Post Partner Argument Meditation

Fights and arguments are a normal part of any relationship and can be healthy. Sometimes though they feel like there is no coming back. But there is and I'm here to help you find your way. It starts with just one breath.

Transcript

Welcome to this meditation for dealing with all the negative emotions that can come with having a fight with a loved one This is very much designed to get you back on track But also reconnecting with that loved one and getting over this and hopefully doing better the next time around We've all been there a seemingly unimportant event turns into raised voices and bad choices Slam doors name-calling and the dreaded silent treatment fights are literally the worst We feel frustrated and angry and unable to connect with those that are closest to us And if you're anything like me,

I stubborn then this is gonna be a tough meditation to deal with However,

I can tell you it has helped me personally and draws from research in relationship therapy So let's get started We'll start by getting the body relaxed and again if anything like me That means you're gonna have to put down the jar of Nutella right now.

So do that for me Choose a comfortable position whatever that means to you Close your eyes and start by taking stock What sort of state are you in right now?

Have you calmed down?

Are you mad?

Are you sad?

Are you hot?

Are you not feeling much?

There's no marks for being anything in particular,

I just want you to take a snapshot of your state of being How do you feel?

Emotionally and Physically,

I just want you to name what those sensations are This is the first step in dissociating from a lot of the negative emotions that can come with having a fight So take a moment and just notice how you're feeling emotionally and physically and just name those two things Now,

Let's start with the easy part We're gonna change your body and then your mind So to begin with we're gonna breathe in through the nose and out through the nose nice In a moment,

We're gonna breathe together So start by following me breathing all your air out Then begin to breathe in with me for one two three four pause out for one two three four and pause Breathing in again for one two three four pause Breathing out for one two three four Two more times on your own keeping that rhythm great stuff Hopefully feeling a little bit better.

But if not,

Don't worry.

We're not done just yet I want you to keep this breathing in this rhythm for the rest of this meditation Now it may change as we address certain things So be aware of that and do your best just to keep the breath at this rhythm keeping it smooth keeping it even Now I want you to think about the fight you just had But here's the catch Not in the way that we like to dissect the argument and think about how wrong the other person went and what you should have Said to them how you could have really stuck it to them No,

I want you to think about the fight you've had and I want you to focus on you I want you to focus on your behavior your words your feelings This first part is all you focused You're gonna be asking why how and what?

You're gonna be basically this relationship detective.

So as you re-imagine the fight you just had Think about the parts of the argument where your behavior wasn't something you'd be proud of or even something that is not a normal reflection of you Not easy to do.

I know But try Now I want you to ask why did you act up character?

Why did you get angry?

Why did you get triggered?

Why do you feel the argument escalated again?

Not putting blame on anyone else.

Just asking why?

What was said or done that made you react the way you did Take your time Maybe it was a phrase or an action And maybe that comes to mind straight away.

Well,

Maybe you need more time as You settle on what this thing was.

I want you to just breathe and keep that in mind Maybe it was as simple as your girlfriend telling you that you're lazy Now that you have your why I want you to think about how How did that incident make you feel?

When this thing was said or done What was the main emotion that came out in the previous example of mine?

I said my girlfriend may have called me lazy and that's why I felt it escalated But how it made me feel was attacked sad unappreciated Again,

Take your time.

But here's the challenge.

I don't want you to use anger as a descriptor Tough I know anger is such a go-to emotion But most of the time it's a bodyguard for other emotions that are a lot more vulnerable So,

Can you dig a little bit deeper?

You might well be angry,

But there's probably something behind that too To think about how it made you feel Okay,

We have our why we have our how next What would you like your partner to have done different in that situation?

How could they have de-escalated the situation?

What would you have loved them to do differently?

What kind of things would diffuse that situation for you?

Again,

This is you focused.

You're trying to work out.

What are the actions and behaviors and words that can make things better for you?

This is going to help you describe later to your partner how things can go differently and what kind of things could be said Lastly and importantly,

I want you to think back to those ways you acted that you didn't think were representative of you or Things that you weren't particularly proud of Now this is very important.

I want you to forgive yourself You can say it out loud or you can say it in your own head,

But just mean it All right,

Well done Hopefully you're feeling better already,

But we're still not done Now I want you to do it all over again But this time I want you to keep in mind the other person in the argument Start by thinking about how you usually interact with that person Think about the qualities in them that have resulted in the two of you having a relationship Think about the times you've had The laughs you've shared the experiences you've had together the memories you've made Remember this person is important in your life.

That's why you chose them.

That's why you have them in your life Keep that vivid image of them in your mind Now think about how they acted during the argument Think about ways in which they acted that were totally contrary to the ways they normally act with you Think about ways it wasn't representative of what they are normally like Why do you think they acted in this way?

Why did they act?

Contrary to normal Can you think of something that you may have said or done that set them off?

Now this is not about blame it's simply about recognizing what behaviors may negatively affect our partners loved ones or friends Really search for those moments.

You felt like things really escalated for the other person What did they really react to?

What seemed to get their blood boiling?

All right.

Now I want you to think about how that person may have felt When you did that action or said that thing Think back to how they looked.

Were they in distress?

Were they sad?

Were they angry?

Remembering that anger is often a bodyguard for these other emotions What do you think you may have hit in them that made them react in such a way?

How is it they may have been feeling So now you know potentially what started this You also know potentially how they may have been feeling Now I want you to ask yourself what could you have done that would have de-escalated the situation Knowing what you know about that person.

What actions could you have taken?

What things could you have said?

What things could you have not have said?

That would have helped defuse things Don't forget you're that relationship detective right now trying to find the best answer to things to avoid this happening again and again,

Most importantly Thinking back to the ways they acted different to how they normally do Can you forgive them for what they said and did to you?

Bring back that image of that person the one you love The one you chose to have in your life the way they normally are not in this fight with the way they normally are Imagine them vividly and tell them you forgive them Out loud or in your head Just mean it Excellent stuff Now we're going to breathe together three times Just as you did before in for four,

Pause,

Out for four But this time I want you to think as you breathe in forgiveness And as you breathe out Thinking letting go Excellent stuff three deep breaths together in one two three four,

Pause,

Letting that forgiveness stick Exhaling out,

One,

Two,

Three,

Four,

Letting go of that anger In that forgiveness for one two three four,

Pause Feeling that forgiveness Breathing out,

One,

Two,

Three,

Four,

Letting go of that pain Breathing in,

One,

Two three four,

Full of forgiveness now Breathing out,

One,

Two,

Three,

Four,

Letting go of all that pain suffering and anger Well done You may want to write down some of the insights that you have about yourself or your partner Or if you're really brave,

You may want to go find that person and patch things up with this insight Don't forget there's a reason you cared enough to be in a relationship with this person There's a reason you cared enough to do this meditation Now go patch things up Namaste

Reviews

Really needed that thank you! There's so much going on with the person I deeply love and I think things like this help me get through each moment.

Please also add a #relationships tag to the mediation so that it appears in that topic page thank you :)

I found this very helpful to look at situations from both sides, good technique to remember. Thank you.
I wish my partner would listen to this too - these tools for life should be taught in class for sure!

Very helpful. This is going to be a track I turn to whenever there is a conflict with my partner.