Heal in Place. Fill Your Still. Responding Vs. Reacting

When you react, your emotions are in control, with no thought of consequences. Feelings are not facts so your amygdala is running the show. I deluded myself for years, believing that when I was screaming and throwing tantrums, I was taking control of a situation that I didn’t like. Looking back with this newly acquired wisdom, I now know the opposite was true. Because I was not in control of the storms raging inside me, I would overreact to everything going on outside me.

Transcript

No one makes you feel anything.

It is how you react and respond that determines your emotions.

Quote by author Brian Tracy.

This is Tammy Atman with the Stuck Stops Here.

When this pandemic is over and we leave our shelters to venture out into a very different world than the one we left,

Who are we going to be now?

In this challenging time of forced stillness,

We have no distractions and no escape.

Some may be cleaning out their closets.

Some may be cleaning out their souls.

If you are really motivated and brave,

You may be doing both.

And I'm impressed.

I have chosen to read and write instead of clean and use this time of stillness to nurture my recently discovered life purpose of sharing the resources I used on my healing journey.

I created these many podcasts in hopes to provide you with new tools or additional tools to empower you to accept and deal with the new normal with grace and dignity instead of fear and anger.

I am not a therapist or a life coach.

I have a driver's license and no license for anything else.

I am simply sharing what I have learned and that these resources help me recover and heal from internal self destruction.

Today's podcast is about responding versus reacting.

How do you respond or react to people and situations in your daily life while you are thinking about how to answer that?

Consider this in light of today's global situation.

We have emergency response teams,

Not emergency reaction teams.

When you react,

Your emotions are in control with no thought of consequences.

Feelings are not facts.

And so your amygdala is running the show.

I deluded myself for years that when I was screaming and throwing temper tantrums,

That I was taking control of a situation I didn't like.

Looking back with this newly acquired wisdom,

I know,

No,

The polar opposite was true.

Because I was not in control of the storms raging inside me,

I would overreact to everything going on outside me.

My reactions were automatic and survival oriented and often produced behaviors that I regretted later.

And overreaction stresses us physically,

Too.

We clench our fists and our jaws.

Our stomach turns,

Our faces turn red and our defenses are on high alert.

When you respond,

Your brain is fully engaged and your self-awareness is high.

Your prefrontal cortex has the long term consequences in mind.

Your amygdala is not in charge.

To respond to an explosive situation,

Take a deep breath,

Pause for a moment,

Collect your thoughts and pull yourself back together.

That moment can mean the difference between navigating a situation with dignity and maturity or crashing hard into a pit of blame and shame.

I read a great article written by Dr.

Marshall Goldsmith,

A world renowned business educator and coach.

The article tells a simple Buddhist story.

A young farmer paddled his boat vigorously upriver.

It was a hot day.

He was covered with sweat as he paddled his boat upstream to deliver his produce to the village.

He wanted to make his delivery and get home before dark.

As he looked ahead,

He saw another boat heading fast directly towards him.

He rode furiously to get out of the way,

But it didn't seem to help.

He screamed,

Change direction,

You're going to hit me.

It appeared to him that the driver of the boat chose not to listen and the boat came straight towards him anyway and hit his boat with a very hard thud.

The young man screamed,

You idiot,

Why didn't you get out of the way?

What's wrong with you?

As he glared into the boat looking for the driver,

He realized there was no one.

He had been screaming at an empty boat that had broken free of its moorings and was floating aimlessly downstream.

Dr.

Goldsmith points out the interesting thing is that we behave one way when we believe there is another person responsible.

We blame that stupid,

Careless idiot for what happened.

We get angry.

We act out and play the victim.

There is nothing positive or productive about this reaction.

It is defensive and negative and makes nothing better.

We behave more calmly when we know that what is coming toward us is an empty boat.

With no one to blame,

We don't get upset.

We accept the fact that this is some bad luck and then do our best to rectify the situation.

We may even laugh at the absurdity of the accident.

It might even be a funny story.

In reality,

Most of us are always screaming at empty boats.

That empty boat could be a bad boss,

Toxic parents,

A significant other with personality disorders,

Anyone in your life.

An empty boat is never targeting us and neither are the people we deal with personally or professionally.

If we start treating challenging experiences as empty boats,

Then we won't react and scream.

Instead,

We will be calm,

Productive,

And less stressed because we will accept what is and change what we can.

It is up to us to choose how we react or respond to the empty boats in our lives.

Some people,

Like toxic parents or vicious co-workers,

Will intentionally throw gas on a fire,

Especially when they know we will react.

They know where to put the proverbial knife and how to twist it.

Because of their own unhealed pain and inner turmoil,

They take a perverse,

Disturbing pleasure from this.

I felt very powerless my entire childhood and I spent decades motivated by false fears.

Here are some ideas that may help you take back your power.

Breathing.

By focusing on our breathing,

We bring our thinking under control.

We may eliminate thoughts that anger us and release those negative thoughts with each breath.

By focusing on our breathing,

We regain our concentration,

Releasing tension with each breath and raised awareness.

We retain self-control and release stress from inside us.

We let go and become more centered and balanced and pursue calmer ways of interacting instead of freaking out and regretting it later.

Raising attentiveness.

As we remain calm,

We listen to what is being said and maybe even hear what is not being said by observing the way the person is saying it.

We become more aware as we formulate a healthy,

Productive response.

Some long-term changes you can make to make responding a permanent part of your daily interactions.

One,

Commit.

A commitment is many consistent decisions over time.

If you are on a healing journey,

Make the decision to be less reactive on a daily basis.

You need to want to do better to feel better.

Two,

Awareness.

Become aware of those times when you are responding and when you are reacting.

What are the triggers that set you off?

Why do they set you off?

Does it help to explode?

Did you feel your body physically change?

Focus on breathing to bring your body back to a steady state.

Three,

Label your reaction.

It is hard to ignore something that has a name.

What are you feeling?

Frustration?

Insecurity?

Fear?

Anger?

Anxiety?

Getting angry at a long checkout line is automatic and instinctual until you say,

I am so angry that I have to wait.

Then it really doesn't sound so horrible.

Four,

Why?

What triggered you?

Was it the event or did it remind you of something else?

Analyze why you are freaking out.

Usually an overreaction is connected to pain or fear.

The source is buried deep inside you,

Far below the surface of the actual event.

Five,

Choose a productive response.

As you take that step back and that momentary breath,

Consider what is most important in the situation?

What is my goal?

In most cases,

The best way to respond is to let it go,

Keep yourself collected,

And pay attention.

All of these changes are empowering by moving you away from rage and towards awareness so that you can create healthier outcomes and generate calming solutions for everyone as well as yourself.

I would like to end with an interesting scenario that I have encountered in articles I have read and videos I have watched.

This scenario is called,

Are you the Moron or the Maniac?

Imagine you are driving a car.

In front of you is a car going very,

Very slow.

So you get angry,

You call a driver,

A moron,

You start tailing him,

Honking,

Freaking out,

Making obscene gestures,

Demanding that he get out of your way.

According to you,

The driver is a moron.

The driver in front of you sees you freaking out and calls you a maniac.

Now,

Behind you is another car angry that you are driving slow.

So that car starts tailing you,

Honking at you,

Freaking out,

Making obscene gestures,

Demanding that you get out of the way.

According to you,

The driver of the car behind you is a maniac.

So in this situation,

You are the only one who is sane and driving at the correct speed.

So you can see what is going on here.

We always think we are correct while everyone else is wrong,

And it doesn't matter where everyone else is coming from.

So in this example,

It is not the person cutting you off that is making you angry.

It is that you are going to be late and you don't have time to spare.

So we get cut off,

We react and go into anger mode.

When we cut someone else off,

We might be late picking up our kids or late to a meeting.

We have all been on both sides.

Now,

Apply this thought process to the toxic people in your life,

And you might react less often.

I am not saying to hand out forgiveness like Halloween candy to the toxic people in your life and accept more emotional abuse.

I am just providing some,

What I call,

Spiritual medicine that worked for me.

By retraining yourself to respond instead of react,

You are building that self-reflective capacity,

Strengthening that emotional awareness muscle inside,

So you can respond to life with purpose and clarity.

I work on this every day through reading,

Writing,

Music and meditation.

It is a never-ending process.

This is Tammy Atman with the Stuck Stops Here.

Best of health to you and your families during these frightening times.

Reviews

The prerequisite for wisdom is not a degree. Thank you for sharing your wisdom. This was most insightful and helpful!

Thank you for this share and helpful tips. You spoke to my heart and pain. 💗🙏🏽

Such a great reminder to remember to pause, and respond rather than react. I will definitely be bookmarking this.

Namaste

12/2020
I just wanted to update my review to thank you for the empty boat metaphor!! I have been in a very stressful situation at work and I find myself getting angry and frustrated all day and I have to remind myself not to react. So I put a sticky note on my monitor that just says EMPTY BOAT and I remember to pause. So thank you again.

I am so glad I discovered your helpful Fill the Still series. I feel you really nailed this topic. Thank you for your insight and tools.

Great to have you back Tami. This is such an important topic. It took me until my senior years to learn how to respond instead of reacting with my toxic family members and some days I still have to check up. Just last week I reacted instead of responding and it did not go well for either of us. I did apologize but the damage was done. My goal is to get to a place where I accept what is, love what is. 🥰