negative loop between you,

A negative cycle between you and that can easily spiral,

Spiral and that relationship can start going bad.

And you might not even realize that it was your own negative projections onto that person that actually caused this.

So even though I think it's so simple,

Life is really all about love,

Sharing love,

Being love,

Opening to love,

Giving love,

Receiving love.

Because of the complexity of the human mind and the stories that we tell ourselves and our inability to step out of this mind and step out of these negative thought loops,

It's so easy to create pain and to create drama and to create awful horrible stuff in ourselves and in our relationships with other people.

So I especially I've just I noticed there is just so much content these days on YouTube around the subject of narcissism.

So so many creators making content about this and almost I'd say 90% of these creators are really demonizing these really bad narcissistic people and creating this really strong dynamic of an us against them.

So the bad people,

The narcissist,

The enemy,

They're them and the good people,

The us.

And basically it's a war and these creators are then mostly speaking to the victims of the narcissist which are identified as the empaths,

The scapegoats,

The whatever you want to call them,

The codependents,

Whatever you like to call them.

But most of these channels are speaking to this party who sees themselves as a victim and they're demonizing the narcissist and they are giving us strategies of how to go no contact,

How to avoid this bad person,

How to get out of their space,

How to get them out of your life,

How to move forward and become free from this of narcissism.

And while I really understand this I really do understand because many people have been really badly hurt by their partners or by their parents or by anybody they're in relationship with who is very selfish,

Who is not very evolved as a person,

Who's not very emotionally mature.

Many people have been really deeply hurt by these people.

But is the answer to alienate those enemy people,

To isolate them,

To go no contact,

To never talk to them again?

I am not sure.

I think that may be a little bit too black and white,

A little bit too reductive and a little bit too much of this war dynamic.

Because as soon as you make somebody into your enemy that means you are a victim.

And there is a kind of an us against them dynamic going on and that is not an empowered place to live from.

And any really true spiritual teacher will not support this war dynamic,

Will not encourage you demonizing or turning anybody into your enemy.

Even if this person is treating you badly,

Even if that person is very selfish,

Any really true spiritual teacher like for example Chitnat Han,

The Vietnamese spiritual teacher and monk who died recently,

For example Eckhart Tolle,

I don't think any of these people will encourage you demonizing that enemy or turning that person in your life,

That difficult person into your enemy because of the war dynamic that's been created.

So it does not mean that you need to accept whatever this,

However this person behaves towards you and that they should behave in whatever way they want.

Sorry I'm just going to move this up a little bit.

It does not mean that,

But it does mean that you instead see this person,

So this is very much the Buddhist perspective that I learned on my very first Vipassana retreat that I went to when I was 29,

Which is now 20 years ago,

More than 20 years ago.

So a Buddhist perspective of somebody who is very selfish and is being intentionally or unintentionally really harmful towards you in their behavior is to understand that they are afflicted by wrong thinking,

That their mind is not working very well,

That they are creating enemies in their own mind and that they are struggling with their own mental well-being.

So a Buddhist perspective looks at these people in this way,

So it's compassionate towards them,

Compassionate towards whatever they are struggling with,

Sees them as a person with afflictions,

So maybe mentally ill even,

Maybe not that far,

Maybe just a troubled person,

And gives compassion to that person.

And of course if that person is really actively hurting you with their behaviors,

Then the Buddhist perspective also would be that of course you protect yourself from them in the appropriate way.

You don't just stay in relationship with them,

In close relationship with them if they're constantly hurting you,

No.

But you understand that this behavior is coming from a mental affliction,

It's coming from somebody who's not well.

So that means that you can take away this perspective towards that person as that they are a bad person,

An evil person,

A narcissist,

Or whatever.

So that keeps you in a place of empowerment because that makes you,

Keeps you in a place where you're not a victim to anybody,

Yeah,

And nobody is your enemy.

And that is the place of a truly spiritual person.

A person on a spiritual path does not want to make anybody into their enemy,

And does not want to see themselves as a victim of anybody.

So that is what I recommend if you are struggling with difficult people in your life,

Difficult relationships,

Yeah,

People that might be easily termed narcissistic if you watch a lot of these videos on YouTube.

I invite you to look at them as your teacher,

Because every single person in this world,

Every single person we meet in our life is our teacher in some way,

Shape,

Or form.

And it might be a difficult lesson to swallow if we are in front of somebody who's treating us badly,

Who's perhaps very selfish,

Who's not empathetic,

Who cares only about themselves,

And therefore is unable to co-create a loving relationship with us.

This person is our teacher.

It's our teacher for growing strong boundaries.

It's our teacher for standing up for ourselves.

It's our teacher for being more of who we are.

And it's also our teacher for not turning that person into our enemy.

So that's also part of that teaching,

Really,

Very much so.

And it's a ninja teaching,

Because the mind,

The initial inclination of the mind,

Will be to turn that person into our enemy,

To make us into a victim,

And to start a war,

Us against them,

Goody against baddy.

Yeah,

The same war that we see played out in Hollywood movies over and over and over and over again since the beginning of time.

Yeah,

This idea of us and them,

The goodies and the baddies.

The goodies will win out,

The baddies will lose.

Yeah,

The human drama.

But I invite you to take the higher road.

Yeah,

To see that person as your teacher,

To see if you can try and not demonize them,

To see if you can try and not turn them into your enemy,

To see if you can try and not give them a particular name,

And to see if you can maintain your compassion towards them,

While also maintaining your compassion towards yourself,

And drawing clear boundaries,

And making really clear limitations on that relationship,

If that person is actively harming you.

So making sure you stop that happening.

But in the end,

This person is your teacher.

And if they,

If that lesson teaches you to be stronger in yourself,

To be clearer in your boundaries,

To not put up with shit from people,

So that you don't have to fall into these kind of really difficult negative spirals with people in the future,

Then that person has given you a good lesson.

Yeah,

Then that's,

That person is strengthening you in your,

In yourself,

That's making,

That person is helping you become a stronger and a more empowered version of you.

So somehow,

That's a good lesson for you.

So somehow,

You can flip the script of the victim mentality,

And see that that person is your teacher,

Who has given you a good lesson,

And from now on you're going to move forward in life,

And you're not going to have the same kind of problems with difficult people who are treating you badly,

Because you see it coming from a lot further away,

Let's say,

You see these people coming from a lot further away,

And you're able to change your behavior in some way,

By drawing a boundary,

By saying no,

By perhaps not getting into a relationship that,

With that person,

You're able to then free yourself from that dynamic going forward.

So somehow,

That person,

That narcissist,

That demon,

That whatever you want to call it,

That person is your teacher.

And if you receive that gift,

And you're able to then move forward in your life in a healthier,

More empowered way,

Surely that's a very powerful gift.

Yeah,

And that's,

That's amazing somehow.

So what looks like a very negative experience,

A very negative,

Difficult,

Painful experience,

In the future might look like a really powerful gift.

So it reminds me of that quote by that poet Mary,

What's her name,

Mary somebody,

Who,

Forgotten,

I might put it in,

Put it down under there,

In the description when I remember.

And that quote is that,

One day somebody gave me a box of darkness,

Gifted me a box of darkness,

And with time I realized that this was also a gift.

So yeah,

That's not the exact quote,

It's not nearly as poetic as she put it,

But basically that's the message.

So that's kind of what I'm trying to convey in this video.

I think there's a different way,

A higher way,

To look at these dynamics between people that develop,

And to look at these relationships that so many people on YouTube are talking about,

Between selfish or narcissistic people,

And empathetic or codependent people.

There's another way of looking at it,

Which does not involve creating that war dynamic,

Creating that us against them dynamic.

And I personally think this is the healthier way.

So that's what I wanted to share with you today.

I would love to hear from you in the comments.

Please let me know what you think of this idea,

And whether you have also had doubts in the back of your mind when watching some of these narcissism videos,

Which are so prolific on YouTube at the moment.

So lots of love from me in Bali,

And I will talk to you next time.

Reviews

An interesting discussion. Thanks for your perspective.