Mindfully Handling Your Kids Meltdowns

Certified Mindfulness + Meditation Expert and author of Award-Winning book Meditation for Kids, walks parents through the 3 Step Process To Mindfully Move Through Their Kids Meltdowns. She shares why it's important to start a meditation practice with kids when they turn 4 and how to get started.

Transcript

Why do we keep giving up?

Well,

Hello there.

Welcome back.

I'm so glad that you're here and then trust me,

If this title call to you,

You are either one of those moms who've asked me this question,

You've been thinking about asking me this question or you're like,

Hmm,

I'm actually curious about this.

So you'll fall into this one category.

And today we're pressing the reset button on meltdowns and tantrums.

What do we do?

I've had been asked this question.

I've talked about this probably the most after I wrote the Meditation for Kids book,

The whole idea of I've been doing the meditations,

I've been breathing with them,

I've been sitting with them and reading them and they've been loving it and having fun.

But then when big feelings visit,

They lose it.

And it is so hard to get them to calm down.

Are they too young?

Is this not working?

Is your book a bunch of malarkey?

Very good question.

But no,

This is not your point to give up,

Put the white flag up.

This is the podcast that you need to listen to.

I've answered this question so many times and I was thinking,

Should I just write an Instagram post about this?

I'm like,

No,

This needs to live on forever.

So I'm going to do a podcast on it.

So you could come back to this.

Here is the thing.

It's this moment when you're like,

Is this not working?

What am I doing wrong?

It's not the technique that's wrong.

It's the expectation and the lack of understanding of what the purpose of meditation for kids is.

So that's what I'm going to do for you.

I'm going to break it down so you have no questions.

You're going to walk away from this podcast.

I got it.

Okay,

I got it.

My expectations are tame.

I know what to expect.

And yes,

Meltdowns and tantrums are going to happen.

Guys,

It happens to us too.

We have adult tantrums and meltdowns too.

So for kids,

This is a natural form of development.

This is their mind not knowing how to handle the capacity of what's happening.

It's overstimulation of their amygdala and their prefrontal cortex is not fully developed.

I talk a lot about this.

I'm not going to go science geeky on you.

However,

I am going to break it down to you.

I've done so many podcasts over the last five months for the book launch and I talk consistently about this.

So I'm not sure if you heard any of those interviews,

But I talk very consistently about what is the purpose of kids' meditation.

I am,

Whether you may not or not,

I'm a dentist daughter.

My dad loved his profession.

Every night on the dinner table,

He would talk about it.

He was so passionate about it.

And so I learned through analogies,

But a lot of my analogies are,

Interestingly enough,

About like dentists and teeth.

It's really weird,

But that's where it comes from.

And so I'm going to break it down with an analogy because I think it's easier to learn that way.

So there's two purposes of meditation.

Okay,

So you have the meditation for kids book.

The first is planting the seeds and that subconscious patterning that you meditate every single day.

The second is brushing your brain.

So let's move it to the analogy of brushing your teeth.

Okay,

So as a parent,

Would you tell your kids,

You know what,

New rule starting from tomorrow.

If you eat chocolate,

Have candy or eat something sweet,

Those are the days that you have to brush your teeth.

Any other day,

If you don't have any of those things,

You don't have to brush your teeth.

Said no parent ever.

No,

You would never say that in your right mind.

Your kids teeth are going to rot and they're going to stink.

The reason being is is that it's an act of physical hygiene,

Daily self care that you brush your teeth every single day.

No ifs,

Ands,

Or buts.

It doesn't matter if you eat chocolate or you don't eat chocolate,

You brush your teeth.

That's the same thing with meditation.

Taking those few minutes every single day to carve out,

We're going to sit and we're going to meditate.

We're going to use the book and we're going to do an exercise and we're going to brush our brain because just like we brush our teeth to keep yucky sugar buggies away,

Just like we wash our body to keep yucky germs away,

We have to brush our brain by meditating and taking deep breaths every single day.

Not once a week,

Not once a month,

Not only when,

Big feelings visit.

Every single day when you're in a calm state of mind to keep yucky thoughts and feelings away.

We have to do that daily scrub,

That self care,

That cleansing process and our children will be so much better off for it.

They won't have piles of negative thoughts and beliefs and patterning that just grows like this massive tumor and this weight that we've been carrying.

Then we become in our 20s and we need therapy and yoga,

Like binging and so much to kind of just get back to status quo.

This is going to be skills that are going to grow with them.

When they're young,

Let's plant the seeds in their subconscious because between the ages of newborn and eight,

They are sponges and they're picking everything up and they're open and they're really curious and they're going to not give us the backtalk and you know,

Be like,

That's so weird.

They're going to be silly.

They're going to be open to this.

So let's make it playful,

Engaging,

Age appropriate and plant these seeds.

So that's what we're doing every single day,

Right?

And you're doing this in a calm state of mind.

Now let's not have the expectation.

I don't care if your child is the smartest and most emotionally intelligent five year old,

They're going to have meltdowns.

They're going to have big moments just like we do.

That is a natural part of life.

We feel like it's inconvenient because they come at inconvenient times.

They're big and we want to try to fix their problem.

We are not here to fix or join their meltdown.

We are not responsible for our kids' happiness.

Our job is to give them and hold space to ride through the emotions.

So no,

A lot of times it's not going to work that let's take deep breaths.

It's going to trigger them even more because when they're in a dysregulated or red brain state,

When their mind is completely disconnected from their logic brain,

They are in full amygdala fight,

Fight or freeze.

No matter words,

No matter how calm,

No matter patient,

No matter how soothing or slow you say it,

If they're dysregulated,

They're dysregulated and there's something whether they're tired or hungry or hot or cold,

There's something that's off that needs to be adjusted and attuned to before there can be any conversation about behavioral things.

So I look at it like this.

You look at temper tantrums and meltdowns like cavities,

Right?

So yes,

Tantrums happen more often than cavities do.

However,

It's the same idea.

Cavities are these once in a blue moon or once in a while things that happen that are deeply uncomfortable,

Right?

And no dentist would tell you just brush your teeth and the cavity will go away.

It's too late,

Right?

You have to get a dentist who is skilled at treating cavities to help you ride through it.

And so in those moments when your child is having a meltdown,

It is not enough to be like,

Remember angry washing machine breath?

Remember sipping strawberry smoothies?

You can't go in with that first.

Like let's take deep breaths first.

No,

They're actually going to want to like punch you in the face though.

I hope they don't do that.

They're going to like look at you like that's not what I need at this moment.

I need you to help me feel better and like ride me through this.

And at that moment,

Breathing is not going to do it.

And so think about it.

Even for me,

When I have tough moments,

My first inkling is like,

Oh,

I'm going to sit and meditate.

Well,

Yeah.

Okay.

When you're in that moment,

Your child's having a meltdown,

You can't be like,

Just hold on one moment.

I'm just going to go sit and meditate because I'm feeling a little triggered right now.

That's what I'm going to do.

No,

That's not what you do.

Meditation is that formal seated practice you do in the morning or the evening that roots you,

Right?

That builds that consistency and that discipline and that routine.

But in the heat of the moment,

You need a completely different skill set,

Right?

And so certainly,

There's a different set of tools,

Even for myself as in a grownup,

I've noticed.

And so you need to be the dentist when your child is having a cavity,

These meltdowns,

Right?

You need to have a skilled set of tools that are going to help them ride through the pain effortlessly and find relief,

Right?

And sometimes the pain is really big,

So it's going to take longer.

So don't have any expectations of how long that should be.

I very openly say it,

We don't do timeouts in our home.

And that's not a judgment if you do it.

I truly believe like time-ins are more effective because you're actually teaching children that it's safe.

Like let me help you ride through your feelings rather than you need to sit with your feelings and think about what you did that's wrong.

They're not thinking about what they did is wrong when they're in their red brain moment.

They're just not.

They're thinking about how do I get out of here and my mommy's so mean and that's not what I need.

So now let's get into the three steps to mindfully handle meltdowns.

This is the meat and potatoes,

What you've been waiting for.

What I like to call this,

These are the stop,

Drop and breathe resets.

You consistently are practicing these different exercises from the meditation for kids book like anger washing machine,

Anger mashed potatoes,

Sipping strawberry smoothie,

Yummy yucky,

Steer your ship,

All these different exercises that they have been practicing when they're in a calm,

Receptive,

Engaged,

Playful state.

Now it's they're in a heightened red brain state,

Right?

Their fight or flight has now been activated so they're not in the right state of mind.

And for many of them,

It's not available to them to return back into those moments where we've taught them how to calmly navigate and ride through their emotions.

So let's be patient here.

I've shared this before,

But the prefrontal cortex that's responsible for emotional regulation is fully developed in children between the ages of 24 and 26.

These wires have not queued in yet.

And so I think the first entry point is the understanding of the different brain states of our children,

Right?

Learning how to parent brain to brain.

So I like to look at it like a traffic light.

There's the red light brain,

The yellow light brain and the green light brain.

The red light brain is the stop.

It is you're in fear mindset.

They're in a fight,

Flight or freeze.

They're shut down,

They're hitting,

Biting,

Screaming,

Crying.

There's a big overt act to release the intensity of their emotion.

This is really the time that when we talk and try to reason with them,

It's actually going to trigger them more if we try to tell them to take a deep breath.

This is the times that we try to say it because we're at our wits end and we're either inconvenienced or we're getting triggered and we're getting either in our red brain state or we're in our yellow brain state.

So we're like,

Take a deep breath,

You need to calm down and it's counterproductive.

So this is not the time to invite them to take deep breaths because it's not available to them.

There's a different set of responses that is needed from you.

But I want to go through first what the different brain states look like.

That's red light brain,

Yellow light brain.

This is when they're trying to,

They're holding it together,

But they're on the verge of losing it.

So they will be more needy,

More clingy,

More argumentative.

Anytime you say no,

They're quick to negotiate,

Get whiny,

Get disappointed and you can see and you can feel,

You know those moments when you feel the onset of a power struggle coming on.

They might be overly hyper,

Uncooperative,

Distracted,

Demanding,

Loud.

This is yellow brain.

So they're on the verge of being dysregulated.

Maybe one of their needs are not met.

Like they're getting overly hungry.

They're getting to the point where things are overstimulating.

It's too loud.

It's too out of their comfort zone.

So they're in that space.

Alright.

And in a moment of a breakdown or a meltdown or a tantrum,

They go from red light and then there's this phase when the crying sort of starts to subside.

They're not back to normal.

However,

They've settled down a little bit.

You can talk to them and they can respond back to you.

They can actually kind of hear you.

Yes,

They might get triggered by some of the words that you say,

But you have to kind of get a feel for it.

But they're more responsive at that time.

So they're able to listen to you.

And then there's green light brain.

This is the go,

Right?

This is the brain state when your child is open,

Calm,

Receptive,

Engaged.

They're able to think and play and reason.

And they're the most loving and most embodied part of themselves.

This is the mindset and the brain state that they learn in.

They do not learn in yellow brain.

They do not learn in red brain.

So when we try to discipline or try to have a teachable moment in red or yellow brain,

Very soon after the intensive motion has come out,

It's not available to them.

It's not going to hit home.

It's going to actually feel more like a lecture.

It's going to be like,

Wah wah wah wah wah,

Like Charlie Brown.

It is not going to be effective.

So now in the red brain state,

Our responsibility is to comfort and calm them.

They need to feel safe.

And so this is all about the tone of our voice,

Getting low,

Our body language,

Making eye contact,

And for the life of us trying to keep in control,

Right?

So what I like to find is that you're not trying to fix the problem of your child,

To ride them through the meltdown quicker,

To hijack it,

And just to make it go away.

A lot of times I will let Ayan scream and cry and let him get the intensity of the energy out because what I found to be true is because emotions are energy in motion.

And when you hijack it by ending a breakdown or a scream fest or a crying fest,

Of course,

Make sure that they're safe,

Is that something else will trigger them,

Something even really remotely small,

And they'll completely lose it again.

So it's actually better to get that energy out.

That's what our intention is for the red brain state.

For the yellow brain,

This is all about setting limits in a creative way,

Right?

Pausing,

Breathing,

Not saying no,

Immediately saying no is going to create a power struggle.

So learning how to be aware,

Like I see that you're feeling upset.

There's a technique called the good waiter technique from the book Now Say This.

I actually interviewed the author,

Julie Wright and Heather Turgan in episode 20.

I really recommend it.

They have a three-step process as well as to how to communicate when your child's having tough feelings and also gives you scripts on what to say.

I really love that episode,

But I really love the book as well.

So this is all about trying to maintain and help your child get regulated.

In the green brain state,

Our responsibility at the time is to teach.

They are receptive.

They're able to think.

They're ready to learn and grow.

And this is where we can role model.

We can explain.

We can guide.

We can appreciate.

We can talk and be like,

Hey,

You remember when this happened?

Then we can have the teachable moment then.

All right,

So let's break down the three steps to mindfully handle the meltdown.

This is your dentist toolbox.

This is how you skillfully navigate the cavities so that there's no more pain and we can find relief.

I break this down into three key moments.

The first is the connection moment.

This must,

Must,

Must be there.

The number one problem that I see is that everyone who struggles with this will go and jump in when there's tough emotions.

You're like,

Calm down.

Let's do anger washing machine.

Let's take a deep breath and they're in a red brain state and they're dysregulated and that's not what they need.

It's not available to them to calm their nervous system down because the emotion has taken over.

So when they're in a red brain state,

Our responsibility is to comfort and calm.

And the number one incentive is to make them feel safe.

And it's about acknowledging their feelings.

And they do it this in one of two ways that giving them space.

But like I see that you're having a really big feeling when you're ready to have mommy help you.

I'll be in the kitchen and you can come get me.

This is when some kids just don't like to be touched.

They're having like an intense emotion.

Make sure that they're safe and walking away.

Like it took me a while to recognize this,

But for so long I was trying to fix and stop the meltdown.

And I think there's a,

There's a real problem in trying to hijack the emotion when we're trying to stop it before the life,

Life cycle of the emotion has ridden through.

So what I say by that is that,

You know,

Emotions are energy and motion.

And so there's intensity of anger and sadness.

If we don't let that emotion fully be released in that physical,

Loud,

Auditory way,

What ends up happening is that maybe we'll contain it this time.

But if the emotion is still there,

When something else happens,

No matter how small,

They will get triggered.

And it's like an overreaction to something really tiny because the emotion has not fully released from their body.

I think that it's some children need the space and I think that's completely okay.

You acknowledge like,

I see that you're having a big feeling.

I see that,

You know,

You're visiting Anchor Island or I see that one of your buttons are not working properly.

Then they need to be,

We need to be refooled.

I will be in the kitchen and you can come find me and I'd be happy to help you.

And then you walk away,

Let it ride out and you'll be able to hear,

You know,

It's not pleasant to hear your child scream and cry.

I mean,

It's really,

Really hard for me because loud sounds drive me insane.

However,

It's so important to do that.

And then the other is some children want to be touched.

And so the three breath hug,

Rather than guiding your child to take deep breaths,

What you do is the heart to heart hug from the meditation for kids book.

And I learned this actually through my own experience when I was going through my labor with rehab.

I was having these intense labor contractions and they were so fierce.

I didn't really have a chance to catch my breath because they came on so quickly.

And my midwife was saying like,

Okay,

Slow your breath down,

Calm down.

And I just couldn't do it.

And what she did was she just grabbed my hand and then was like rubbing my back slowly up and down.

And she was slowly breathing.

She wasn't telling me to breathe.

And even though my eyes were closed,

I could feel her calmness.

And that regulated my breath.

Feel that touch of her,

That energy came into me and I felt it in a start regulating me.

So in those moments when they are in red light brain,

In the connection moment,

It is all about you will breathe and if they want the touch,

You will rub their back back and forth.

And you want to just in a very non-judgmental way,

Express and acknowledge their feelings.

And I think the best way to do that is like,

I see that you're visiting anger Island or frustration Island or,

Oh my goodness,

I see that your heart engine is overheated.

What can we do to help you?

And you know,

At that moment they might not be ready for help,

But the key thing is that they feel safe.

This is all about your body language,

Soothing your child with the tone of your voice,

Getting low,

Making eye contact,

Maybe giving them space.

You know,

Offering that gentle touch and that a heart to heart hug,

Less talking is better.

It's more holding space for them to ride through the emotion.

And even saying you're safe,

Like you're safe to feel sad,

You're safe to feel angry.

You're okay.

And a lot of times with young children,

It's meeting the unmet need,

Right?

Like sleep hunger,

Maybe the routine is out of order.

So maybe that's what is required,

But I think connection moment is absolutely necessary.

There's actually also a technique called the good waiter technique from the book.

Now say this,

I actually interviewed the authors,

Julie Wright and Heather Turgan and episode 20.

I highly,

Highly,

Highly recommend you listening to that episode because they talk about their three step process,

Which is very similar to this as to navigating typical emotions and how to communicate with your children when tough emotions happen.

But also they give scripts.

That's what I love about the book about giving you ideas of what to actually say so that in the heat of the moment,

You're not just like caught off guard of like,

What do I say?

And so I definitely recommend that book.

Now say this.

All right,

So that's the first connection moment.

And sometimes that takes long,

Sometimes it's like quick,

They ride through it.

So there's no like formula of like,

Okay,

This is only going to take five minutes.

It depends on the intensity or like,

You know,

Each moment,

Each meltdown,

Each tantrum is different.

And depending on their age and development too.

So connection moment is a must.

Then it's the mindful moment.

So at a point they will start riding out of the red brain and you'll notice they'll start getting into the yellow brain.

They're not completely back to normal,

But they're in a capacity to be able to pause.

Right?

So they're able to listen to your words.

You're able to redirect them.

They're listening to your words.

You're able to pause and breathe.

This is the time where you will be able to be like,

Why don't we try anger washing machine?

Why don't we try anger mashed potatoes or sipping strawberry smoothies from the meditation for kids book?

This is when they will be available to do that.

And sometimes they'll do the exercise and sometimes they may not,

But this is where you're just like allowing them to have that mindful moment,

That compassion to be like,

Okay,

What would help you feel calm now?

So if you have a calm down corner like we do,

There's all those different tools like from the generation mindful,

You know,

There's,

They could draw or they could read a book or they could sit with the stuffy.

Like they could do anything.

That's their mindful moment,

Whatever it will take for them to feel calm.

Like Ayan used to love drawing on his Buddha board recently.

It's reading books.

So you know,

Whatever that may be,

Whether it is one of the exercises from the meditation for kids book or anything that's going to help them feel calm,

Whether it's like hugging their stuffed animal or maybe it's just like cuddling with you.

So that's when that mindful moment happens and that full release of the emotions happen.

The biggest mistake that I see that we make is that when we see that glimpse of them calming down a little bit,

We think that they're back to normal and they are not.

They're back to normal when they're in a green brain state,

That playful,

Reasoning,

Loving,

Energetic,

Open,

Calm,

Receptive.

That's generally not right after the meltdown.

There is a period where that peak happens and then there's like this downfall.

It's kind of like when you have this blackout moment of rage and then there's like the hangover,

The yellow brain is like that hangover.

So do not try to have teachable moments and start talking about,

Did you see what you did wrong and make new rules and set boundaries and consequences in those moments.

They don't need you to do that.

They need to learn how do I reset my nervous system,

My body so that it can feel okay,

Calm and peaceful again.

That's what the pause is for in that yellow brain state.

And so the third aspect is the teachable moment.

That is when they're in the green brain state.

So again,

There's no exact formula,

But what I tend to do,

What I really find that works and I teach my clients is having the teachable moment when there is enough of a distance from the actual event to when you talk.

So sure for maybe older kids,

You can wait 20 minutes or 30 minutes and they're back to a normal state.

I find that teachable moments are great at nighttime because you're having an intimate moment.

You recall it as like a story,

Right?

You're not judgmental or pointing fingers and you're not still heated.

You're not in like a yellow or red brain state because those brain states also apply to us and we can then have a mindful conversation.

And what I love in the book that I was able to offer you for meditation for kids is that we have conversation points like let's begin again or let's start again or retrace your day where we can invite that conversation.

Climbing Mistake Mountain,

These are all opportunities to talk about we made a mistake and that's okay.

So let's role play and figure out what we're going to do better next time and tomorrow's a new day.

And you know,

If you need to limit set and set boundaries and rules,

This is the time to do it because you're not going to lay down the hammer so hard and then be like,

Oh,

I regret that.

I was way too harsh on them.

So even for us,

I think so that we don't have the guilt that we were overly harsh and giving a punishment instead of a logical and natural consequence to their behavior,

I think it's really important to wait till they're in a green brain state.

And I think that intimate moment before bedtime and recalling it,

Hey,

You remember what happened today?

And the book will give you really,

Really easy segues to make that possible so it's not awkward for you and for your kids.

And sometimes you can have the teachable moment,

You know,

Maybe it's not going to be at nighttime.

Maybe it is,

Like I said,

30 minutes afterwards or whatnot,

And you can have that conversation,

But really just make sure they are in that state and not a yellow brain state because it's going to be counterproductive.

You'll feel like you're constantly saying the same thing over and over again because it didn't click because it wasn't said in a way at a time that they're able to absorb it.

Thank you.

Reviews

So helpful thank you!! 😍🙏

This was just what I needed to hear this morning. I’m recently divorced and my 14 year old son is having a difficult time adjusting. Even though this is geared towards younger children, it really helped me understand how to gage talking with him when he is overwhelmed.