MJ36 - 38 Blessings - Sorrowlessness (37 Of 39)

This is the thirty-seventh session of the Buddhist path of practice leading from the mundane to the transcendental based on the 38 Blessings of the Mangala Sutta. This thirty-sixth blessing concerns how distinguishing clearly between possessive and non-possessive love can save us from sorrow further down the line.

Transcript

Last time you saw me we looked at blessing number 35 on a mind invulnerable to life's ups and downs. With the dharma talk today we'll continue on our journey through the 38 blessings to the second blessing in the final subsection, That is number 36 on sorrowlessness. If you cast your mic back to the 13th blessing on cherishing one's spouse, You will remember that we heard about the importance of distinguishing between sensual and non-sensual love. Unhelpfully the word love in English can be quite ambiguous, Especially when in many religions it is important to distinguish between beneficial and destructive forms of love. In Christianity, For example, They go as far as to categorize love into four different types. In his 1960 book called The Four Loves, The British writer and theologian C. S. Lewis described on one hand a destructive love called eros, Romantic love or need love, And on the other hand three types of beneficial love, Which he called gift love, Comprising agape, Unconditional love, Philia, The friendship bond, And storge or familiar love. Buddhism also makes a distinction between destructive and beneficial love. It would always advocate the sort of love that sets you free rather than the eros or sensual love, Which means that there is nothing wrong with unconditional love, Friendship or familiar love. Similarly in Buddhism, Destructive and non-destructive love is defined by whether it leads to attachment, In Buddhism, Non-sensual love, In other words love without attachment, Which doesn't require something in return, Is usually equated with compassion or guruna, One of Buddhism's key virtues alongside wisdom and purity. Such love extends unconditionally with the expansion of the mind. Compassion is very different from grasping or love motivated by the ego. It breaks down the barriers between you and the rest of the world. For Arahants, Such love comes naturally. However, For those who are still unenlightened, The love we experience, Although called by the same name, Is usually possessive by nature. Possessive love is subject to the three universal characteristics and only reinforces our egoism. Worse still, However, Possessive love has a painful withdrawal symptom called sorrow, Which is the opposite of everything exemplified in this blessing. Because an Arahant has no further possessive love, They experience freedom from sorrow. The quality of sorrowlessness is closely linked with virtues seen in the last few blessings. In Blessing 33, We talked about two types of suffering, The inevitable and the miscellaneous or largely avoidable. In Blessing 35, We already have been introduced to the unavoidable ups and downs of the world, Where we can smooth out their effect on the mind by attaining Arahantship, By recognizing the desirable and undesirable things of the world as subject to the three universal characteristics. Similarly, This blessing deals with making oneself invulnerable to mitigable suffering. But even though we personally still fall short of Arahantship, I hope what I'm talking about today will provide some guidance about how to reduce potential sorrow in our lives, As we move successively closer to eradicating it completely. So we have already seen from Blessing 35 that sorrow or sokha is included as one of the categories of mitigable suffering. It is characterized as a suffering state of mind that is torn by dryness, Where the mind feels dry and cracked like the soil during a drought. It's like a dried out leaf that has lost all its vitality and freshness. Sorrow arises when someone finds themselves in contact with an inescapable and undesirable situation, Or where they experience loss of something desirable that they were relying upon for their happiness. Their life-changing circumstances leave them feeling burned out and helpless. One of the possible opposites of sorrow is being sorrowless or in Pali a sokha, Which indicates that the mind is no longer vulnerable to sorrow. And that is the title of this blessing. So what causes sorrow? The problem of the untrained mind is it tends to pick up indiscriminately on all the negative aspects of perceptions coming to us through the senses. The mind refuses to stay still but is constantly searching around for new perceptual stimulation. Whatever sort of thing it finds, It will not stay with that thing for very long, But will move on, Searching for something new. If you listen to some pleasant music, After only a few minutes you will get fed up and start looking around for something tasty to eat instead. Before you've eaten much, You think to yourself that you would rather lie down and take a sleep. Before you've been asleep for very long, You would rather go outside and take a walk. There's never any lasting satisfaction. There's only one type of sensation where the mind never gets bored, Which is when it falls in love with something or someone. Such possessive love causes the mind to be fixated firmly with no further wandering. If it's a couple, Then they become a nation of two, Shutting out the rest of the world. Once the mind gets obsessed by possessive love, It can no longer break free. In such a state of mind, Any day you don't get a glimpse of your heartthrob, You lose your appetite. But you'll recover it immediately, If only you can just hear their voice over the phone or get a glimpse of their face. If they love you back, Then you can keep a lid on the suffering. What if your love is unrequited? Or what if they start out by loving you and later change their mind? Or love someone else? Or die? It's at this point that the mind will become so dry, It will feel like it'll tear in two. Overcome by sorrow, You'd rather plug your ears and hear a love song. You'd rather stay home than go see the latest rom-com. Where you used to be so fascinated by a variety of new things, After having been kept away from your obsession, Now you've lost your appetite for any stimulation. Sorrow is therefore like a withdrawal symptom from possessive love. According to the words of the Buddha in the Uraga Jataka, Pi ye to, Ja ye te, So ko, Which translates as sorrow is caused by the things that are dear to us. So if anyone wants to live sorrowfully in the world, They should avoid getting fixated on people and things. Only in this way will their life be bearable. Possessive love isn't just limited to romantic interests, It can refer to any clinginess or attachment. Whether it be your house, Your car or your job, Anything to do with such attachments will come back to haunt you in spite of yourself. This is why an increasing number of the new generation just skip romantic drama in their lives altogether, In order to focus on their career or on their spiritual development. If you don't believe me, Look at Emma John's latest book, Self-Contained Seams for a Single Life. It's not easy though, And for many, The prospect of being left on the shelf is unbearable, Along with their parents' wishes for grandchildren. When the Buddha spoke on the subject of attachments in New Dhyana, He said the more your attachment, The more will be your sorrow. He said if you love a hundred attachments, You will have a hundred measures of suffering. If you have ninety attachments, You will have ninety measures of suffering. If you have eighty attachments, You will have eighty measures of suffering. If you have seventy attachments, You will have seventy measures of suffering. If you have sixty attachments, You will have sixty measures of suffering. If you have fifty attachments, You will have fifty measures of suffering. If you have forty attachments, You will have forty measures of suffering. If you have thirty attachments, You will have thirty measures of suffering. If you have twenty attachments, You will have twenty measures of suffering. If you have ten attachments, You will have ten measures of suffering. If you have five attachments, You will have five measures of suffering. If you have four, Three, Two, Or one attachment, You will have four, Three, Two, Or one measures of suffering. If you attach to nothing and no one, Then you will have no suffering about anything. Such a person will mitigate suffering and avoid later regrets about life. In fact, The existence of suffering, Despair, And sorrow in the world is only brought about because of the attachment that we have for physical things. When there's no further physical thing that we attach to, Be it our body, Other people's bodies, Pets, Property, Or wealth, There'll be no further suffering, Despair, Or sorrow for us. Whoever can put aside their attachment for such physical things will attain happiness in this world. Those who wish to obey sorrow in this world will be better to avoid attachments to the physical things of this world altogether. In conclusion, The less your possessive love, The less your sorrow. If you have no possessive love, Then you'll have no sorrow. The more you possess of love, The more your tears. The end of possessive love will be the end of tears. So on the subject of the pain of sorrow and the possibilities to go beyond it, We have time for a quick story about a lady called Bhattachara, Who was the daughter of a rich man from Savatthi. She was very beautiful and her parents hid her away from potential suitors. One day, In spite of her parents' efforts, She fell in love with a serving man and eloped with him to a village far away from Savatthi. In due course, She became pregnant. As her time for giving birth drew near, On several occasions she asked her husband's permission to return to her hometown to give birth, In accordance with the tradition of the time. However, Her husband, Fearing reprisal, Discouraged her from going. Nonetheless, One day when her husband was away, Bhattachara secretly set out for her hometown alone. Her husband managed to catch up with her on the way and pleaded in vain for her to return. Unfortunately, She went into labor right there and gave birth to a son in the forest. Carrying the newborn, She returned to the village with her husband. Not long afterward, She became pregnant again and made the same request of her husband with the same result as before. As her time for accouchement drew close, She again went behind her husband's back and set out alone for her hometown, Taking her son with her. Her husband pursued her and caught up with her on the way, But just then it started to rain heavily and she went into labor again. Her husband went to look for a sheltered place for her to give birth, But while he was clearing a little patch of land, He was bitten by a poisonous snake and died on the spot. Meanwhile, While Bhattachara was waiting for his return, She gave birth to another son. Later, She searched for her husband and found him dead. Full of sorrow and blaming herself for the misfortune, She decided to take her chances with her parents. The river stood between her and Sabatee, Because it had rained incessantly all night. The river was so swollen, It was not possible for her to cross the river carrying both children at once. She decided to leave the older boy on the nearer riverbank while crossing the river with her youngest, Intending to make a second crossing with the older boy. While she was midstream on the way back, A hawk hovered over the baby, Thinking it was regular prey. She yelled to try to scare away the hawk, But it carried the baby away regardless. While the elder boy heard his mother shouting from the middle of the river and thought she was calling him over, So he waded into the river after her and drowned in the strong current. So in a single day, Bhattachara lost both her sons as well as her husband. She was bereft. Later, She met a man from Sabatee and hopefully asked after her parents. The man replied that due to the rainstorm in Sabatee, The previous night, Her parents' house had collapsed and crushed both of them together with her only brother. The whole family had already been cremated. Upon hearing this tragic news, Bhattachara became completely unhinged. She no longer cared about her appearance and wandered the streets half-naked, Shrieking woe is me. Meanwhile, The Buddha was preaching at the Jetavana monastery and seeing Bhattachara from a distance, Willed her to join the congregation. The crowd, Seeing her approach, Tried to prevent the crazy woman from upsetting the sermon. However, The Buddha told them to make way for her. When Bhattachara was close enough to hear the Buddha's voice, He told her to focus her mind and be calm. Only then did she recover her self-awareness. Realizing that she was inadequately depressed, She quickly knelt down before the Buddha. Someone gave her a piece of cloth to cover herself. Only then did she tell the Buddha the full story about how, In a single day, She had lost her children, Husband, Parents, And brother. The Buddha said to her, Bhattachara, Do not fret. You have now arrived at a place of refuge. Just as you have shed tears for the loss of your sons, Husband, Mother, Father, And brother, So too have you shed an amount of tears greater than the waters of the four great oceans over the course of countless lifetimes. The Buddha continued by teaching, Bhattachara, The waters of the four great oceans are miniscule compared to the amount of tears shed by any one person on account of the sorrows arising from those they have lost. My daughter, Do not despair. Be mindful. On hearing the Buddha's discourse from the perspective of many lives, Bhattachara's sorrow receded. The Buddha, Knowing that Bhattachara had been able to control her sorrow, Elaborated, Saying, Bhattachara, When one falls victim to death, Neither one's sons, Nor parents, Nor close relations can protect one. One's kith and kin have no power to give protection. Knowing this lack of protection against death, The wise person restrained by morality should hasten to practice the noble path that leads to nirvana. On hearing this discourse, Bhattachara realized the uncertainty and futility of existence and attained Shrim entry. Bhattachara decided on the spot to become a Buddhist nun. Later, After her ordination, She was cleaning her feet with water from a bowl. As she poured the water for the first time, It flowed only a short distance before soaking away. When she poured the water for the second time, It went a little further before soaking away. What she poured for the third time went the furthest before disappearing. As she looked at the successive flow and disappearance of the water she had poured out, She realized, Even so do mortals die, Either in childhood, In middle age or old age. The Buddha recognizing remotely through his supernormal powers that Bhattachara had reached this insight, Sent forth his radiance and exhorted her, Bhattachara, You are now on the right path and you have the true perception of the aggregates of life. The life of one who does not perceive the impermanence, Unsatisfactoriness and insubstantiality of the component things is worthless, Even if they were to live a hundred years. Soon after Bhattachara attained arahantship and was later praised by the Buddha as the foremost amongst the nuns for knowing the Vinaya. So to come back to our subject matter of dealing with sorrow today, I should mention that it is a subject that I more usually reserve for eulogies and funeral homilies. Even without mentioning funerals though, Like in episode 10, We did flag up the special care needed when speaking to people in the throes of depression. For depression of course, No specific cause is not visible. Whereas, At least for sorrow, We are often aware of the specific thing that we are missing or grieving. Losing something we have previously been attached to can be one of the most difficult experiences any person faces in their life. Coping with sorrow may seem like a difficult task, And overcoming that sorrow may seem impossible. Confronted by sorrow, An important factor is the expectation of healing. Instead of focusing on how to overcome sorrow, Better approach is considering how to incorporate the awareness of sorrow into your life story and do the counterintuitive thing of treating sorrow like a gift that has the potential to open our eyes to the important aspects of life and using the intense pain to bring us back to our core values. There are six practical ways of doing this, Namely to be glad for what we have had rather than be sad about losing it, Acknowledging our feelings, Understanding sorrows unpredictability, Reaching out to others, Dealing with loss, Getting support and accepting our new reality. The first way to cope when dealing head on with sorrow is, Rather than crying because our time with whatever we had is over, Smile instead because it happened. When we consider what we have learned from a loved one we have lost, It sometimes only becomes apparent much later in life just how much knowledge and personal good habits we have absorbed from our relationship with that loved one. No simple practical skills, But emotional strength and attitudes, The base of your fortitude and possibly the important foundations of your personality. Although this only underlines our sense of loss, Especially when we have lost someone or something unexpectedly or unannounced, If we can continue to perpetuate that goodness it keeps the life the example bequeathed to us by them. The second way to cope when dealing head on with sorrow is to acknowledge our feelings. Sorrow can be such a painful experience that sometimes people actively deny their feelings at least in public in the hope of sparing themselves discomfort. When it comes to sorrow, Denial and avoidance does not work because pain just waits for you to face up to it later down the road. Emotions relating to sorrow can vary widely and your feelings may be mercurial, So do your best to realise that this is normal. Acknowledge your feelings, Not only to yourself but to others you trust, Whether it be sadness, Guilt, Anger or remorse. It's also not uncommon for feelings of relief to emerge, Particularly if your parting signalled the end of a period of suffering. Understanding and expressing the emotions is considered a healthy way to navigate the sorrow process. If your loss is part of a conversation, Others are likely to share their feelings too, Which could help facilitate their healing as well as your own. Third way to cope when dealing head on with sorrow is to try to recognise that sorrow is unpredictable. Sometimes it can leave you with the unnerving and terrifying feeling of being completely out of control. The unpredictability of processing sorrow is totally normal. You may find tears coming to you at unexpected times. Strong feelings can suddenly pop up seemingly from nowhere and hijack you just when you thought you were getting over it. Ironically, The more you try to avoid feelings or maintain control, The more difficult it will be to recover from the sorrow. Remember there is no time frame by which you should be over it or to have snapped down to the sorrow. That sorrow is individual and unique to the person experiencing it. Fourth way to cope when dealing head on with sorrow is to reach out to others dealing with loss. Rather than being around those who don't generally understand your feelings, Who can offer you nothing more than the words sorry for your loss, It might be more helpful to find safety numbers with people who have similar first hand experience as you. Just being able to sit with others who are going through the same emotions of sorrow and loss, Or conversing with them, Offers a sense of normalcy that otherwise is hard to come by. The feeling of connection with others who are grieving can offer hope and solace. A fifth way to cope when dealing head on with sorrow is to seek out support, Whether it be from friends, Family, Sorrow support groups, Counsellors or online support options. These resources commonly offer sorrow support to people of all ages. The most important step is to have the courage to reach out and ask, Because unfortunately those able to help you are probably not mind readers. You need to let others know that you're struggling by reaching out to someone you trust. The sixth and final way to cope when dealing head on with sorrow is to try to accept your new reality. Acceptance is said to be one of the final stages of grieving, So when sorrow is still new to you, It may feel impossible that you could ever make it to a place where what you're feeling can become normal. As you navigate this new reality that includes loss and sorrow, You may eventually develop a sense of meaning around your loss, Or a recognition that this sorrow experience has changed you in a profound but nonetheless positive way. If you can accept your new reality, Sorrow can manifest in different ways that feel more like a blessing than you could have imagined. In the meantime, Be patient with yourself, Your emotions and your healing process. Remember that your healing is part of the gift of sorrow, And it honours whatever or whoever you have lost. It's not a betrayal to move past the loss, But a natural healthy part of the process. The good news at this point in the blessings is that for those who have already attained Nirvana, In other words those who have already attained the Dhammakaya Arahant, Their mind will be insulated from sorrow. For those who have attained the Dhammakaya Gotapul, For as long as they can maintain their mindfulness, They will not experience sorrow. However, For those with such a attainment, It's hard to keep the mind immersed in Nirvana 24 hours a day. There will be times when their mindfulness is distracted and sorrow will be able to slip through. It's only the Arahant who is completely sheltered from sorrow. For the non-returner, Once-returner or stream-enterer, Their protection will not be continuous. Sorrowlessness lasts only for as long as full mindfulness can be maintained. Strictly speaking, On the subject of sorrowlessness, There's not much left to say in this blessing. It arises as a result of coming to an end of defilements. However, For those of you who are not yet Arahants, There is still much to be learned from sorrowlessness, Because if we are savvy, We can reduce our exposure to sorrow, Or the things for which we already have attachments. And we can prevent entangling ourselves with potential sorrow, Or things which we have not yet formed attachments to. Even without transcendental attainments at your disposal, There is still a game plan to help diminish liability to sorrow. As we saw in the previous blessing, We cannot escape the ups and downs of life. But since sorrow is one of our responses to these things, It is something we can have some control over. So rather than pinning all our hopes on happiness from romance, Four broad headings coming from Buddhist sources help us discover the true meaning of love. Namely, By distinguishing between true and possessive love, Engaging in self-care, Loving ourselves truly, By doing the maximum of good deeds, And practicing mindfulness of death. The first way is to distinguish between possessive love and true love, And cultivating true love at the expense of possessive love. This doesn't mean lacking appreciation for likeable things or people, But we shouldn't let that liking become flingy or needy. The surest way to know that love has started to become flingy is that it pulls the focus of our mind further and further away from the centre of the body. Second way to minimise exposure to sorrow is to engage in self-care. This is not an invitation to egoism, But instead of spending our whole time obsessing about other people, We may realise that we are also due for some TLC. One part of the Buddhist scripture called the Samyutta Nikaya gives the account of Queen Mallika, Who was the favourite of King Sannati of Kosala. Especially for the wisdom she always offered readily. One day the king asked Queen Mallika the loaded question, Who do you love the most in the world? Of course he wanted the queen to answer that she loved the king best. After a great deal of deliberation, The queen answered truthfully, I've been thinking about your question, And you observe that all the animals in the world have survival instincts and I think I'm no different. So the Buddhist equivalent of securing your own oxygen mask before assisting others would be four opportunities for self-care. I should point out that you don't need to wait for your plane to go into figurative freefall before you start to take them seriously. The first area for self-care is to notice your own needs. It might mean getting adequate sleep, Attending to your physical health, Or connecting with friends. All things that you will find helpful to keep your awareness on track during times of sorrow. It may mean saying no to extra responsibilities or obligations for a while. Since sorrow can be exhausting, You need to protect your energy until you start to feel better. This shouldn't be considered selfish, Self-absorbed, Or greedy, But self-compassion that honors your own health and wellness as you recover from a major loss. Secondary to self-care is taking extra care about the things that you eat or drink. An important part of self-care is to keep eating, But not too much, Not too little, Avoiding alcohol, And keeping it healthy rather than indulging in comfort food. Sometimes depression, Anxiety, And physical symptoms of sorrow can result in worsened diet and decreased ability to eat normally. Despite the physical and emotional demands, It becomes especially crucial to consume a healthy diet. Remember that making drastic dietary changes during a period of sorrow might not be the best idea, So it's probably best to keep your usual eating patterns while incorporating healthy eating. A third area of self-care is making more effort to take exercise. Exercise and sorrow are a good combination because of the natural boost that exercise offers to your body and mind. Exercise releases endorphins in the brain that create feelings of well-being. Exercise is one of the few aspects of self-care that can make a positive impact on depression, So it may be helpful to have simple exercise as part of your daily routine, Or join an exercise class where you can meet other people and focus on a common activity. Exercise will not cure sorrow, But it is a healthy method to take your mind off difficult emotions when they arise. A fourth area of self-care is to have more patience with yourself, Especially as you experience the full range of emotions that come with the sorrow. You may have times in which you wonder whether you will ever feel fine again. Sit with those moments and trust yourself to heal, Which is sure to happen given time. But be gentle with yourself and listen to what your mind, Body and spirit are asking for. Often we hold ourselves to a different standard than we do for other people. And it's sometimes useful to ask yourself how you would treat a friend who is in sorrow and give yourself the same kind of love, Kindness, Compassion and patience that you would offer to that friend. A third way to minimize your exposure to sorrow is to love yourself truly through the goodness you do, Which goes beyond mere self-care and could be referred to as truly loving yourself. This might be expressed through cultivating right effort, Succumbing to unwholesome habits which you've never done before, Overcoming any unwholesome habits you already possess, Developing good habits that you never had before and maintaining the good habits you already have. If you are a person who already meditates a lot, Then you'll be a lot less likely to get bogged down in clinginess and detachment. If you are not yet established in the five precepts, Then you should keep them strictly in order to protect yourself from antisocial behaviours coming from your neediness. Moreover, If you can keep the eight precepts, You will be able to start to throw off the roots of the ties that bind you to clinginess and detachment. And some might say that the Life Among or Long Eight Precept Retreats help us to find internal sources for our happiness instead of fixating on external ones. The final way to minimise your exposure to sorrow is to recollect death and cultivate mindfulness of the deterioration of the body. Without being unnecessarily morbid, Getting used to the idea of physical death and deterioration will gradually reduce the tendency for the mind to crave sensual stimulation. If you practice the recollection of death habitually, It will help you in your practice of meditation because it will stop your mind straying from the body. It will allow you to escape from the trap of the senses. If you were to ask the Buddhist logic behind organising funerals, Rather than getting together to express sorrow, It is an opportunity for the participants to recollect the implications of death for themselves. Instead of being sorry for the deceased, It is a reminder that we will soon be falling close on their heels and we need to make peace with our lives before our time comes. With the help of these four practices, Even though you are not yet in our hand, Your mind will be better centred within the body and less easily taken hostage by things that eventually lead to sorrow. So to finish off with today, Let's remind ourselves that sorrow can happen even to the great and good who have attained the stages of Buddhist sainthood. Lady Visakha, Who was the most prominent female supporter of the Buddha, Had been a stream mentor of Sotapanna since the age of seven. As a stream mentor, She had attained the Dhammakaya and had seen the four noble truths in the physical body. She had not yet seen them in the angelic body or any of the more subtle ones. Her attainment, As with all stream mentors, Was to have uprooted three of the fetters, Namely false view of individuality or Sakkaya-diti, Doubt or Vichigicha, And belief in rites and rituals or Silabhata-paramasa. Nonetheless, There are another seven forms of subtle defilements, Including sense desire or gammaraka, Still remaining in her mind that had not been uprooted. Since Visakha was a married woman with ten sons and ten daughters, Eventually she ended up with a lot of grandchildren, All of whom were very dear to her. One day, Her favorite granddaughter called Sudatta died. Even as a stream mentor, She forgot herself and went crying to the Buddha. The Buddha asked, Visakha, You once wished your children and grandchildren to fill the whole of Savatthi, Didn't you? Visakha confirmed what the Buddha had said was true. And the Buddha continued by asking, Do you know how many people each day die in the city of Savatthi? With a good general knowledge of her town, Visakha replied, Some days as many as ten people die, But at least one person dies each day in Savatthi. The Buddha continued, With so much death each day in Savatthi, Isn't it better to save your tears, Otherwise you'll be crying every day. In this world, Whatever grief or sorrow or sadness there may be, Exists because we hold on to something too tightly. The only people who are truly happy, The only people who are free from grief, Are those who do not try to hold anything too tightly. If you wish to be free from grief and free from passion, You must hold nothing dear that is on this earth. With the help of the Buddha's reminder, Visakha realized that the more attachment you have for your loved ones, The more tears you will have to shed if you happen to outlive them. So this session I have introduced to you, Blessing 36 on a mind free from sorrow. So for my next session, We'll move on to the penultimate blessing, Number 37 on freedom from subtle defilements. Hopefully as a result of today's session, You'll feel a little more insulated from the effects of sorrow in your life. But for today, This is me Pranicless Anishro signing off for now. So long folks and stay safe.