Merry Helliday – Please Pass The Fault (Season 1)

Holidays are tough for people whose family ties are painful or non-existent. Culturally, we’re under assault with images of family harmony everywhere, and we feel alone in our diappointment and dread. Many of us still hope for a miracle—that our mother will love instead of sneer, that our father won’t be critical, that our siblings will embrace us, that that the get-together will look like a Norman Rockwell painting instead of a horrible ping-pong game of subtle put-downs and snide remarks.

Transcript

["All About You"] All about you,

All of the time ["All About You"] To find the truth is not a crime ["All About You"] To the victims it's no surprise ["All About You"] When the world believes the lies ["All About You"] Creating chaos and pulling strings ["All About You"] You charm the world with your shiny things ["All About You"] When I look ahead I smile and I see ["All About You"] A future that isn't a mess like me ["All About You"] Welcome to The Stuck Stops here.

I am Tammy Atman.

I'm LW Nolai and this is episode 8.

What do we call it?

Merry Helladay.

Please pass the fault.

Yes,

That's what it's called.

Cue the laughter.

So,

We go through Thanksgiving.

Yeah!

And now we have Christmas and New Years and all the other holidays that hit this time of year.

Are you fucking serious?

Yes,

I'm totally serious.

The eye roll,

The groans,

And having to deal with everything all over again.

Or not deal with it,

But feel guilty about it.

I was talking to somebody the other day and they were talking about their dad's wife.

I don't know if it's a stepmother or not,

But there were manipulative texts going back and forth as to when she was coming by and what kind of food she should bring.

She says,

I know it's little,

But I want to say it's not little.

Just because it seems like it's not a big deal and it's just a tiny little manipulative or a tiny little dig.

Death by a thousand cuts.

So,

She denies that she resented being manipulated and having a shot thrown at you because it was only about food and what time of coming over.

But it's a much larger issue.

It's what this wife or stepmom or whatever she was is trying to do.

Get a negative reaction because she herself is feeling bitter about something.

There's always a larger issue underlying,

Even if it's the littlest thing.

And that's what I want to talk about a little bit later in the episode on the healing journey and the healing the little things.

But everyone goes through that that has toxic families.

And the holidays become more of a silent battle and a manipulative war.

And then you resent everyone around you that's doing it.

You get angry with yourself.

And then the people that care about you are seeing you turn yourself inside and out.

And you're not able to just get through the day and the holidays and get through your job and manage all that without being honestly a mess at some point.

Do you think a lot of that went on this holiday season so far?

You know,

I bet it did.

I'm excited to have this life coach on today that is an expert.

She calls herself Reiki Rita.

Yeah,

And she's going to talk about tips to get through the toxic holidays.

Dealing with toxic families through the holidays.

I'd like to think that last week's episode with I Hate My Fucking Family really helped some people get through the holidays.

Maybe they had that in the back of their mind just to make them chuckle or feel a little bit better.

If you are humming that as you are being manipulated,

Guilted or controlled,

I hope it helped.

People would say,

What is that tune you're having?

It sounds so nice.

Just leave the lyrics out.

You don't want to know.

How about this one instead?

Jingle bells,

Jingle bells,

Happy holiday.

So much fun to deny all our doubt and shame.

Whoa,

Who was that sleigh bell player?

Rudolph.

Rudolph,

Those phenomenal sleigh bell playing.

Rudolph the rage-aholic.

The angry reindeer.

That's why his nose was red.

Because he was pissed.

All right,

Enough horsing around.

Nay.

Again with the horse.

Cue the horse.

I'm into my fifth year of my healing journey.

And I point that out because it is a journey and I like to equate it to recovering from unhealthy emotional addictions.

So when people say they're five years sober,

Five years drug free,

Which is fantastic and wonderful,

I almost want people who begin their healing journey,

Who are in their healing journey,

Or who want to be one to quantify it so that they can be proud and feel good about putting some distance between them and what happened to them.

That's a really great idea.

That's why I say I'm in my fifth year.

It's like when people are former alcoholics,

Recovering alcoholics,

And they get that chip.

We should do that for healing.

How about a necklace that says I hate my fucking family?

No,

For the healing it has to say like five years mentally stable.

Wait,

Five years with no rage.

Oh,

That's pretty good.

Or hidden rage.

That's pretty good.

So I want to share some of the information that I've acquired and discovered in all my research and my recovery.

So the healing process involves unlearning survival strategies and learning to see life and situations as they really are rather than how you think it should be.

And that process is ugly.

It's not bubble baths.

It's not aromatherapy.

It's,

You know,

Not a drum circle.

It's accountability,

Which brings guilt and is getting to the root of your issues,

Which can be triggering and intense.

Sometimes really hard to face.

Very,

Very.

Because I'm going to repeat something from an earlier episode.

Through the first 18 years of our lives,

Our toxic families had 6,

570 days to shame,

Ignore,

Criticize,

Control,

And manipulate.

That is 160,

000 hours of soul destruction inserted into our minds,

Which forced us to create a false self.

And this false self was based on a foundation of survival strategies that blocked any connection to who you were really supposed to be.

So to find out who you were really supposed to be,

You have to unlearn those survival strategies.

So it's almost like you got detoured,

You know,

Where you were heading kind of took you on a tangent away from where you should have headed.

There's three things,

You know,

That I see that are consequences of being raised in a toxic family.

I labeled the damage that they have done as normal and accepted as my fault.

Because there's no way you would look at your parents at three and four years old and say,

Oh,

They're horrible,

I'm great.

You don't start off hating your parents,

You start off hating yourself.

And you have nothing to compare it to,

You don't know any other household.

And because of that damage,

You learn to misread pretty much everything.

You misread words,

You misread people,

You misread situations,

And you misread yourself.

And that destroys any ability to live as an emotionally healthy adult.

I'm living proof of that.

And the third and last that,

You know,

I've discovered is you I felt that I was born to be used by other people.

And that's a very common that's very common consequence of narcissistic parents or or toxically self-absorbed.

So when you raise,

You know,

Codependent children,

You are robbed of any courage and strength to to look inward because everything is externally based.

Well,

If you believe that your purpose in life is to serve other people,

Then it sort of goes against that to think about your own serving.

You know,

You would do.

There's no way to know.

There is absolutely no way to know.

And that's what I'm hoping when,

You know,

Being,

You know,

Considering,

You know,

The stuck stops here as a doorway or a starting line for a path to healing.

That's,

You know,

People start the healing and recovery process and it's very easy to get derailed.

And that will happen on occasion.

You will slip back into your own old ways.

But that slip up or that,

You know,

One step backward is part of grieving that childhood loss.

And that's very painful because when you realize that you were robbed of any chance to be who you really were supposed to be.

It's painful to make space to feel that anger and shame.

You know,

I think about some of these,

You know,

Mistakes that I made over and over again in different situations.

And I feel silly that I didn't have the wisdom then that I do now.

And that's not the right way to feel.

I'm just being honest.

Are you able to forgive yourself for those mistakes?

As long as I continue to read,

To think,

To learn and evolve.

Yes.

But I can't always stay,

You know,

Spiritually and emotionally in one place because it's very easy to slip back.

You know,

I equate it to,

You know,

Those an addiction.

You have to continue to work at staying away from those addictions.

It feels like this healing process is like pulling yourself out of a deep pit.

You know,

You've fallen to this deep pit or maybe you were put there by your situation,

Your parents,

And then you spend your life trying to climb out of it.

And it's so much work.

It's so hard to pull yourself up and get out of it.

It's very hard because you,

You know,

When toxic families and you have toxic childhoods,

You are compulsively addicted to self soothing.

And whether that becomes,

You know,

When that gets translated into,

You know,

Drugs,

Food,

Money,

Career,

Material things.

There's so many different ways,

You know,

Gambling.

And there's so many different ways the self soothing,

Compulsive behaviors manifest themselves.

And sometimes it's not obvious.

And then,

You know.

But the good news is,

Even though that sounds so grim,

The good news is that as you start the journey,

It does become easier.

You do end up feeling a little bit lighter each time a boulder rolls off your shoulder,

Each time you make a discovery or,

You know,

Find a concept that makes sense to you.

You do start to rise.

You know,

It helps you kind of come out of that pit and rise.

So all those manipulative texts that I may receive or anyone else receives or any kind of passive aggressive games other people play,

It no longer affects me because we talked about being handed a bag of shit in previous episodes.

I'm just not going to take the bag of shit.

True.

But if you believe you were born to be used by others.

Sure.

I'll take more bags of shit.

I'll take another boulder on my shoulder.

And where do you put all that shit?

It's how much storage space do we have?

But processing that.

All that emotional neglect and emotional abuse usually means you have to relive it.

And that is really difficult.

But it is worth it because when you embrace what happened to you as not your fault and you move past that pain.

You get a little clarity that allowed you to be pulled towards what you want instead of pushing away.

What you don't want.

And that's a completely different ways of living.

Also,

When you relive it as a more enlightened person,

Understanding what's going on and understanding where you've come from,

You relive it more as a warrior rather than as a victim.

A peaceful warrior.

Yes.

Yes,

That is true.

Great analogy.

It's it's a habit to think our way around childhood wounds,

The emotional wounds,

The neglect,

Instead of feeling our way through them.

When you think away,

You're thinking of an escape.

You're not dealing.

What can I do to feel better?

What can I do to soothe myself immediately?

And that's what that is.

Whether that's winning a road race or or getting a promotion and getting doing all that stuff is great.

If it if it's you know,

You're authentically connected to those things and it's not a source of comfort,

Of comfort,

Like an exclusive source of comfort,

Because there's that only last so long.

It's temporary,

Right?

It won't last long enough.

It won't last long.

So.

And one of the problems with emotional abuse and emotional neglect is that we can never point to anything.

There's no scar.

There's no bruise.

Everything's on the inside.

All I knew all those years is I was lonely.

And it hurts.

And I equate it to that white space between those pictures in the photo album.

It's a backdrop.

And what's what goes on in between those smiles in the pictures?

What's that white space all about?

So.

All these wounds that we have have to be healed because it does fester.

And when we.

Don't heal these blocked off painful parts of ourselves.

You are.

I feel how I did with chronic feelings of confusion,

Anger,

Sadness,

And that eventually leads to anxiety,

Depression,

Physical illness and mental illness as a result.

One of the websites I'm linking,

You know,

I'm going to link to is called Loner Wolf dot com.

And they say behind every headache is a heartache.

Which I find totally accurate.

And I have a link to their website because I found it really helpful.

That's really good.

And with that,

We'll take a break.

To move.

Oh,

Yeah.

Inside the star.

We saw the plane.

Followed the light and discarded the shame.

Step to the bail and then it was clear.

The road back to me begins right here.

The road back to me.

And we're back.

This is L.

W.

Nolai and Tammy Atman.

And we're here to introduce Rita Roberts.

Rita wrote a book called Parents with Price Tags.

It's heal yourself of family dysfunction and learn to love your children unconditionally.

What a fantastic concept.

And Rita is an intuitive healer,

A teacher and a spiritual life coach.

Welcome,

Rita.

Thank you so much.

Hi,

Jeremy.

Hi,

Lisa.

Thank you for having me.

Absolutely.

So tell us about your book,

Parents with Price Tags and why you wrote it.

OK,

So basically I think I started the healing process.

Well,

Before I even go there,

I would go.

I felt a little different in my family,

My siblings.

So I think that difference really stood out after I got divorced.

I started to do something self healing on myself.

And while I was going through that,

I started to share some of my stories with my clients.

And I realized that my story wasn't unique.

There was a lot of other people suffering,

I think,

For their own family.

So I thought,

Well,

Perhaps this needs to be a book.

And a lot of the dysfunction I talk about is actually very subtle dysfunction.

And now I didn't go off with an obvious dysfunction like I'll call with parents or abusive parents.

There was more of an emotional thing.

So it sort of started off the journaling turned into a book.

And I like to think that that's a love letter.

It's not a,

I think,

My parents sort of thing.

So did you write this book after you became a life coach?

This was actually sort of in the midst.

I was always doing breaking and energy healing,

But I was never a life coach.

But what was interesting is when I actually thought I became a life coach.

I was telling my clients,

My Reiki clients,

That I was a life coach and they just laughed.

Because they said,

Rita,

You're always coaching that.

You're always giving us bowls of wisdom.

So I went,

OK.

So I had sort of discovered that about myself.

So you were a life coach before you even became a life coach?

Pretty much.

Pretty much.

I've always thought about sort of deeper thinking and that sort of awareness on life and consciousness.

So that's sort of what happened.

And then when I was going through that part of me when I didn't really like who I was,

I felt like I was unhappy and I had no clue why.

And I just started to peel back the layers,

Do some work on myself.

And I realized that this has been going on for a very long time.

Right into my childhood.

You know,

The funny thing is,

It's not something that is outstanding or different.

I was a very sensitive child.

So the way my parents raised me,

A typical European family,

Was no different than what's going on.

Ninety percent of the families are there.

However,

Each child is very unique.

And their idea and concept of love and feeling loved is very different.

So I want to help parents become conscious of that,

Become aware of that.

That's really a fantastic goal.

Are your parents from America or were they born in Europe?

They were born in Malta,

Actually close to Italy.

So we have a lot of that sort of European philosophy.

So the concept of many scallions is arming to a parent.

If I have a roof over your head,

Food on the table,

And shoes on your feet.

So a generation ago,

Back when I grew up,

I'm in my 50s,

You know,

That's what parents knew.

It's really not about blaming them.

It's about helping them.

So they didn't pay attention to the emotional needs of a child.

It was more focusing on the physical needs.

So I call that,

Right?

Yeah,

Well,

I was going to say I can relate to that because my parents are both,

Were both Eastern European.

So,

You know,

Growing up as an American child with parents who are from Eastern Europe is,

I found it always to be quite different than some of my friends who had American parents.

Isn't that interesting?

So it's,

There's definitely cultural influence as well.

Yes.

But it was more about working hard,

Paying the bills,

Keeping a roof over your head.

And you know what?

That's not bad.

But I call that responsible parenting.

Right?

They're missing,

They got it about half right.

Right.

That's right.

They never sat down,

They never sat down and said,

You know,

Rita,

Tell us,

Tell us how you feel about this.

Right.

Right.

And then when I put that onus upon myself,

That's when the journey began.

And that's when all the kerfuffle sort of started.

Right?

So needless to say,

They weren't happy about the book launching.

But I feel that the truth can only set people free into a place of love and authenticity.

And how could you not dissolve happiness from there?

So,

You know,

We might.

So looking at ourselves is not always something we would want to do.

But in order to,

You know,

We have to do it.

Agreed.

I feel recruited.

I feel wired to do this and to help put a stop to harmful family dysfunction.

Rita,

I love the concept and I love the title of the book.

My question is I talk about the healing process,

You know,

A lot.

Not being linear,

Being difficult,

But worth it.

How long was it from the time you got divorced to the time you published this book?

Probably about 14 years.

So to be honest with you,

I can imagine that.

I can imagine that.

But worth it,

Right?

Right.

Absolutely.

Well,

I didn't set out to,

You know,

It wasn't one of my intentions,

It sort of just happened.

And when you're in that sort of spiritual flow,

Things get out and you're guided to do things at different times in your life.

Right.

So I know that there's another book inside of me,

But it's not ready to be launched yet.

So at this time,

I'm,

You know,

Sort of working through this process and my goal right now is awareness.

To bring the concept up that you have choices.

You know,

It's that old cliche,

You know,

You can choose your friends but not your family.

Well,

I'm challenging that,

You know.

But yes,

We are born into people,

However we have choices and,

You know,

We're allowed to follow those dreams and be the authentic person we're meant to be.

So,

Yeah,

You know,

I'm expected to have a little,

You know,

Challenges along the way because it's a new concept.

Even what you're doing as well,

You know,

Spreading the word,

Bringing awareness,

That it's okay to speak your truth amongst your family.

Right.

And being who you are.

That's probably the hardest part,

I think,

Speaking your truth with your family.

I think so.

And I think the biggest thing with parents is they have to realize that this isn't about playing,

You know.

Basically there's two approaches in life.

We either focus on fear or we focus on loss.

Agree.

And parents start out with good intentions.

They start out on initially loving their child.

What ends up happening is as a child begins to get older and step into their self,

Become more authentic,

They become,

For unconscious parents,

They become more of a challenge to them because they can't control them anymore.

Right.

So,

You know,

For a lot of old school parents,

Control was love.

Right.

It was keeping them safe.

But,

You know,

So it's educating some educational piece to teach them.

And that control is not love.

That love is just love.

Yes.

And to go back to that.

Rita,

When you have clients coming to you for Reiki,

Would you say the majority of them or a great deal of them have these kinds of childhood difficulties growing up or had them?

Absolutely.

So I'm not sure if you're a you your audience is aware of energy healing,

But basically energy on all levels,

Physical,

Mental,

Emotional,

Spiritual.

What I have found in my 15 years of practicing energy healing is there's a huge profound shift to people coming with emotional issues,

Mental health and emotional issues.

And when I peel back the layers and work with them,

It always goes back to their roots.

It's always about.

So there's a huge increase in people with anxiety,

Depression,

Suicidal thoughts.

And now those those adults are actually bringing their children with the same issues.

Why?

Well,

That's why I started to think there's a pattern here.

We need to go back and see why these kids have been raised with fear and not luck.

Like what the shift is.

And I know what the shift is now.

So,

Rita,

How is how is your relationship with your parents evolved over the past 14 years?

That's a really good question.

So first,

It was sort of a roller coaster,

You know,

Because I get it really hit the fan when I got divorced because my parents are not divorced.

So people that have never been divorced and I call it another degree of dysfunction where the family foundation breaks.

So people have never been divorced.

No idea about the hurt and pain and anguish that comes along with it.

So when I became,

You know,

Female divorce mother with three children,

It really confused my parents because when I was growing up,

I was actually the good child.

I was the obedient child,

The straight A student.

I was,

You know,

Pretty near perfect.

So for me to present them with all the things that I did,

You know,

I married the perfect guy,

Looked good on paper.

So they were happy with that.

So then when I divorced the good guy,

I looked at on paper,

They did it so well.

Did they blame you for trying to hurt them by getting divorced?

Did you say,

Why are you hurting us?

Why are you doing this to us?

Well,

I don't know if they directed it that way,

But they did the,

They didn't say the words of their actions said not because instead of supporting me,

They started to befriend my ex.

So that took on a whole other hurtful sort of dimension for our relationship.

Right.

So then there was a,

That's why I'm actually focusing on divorce families first through the healing process.

There's literally two tiers going out to their dysfunctional home and then creating your own dysfunction through divorce.

So they're extremely wounded people that are divorced,

Not for sissies,

That's for sure.

So the conscious divorce parent,

Is that your new,

Is that sort of the new project you're working on?

The new book?

Yes,

Actually it's not a book,

It's actually an online program that I'm creating so that people all over the world would have access to emotional healing.

And I do it in a very unique way in the sense that I relate to energy,

Right?

So people can relate to that.

And I relate to love and fear.

So it's actually,

It's an emotional evolution program designed for parents specifically,

And it's got four stages to it.

So the first stage is awareness.

You know,

You can't pick something until you know about what the problem is.

So awareness.

The second step is emotional freedom.

You actually heal all those negative emotions and pain that you're dealing with.

Third stage is self love and it's emotional empowerment.

You learn how to go back to loving yourself the way your parents should have done that for you.

And then finally,

The master class is emotional intelligence.

We're actually teach parents how to coach them,

You know,

How to communicate effectively.

Watch the words that you're singing.

Look at your child's body language.

You know,

Be conscious.

Be aware.

Don't be distracted by the telephone.

So there's an evolutionary process.

That sounds like a wonderful and necessary program.

Thank you.

Thank you.

And just to go back to your previous question.

The way that I sound to deal with toxic,

Hurtful people,

The only way to deal with them is you have to become more emotionally involved than that person.

You see what I mean?

Because if one is angry and you're angry,

You're on the same plane as you are.

So you're going to lose energy doing your pain or resentment.

So when you're an emotionally bold person,

Doesn't mean that you don't feel things or ever get angry.

You recognize right away what you're feeling and you have the tools to manage it and to communicate in a more effective,

Loving way so that you hold your power.

You don't lose energy.

So,

Rita,

As a child,

Did you see yourself as either codependent or the golden child?

Definitely not the golden child.

I sort of fell into the good child.

The one that my parents didn't have to worry about.

You were the lost child.

Yeah,

I sort of got neglected a lot.

Like when I say neglected,

I mean,

Emotionally neglected.

And I was also a super sensitive child.

Always was.

Very empathetic.

And that's sort of what's happening with a lot of the children in the 21st century.

A lot of these children,

People are calling them entitled,

But they're actually very super sensitive.

So parents no longer have the option to ignore their emotional needs.

So I sort of fell into that.

I was the forgotten middle child who was super sensitive and could take care of herself.

So in my parents defense,

I have four sisters,

One of which is handicapped.

So she needed a lot of attention.

But when you're a child,

You don't realize that,

Nor do you care.

So I prepare parents to have the appropriate amount of energy to devote to each and every one of their children.

So that you're not playing favorites without knowing it.

So Rita,

Do you have any suggestions or words of wisdom for people coping with toxic parents for the holidays?

Yes,

I have a couple of tools and tips that people could use that I still use today.

So again,

Before you could fix things,

I always say,

Sorry,

Before you change things,

Try to fix things.

But,

You know,

There's going to be a lot of people going to Christmas dinners with their families through obligation.

And for me,

That's pretty sad,

Because it should be an invitation,

Not an obligation.

So an invitation,

When we're invited somewhere,

It means that those people actually want us there.

They want our energy and our authenticity to be present in that celebration.

But when we don't feel lovely,

We feel more animosity,

It becomes an obligation.

So until people are ready to step into your home,

I've got a couple of tools and tips that I used when I was still in that phase of going to my family at Christmas,

But not really wanting to be there in spirit.

Right?

Yeah.

So,

Yeah,

We can all relate.

So I do a lot of,

Probably actually about five steps.

There's one that I use with the calming breath.

Right?

So a lot of times when we're scared or nervous or stressed or hyperventilating.

So what you want to do is three calming breaths.

Breathing in,

Envision you're breathing in beautiful white calming energy through your head and your crown and then out through your feet.

Envision all the stress,

Negativity,

Anger,

Whatever you're feeling,

Leaving your energetic feel through the bottom of your feet like a puff of black smoke.

So in comes the white calming,

Out goes the stress through the feet.

Do that three times and your body will naturally start to calm down.

That's a good one.

The other thing I do,

Yeah,

So that's very helpful.

The other thing is envision yourself in a bubble of white calming energy.

Feel like a puffy cloud.

Step into it and know that,

I know maybe your body has a lot of energy.

However,

When you envision white energy around you,

Nothing negative can penetrate that.

So you're protected and you're safe.

Now I put that to the test many,

Many times.

You know,

People,

Native people can't handle that amount of white or positivity.

So they'll actually divert away from you.

It's quite powerful.

Wow,

I love that one.

Yeah.

And then the other thing is have good intentions when you're going there.

Try to make the best.

Like,

Don't go in already,

You know,

Ready for a fight.

Try to accept that.

I'm going in with good intentions.

What I also do is out universe,

God,

Whatever you believe in,

To be with you during that time.

Right.

So ask for help is what I'm saying.

Ask all the energy around you to be with you,

To guide you with the words that you say and the people that you talk to.

Right.

And then the last few things are basically a ticket out.

None of those work.

Okay.

So the kids always remember to guard your energy.

Right.

Because when your energy is low,

You attract fear and anger and all those negative things.

So the other thing I do as well is thanks to the use of the iPhone,

We all have timers.

Set a timer for yourself,

Depending on how toxic the environment is.

If you know that after an hour of all that nonsense,

You're just going to lose your marbles,

Touch your cloth for an hour.

If you can handle too good on you and have it beep.

So that is almost like,

You know,

When you're on a bad date and you get your girlfriend to call you to get you out.

And it's not working.

Right.

You're giving it to yourself.

Yeah.

So you're going to have to set that timer when the alarm goes off and that's sort of a comfort to yourself.

Is it time for me to leave or can I do another half an hour?

You know,

So sort of a sort of a ticket out if you need it.

That's really good.

You know,

I think knowing that there's a sort of a time limit can sort of put the control back into your hands of how long you want to.

Yeah,

That's good.

Yes,

Exactly.

And the very loud.

Yeah,

Very loud.

Yeah.

If you really feel that you can't handle it or you're starting to lose your composure and you have to move yourself.

That's pretty much it.

Wow.

Those are great.

Those are great tips.

I hope our listeners will take those into account because they're excellent tips on how to navigate getting through the holidays with your toxic families.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Rita,

It's been a pleasure speaking with you.

We're going to put a link to your book and your program in our show notes so that people can access it and and find out more and read Parents with Price Tags.

I really we really appreciate speaking with you and hearing your your tips and your story.

It really meant a lot.

Thank you so much,

Tammy.

Thank you,

Rita.

It was my greatest pleasure to get the word out and to offer some hope and inspiration because I remember those days.

And,

You know,

It's tough.

It's not easy.

So whatever I could do to help is my greatest pleasure.

And I wish you all much.

Thank you.

It's great to have a supportive environment,

A supportive community that can help that we can all go through it together.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

So I wish you all the best.

And thank you again for this opportunity.

It's been my greatest pleasure.

Thank you,

Rita.

Happy holiday.

Happy holidays.

Bye bye.

So we were just speaking with Reiki Rita.

That's Rita Roberts.

She wrote a book called Parents with Price Tags.

And she has a Web site.

What's the Web site,

Tammy?

The functional family dot C.

A.

Yeah.

And she talks about she has a program actually that will help people who are going through divorce navigate the whole process,

Which most people know is a terrible process.

So how interesting that,

You know,

The virus of generational dysfunction can be found in Malta.

And we think we're alone and we're not.

It's you know,

It's interesting growing up with European parents.

It's it's very I remember always thinking with my friends who had American parents that we had a very different upbringing.

I always felt like my parents were really,

Really overprotective.

And I didn't see that as much in my friends who had American parents.

I it's funny when I think about,

You know,

Growing up and looking at other families,

You know,

I was surrounded by families that were very different from mine.

They were,

You know,

Large families,

You know,

Four,

Five,

Six,

Seven children,

Just very different.

Everybody,

You know,

Stayed married.

And I always envied it.

You know,

The big family.

And I always,

You know,

Felt like I was on the outside looking in.

Then after I went to college,

You start hearing stories that,

You know,

These families were covering up a lot.

Sure.

Whether it was,

You know,

Alcoholism or affairs or other things,

Family secrets.

Yeah.

And it wasn't all,

You know,

Aromatherapy and bubble black bubble baths,

Which I thought it was.

After this,

I'm going to take an aromatherapy bubble bath.

From the tub!

Maybe that's what we should do during the holidays.

Everybody sits in a tub of bubbles and aromatherapy.

How can you be mad at each other?

I mean,

It'll be a little strange,

But,

You know,

We'll get into that weirdness later.

So Rita gave us some really excellent tips on how to navigate the holidays.

If you have Christmas or Hanukkah or Kwanzaa or any of those holidays coming up where you spend time when you have to,

In quotations,

Spend time with families that you may not necessarily get along with.

And I really I thought her tips were fantastic.

So one of them is to breathe,

That breathe in this white light,

Which I think is amazing.

And she also mentioned being picturing yourself in a bubble filled with white light,

Which I started to picture myself in and it felt pretty good.

I was like the girl in the bubble.

I was thinking of being in a latte.

I think of white,

I think of steamed milk.

Yes,

Seriously.

Get in that latte.

I'm in a latte.

I'm good.

The next thing she said was to go into it with good intentions.

So don't go there expecting a fight or expecting to be discussing politics.

Please don't.

And go in there with good intentions and ask for help from the universe,

Whatever higher power you believe in.

Ask for help and strength.

God,

Give me the strength or higher power.

Good intentions means I'm not going to accept the bag of crap.

I'm going to hand it back to you without getting angry.

But also maybe you don't expect it to happen.

I mean,

I'm not saying we should go in as dreamers thinking suddenly everybody's going to change around us,

But changing yourself.

So going in and just with pure good intentions,

Not expecting the fight.

And not reacting if they try to start.

Correct.

I like her suggestion.

She said something very good.

She said to guard your energy.

Guard your energy.

I love that.

He's a warrior.

Always guarding the energy.

Absolutely.

I feel like positive experiences are so important to me,

For me and my husband and kids,

That I'm always trying to sort of guard the psyche so we have positive experiences.

The next thing,

Set a timer.

So if you think you can tolerate this situation for half an hour,

An hour,

Two hours,

Set a timer.

That way you know that the timer's going to go off and then it's time to go.

How about pulling a fire alarm?

Now everybody has to leave.

The minute the arguments get,

Quote,

Unquote,

Heated,

You pull the fire alarm and that's the timer.

Who has a fire alarm in their house?

I was just thought of.

Maybe in school.

Are you in school?

My edit button's broken.

No filter.

That suggestion.

Don't listen to me.

Don't pull the fire alarm.

But do set a timer if you know that after a certain point you can't take it.

I agree with her.

Yeah.

And then if it just becomes too much,

Then just leave.

It comes time where you can just leave and that's okay.

And what was the last one?

Was there one more?

Leave.

Leave?

Once you leave,

There's nothing more.

I thought not going.

Was that one?

No,

Not going was not one.

Not one.

That could be an option though.

It's always an option I guess,

But then maybe you feel like- Guilty.

That's true.

Not guilty necessarily,

But alone.

That is true.

I don't know.

So that's the fun part about being an adult is you can make those kinds of decisions to leave or to set a timer or to picture yourself in a bubble of white latte.

All the above.

Absolutely.

And with that,

We're going to say goodbye to episode eight.

Again,

Mary Heladay,

Please pass the vault.

Bye.

See you next time.

The road back to me begins right here.

Reviews

🙏❤️ Thank you - very helpful , especially for me the part where you mention how parents are so preoccupied with all the physical needs of the child that they end up ignoring the emotional needs of the child.

Great suggestions on how to use self awareness, self love and spirituality to surround myself if I choose to enter into my brothers narcissist realm that him and his wife, the boss, have reinforced and perpetuate through their children

Wow, this resonated with me so much, I'm going to return these bags of 💩I've been handed back to those who tossed them to me!! I was NOT born for people to use. Thank you so much!! 🙏🏻😊

Great advice and tips for those of us that still have to endure any holiday or special occasion with the dreaded people that make it hell. Lucky for me I haven’t spent any with my parents except New Years Day to eat peas and collards. That’s the only holiday I will give them just because I like the menu for the day!! 🤪😋😜