Healing Addiction: De-Conditioning The Hungry Ghosts

This talk examines the suffering that arises when due to unmet needs for love and safety, our desire becomes narrowed and fixated on substitute gratifications. We then explore how we can bring mindfulness and self-compassion to the habits of obsessing, over-consuming and hurting ourselves and others that keep us from true happiness, connectedness and peace.

Transcript

The following talk is given by Tara Brock,

Meditation teacher,

Psychologist and author.

Namaste and welcome.

Growing up my mom was actively drinking until I was about sixteen and then got very involved with recovery with AA,

Became very active and she was executive director of the National Council of Alcoholism for many years in the region that we lived in.

And so I grew up with a lot of involvement and stories with the world of addiction and of course also all the AA jokes in the world came across our dinner table.

And one of them was that a man goes into a bar,

He orders a drink,

The drink is served,

He pushes it aside,

He orders another drink,

Bartender gives it to him and he drinks it and the bartender says,

What gives?

And he goes,

Oh,

Well I go to AA meetings.

And they regularly say it is the first drink that leads to trouble.

I have got thousands of those.

But anyway,

The point being that I know I am not alone,

That most everyone I know struggles with their own version of addiction and has somebody nearby if not themselves who is really,

Really struggling.

And so we know,

We know how addiction catches our life and confines our life and creates a tremendous amount of pain.

And the habits,

The harmful habits that are really the most difficult,

We feel like they are out of control and we feel like we should be able to control them.

So there is not only a sense that it is out of control,

It is like,

It shouldn't be like that,

I should be able to control it.

And yet,

You know,

Whether it is anger or overeating or obsession or perfectionism or whatever our version is,

We hear about the Buddhist middle way,

You know,

Not being extreme in any direction,

And it is not easy when it is us struggling with our particular really difficult habit.

I remember when I first saw this cartoon of a dog sleeping and it was having a dream and the caption was,

Zen dog dreaming of a medium-sized bone.

Not in the human realm.

So in Buddhist cosmology – and I have always found this really interesting – one of these psychic domains that is described is the domain of the hungry ghosts.

And the way they are depicted is these scrawny little necks and this huge belly and the idea being that we have these really very powerful desires,

We are riddled with desire but never able to really satisfy ourselves.

And this is really one of the archetypal patterns of suffering that we in some way move through life with a sense that something is missing,

You know,

That it is not okay how it is right now.

It can take a kind of feeling of restlessness or it can go all the way to the extreme of craving for something that is not here.

But there is a sense that it is around the corner,

That the next moment we hope will contain what this moment does not.

So there is not a sense of real enough contentment,

It is not like we get to really arrive and be here.

So it is a matter of degree,

Our exploration tonight,

Because as you can hear what it is going to be we are going to explore addiction and the different levels of craving.

And again it can be just an uneasiness,

Something is missing,

Got to get to the next thing,

All the way to grasping on to what we want to full-blown addiction.

And one of the things that I have been seeing over and over again is that as we wake up on a spiritual path there is still there that just the most obvious ones are not,

You know,

Living color but the more subtle ones are completely activated so we might not be addicted to opiates but we might still be addicted to perfectionism or to proving ourselves or to our specialness or importance or being right or pleasing people.

But whatever it is,

Even if it sounds not so bad,

It still hooks us and stops us from really living from a deeper sense of presence and love.

So the Zen poet Ryokan says,

If you want to find the meaning,

Stop chasing after so many things.

So our reflection tonight will be on how the practices of mindful presence and self-compassion can help get at the very roots of the grasping and the addiction and bring some healing.

And even from this point on you might begin considering where you feel like this is relevant in your life.

And again it could be just addictive pattern of thinking,

A way of obsessing to a very more… a more behavioral kind of way of being in the world that really causes injury.

Could be anything.

When I was in college I started doing yoga and meditation when I was a junior.

And I remember after oh six months or so I came across this phrase that how you live today is how you live your life.

And then just… So I started… So I went,

Okay,

Today.

What's today like?

And,

You know,

I started looking more closely.

It was a round period of exams and so I had realized,

Okay,

Well,

I am just kind of hung over from a night of drinking coffee because I really wanted to ace this exam.

And I was kind of kicking myself that day for having had… with the cafeteria they now and then had these ice-cream spreads where you could just get any flavor of ice-cream with any topping and as many rounds as you wanted.

And of course I had overdone it.

So I was kicking myself for that.

Simultaneously wanting to lose weight,

Simultaneously obsessing about,

You know,

Not simultaneously but obsessing about a relationship where I wanted more intimacy and… The point is I was really getting the hungry ghost syndrome that how much of that day was tugged around by wanting something more and different.

I was also reading Be Here Now by Ram Dass.

It wasn't fitting together.

So this was me chasing after too many things like really getting a hit of that… that hungry ghost grasping.

So with habits as we begin to look at them – and we are a bundle of habits and some of them are healthy and some are not – and there is a kind of bad news,

Good news thing which is our habits of the day really do affect our experience.

So if our habit is to be judging other people or condemning our self or constantly worrying or constantly fantasizing and daydreaming that is going to affect how we experience the day and if that is the way we are doing today it is likely we are going to do tomorrow that way.

Okay?

That is the bad news.

The good news is neuroplasticity.

It is that what we are finding out more and more is that how we pay attention dramatically affects both the structure and the function of our brain and our mind and our heart,

How we live,

And that in any moment,

Like right now,

You can have a certain kind of thought going through and if you pay attention,

You witness that thought and go,

Wait a minute,

That thought just keeps kind of creating separation between me and somebody.

In that very moment you can say goodbye to the thought,

Right?

You can step out.

Now if it has a lot of energy to it it will pull you back in but you get more and more with this capacity to be aware of what is going on.

That is the power of meditation.

So meditation directly can decondition the habit of grasping the hungry ghost syndrome.

But I want to make clear that meditation does not get rid of desire.

You know,

There is probably the biggest misunderstanding that I run into about Buddhism is that we are trying to vanquish desire.

When I was in high school I had a world religion class and when we rated the religions that attracted us,

Buddhism was at the bottom of my list.

The reason?

Well,

Because I thought it was anti-desire and I always had this wholesome hedonistic teenage thing of,

Hey,

Let's have pleasure,

Which it wasn't saying not to.

So here is really the message that we wouldn't be here if it weren't for desire.

This universe wouldn't exist if it weren't for attraction,

For things coming together,

Wanting to live,

Wanting to flourish.

Desire is not a problem.

In fact,

The word desire comes from the Latin desiderare and that means away from your star.

It is the longing that comes up when we sense in some way we are separate from what we love.

We are separate from that energy and awareness and love that is really our source.

And so desire kind of draws us back to it and in a very human way the desires that we have that are wholesome and natural to survive and flourish,

Desire to be fed and nourished,

Desire to have a wholesome esteem,

Desire to bond and connect with others,

All good.

The challenge is that when our basic needs are not met and to the degree they are not met,

Our basic needs for safety,

For healthy bonding,

For a healthy sense of our value,

When they are not met,

Desire contracts,

Gets very fixated and very riveted and it gets riveted on substitutes.

You know,

We might want love but we will go for soothing ourselves with food.

Just an example.

So this is what happens.

And you can see it in… you know,

We are trying to get a reward,

Some relief,

Some something.

And you can see it in the… I thought this was really interesting how this primitive reward system is activated in fruit flies when their basic needs are denied.

And here is how it goes.

This is from the Washington Post some years back.

The male fruit flies deprived of sex may turn to alcohol as a source of pleasure from the magazine Science.

It says males in two different groups were compared and one… in one group the males were repeatedly rejected by the virgins who they met and were making advances towards.

And then both groups of males were allowed to choose between two food options,

Plain food mash and then a food laced with alcohol.

The sexually satisfied males didn't go for the alcohol.

The ones that were rejected,

They went right for it.

So what you get from that is… I am going to make this… bring this around here… is we are rigged to try to… when we have unmet needs we are rigged to try to satisfy them some other way.

We go for something else.

We go for substitutes.

It is part of the way our system is wired.

And it is this contracting of desire and fixating the cause of suffering.

Now the way I like it… the most… I think the most powerful way it is expressed is through Srinath Sargadatta who is one of the teachers no longer alive who I love.

He says,

Desire is devotion to the infinite,

The eternal heart of being.

And therefore it is not desire that is wrong but only its narrowness and smallness.

So we are going to be looking at contracted desire which turns into grasping and addiction.

And it is… it has a whole thought process that goes with it.

When we have not gotten our needs met and we are going for substitutes we live with what is called if-only mind.

If only I could have such and such that would do it then I would feel good,

Then I would feel happy.

And most of us have if-only mind operating through the day.

If there is any hungry ghost stuff going on it is because something in us thinks like maybe I thought back in college,

Well,

If only I had that extra bowl of ice-cream,

Well,

If only I lost that ten pounds,

If only this guy really was willing to be more intimate,

If only I aced the exam.

There is something in us that feels like that is going to do it and we mobilize around that.

And… And this is where the delusion is.

We anticipate that when something good happens it is going to make us happier than it actually makes us.

And when something bad happens it is going to make us unhappier.

And research has shown that lottery winners after a certain amount of months end up no happier than non-winners.

And paraplegics usually become as content as people can walk,

Okay,

And it is because we have a happiness set-point,

Most of us.

And we might have spikes up and spikes down but we kind of come back unless we meditate which actually changes your set-point.

So what we do is we have if-only on certain substitutes.

We all have some of them.

So I will just review a few and you can kind of sense for yourself because I am going to ask as we go on in the talk for you to reflect a bit on how to shift from that substitute gratification – the hungry ghost pursuit – to really turning towards your star,

Okay?

There is culturally accepted substitute gratifications.

So if we didn't feel loved or we didn't feel,

You know,

We got the approval or whatever,

We got criticized a lot,

We can get fixated on – it might be accumulating some wealth or having physical beauty or social status or competing and winning a lot – power,

Fame.

Remember years ago seeing this little cartoon that described a man talking to God and he was saying,

God,

How long is a million years for you?

And he goes,

Oh,

It is just like a second.

He goes,

Huh?

How much is a million dollars to you?

He goes,

Oh,

Just like a penny.

He said,

God,

Could I have one of your pennies?

And then God goes,

Sure,

Just a second.

He is that grasping,

You know.

Substitute gratification.

When women are depressed they eat or shop.

When men are depressed they attack another country.

And it is not always that gendered,

Excuse me,

If you take it wrong.

But the most pervasive,

One of the most pervasive unmet needs where we can see the substitute going is really the need to feel good about ourselves,

To feel like we are worthwhile.

You know,

I always think of that dog on the psychiatrist's couch that is saying,

You know,

It is always good dog this and good dog that but is it ever a great dog?

And it is true that either the substitute is because we feel like we are really falling short or we just feel like we are never enough.

Either way it is the hungry ghost because we then go about getting very hooked on overworking,

Always trying to prove ourselves and improve ourselves.

Usually one of the substitutes is rushing and trying to check things off the list.

I know this one really well.

I feel like I have developed a mastery in this one.

So I can speak to it.

But it is usually perceived as socially acceptable,

The busy person that is trying very hard to get things done and achieve.

Now some of the substitute gratifications that we have – and many of us have them also,

We just keep them quieter – are considered not condoned,

Not acceptable because you can see the harm in them.

You can just see right away that addiction to substances,

Eating too much sugar,

Drinking too much alcohol,

Smoking too much pot,

Taking opiates,

Whatever it is,

We can see the harm of it.

And then of course gambling,

Sex addiction,

Aggression,

Violence,

You know,

We can see the harm.

So that genre is still unmet needs.

It just usually they are more primitive unmet needs in some way,

More of a deep kind of wounding and it can combine with a genetic tendency and create a biological addiction.

But either way,

Whether it is the condoned kind of substitute gratifications that most of us get away with and don't think about too much,

Are the ones that are frowned upon either way,

There is unmet needs,

It is a contracted and fixated kind of desire,

And as long as we are pursuing it,

As long as we are doing the hungry ghost thing,

We can't free ourselves in a deep way.

So let's look a little bit closer at how we change habits.

Because these are all habits.

If you think of the anatomy of a habit,

Like the dynamic of it,

We get a cue,

Okay,

So there is a thought saying,

Oh,

I have got to have something sweet to eat right now.

That is the craving.

And then we do a routine to satisfy it.

We go down to the refrigerator and get,

You know,

A few scoops of Ben and Jerry's or whatever it is,

And then there is the reward,

The temporary,

You know,

Feelings of pleasure,

And that feeds the cue again so that the next time we hear that voice we do the same thing,

So it just loops and loops and loops.

That is the basic anatomy of a habit,

Okay?

You get a cue,

You do an activity,

You get a reward and it feeds the cue.

There are three primary experiences of suffering that through Buddhist psychology and Western psychology you can see that comes when you are in that looping,

In a hungry ghost looping,

Okay?

One of them is the obvious one which is the fix is very temporary and you never really get satisfaction for the real need.

It just doesn't work.

It is like drinking salt water except for in AA they say one drink makes you feel like a new person.

Then the new person has to have another drink,

You know,

It is like that.

So if you are… if only,

If your hungry ghost is going for let's say feeling good enough,

You want to really feel worthy and your way to do it is to just achieve,

You know,

Your… that sets off,

You know,

Hard work and the reward is when you achieve something you feel the burst of,

Hey,

I matter,

I am important and that is then that feeds the cue again if that is your looping.

It gets really interesting if you start asking yourself,

Well,

When would I really finally ever be enough?

What would have… how many achievements?

How many people would have to really think the world of me to ever really be enough?

And what we find out is that it can never work.

It is just like that.

We are eternally looping,

Always looping.

So that is one level of suffering is that you can never satisfy the deep need.

Second level of suffering is what we call the second arrow.

So if the first arrow is that you are caught in a looping grasping after something,

You are doing the hungry ghost syndrome,

The second arrow is that the hungry ghost does not like itself,

Self-aversion.

And that shame,

That self-aversion keeps on fueling the looping more than any other factor.

The more we hate ourselves for the way we eat or the way we judge people or the way we strive or the way we are selfish or the way we lose our temper at our children,

The more we hate ourselves for it,

Actually what that does is it creates more of an unmet need and more fuel to go ahead and try to soothe ourselves.

Does that make sense?

Okay,

The shaming and judgment is the next level of the suffering.

And it is a really deep one.

I can say personally I have never seen anyone heal an addiction without addressing shame in a very profound way,

Never seen anyone heal an addiction through hating themselves into better behavior.

Third suffering and that is that in the moments that we are in the hungry ghost looping we are not present.

So we miss out on a lot of life.

And I think when I work with… historically I have worked with myself and the grief of that and with others,

It brings up deep sadness to sense how many moments of our life are we on our way somewhere else?

Are we thinking it should be different,

I need something more,

And whether it is the more obvious I need to have,

You know,

That food to make me feel better or the more subtle,

I need to just get this done before I can relax.

How many moments are we postponing this life on our way to the finish line?

So we are not present.

When we are in that trance of something is missing we don't take in spring,

We don't really take in the smells and the colors and the feeling of new life,

We are just not here for it,

Or take in the child,

The gleam in a child's eye,

You know,

We don't take in the realness when we are with each other,

We just aren't there for it,

We are on our way.

So these are the three sufferings that we can't really satisfy the root,

The real root,

The longing,

The feeling of really being at one with our star,

That we are down on ourselves and at war with ourselves and that we are not here for the very experience that we are most longing for.

So maybe we will pause for a moment together and let's just take… I have been speaking a lot,

Let's take a moment to check in.

Locate yourself right here and I take a few full breaths.

And as you scan your life and you can begin with today because as we have been exploring how we live today is how we live our life,

You might sense,

Well,

What are my top substitute gratifications?

What are they?

Is it overwork that I am just kind of attached to getting more done,

Proving more,

Doing more,

Is it to money or is it to a certain kind of status?

Is it more of the kind of substance addiction to food or alcohol?

What is it?

For some it may be an addiction that is more thinking addiction,

An obsession.

It might be the addiction to fantasizing or worrying.

It might be the addiction to judging.

Notice the ones that you sense are part of how you live the day and choose one,

Choose one place where you can sense the hungry ghost,

The part of you that is trying to get something more,

Trying to meet a need.

One that you sense limits your life,

That gets in the way of presence,

That turns you on yourself.

And see if you can just look through the eyes of a very kind witness,

Just inquire a little bit and sense how does the looping work on this one for you?

What kind of thoughts are going on?

What is the cue?

What gets you going?

What are your if only thoughts?

Is there a physical unease going on that gets you going,

Smells,

Craving?

What is the activity that is seeking a reward?

Maybe you are obsessing,

Obsessing is trying to figure something out so you can have some more certainty.

You are judging and trying to control,

Get a sense of control maybe,

Food to soothe,

Have a hit of pleasure.

See if you can from that witnessing place just acknowledge with kindness the suffering.

Does this looping,

Does this hungry ghost pursuit ever bring satisfaction really?

What is your way of relating to yourself when you are caught in it,

When you are in some way going after food or drugs or approval or achieving or a fantasy?

Can you sense the suffering of missed moments when you weren't really living in the fullness of your heart and presence and your being,

You weren't available?

In a very simple way from this place of open-hearted witnessing just sense whatever your prayer is for yourself right now,

Whatever you wish for your own being.

This is really the first step of deconditioning the pursuit of substitute gratifications,

Of waking up out of the hungry ghost,

Just bringing a full attention to,

Okay,

So how did I live this day?

How is this looping going on today?

And to begin to recognize with our wisdom mind that the pursuit of our hungry ghost actually blocks us from the source of happiness,

Blocks us from here-ness,

From being present.

If you would like to open your eyes please do.

Some years ago at an MIT conference there was addiction researchers and scientists looking at the intricacies of the human brain and one of the participants in the conference was William Moyers,

That's Bill Moyers' son,

Who is very well known for his work in the field of addictions and his own very poignant struggle.

And he gave a talk there that,

You know,

I have seen some of the transcripts,

I wanted to just share a bit of it with you because I find it so powerful.

He said,

I have an illness with origins in the brain but I also suffer with the other component of this illness.

I was born with what I like to call a hole in my soul,

A pain that came from the sense that I wasn't good enough,

That I wasn't deserving enough,

That you weren't paying attention to me all the time,

That meant you probably didn't like me enough.

Okay,

So the conference room is completely quiet because they have been hearing from scientists all day.

He said,

For us addicts recovery is more than just taking a pill or getting a shot,

Recovery is also about the spirit,

About dealing with that hole in the soul.

So this is really right at the core of the hungry ghost,

Is the sense that at that kind of deep,

Deep level that we are disconnected from basic goodness,

From a sense of basic connectedness with others,

This hole in the soul.

And then we go off pursuing substitutes that can't possibly begin to touch it.

We find they don't work.

But here is what is important to know is that whichever way that you get snagged it is a flag of waylaid desire,

That wherever your flag… that energy,

If you can stay with the energy,

You can come back home,

You can start turning back to your star.

But you have to learn to stay with it with mindfulness and with self-compassion.

So we are going to look at how we can do that.

How can we take these flags of desire and we each have them?

I haven't run into anybody that doesn't have some version of hungry ghost on some level.

We all are chasing after things.

So how do we take,

You know,

Some of the places we are chasing that are most confining our life and say,

Okay,

This is a flag of kind of a twisted desire but at the root this longing to be with my star,

This longing to come home to the light and the awareness,

The love,

The connectedness that is here?

So how do we come back to that?

What I would like to do is a way of describing,

You know,

How we can bring mindfulness and compassion to kind of un-layer,

To decondition going after the substitutes.

I thought I would share with you a little bit of some of the work that… I spent a number of years when I was still an active psychotherapist doing groups that were blending together meditation and psychotherapy.

And it was a really… It is a powerful thing because I came to the realization I had looked a lot into addiction and as part of my dissertation work and doing my doctorate and one of the things I learned in my dissertation was,

Yes,

Meditation works and for any longevity in terms of being able to change habits you have to have a relational field that supports.

It doesn't work alone.

These addictions are really,

Really tenacious and we need to wake up together around them.

So I did a number of different groups where we worked on it and we just brought together mindfulness and compassion and I thought I would give you a kind of… a little bit of a sample of how they would work because you can translate it and take the pieces and work with yourself in these ways but it is really important to then plug it into connecting with others around it.

In one of the groups I remember one of the first people to share a woman who described that since she was a teen she had been overweight and she was fine and moderate throughout the day even sometimes through dinner but every single night she would land up eating way,

Way too many sweets.

And she said she had tried everything,

You know,

She had tried meditation,

Didn't budget,

She had been in and out of OA,

She had tried all these different therapies,

She had a lot of dead ends.

Different people in the group had their own versions.

I don't remember exactly too many others in that group.

I remember one person was struggling with alcohol,

One person work addiction that was creating… his wife wanted to divorce him for it,

Somebody dealing with jealousy,

Somebody with co-dependence,

The whole range,

Okay.

So we began… the first step was that she… she just was describing this food addiction basically that she had had most of her life and the shame she felt for being so out of control and how it was worse for her because her body showed it's like she was walking around the world and everybody could see she was out of control.

But then we went around the group and other people when they were sharing their… the habits that they were caught in let her know that their shame was pretty deep too and didn't matter that everybody couldn't see it right away,

Their self-hatred and aversion for the ways their habits were affecting their life was really gripping them.

So it was very helpful for everybody to hear from each other how whenever we are stuck not only are we stuck but we also hate ourselves for being stuck,

There is some sense of personal weakness and badness.

And just to hear other people felt that too made it a little less personal,

It lightens it up,

That's the power of a group.

If we are living within our own bubble of addiction we will not realize that.

It's why the twelve-step groups work so well.

But we will go back to that.

So we explored how to begin to let meditation hold that shame and our closing meditation was… before that I shared a phrase I love from the teacher Poonjaji which is,

Love is always loving you.

Love is always loving you.

And what I asked them to do in that meditation was to get in touch with where they felt out of control and sense the feeling of shame about it and then go to the place where there was the highest wisdom and sense what is the message that this shame place most needs.

If you could say one message,

One message from your high self to offer to the place of shame,

What would help you the most?

And for this woman,

Love is always loving you was the message.

Others had different messages,

You know,

Some just said,

Forgive yourself.

One person,

It's just not your fault,

You are doing the best you can,

Things like that.

So I am going to just pause here and say that was the first step was to acknowledge the shame and then find some way from a larger part of our being to be with the shame because again you can't heal addiction or grasping or the hungry ghost if you hate the hungry ghost.

Okay?

We are all together at this phase,

Right?

Okay.

So their assignment was to not try to change the habit but as we did a little bit,

Witness it,

You know,

A benign friendly witness,

Certainly try to make wise choices,

But to the degree they felt the shame in some way get in the habit of offering that message that most could help that shame place relax some.

And for some what they came back with the next week is that I offered the message but really what helped the most was to remember the whole group of us were doing this.

It just made it not so much my thing.

That was part one.

But I don't remember how many weeks we took on what but I am just giving you the basic elements because in your own work finding a way to forgive yourself,

To know you are really doing the best you can – it doesn't mean you can't do better but you are trying as hard as you can right now – to remove the layer of blame is to begin to work with the deeper needs.

The second part was that they came back and they started noticing they could witness better because they weren't so busy blaming themselves they could watch the looping that I described better.

So they started getting more clear on their cues.

Anybody who has done deep work with habit knows you have to identify the triggers,

You have to kind of see,

Oh,

Okay,

This is what is getting me going right now.

So you can be more alert,

So you can choose different ways to do things.

So they started to sense that and we went into our next mindfulness inquiry which was,

Okay,

When you are wanting whatever it is,

The fix,

What are you really wanting to experience?

This is the second mindfulness question.

The first is how do you work with the shame?

The second is what is it you are really wanting?

And this is the question that goes from,

Okay,

You are going after the substitute gratification but what is that sense of the away from your star?

What is it you are really wanting?

So we did a practice again.

And you might just close your eyes just to hear the kind of get the feeling of the practice and we are going to do it again more fully in a few minutes.

But they did the practice which was,

When you are like that hungry ghost going after something,

What is it you want to experience?

And often the first layer is,

Well,

I am feeling angst and craving or uneasy and I just want relief.

Yeah,

But what is that like?

And this is what for the woman that I mentioned at the beginning,

This was her process.

When she wanted sweet she wanted relief,

She just felt this agitation in her,

She just wanted it soothed.

She said,

Oh,

Well,

The relief when I get that… then it is like I am spreading out again,

I am more open,

I am more alive,

I am more here.

So it is like ice cubes melting.

Once she had the sugar she could just relax and then she was more… Well,

Then I kept asking,

Well,

What does that give you?

If you get to feel the relief and you spread out and you feel more open,

You go,

Well,

Then I am more at home.

Then I feel more alive.

Then I feel like I belong.

And I said,

Okay,

So feel that right now.

She said,

Oh,

Yeah,

It is just like a lot of aliveness,

A lot of space,

A lot of ease,

It is like there is no boundaries.

She was feeling the expression of her star.

What she is going to do is coming home to her star.

So with the whole group I led them as I am describing with you through that exercise.

And this is part two.

What are you really desiring?

And can you sense how it is right here?

If you really keep checking it,

I call it tracing back desire,

What is it you are really wanting?

Okay,

So that was the next practice.

And finally – and this is the last inquiry and you can consider this yourself – so you get triggered and you are,

You know,

You are going into the activity of your obsessive thinking or the eating or the lashing out or whatever it is that might bring you a reward of relief or whatever the reward is.

If you plan ahead and you imagine that you are triggered and instead you are going to have a pause,

You are going to breathe and get right here,

Feel some mindfulness,

What alternative activity might help turn you toward your star in those moments?

What might give you what you want?

The key with habit change is that you need to know how to pause,

Notice what is going on and in that pause sense in a fresh way,

What really would bring me more towards my star?

Now if you just for a moment just imagine for this woman,

I want to kind of let you know what she came up with and for her this was her practice,

That she would have the thoughts about having sweets,

She would say,

Okay,

I might have them or I might not have them but I am going to first do this process and she would breathe mindfully and just stay put for about a minute and she would tell herself,

You know,

If she was feeling the sense of I am a bad person,

I shouldn't be wanting sweets,

She would say,

Love is always loving you,

Calm down the shame part.

And her activity that she substituted before she would go pursue sweets was to send a loving email to someone dear to her.

And then after that she would have something that she knew she liked to read and she would already have prepared for her some fruits,

Some berries or an apple or something.

And if after she went through those things she still wanted to go downstairs,

She would go downstairs and get sweets.

And it worked about fifty percent of the time for a few months.

And then for this woman she rejoined OA and it has continued to be able to keep the habit going of being more moderate.

But interestingly for some of the people that left the group all of them experienced some freedom from their habits but it was the ones that got involved with either OA or some of our spiritual friends groups locally or some other group that were able to sustain the habit change over time.

So I want to say a few words about that and then we are going to do a final meditation together.

And that is that there is a reason it doesn't work to try to change our habits by ourselves,

The real strong ones I am talking about.

And there has been some very good research done with AA.

And what they found is that what works is essential to be able to identify the cues and to have a new activity to get a reward,

In other words rather than drinking the alcohol go to a meeting or,

You know,

Substitute activities.

But what made the difference that people could sustain the habit change was a belief that they could do it,

A belief it was possible and what gave them that belief,

That confidence,

Was being involved with other people.

Some of them said that the belief took the form of,

I know a higher power has entered my life.

And I have seen the same thing with people in meditation groups say,

Oh,

I now trust that I have a refuge right here,

That this awareness or presence right here.

You could change the language but that belief,

That sense that I know there is a capacity to turn towards the star,

That there is a presence and a love that is here,

I trust that that is growing,

That belief is what allows the new behavior to actually get integrated.

We generally need others to help us,

To remind us.

In fact that is why when the Buddha shared the Dharma originally twenty-five hundred years ago,

Sangha or community was key because when one person was having a hard time somebody else could be more of a model for waking up.

Then it flips,

We take turns.

So with that in mind we are going to do a final little meditation together to close the class.

We started with that sense of how we live today really is how we are living our life and to sense how much of that is shaped by hungry ghosts,

By pursuing,

Knowing that whatever we regularly practice is strengthened.

So if we regularly practice going after sugar or blaming other people or blaming ourselves if that is our regular practice,

If it is perfectionism and sensing we are always falling short then we are going to keep strengthening those loops,

Those pathways.

But the invitation here is that we can in any moment notice that and choose to pause,

Choose to bring a real tenderness to the parts of us that are feeling ashamed,

That love is always loving us,

That there is a tenderness that can hold us.

We have the capacity to pause and to make fresh choices.

And there is a quality of grace in it that it is not a self that is really getting out of a bad habit,

It is awareness waking up and this practice of mindfulness and compassion makes us more available.

So you might just take a moment to sense as you have been the behavior perhaps you have identified.

And just send a message,

An energy of genuine forgiveness,

Understanding,

Care.

The hungry ghost begins to lose its power when it is met with compassion.

And then just to feel your intention next time this arises to pause,

To deepen your attention a little,

To sense what fresh possibilities might be available.

The poet Rumi writes,

This is how a human being can change.

There is a little worm addicted to eating grape leaves.

Suddenly he wakes up,

Call it grace,

Whatever,

Something wakes him and he is no longer a little worm,

He is the entire vineyard and the orchard too,

The fruit,

The trunks,

A growing wisdom and joy that doesn't need to devour.

Thank you for your attention.

Namaste.

Reviews

Thank you Tara! Your words touched me deeply when I most needed to hear them.

Wonderful. Please have a look at a new group I just started called Al-Anon 11th Step. I have added your talk to a folder. Thank you. Eric B

Filled with deep insight and helpful invitations. Delivered with humor, humanity and tenderness.

Excellent and once again Tara finds a way to remind me to persist in turning towards my star 💫

Every single word spoken by Tara here has touched me in a profound way.

Another favorite from Tara. Really helpful in understanding how our habits work in the body and in the mind and through our social interaction within our communities.

Incredibly insightful rich with self-recognition and a new profound understanding of stepping away from addictions… with self-gentleness/compassion… authentically and mindfully
Wow 🥰 so grateful to BE able to listen to hear this xxx 🥰🙏🥰

If I could give 10 stars or 100 stars I would! I will return to this! Tara's gentleness, compassion, knowledge and wisdom in this talk wrapped me in hope that I can finally heal a lifelong addiction to eating to soothe the hungry ghost. I feel understood, held and loved. I feel that finally there is a way out. Thank you SOOOOOOO much. Namaste. 🙏❤️

Tara is an amazing teacher. I love her work. This talk on addiction is wonderful, and speaks to us all and the many ways we find to seek to fill that hole in the soul.

Absolutely amazing!! I’ve listened several times and have even taken notes.

Very deep and moving. It is not an easy “fix” but at least I see a path … the root and they path to help and relief. I may need multiple listens but I am grateful this talk by Tara Brach is available through Insight Timer. 🙏

Just what I needed. The way you live today is the way you live your life ❤️🎈

Of all the teachings I have been needing for some time, this is one of the most useful for me. Thank you So Very Much!

Amazing! So informative, calming, healing. It creates hope.

Deeply insightful, heartfelt and actionable... thank you so much for sharing!

Insightful and so thoughtfully conveyed. Breakthrough experience just listening to this. Thnx

What generosity for Tara B to share such profound wisdom in this manner! As a beginning or as a reinforcement, this dharma talk is an extraordinary gift.

This talk addressed our Hungry Ghosts. And how to respond with kindness.

Outstanding!! Thank you 🙏 I am recommending this to all of my friends in recovery ❤️‍🩹

I saw portals into my own fixations that I had never seen in 6 years of spiritual work. Thank you Tara, I am holding them with compassion and awareness 😌