Finding Your Tribe

A fun filled and full evaluation on the different kinds of friendships in our lives.

Transcript

The Genie Show.

So,

How was my first week of being 31?

Pretty good actually.

On last week's episode,

We talked about the power of being present.

Of course,

Birthdays and other special occasions call for reflection.

One of the things I find when we hit our 30s is how we conduct friendship evaluations.

Generally speaking,

Those of us who lead privileged lives come to a stage in their 30s where we establish a career or have some idea of what we want to do.

We've been through the dating scene and are looking towards settling down.

Well,

Usually.

That's usually the linear,

Conventional sequences humanity takes when it comes to living.

I found your friendship circle to be a useful hallmark when it comes to understanding where you're at in life and what you want.

When I was in high school,

I was somewhat a nomad.

I had one best friend,

Chingaling,

Whom I make frequent references to in all of my podcasts.

We would spend our lunch breaks either helping out at the canteen,

As good year 12 leaders would do to set an example of philanthropy.

Actually,

Let's be honest,

It was really because we got free food.

You know shit gets real when every lunchtime you would hear.

Sorry for the interruption,

But could Chingaling and Ginny please make their way to the canteen for duty please?

That's Chingaling and Ginny to the canteen for duty please.

We also never would have one solid friendship group.

We would roam around from group to group and connect with different personalities there.

The only constant in friendship I had was her.

Why?

Because I felt I could be truly myself.

No judgements,

No veils,

Just me.

The chubby Sri Lankan girl who wore glasses with the lens that looked like the bottom of a wine bottle.

When I left high school and got to university,

My life was about finding myself.

As a young white eyed girl from the south eastern suburbs of Melbourne,

My week consisted of uni lectures and tutes.

And let's face it,

Most of which I didn't attend or I slipped through.

Working part time retail at a renowned sporting goods store and my weekends.

My weekends were pretty much the only schedule I stuck to.

Friday nights,

There used to be a monthly girls night on so I would finish work and head over there to my best friend Dee Dee's place.

Dee Dee was an amazing friend.

At the time I seriously could not think of anything that was wrong with our friendship.

I was welcome at her house.

Any time.

In fact the majority of my twenties was convincing on me that I wasn't in fact going clubbing.

I was just going to a party and because I would be late and wouldn't be driving home,

I'd just stay at Dee Dee's house.

Ah,

Put there.

Yes,

Yes,

Yes,

Stay at Dee Dee's.

What is her phone number again?

Dee Dee and I never actually fought.

It was a kind of relationship that was every bit intimate except for the physical side of things.

People often mistook us for a couple when we went out.

There was just this loving energy between us.

But we weren't a couple obviously.

We were each other's wing women.

The Saturday nights,

I'd finish work,

Go straight to her place,

We would order dinner,

She would do my hair and we would get ready at 10pm.

And when the clock hit midnight,

We would be looking for a park in Collingwood and lining up at the Peel nightclub.

I was in a time of self discovery,

Figuring out how to bend the rules or make up the rules or let's be honest,

Throwing out the rule book altogether.

This time in my life,

You could say I compartmentalised my friendships.

Or all relationships really.

I'd have my work friends.

When I launched into the corporate career post graduation and retail,

My work friends were those who I'd be two dimensional with.

We'd go out for drinks after work,

Hang out occasionally during work hours,

During the lunch hour.

We'd talk about news,

Current affairs and make fun of my family members on cue.

Do that voice of your mum.

What are you doing?

They were my radio school buddies.

Hey,

Shall we go to Q&A after?

See,

This was a part of the problem.

I was too fixated on showing my friends the sides I thought they wanted to see.

One of the hardest things to acknowledge as an adult is that you may have outgrown some of your friendships.

Regardless of whether these friendships were with your BFF in high school,

Your lunch buddy or your after work drink partner in crime at your first job out of university,

You would have formed a trail of memories consisting of inside jokes,

Tears,

Laughter and many an hour dissecting information about your latest love interest with that individual.

When what once seemed so effortless in picking up the phone to hang out was ease and grace,

It's now met with a feeling of hesitation.

The reality of that can be quite painful.

There are six signs that you've outgrown your friendship.

One,

You no longer have anything in common.

Those days you used to party until 3am and driving to have a cheeseburger afterwards to debrief on the night was a lovely memory,

But hard to recreate and I don't think it's just the junk food that you miss.

It's just that now catching up with them doesn't quite feel the same.

Number two,

You don't enjoy seeing them.

It's awkward.

You've changed,

They haven't or they have and you haven't.

One of you is stagnant,

The other is moving.

Chances are on one end there is resentment and the other a reaction to that,

Which results in distance.

Number three,

When you attend their events,

It's usually out of obligation.

Indicator,

Very,

Very awkward dancing,

Small talk.

You don't stay very long.

You have someplace else to be or you have an early start tomorrow.

Number four,

They have nothing positive to say.

All the great masters on earth teach one thing,

Gratitude is a greatest spiritual practice.

When a friend constantly complains about their life and expects you to share the same opinion or relies on you for validation,

Chances are the friendship has run its course.

It's not to say that what your friend is going through is not a legitimate problem or anything,

But in spite of all the advice and help and many,

Many,

Many others have offered,

Your friend doesn't seem to have learned from that experience.

You may have devoted hours and hours of your time on the phone,

Lent them money,

Devoted your energy and support,

However,

Nothing changes in their behavior.

If nothing changes from their end and it's changing in yours,

It's time to move along along by Felicia.

You know how it goes.

Some friends grow together,

Some grow apart.

Number five,

Good news is only good news when it's their good news.

So you've achieved a career milestone or have met the love of your life or have finally crossed something else off your bucket list.

Your friend doesn't even pretend to be happy for you,

Not even an inquisitive effort.

Of course,

We all need to be mindful to intend not to deliver news in a boastful way.

However,

Every healthy relationship should be built on a safe space where you can be free to share parts of yourself without feeling the need to hide anything.

Healthy friendships encourage and enable authenticity both ways.

Number six,

You formed a ride or die squad or in other words,

Your base.

These are your Charlottes,

Samantha's and Miranda's,

Your Otis to your Milo,

The kind of friends who turn into family,

Your tribe.

It doesn't feel like an effort to catch up with them.

In fact,

The only thing that's so frustrating is the fact that you don't have enough time to see them.

They listen to you and what's going on in your life.

They lend you money without questions asked.

They're your next of kin if your family are away.

You may not speak to them every day,

But when you do speak,

It was like you spoke yesterday.

There are no bales.

You are simply your authentic selves.

When you form this ride or die squad,

The feeling of nostalgia can lead you to wish your old friends were the same.

But we can't control people,

Nor can we make their choices for them.

Everyone is responsible for their choices,

Actions and intentions.

Their choice is not our choice.

What we must choose for ourselves is who are the people that bring out the best in us?

Who are the people that we truly connect with and they have no conditions on our friendship?

The more we grow into ourselves,

The more we can be authentic.

I no longer have to be a nomad and roam around my friendship circles.

I have a circle and each person in that circle gets the most authentic version of me.

And when I'm not being authentic,

They call me out on it.

Seriously,

I'm thankful.

Being someone else can be so very exhausting,

As is keeping parts of yourself hidden away.

At the end of the day,

I've realised,

Sometimes we can't be lifelong friends with everyone.

I mean,

Can you imagine being friends and maintaining friendships with every single person you've come across in your life?

I don't think that's possible.

But each friend,

At whatever time they come into your life,

Has served you in your growth and in shaping who you are.

Sometimes friendships are there to serve you at that particular time in your life.

Those people are there to pull you through those circumstances,

Make you laugh to distract you,

Provide a runaway home when things are getting too tough with your parents.

It's quite a beautiful thing,

Actually.

After all in life,

When we cross paths with others,

We're all just really walking each other home.

Some friends walk with us to a certain point in our journey.

Some walk with us the entire way.

Reviews

Short, consise but very validating piece on friendships - thank you for this.

This is brilliant! This explains how I wasn't rejected, I'd moved on and they hadn't. I'd felt bad about this friendship break down but now it makes sense and I have new interests so I'll find new friends that will join me on this part of my journey. Thank you so much.

This is great, just what I needed to hear right now. Some things are not obvious until they are pointed out, clearly I have outgrown old friends, now I feel ready to move on and be myself

👌😀Great advice and perspective

Just described what i have been going through with one of my siblings. Thank you, glad to hear its not just me.

This is me. I needed this. It was an eye opening moment for me to accept situations, I loved it.

Love your podcasts! Thank you. 😘

Excellent talk on the tribes that walk with us through life. I've had so many in my life and always wondered why I lost touch with that person or th other. It's good to know that tribes serve their purpose and often fade out of our lives and that is OK. Thank you. Namaste. 😊🙏🏾✨

Thank you! What a beautifully concise and applicable lesson in friendship! It has enriched my walk.

Hells ya! Beautiful Aussie accent and a true message. Doesn't get much better than that.

Hard truth! Thanks!

Beautiful and arrived in my life at a very important moment.... Thanks for this.

Really great! Thank you

Great insight shared🦋🙏🏻💕

Loved this! Everyone can relate! Thank u!

Very good thoughts about friendships. Thank you!

Good information. Thank you.