Saying No

A podcast about spirituality through storytelling. “No,” is the single most powerful word in English. Sometimes saying No to others is saying yes to yourself.

Transcript

The Jenny Show.

No.

It's one of the smallest words in the entire English vocabulary.

One syllable,

Two letters,

N-O.

Ami used to say it in threes.

No,

No,

No.

It's also a common word that's used when parenting.

No.

In schools.

No,

No,

No.

Even your household pets,

Like your cats,

Know how to say it.

No.

This word barely takes up any space on a page,

Not even a line in the Oxford dictionary.

But how does a word so little in text size be one of the most suffocating and pressing obstacles to our mere evolution,

Our mere happiness?

Heard the saying,

No is a full sentence?

It has the power to equally impact just as much as when it's used to when it's not.

So why do we as humans find it very hard to use the word no?

Why do we subconsciously choose every other path to say no to no?

When I used to come home from school,

My bestie Chingaling would often hang out at our place.

Did her parents name her Chingaling?

Well,

No.

Why did I name her that?

Because Chingy was taken and she always reminded me of a ranting rapper.

Ami would often greet her at the door when we got home from school and would say,

Ah,

Chingaling,

Tea or coffee,

No?

See,

Again,

That word,

No.

Chingaling would look at me in a panic.

Is she offering me tea and coffee and then taking it away?

That's quite rude,

Isn't it,

Chingaling?

Why dangle the carrot and take it away?

This is the interesting point here.

In my mother tongue,

No in a strange way meant isn't it or is that right?

No,

It's making its way through linguistics.

That word has some serious power,

People.

In a world where the word yes has so much precedence,

Positivity and power attached to it,

It leads us to avoid saying no a lot.

It's fascinating how in some cultures,

The translation of the word no into English sentences gives it a completely different meaning.

It's almost like all the languages in the world are aware that humans will do everything and say anything to avoid the word.

So it's important it covers different meanings.

My last job in the corporate world taught me a valuable lesson in saying the word no.

Okay,

You want me to back up.

Yes,

I worked in the corporate world and yes,

I wore a suit every single day.

This was a job that well and truly taught me of the power of no.

Why?

Because I never used it,

Never.

So much was happening for me at this job.

Clients,

Phone calls,

Emails,

Demands,

Client lunches,

Proposals,

Presentations,

Travel,

Meetings,

More meetings about having meetings,

Meetings every time someone coughed.

I thought I could handle this.

I just had to keep my head above water and remember what Dory said.

Just keep swimming,

Just keep swimming.

There was also a lot of stuff going on at home for me.

Ami had reached a low point in her health at the time.

There were phone calls with doctors every day,

Paperwork to fill out,

Hospital visits to make.

But hey,

I got this.

Just keep swimming,

Just keep swimming.

Amidst that,

I had moved house.

I was sleeping on a couch in between places.

I had no space of my own.

I couldn't unwind straight away when I got home.

Just keep swimming,

Just keep swimming.

I also was in a relationship that I was very unhappy in.

But I kept telling myself,

It'll all be okay if I.

.

.

Just keep swimming,

Just keep swimming.

I wasn't swimming.

I was drowning.

Drowning in my sea of too many S's.

Deep into my sea of resentment and unhappiness.

When it comes to our limits,

Humans tend to believe that everything is permanent and forever,

Which leads us to a feeling of invincibility.

We're not Bradley Cooper in Limitless.

So we say yes to this,

We say yes to that.

Be a yes person.

We swim in a sea of forgetfulness.

We get caught up in the wave of work or a wave of tasks to do that we actually forget to live.

For ourselves.

My boss at this job,

Let's just say he was,

How do I put it,

An asshole.

If there was an asshole foundation,

My boss would be the founder and the highest shareholder,

The mayor of the asshole society.

Oh,

You know my boss too.

Yeah,

These asshole bosses sometimes go by different names and different disguises and they work for different companies,

But really it's the same boss from the same asshole foundation.

You know what happens in the workplace when you have an asshole boss,

Yeah?

Negativity.

And it breeds like fungus.

Actually,

Fungus looks like heaven in comparison.

Morale is low,

Absenteeism is high.

If this were a chapter out of a Harry Potter novel,

It would seem like the whole workplace was surrounded by dementors.

That year,

I lost time with my family,

Time with my niece,

Time with my friends,

Time to laugh and time to do things for me.

I lost my weekends.

I kept fighting with my partner at the time.

Do you know what I gained by not being able to say no to my boss when all these demands were placed on me that I simply could not handle?

Not a promotion,

Not work satisfaction,

Not even a thank you.

What I gained was 12 kilos,

Stress,

Bad eating habits,

Poor sleeping habits,

Blaming my unhappiness on my asshole boss,

My partner and everyone else.

I recently polled my social media followers and asked the question,

Do you have difficulty saying no to things or people?

And if so,

Why?

And the response was overwhelming.

Over 70% of my followers who took this poll said they found it difficult to say no because they would feel guilty.

Let's check in with some peeps on why they say no to no.

I'm here with Michelle from the Girls Hour podcast.

Michelle,

You're a busy lady running your own show,

Working in radio and the tech world.

Do you have trouble saying no?

I have a trouble saying no.

So I think with no,

It's such a negative.

I don't really look at no as being a positive.

I think there's a form of guilt there that comes to that because in my mind,

I always think that there's always a way to do something and yes,

I can make that happen.

Yes,

I can be there on time,

You know,

On time,

Which never happens.

Yes,

I can help you out,

Whatever it is.

So I add all these yeses to my life and I wind up being overwhelmed.

Kate Bullard,

Being in fashion and styling,

You're in quite a demanding industry.

Do you feel guilty when you say no?

I feel guilty when I say no to someone because I know so many people personally,

Professionally that have helped me with yeses.

So,

You know,

I feel like it's my duty in a way to help them as much as I can because I've been helped so much.

Brittany,

Did you say no to no this weekend?

I have problems saying no directly.

So,

And I'm working on it.

I'm working on just being able to say no.

I'm usually the one,

Like I won't,

If I don't want to do it,

I may say yes initially and then I will,

You know,

Run like indirect excuses of things.

Hopefully they'll be like,

Oh,

Don't worry about it.

Or I will say yes and then be like,

Oh,

You know,

I put up a lot of excuses or I'll do it.

So being able to flat out say no and to say no for the sake of just saying no,

It's a muscle that I'm working on.

How about you Tab?

Have you had any time to yourself lately?

I was always surrounded by people who,

You know,

Counted my time and energy and money as theirs and I allowed it.

So my whole schedule would be booked with doing things for other people and no time for self.

And I could only be mad at myself at the end of the day.

You're chilling with Jenny.

So other than guilt,

What is it that really drives us to avoid saying no?

What stops us from taking care of ourselves first?

Every time we board the airplane,

The cabin crew give us a talk on safety and in that safety speech,

Every single time,

They will tell us to put oxygen masks on ourself before we tend to others.

So essentially what they're saying is,

Look after you before you start helping to look after others.

So why do we not apply that to everyday life?

And only when we're boarding a 747 or an A380.

Many holistic and medical professionals have clients and patients who come to them with the same issue.

Nora Hooper,

An advisor and intuitive from Florida has found the same thing.

Nora,

Why do we have this propensity to guilt when what we really want is to be assertive?

What I've found in my work is that there is fear.

If you say no,

You won't be loved,

You won't be liked,

You won't be appreciated.

And then there's also this other fear which comes in,

Which I think is very interesting,

Which is,

If you say no,

Then you won't have control.

You won't know how things will happen.

Maybe things will be done in a way that you don't appreciate or you don't value.

What I've really found though,

Jenny,

Is that a lot of people who can't say no are people who love to be of service,

Who love to help others.

And they get in that loop of helping and really basically forgetting about self-care,

Forgetting about taking care of all of their own needs and then allowing others to maybe take care of their own needs too.

Especially women have been raised to put others before them and to somehow make it work,

Somehow find a way to do what everybody else in their world is asking of them.

Over 85% of those who took my poll were women.

85%.

Come on,

Girls.

How many excuses are we making to say no to no?

Because when you choose not to say no to one thing,

You're saying no to something else.

That means so many of us are living in fear,

Guilt,

And resentment,

And it's just an ongoing cycle.

I was in Vegas last week with my brother,

And I had someone send me a text who I don't really know very well.

I was like,

Hey,

You know,

I'm here and I'm struggling with some stuff,

And a friend of mine is gonna drop off some clothes.

Would you mind bringing it back home on the plane?

And the initial reaction I got was,

It didn't feel right.

It didn't feel right,

But I was like,

I don't wanna say no,

Because I don't wanna help somebody out,

And I could do it,

And then,

You know,

Ugh.

So I was like,

All right,

But I was like,

Well,

I'm leaving soon.

Hopefully it'll be like,

Oh,

Don't worry about it.

It's too tight.

They're like,

Oh,

Don't worry about it.

They'll come to you,

And I was like,

Shit.

So after a few minutes,

I'm like,

Damn it,

How can I get out of this?

I was like,

Oh,

I know what I'll do.

I'm like,

Okay,

Listen,

I was like,

Well,

You know what?

My brother,

He's coming back from his conference,

And he has all this stuff,

And I have met the quota of all my checked luggage.

So I got a message,

I feel like all the checked luggage,

I'm like,

Yeah,

All of it,

So sorry,

Wish I could help you.

They're like,

Oh,

Don't worry about it.

So I get to the airport,

And I'm like,

And apparently there is no quota on checked luggage.

I did not know this.

You can check up to like six bags,

You just have to pay for it.

So I'm like shaking my head,

I'm like,

So now you're gonna lie,

And I'm like,

So now you're gonna lie,

Or I'm like,

Okay.

I'm like,

What would have been wrong if you had just said,

No,

I'm not comfortable with doing that,

It's true.

And if that's what's true for you,

And someone's not rocking with it,

Then that's on them,

Like you're honoring yourself.

I've always wanted to help people where I can,

And do the best I can to see others smile.

But in the process,

Somewhere,

I became a people pleaser,

Because I found myself over committing myself,

And struggling to say no,

When I really shouldn't have said yes.

Goodness gracious,

Like I would feel so resentful,

And be like,

Oh,

I can't believe this,

And just be like,

You know,

I can't believe this person would have the audacity to have me do this.

And the thing is,

Like,

The biggest thing is,

Most people will not reciprocate that.

So I would feel so used,

Like I can't believe,

You know,

It's some people,

Like I have a genuinely good heart,

And I will help anybody,

I will give you the shirt off my back.

But I've been,

I think,

Taken advantage of so many times,

That people will really take me for granted.

Like,

It wasn't a thing for people to say,

Like,

Hey,

Can you take me here?

Can you drop me off here?

I had a truck,

And one time I had a pickup truck.

Everybody,

Oh my God,

I'm moving this day.

You know,

I was just helping people all around,

Especially when I was really heavy into church,

And service was my main,

You know,

Servicing others,

And making sure others had what they needed was a really big thing for me.

So I would just feel like,

You know,

Over time,

Like I used to love it,

But then when I would just see people taking advantage,

I would feel so resentful,

Like,

I can't believe that,

You know,

I'm doing this,

And I'm putting a smile on my face on the outside,

But I wasn't happy.

Nora,

I'm just having a listen to these stories.

Some of the symptoms of saying no to no is exhaustion,

And this deep sense of resentment.

And the funny thing is,

We're the ones who created it in the first place,

Because we don't say no.

What I've noticed in my work,

Jenny,

Is that when I'm working with people that are exhausted,

It turns out sometimes that there's also a little bit of blame going on somehow,

That they've lost the ability to see that they have choice.

And so by losing that ability,

It creates resentment within them.

I can't,

I can't,

I can't,

I can't say no.

I like to say you're developing a skill when you learn how to say no.

You're developing a skill,

And the only way you're going to do that is by practicing it.

The Jenny Show.

She works hard to play hard.

Actually,

She just plays,

Oh look,

Simba.

It is definitely a skill to learn,

And like Brittany was saying before,

It's the muscle that needs to be worked at.

I found when I first started saying no,

It came with a bit of verbal diarrhea afterwards.

I felt I had to explain myself continuously and give reasons and why I couldn't do this and why I couldn't be there and why I couldn't help out.

It drove me nuts.

It made me anxious.

The fun part though is that you can learn.

You can learn to,

What I like to say,

Is graciously decline.

And the part that gets people a little bit jumbled up is that they think they have to say no and then explain why.

And if they say no and start explaining,

It's because of this,

It's because of that,

It's because of this.

What ends up happening is they're actually creating a little bit of a victim and martyr energy around them.

It weakens their no.

Can I put it that way?

Absolutely.

A study recently done in China analyzed the three communication styles of passive,

Assertive,

And aggressive.

And funnily enough,

Out of these three styles,

It's the assertive communication style that would imply saying no.

And that's the one that was least preferred,

Especially on the receiving end.

Well,

If you really think about it,

Most people don't like it when you say no.

Most people hear no as I'm not going to get my way.

It's almost by somehow redirecting that I'm not going to get my way into,

Let's find another way.

When you need to say no,

When you want to say no,

When you know that for yourself,

Saying no is the most important thing,

You'll have to actually become a little bit sick-skinned to the idea that initially,

People are not going to be happy with that.

And they'll see you in a certain light if you say no to their request.

So,

You know,

The thing is,

Is there anything wrong with being assertive?

I don't really think so.

But it's how you're assertive.

I think people associate the word assertive with being harsh or negative.

And I'm not sure that it needs to be looked at that way.

So if you're that person who dodges phone calls from people that you don't want to catch up with,

That person who is tired of being asked to do things they don't particularly want to do,

That person who is just plain tired,

You do realise that you've spent the last 15 minutes of your life listening to a podcast about the word no,

Right?

It takes about a second to say,

But it can change the course of your life.

Sometimes saying no to someone else means saying yes to yourself.

There's magic harder The Ginny Show The Ginny Show is a weekly podcast produced by Sam Phelps from CV Audio.

Our team includes Sebastian On Air,

Joey Middleton,

Visual Tonic and ILDK Media.

And me,

The voice-over,

Missy.

Hello!

Ginny Sarasvati is the executive producer.

For more information,

Please visit theginnyshow.

Com.

Keep in touch between shows via Facebook,

Instagram and Twitter at The Ginny Show.

Check back next Wednesday for another episode and have a magical week!

Reviews

Ridiculously simple.
Incredibly difficult.
Ugh. Must practice!

In the caregiving business. Learned some good ideas that I can help staff with. Thanx.

Awesome information… If you have any recommendation on a practice or guided meditation that goes with it… Please point me in that direction

Loved this...you got me sussed 👍🏻🤣💪🏻

Love!! Easy to listen to. Entertaining with big nuggets of truth. Thank you!

Great explanation of the challenges to saying “no”

So true I felt exhausted by putting so many others first I did not even know what my needs were. At first there was backlash and people were not happy I said no but each time I did I felt stronger.

Such a cute but effective podcast and the host Jenny mixes education with humor well.

Thank you, this was brilliant. I could resonate with so much of what you & those you interviewed shared. The humor was perfect too.

Very helpful! There should be more meditations on this app concerning this subject.

Loved it. Needed to hear it. Let's see how many no's I can find...

Different, fun, thank you

Something I am battling with is to say no

Enlightening! Thank you.

Another great podcast, No?

The muscle memory and practice approach makes a ton of sense, especially for people pleaser types

Thanks
Looking forward to the next

"NO!" There. I said it. I feel empowered. Thank you! Oh, did I say I love your podcast? :-)

Perfect timing for me as a family member offered my services to another family member without asking me first. NO was my complete sentence.