Overly ResponsiBULLoney (Season 2)

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been over-responsible. I was hypervigilant and hyper attuned to my surroundings and was expected to read minds (particularly my deaf mother) from birth. Many people, like me, learned very early in life to put everyone else first and myself last. I spent decades as a people pleaser who suppressed and repressed everything about me to minimize conflict, criticism, rejection and disappointment. I did good things for the wrong reasons.

Transcript

Take back your bags,

I got myself a plan Take back your bags,

Cause I can barely stand And if I can't stand,

Then how can I walk?

And if I can't walk,

Then how can I run?

And if I can't run,

Cause I'm trapped inside The cage you built around my mind Oh,

Shame Welcome back to The Stuck Stops here.

Hello,

Hello everybody.

These are your favorite non-life coaches,

Your non-licensed therapists.

We are your favorite non-credential people.

Right?

I'm not certified in anything.

No,

Me neither.

So,

But we're here for you.

Yes.

Today's episode,

Season two,

Episode eight is called Overly Responsible-ony.

Now,

Overly responsible-ony is my immature childish take on being overly responsible and over-scheduled.

Nice.

Baloney.

Yep.

And it is baloney.

And I'm going to tell you why.

For as long as I can remember,

I was overly responsible.

I was overly connected to vibes and energy of everybody around me.

I was hyper-vigilant and hyper-attuned and expected to read minds.

Particularly my deaf mother's mind.

So from the time I was born,

I had to be as well-behaved and as people-pleasing as possible,

Even if it hurt.

And I am not alone.

So I was raised to be the hero,

The one that made my toxic parents look good.

And I was always believed that I had to be strong and avoid showing any weakness by asking for help,

Expressing any needs,

Or sharing any feelings I had.

So you were like the adult in the family.

I was a parentified child,

Which we sort of went over in the episode 10 of season one,

But we're going to go over it again.

Because we have about 9,

000 podcasts left to do.

And we heard something similar when we talked to my sister,

Yochi.

She mentioned that too,

That when she went out to buy cigarettes for her mother and she had to go find the doctor and all that stuff,

She was also the adult in the family.

Which,

Yes,

Didn't she say she had to clean the room,

Clean the house,

Because there was company coming over and no one else was going to do it.

And it's funny,

They didn't ask her to do it,

But it's sort of implied that she had to.

But they didn't thank her for doing it either,

They just criticized her.

Yep.

So,

Amazing.

You know what,

It reminds me when I was a kid,

My brothers and I would always get together and buy a gift for my,

We want to buy like an anniversary present for our parents or a birthday present for our mother or whatever it was.

And it was never right.

Like I remember everything we bought was wrong.

We bought them once a new bed,

We thought,

Because they had this old bed and we thought,

Let's get them a new bed,

What a nice surprise that would be.

So we got them a queen size bed because the bed they had was a queen size.

And my mother,

When she saw the bed,

We were so excited,

Look what we bought you.

She was like,

I didn't want a queen size,

I wanted a king size bed.

Why did you buy me that?

And it was like,

I still remember that.

Every gift was a fail,

Big fail.

And it's,

You know,

My mother was the same way in terms of,

You know,

She is very big into fashion,

Shocker,

And looking good.

I mean,

There's nothing wrong with looking good,

But it's when it's,

You know,

You live and breathe it and it's your only source of self-esteem,

It's kind of a problem.

So she loved to spend hours in stores and whatever.

I would never want to go to the store and find this perfect outfit that would fit her.

She always hated that I didn't want to do that.

And I still don't.

Oh,

She wanted you to shop with her while she shopped for herself.

No,

When we got gifts,

She wanted me to pick out something that she would like.

So I got her gift cards like,

You can go do it.

But she hated that.

Well,

Anything you would have done would have been a fail,

I think.

I don't think she would have appreciated anything.

That's true.

Yeah,

That is true.

We reached a point where we just stopped.

We were like,

Well,

Why should we bother?

Because everything is met with.

.

.

It is no fun to do anything for anyone that has high expectations and is very difficult to please.

It's just not fun.

So if you have gratitude for the small things,

You're going to find that the people that care about you will do more for you.

Of course.

It's like that saying,

Have no expectations,

And then everything will be a surprise.

Everything will be,

Lower your expectations,

Have no expectations.

I like that feeling.

How much effort somebody puts into ceremonies and buying you that gift and getting you that perfect cake is really not a reflection of how they feel.

It's just a reflection of how obligated they are.

So again,

Just when it's hugely important and it's a superficial thing,

The deeper things are important.

Of course.

Well,

We have like,

My family,

We have this mutual contempt for the Hallmark holidays.

Mother's Day,

Father's Day,

Grandparents' Day,

Secretary's Day,

Teacher's Day,

Every day.

It all feels like Groundhog Day,

Doesn't it?

Oh my God.

And especially Mother's Day,

Because of the expectation that was put on us as kids for Mother's Day.

Oh my God,

Heaven forbid we don't get our mother a card or flowers or whatever Mother's Day.

But I don't make my kids do that.

I'd rather,

Every day is Mother's Day.

Why waiting for one day of the year to show me that I'm a good mother?

That's crazy.

It also reinforces these entrenched cultural beliefs that mothers are flawless and mothers are to be held,

They're godlike and they're saintly.

And there's so many mothers out there that haven't done that and cannot do it,

Nor was it done for them.

And that's where that whole repression and denial of pain that unloved daughters are in.

And this is why there's so many books out there,

And they're all on my website,

About that very topic.

So that you don't think something's wrong with you for being totally disconnected from your mother as a result of her own pain and her own unmet needs and her own toxic childhood.

Right.

Go to my website and look up the books.

TheStuckStopsHere.

Com So for the last hundred plus years,

My family on both sides were,

You know,

A bad reality TV series one after the other.

Really was.

Although nobody called us honey boo-boos.

So many people like me end up,

You know,

Having a toxic relationships with ourselves.

Confidence issues in our personal and professional lives,

Low self-worth.

Or,

And,

Or being overly responsible as a way,

As a source of self-soothing and comfort,

Which doesn't work.

So,

Well,

Is that something you choose to be or are you just thrown into that position?

So we learn,

Great question.

Thank you.

We're taught that very early in life that we are responsible for other people's feelings,

Opinions,

Behaviors,

Needs,

And expectations.

How do you like all those people not taking responsibility for themselves and putting it on you or me or us poor children?

Why,

Why?

They don't know any better.

And,

And again,

I always say external based living,

External based self-soothing.

If you look to the outside,

Then all you're going to want is more.

If you look for outside validation,

Outside comfort,

Outside re encouragement from outside yourself,

It's no different than crack.

It's just never enough.

You're just gonna have to up the dosage.

So,

And this always starts.

And you're going to be disappointed a lot.

All the time.

You're right.

And we,

You know,

Overly responsible and people pleasing are all tied into one another.

And part of what motivates us to be responsible is to prioritize other people,

Which we learn to do at a young age,

To minimize or eliminate conflict.

I did that.

Criticism,

I did that.

Rejection,

I tried to avoid that.

And disappointment,

Never avoided that.

So it's,

The more I do,

The safer I will be.

And doesn't work.

All you do is,

You know,

Run around like that hamster on the habit trail,

Squirrels in traffic,

Monkey chatter.

So you end up doing good things for all the wrong reasons because you don't know any different.

And in 2014,

When I hit rock bottom and started my healing journey,

I realized I was in a very toxic role in being overly responsible and prioritizing everyone else.

And it was making me miserable.

And the early part of your healing journey,

For me,

Excuse me,

The early part of my healing journey,

Which I think can happen for a lot of other people,

Is that doing the same thing you've always done will cost you emotional,

Mental,

Physical,

And spiritual well-being.

So I was tired of paying that price.

So let's talk about an overactive sense of responsibility.

So we talked,

You know,

I mentioned overscheduled lives,

Piling one commitment on top of another,

Frantically rushing from one thing to the next,

Mindlessly,

With no awareness of what you're doing,

Why you're doing it.

So that's the opposite of mindful.

Yes.

Right.

Mindless.

And overly responsible people end up getting used by demanding people,

Desperate people,

And narcissists.

And these demanding,

Narcissistic people manipulate others,

You know,

With flattery,

Guilt,

Threats.

What happens if you say no?

If you're overly responsible,

You won't.

And the reason,

The motivation for never saying no is you're afraid of conflict.

You're afraid of disappointing people.

You're afraid of failing.

So by always saying yes,

As miserable makes you,

You feel like,

Which is not true,

You believe,

Which is not true,

That you are minimizing problems of disappointment and rejection by saying yes to everything.

Yeah,

In the short term.

But the damage it's doing in the long term.

Is I'm living proof that it does incredible amount of damage.

You know,

I remember my mom and stepdad used to fight a lot over,

You know,

Whether it's their own relationship,

Finances,

Or my stepdad's ex-wife,

And whatever it was,

It was fighting,

Fighting,

Fighting,

Fighting,

Screaming,

Screaming,

Screaming.

And I would do anything to try to minimize it.

That was my goal every day.

To minimize their fighting.

If I do this,

They'll stop yelling.

If I do this,

They'll stop screaming.

If I clean up this,

They'll just stop.

And whether they noticed it or not or cared or not,

At that point,

You know,

I was four,

Five,

Six,

Seven,

Eight,

Nine,

Ten,

You know,

In that range,

I don't know.

But I do know that checking,

Looking around the room,

Surveying my surroundings,

And seeing if everything's okay,

Or is there anything I can prevent from happening or stop from happening or do to make sure it stays okay.

So there wasn't like,

Oh,

I think I'll go play with,

You know,

My toys,

Or I'll go write something,

Or I'll go do something that,

You know,

Nourishes me.

I wouldn't even know.

So that was all the time?

All the time.

I think that's why I became so good at music.

Because my mother was so unhappy,

And the music made her happy.

So I just kept doing it.

It's like comedians who become comedians,

Because when they're young,

Their families are sad or dysfunctional,

And they make everybody laugh.

And it seems to work.

Makes a lot of sense.

So from a physical standpoint,

Being compulsively responsible,

You know,

We put our whole nervous system on alert.

Which causes chronic stress,

And you're always like in that fear mode,

You know,

Because,

You know,

You got to do this,

You got to do that,

You got to do that.

Anything to avoid silence.

Anything to avoid being alone with yourself.

Anything to avoid confronting your pain and everything that's been bothering you since you were like two months old.

Wow.

So when we have that endless list of errands and compulsive push to do one more thing before you leave work or clean one more thing,

You know,

It undermines our health,

Contributes to hypertension,

Cardiovascular disease,

Depression,

Anxiety,

And all that other crappy stuff.

Wow.

So one of the signs that you are overly responsible,

You're on the edge of burnout a lot,

Which was me.

I was all the time,

You know,

Felt burned out that I was burning the candle at both ends.

You were always one second away from the straw breaking the camel's back.

Yes.

Always.

Yes.

Absolutely.

And then you get annoyed when you see other people being irresponsible.

And you're always saying,

Well,

Why aren't they doing more and why aren't I doing more?

And there's resentment that builds,

You know,

Especially people who don't appreciate because they don't know all the running around you're doing,

All the caretaking you're doing.

You mean the people you're related to,

The people in your family or everybody?

Everybody.

Everybody.

Even strangers.

You know,

You say you're at a restaurant and you help somebody out or you go that extra step to hold the door for somebody or this or that and they don't thank you.

You get all mad.

You get angry.

You know,

And I'm not saying I use that as a very benign example,

But that's the type of thing is that you have this reaction.

Well,

Look what I did.

I just held the door open.

You don't even say thank you.

Like,

You know,

Maybe 10 years ago,

I probably have been like,

Oh,

You're welcome.

I would have barked at them.

Now I'm like,

Okay,

You're absorbed in your own world.

Live and let live,

Right?

So that's a very quick,

Benign example that I could come up with.

So and you always have this weight on your shoulders.

Like,

You know,

Everything is you are responsible for absolutely everything and you take it too far,

Mostly because you were raised by toxic parents.

So that is such a difficult way to be.

You don't ever get to enjoy your life.

Yep.

Owning what's yours,

You know,

You know,

Mistakes,

That's maturity.

Yes,

You take responsibility,

But owning everything that's going on around you,

Mistakes,

Tasks and emotions from for everything outside of you and everybody outside of you is a sign of over responsibility.

So some of the things that we may feel when we're being overly responsible.

Guilt.

My least favorite G word.

So when things out of our control go wrong,

I remember during.

One of my stupid business decisions,

There was some construction involved.

And there was some delays and this and that,

And.

I literally was physically shaking.

At.

All the delays and the deadlines and and there's nothing I could do,

But I was.

Sick,

Wow,

Physically,

Mentally and spiritually,

No coping,

Shaking,

No,

No,

No.

So aside from guilt.

Conflict avoidance,

You know,

Overly responsible people like to keep the peace,

So they'll take on.

Crappy burdens instead of having a difficult conversation.

Because,

You know,

They don't want to have a confrontation involving anger or rejection.

Right.

So it's at their own expense.

It's if you've been doing it since you were little,

It feels safer and more familiar to have a ridiculous amount of responsibilities on your shoulder than to upset or disappoint people that you care about.

So guilt,

Conflict avoidance,

Feeling used.

So I was expected to be the parent growing up.

I was a tool to be used.

My role was to keep the peace and avoid doing anything that rocked the boat.

You also took care of your brother.

To some extent.

Yes.

To some extent,

I will admit there are a lot of people who don't take care of.

Their kids from a physical.

I was not physically neglected.

I will admit that I had,

You know,

Clothes on my back,

Food on the table,

You know.

But emotional,

Emotionally,

Like if I didn't want to go to school,

I don't think they would have given a shit.

I mean,

I went and I got A's because somebody had to give a shit and as well be me.

Right.

So.

So when you are treated like an object by the people that are actually supposed to love you,

You end up putting yourself in situations as an adult that reinforce that belief that you are an object and a tool to be used.

Like what?

Personally,

Professionally.

So you are,

You know,

When whether you're working.

And you do the best you can and somebody is unhappy with it.

If that's the best you've done.

That has to be OK.

You know,

I used to it no matter what job I held,

I would always try to.

Jump the gun,

You know,

In terms of,

You know,

Solve a problem before it happened.

They didn't ask me to do that.

Was that met with appreciation?

Sometimes,

But definitely not commiserate with the energy I put into it.

So would you be disappointed after that?

I would always be.

Like I was always disappointed.

Like the holding the door thing,

Like you went out of your way to do something that they didn't ask you to do and they weren't thrilled about it.

I wanted accolades.

I wanted.

Reinforcement every three to four seconds that I was good.

I mean,

That's the addiction and that's part of that whole overly responsible.

I finish this,

I'm good.

I finish that.

I'm good.

If I do this,

I won't disappoint people if I do this.

But it's endless.

It is.

There's no peace.

Never.

None.

And when you know,

Demands are things that people expect you to do.

Too many demands leads to resentment.

You have to say no to some of these unreasonable demands.

Would you say as an adult,

Because you had this kind of affliction that you let people take advantage of you,

Particularly my family.

You know,

Co-workers on on on occasion.

So what happens when you get resentment,

You say you explode at the wrong things.

So even though I'd be doing this,

Doing that,

Doing this,

Doing that to a hundred miles an hour.

I would have a temper tantrum at a certain point because the resentment had just built up over doing things that nobody specifically asked me to do.

But I felt like the whole world implied me that I was supposed to do it.

I like that word implied.

Yeah,

Because they didn't.

But you just thought that they did.

You implied means that somebody didn't say something to you.

You just decided that they did.

They you didn't have to say it.

I could see it in your eyes.

Or I know you're thinking this,

But that's actually not correct.

It's not correct.

Implied behavior is not it's in our own heads.

I call you know,

There's a there's a lot of I told you I had a lot of personality disorders and,

You know,

Poor coping strategies that I was addicted to.

I think it's what glasses kind of lens are you wearing in your glasses?

You know,

We have the phrase rose colored glasses.

Well,

Let's say,

You know,

If I have a pair of glasses that says,

OK,

I'm going to scan the room for things that might need to be done that I need to do.

You know,

That's one pair of glasses.

Well,

Another pair of glasses is looking for,

You know,

Win that road race to hit that sales milestone.

That's when you push yourself.

So,

You know,

Push me.

You know,

Those are the overachieving glasses.

Right.

You know,

Maybe you have glasses that are just clear glass and you see the world for what it is.

I'm working on that.

I'm getting closer.

Closer.

I have a minute.

I have experience with that.

I have seen that where people think that you're implying something and you're not.

And they're just like,

Well,

I didn't say it,

But it was implied.

But what does that mean?

So if you have a room,

I'm glad you brought that up.

So if you have a room of people with all different pairs of glasses on and they're all misreading each other,

Probably because most of us have had a toxic upbringing.

And yes,

I realize it's on a spectrum.

Sounds like a terrible party.

What's what's really going on?

So a lot of sometimes that negative energy or stress that you may feel is everybody's got that wacky pair of glasses on.

I'll tell you what's going on.

Everybody's at a party with their own baggage.

They're standing there surrounded by their own baggage and they're kind of asserting themselves based on the baggage that they're carrying.

And I think they need to give back the bags that aren't theirs.

Take back your bags.

And that's the theme of our song.

That's right.

This week's song.

Shake a tail of this one.

Let's listen to it and take a little break and we'll be right back.

On this crowded street.

Oh,

Shame busted through and took a bite out of me.

I locked the door and threw away the key.

Oh,

Shame cut right through and brought me to my knees.

Oh,

Black,

White,

White,

Wrong,

Flight,

Fight,

Freeze.

Oh,

Take back your bags.

I got myself a plan.

Take back your bags.

Cause I can barely stand.

If I can't stand.

Take back your bags.

Yes,

Ma'am.

Go ahead,

Tammy.

So signs of being overly responsible.

We talked about guilt,

Conflict,

Avoidance,

Feeling used.

There's also self criticism,

Anxiety and depression.

Self criticism.

Telling yourself that you better get things right or else.

Or you're an idiot if you don't get it right the first time.

Now,

Are those the words coming from your parents?

Both through you?

You know,

Now.

Or they have taught you how to mistreat yourself.

They taught.

That's great.

They taught you how to mistreat yourself because they were themselves.

They you know,

They were filled with self-loathing and they pass it on to you.

So they hate themselves.

They hate you.

And you hate yourself.

And on and on and on and on it goes.

Right.

The circle game.

So anxiety,

You know.

Constant concern about things going right and going perfectly.

And if it doesn't,

What are you going to be able to do about it?

That was huge amount of time and space in my head on that.

That is a lot of anxiety.

Oh,

Yeah.

It was I was riddled with it.

Because as we know in the world,

Things don't always go right.

In fact,

More things usually go wrong than go right.

But it's in our perspective.

And we label it as it went wrong.

Well,

Let's just.

Right.

And that's right.

We don't even know that it went wrong.

But if we if if our perspective is that everything is wrong and going wrong,

Then it's wrong.

But like the stupidest little thing can happen and we can just shrug it off or we can go,

Oh,

No,

It was wrong.

You know,

It's really all in our perspective.

And the consequences of all the above.

Anxiety,

Self criticism,

Feeling used,

Conflict,

Avoidance and guilt lead to depression.

Which all that did for me.

So.

So is it possible,

Even though we are not licensed therapists,

As you know,

Or life coaches,

But is it possible for those of you out there that are depressed?

Perhaps delving into your family history and finding out what happened might help.

It definitely is a great start.

On my Web site,

I have links to all the books.

One of the most immediate and free ways to get some help is a group called ACA.

So it's adult children of alcoholics.

But it you don't have to be a child of alcoholics.

No.

So please pretend I didn't say it.

Right.

We talked about this a while ago to an adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families.

The consequences are the same.

So let's put the link to that in the notes so people can find it because it's free.

It's free.

Yeah.

And it's everywhere.

It's all over the country.

Yep.

You can find a meeting or a sponsor for 20 bucks.

They give you a wonderful and which is all nonprofit.

Nobody makes anybody at all.

If you buy the book there and you don't have to.

It's 20 dollars and it's life saving.

I look I look through that book a lot.

So,

You know,

It's funny.

I actually bought the book one day at a time.

Everyone called it.

Oh,

That one day at a time.

And when I because I we talked about this,

I used to go to those meetings,

Too.

It wasn't a child of alcoholics,

But the codependency.

And I was miserable.

And I was experiencing a lot of the things you're mentioning right there in the overly responsible category because I was feeling those things.

I was overly responsible for my mother's happiness.

And it wasn't it was a very unfair position to put me in.

So I needed help and I didn't know how to find help.

So and then I had a friend who told me about Alan on ACA and I went and I bought the book.

And I remember I brought it home and I left it in the kitchen.

And one day my mother called me like years later.

She's like,

You know,

I was reading that little book.

You put it to the kitchen one day at a time.

It's a pretty good book.

I thought to myself,

Now that's ironic.

It's amazing.

My my husband has a group of friends that he has through through the gym.

And one of them is a probably malignant and pathological narcissist.

And.

They also started to sort of realize he's this way,

Which was interesting that,

You know,

They have,

You know,

Acquired some of that wisdom.

I mean,

I didn't tell him anything.

Maybe listen to the stuff stops here.

Maybe so.

And they were making you know,

They actually they're funny guys.

They make fun of each other.

And they were talking about narcissistic,

You know,

Definitely over a few beers while watching a game.

Don't don't get all excited.

They weren't doing Kumbaya.

So they and the guy goes,

Oh,

My God,

The actual narcissist looks at it and says,

Oh,

My God,

And points to guy across from Scott.

This is you.

And it's not.

It's actually him.

That's unbelievable.

So he so he so he pointed to somebody else and said,

This is their their narcissist.

Wow.

So he didn't want to take responsibility for him.

He didn't even realize denials,

Not just a river in Egypt.

And I thought it was.

I know.

Me,

Too.

So how we learn to be overly responsible usually involves invasion of boundaries.

So,

You know,

My mother had no respect for boundaries at all.

I was a parentified child and most parentified children.

Feel responsible and filling up these large,

Painful,

Empty spaces.

You know,

If you look at picture of you know,

I'm dating myself flipping through a photo album,

You know,

Not on Facebook,

An actual photo album.

But the pictures are printed out and you always look at the pictures with the smiles and the activities and all that.

I say.

Parentified children are addressing the white space in between the photographs that big,

Ugly white space that's hovering just behind all the smiles.

That's how I see it.

Wow.

So parentified children,

You know,

Have no room to be children because as a very young age,

We had to function as adults and like me grew up with the idea that if we didn't do our job right,

The family would fall apart.

Wow.

And I did feel that way.

A lot of pressure.

So how'd your brother deal with this?

It's a good question.

I don't I actually get along with him.

I just don't see him as much because is he aware of this kind of stuff?

Not at all.

He's actually gone the unfortunately the same direction as,

You know,

My father,

My stepfather,

My mother.

He didn't marry well and he's in denial and.

Not.

Doing.

What's best for his kids?

I will say I don't see him being.

Vicious narcissist,

I don't see it.

I do see him being lost,

Not having any direction.

And thinking that he knows everything well,

But deep down,

He's actually probably making one big mistake right after the other.

Right.

How can you help someone like that if they don't see it?

They'll know he's got all the answers and I feel sorry for him.

I don't have one bit of anger and I feel somewhat responsible for it because I was a pretty angry kid.

My mother was angry.

So maybe I probably contributed to it.

You know,

It was not your fault.

It's not,

You know,

But feeling a bit overly responsible baloney for the moment.

So,

Yes,

Because but I did contribute unintentionally to probably some of what why he is the way he is because I myself was an angry child.

So,

Wow.

Being the responsible one and the one that you that you think has to hold the family together contributes to our self-worth.

So.

Being a tool or an object.

To keep the peace and quote,

Quote,

Quote,

Quotation marks becomes our identity.

So this is how,

You know,

We receive validation and we carry this identity.

I would like to call it a false self into the outside world because you grow up thinking you don't have a choice but to feel responsible for everything outside of you.

So your own needs,

Your own dreams,

Your true self gets lost in the process.

And that is an easy path to becoming codependent.

When you're codependent and we'll devote an episode on this probably in the next month.

Codependents feel the needs don't matter.

They forget they have needs because they've been so busy looking at after everyone else and very good at anticipating the needs of other family members.

It's skilled at reading other people's minds.

So that was me.

Sometimes it's still me,

But I turn it off now.

I know how to say.

And it was not easy.

But now I know how to say,

OK.

You know,

Not my monkeys,

Not my circus.

So you know how to recognize it.

I recognize that there is something going on with whoever it is that I'm picking up that energy.

But I'm not responsible for it.

Right.

I can disconnect.

Without getting angry,

Without reacting.

And if you know,

So you're not afraid of disappointing people.

Not anymore by saying not at all.

Yeah.

No,

That actually sounds like me,

Too.

I think for many years I was codependent and an overly empathetic.

And I would get very emotional.

I still get very emotional.

Here's the thing that really gets me.

If I'm watching a show or a movie and in the action,

The the person who has been holding in everything finally lets it all go.

The catharsis.

I just lose it between that.

And then the music swells,

Pulls at the tugs at the heartstrings and I lose my shit.

And it could be even in an animated show.

As soon as that person lets go and like comes to this realization,

I get so emotional.

I can just I just don't like you're in the music or entertainment field.

Why would you know anything about that?

But that's true.

Right.

But that subject matter is what what gets me.

Because I remember that feeling for myself when I kind of,

You know,

Kind of just let it all out.

And it gets me every time.

That's well,

That's good.

That's awesome.

I have very thank you for sharing that.

Of course.

So I think that's one of the things about,

You know,

Movies.

You know,

People like to get lost in the emotions of it because it's not yours.

And it's on some level.

There's always a character you can probably relate to.

You can absolutely relate.

Like I can always relate to the character that had the difficult parent or boyfriend or whatever.

And that person didn't let them fly and didn't let them be who they wanted to be.

And then they finally said,

Well,

Fuck it,

I'm going to do it.

And that's I can relate to that.

I agree.

I do would love to have a movie or play or something that.

That is I know it's not glamorous and Hollywood has to be glamorous,

But something to the fact that traces a lot of this toxic childhood and the consequences of it into adulthood.

And.

Then follow up with healing on,

You know,

And reframing those experience,

I don't think it needs to be glamorous.

I don't think that's true anymore.

No,

I know.

I just was thinking out loud,

You know.

Yeah.

No,

I think there are so many great documentaries and great movies.

You know,

There's a movie,

The one that takes place in Florida with the I didn't see it because I'm afraid to see it because I think I'll just lose my mind.

I can't I can't get that emotional.

But it's about a woman.

It's about a couple of a girl,

I think,

That grows up and her mother is a drug addict and she kind of runs around by herself.

She's the parent.

It's very similar subject matter.

I can't remember what it's called now,

But it's a very serious movie about that.

And I think it's based on a true story.

So,

Yeah,

So it exists.

There are movies like that that deal with those kinds of mental issues and toxic parenting and stuff like that.

Definitely.

And they're not glamorous at all.

Right.

No,

I'd say that's what I you know,

I see.

Mommy dearest is probably the last glamorous one.

Exactly.

But,

You know,

I almost want that they can not a can.

A path at the end of the movie saying,

OK,

This is what they went through.

These are the consequences of what they went through.

And this was the start of the healing journey,

Like a series of aha moments.

Right.

That's pretty cool.

That's what everyone everyone has their own path.

That's the thing.

So what it gives is it inspires,

Inspires people.

Yeah.

To start their own path.

Yeah.

We're all searching for the journey to healing,

You know,

And everyone has a different way of doing it.

And we'd like to I'd like to think that our podcast is helping people have some of those aha moments.

So far,

We've helped,

I think,

2000.

Well,

That's pretty nice.

Two thousand downloads in 20 weeks.

Yes.

We've gotten some very,

Very nice.

Am I allowed to pat myself on the back?

Sure you can.

Can you reach?

We've gotten a lot of really nice comments and reviews.

Yeah.

And we appreciate it.

We really do.

Oh,

My God.

We appreciate all of you.

Yes.

I'm dancing in front of my computer when I see someone's.

Oh,

That episode resonated with me.

I do the twist.

I do the Tammy twin.

Nice twist.

So how do we how do we heal?

What's the what do we do when we're overly responsible?

Now,

We're probably talking to mostly adults who have been through what we've been through.

Well,

If there's a two year old listening,

That's grasp.

I want to meet them.

I do as I can make you with which really which.

So the last thing I want to cover before we go into that.

When you ask a codependent adults,

We get very disappointed.

Because we can read other people's minds when people can't read ours.

And that disappointment feels like rejection.

So looking through putting on the you know,

You have to do everything the way I do it lens.

Putting that one on.

And that definitely was something that.

I did.

If you weren't as hyper attuned and as hyper vigilant about the surroundings as I was,

I wanted to throat punch you.

And it didn't matter who you were.

My husband,

My parents,

My coworker,

My friend didn't matter.

So you had crazy unrealistic expectations of myself and everyone else around me.

The relationship you have with the world is the same relationship you have yourself.

So.

If how happy you are is directly tied to how much influence you have over the feelings,

The behavior of someone else,

That is a toxic pit to live in.

Absolutely.

It's never going to work.

So.

You have to look at what the origins of feeling so connected to how other people are.

And how other people are reacting and making,

Inserting yourself into or into that situation,

Because you're really not in that situation,

But you think you are.

So how do you become aware of the origins of that,

Though?

First thing is it is you need to realize,

As I did,

And it took a long time.

It is not your job to make other people happy and manage their feelings and behavior.

It is not your job to make other people happy and to manage their feelings and behavior.

People are responsible for themselves.

We find a lot of value in being overly responsible,

And it causes us deep pain.

Being that hero role cut you off from yourself.

And they cut you off from an authentic life because you are pretending to be something that you're not.

And it keeps toxic family patterns alive.

And someone has to wake up and let it go to benefit you.

The people you care about.

And future generations.

I have a great quote regarding that.

I'm listening.

It's by Ayn Rand in the book Atlas Shrugged.

Yeah.

And the quote is,

John Galt says,

I swear by my life and my love of it that I will never live for the sake of another man or expect another man to live for mine.

I love that quote.

And it's really accurate with this subject matter.

So thank you for sharing that.

Thank you,

Ayn Rand.

A big part of my healing journey is forgiving the little girl inside me for not knowing or understanding better.

And forgiving myself for not being the person that I wasn't supposed to be.

Everything,

You know,

With an overly responsible or,

You know,

Overachieving.

Or for being the person you weren't supposed to be.

For not being the person.

Because,

No.

I wasn't.

I couldn't do enough.

Yeah.

I couldn't feel my mother's pain.

I get it.

I couldn't fix enough.

I couldn't do it enough.

And I have to say,

I have to say,

I don't have that kind of power.

Yeah.

And that takes a lot of inner work.

It's very good to forgive yourself.

Yes,

It is.

And then you forgive other people.

You don't get as mad about things as the way I used to.

Right.

I think that's actually one of the steps,

Too.

One of the 12 steps for alcoholics.

Forgive yourself,

Forgive others.

That is true.

So when you release that inner child of this overly responsible role,

It's a huge step in breaking free of the toxic family patterns that have plagued most of our families for many generations.

So I am not responsible for my parents' happiness.

I could not stay in that role just because I felt bad about their toxic childhoods and their abusive experiences.

I can't fix it.

And I'm finally okay with not being able to fix it.

Hallelujah.

It's not my job to preserve a lie.

And it's no one else's job.

And what happens is preserving that lie and gripping tightly through these toxic family patterns,

It blocks you from being authentic,

Loving yourself,

Loving everyone around you,

Caring about yourself,

Trusting about yourself,

And respecting yourself as well as everyone else around you.

And it's like a full-time job trying to stay on top of everything that's not even your responsibility.

How can you do what you were meant to do in life or even figure out who you are if you have all these responsibilities for other people?

It's a big-time energy suck and leads to burnout.

So when you choose self-care,

Self-compassion,

And face the pain inside,

You can choose to be and do things that feel more authentic to you.

And then you can really begin to heal and discover who you were supposed to be before all that bags were put on your back.

Right.

And I have three articles that I've attached to the notes that talk about this subject in different ways,

And I hope you find them helpful.

That's great.

Wow.

Well,

That's it for this episode of The Stuck Stops here,

Overly-responsive bologna.

Oh,

Yes.

How do you spell bologna?

B-U-L-L-O-N-E-Y.

Bologna.

Not B-O-L-O-G-N-A.

My bologna has a first name.

It's M-O-T-H-E-R.

My bologna has a second name.

It's F-A-T-H-E-R.

I just made that up.

I love it.

I love it.

That's really funny.

And on that note,

Forgive yourself today,

And let's continue healing with The Stuck Stops here.

We will talk to you next time.

Have a great day.

Take back your bags,

I got myself a plan.

Take back your bags,

Cause I can barely stand.

And if I can't stand,

Then how can I walk?

And if I can't walk,

Then how can I run?

And if I can't run,

Cause I'm trapped inside.

The cage you built around my mind.

Oh,

Shame busted through and took a bite out of me.

I locked the door and threw away the key.

Oh,

Shame cut right through and brought me to my knees.

Black,

White,

Right,

Wrong,

Flight,

Fight,

Freeze.

Like a rocket on fire,

Always wanting more.

Dying for the outcome,

Lying on the floor.

I gotta face it,

I promise I must keep nothing but silence on this crowded street.

Oh,

Shame busted through and took a bite out of me.

I locked the door and threw away the key.

Oh,

Shame cut right through and brought me to my knees.

Oh,

Black,

White,

Right,

Wrong,

Flight,

Fight,

Freeze.

Oh.

Take back your bags,

I got myself a plan.

Take back your bags,

Cause I can barely stand.

And if I can't stand,

Then how can I walk?

And if I can't walk,

Then how can I run?

And if I can't run,

Cause I'm trapped inside.

The cage you built around my mind.

Reviews

Great thank you

I'm the one who other people always yell: you're welcome! After they open the door for me. I'm a freeze type. This was a fun discussion to listen to.

Thank you women- so helpful and real. Love the puns and the song too.
It’s a bit of a carousel- just a change of carnival.

You guys. 🥹🫶 All my love from a codependent adult child of an alcoholic malignant narcissist who married the nonalcoholic malignant homosexual narcissist version of the male who I found a gay email about 10 years ago (and still not over it), and he himself still denies it to this day.🕺🏻

Thank you thank you thank you❣️

Namaste 🙏✨🪬🌝

p.s. you’re both certified in my book! 🎓

OMG... how could I not know I am overly responsible and over scheduled! What an eye opener for me. As long as I can remember I’ve had low tolerance for irresponsible people and that is most of my family and some friends! This has caused me much anguish through my life. I could never understand why they could not just be responsible and do the right thing. I am doing a lot better in this area now. It just never occurred to me I was the source of much of my misery! I’m trying to concentrate on myself , doing for myself and saying no to most of the others and this seems to be working out pretty damn good for me!

Everything you mentioned in this episode related to me. How in the world can that be? This just blows my mind in a good way though! I’m learning so much more about myself and how to heal and repair my brokenness and I’m so fucking ready!!!

Have a great week ladies and I’ll see you next week. 💜💪✌️

So many AHA moments!

One of the most informative podcasts, explains so much, thank you!!

Absolutely loved this. It really hit home for me in terms of my own upbringing and overresponsibulloney! Love the song. Thanks for your authenticity.