Welcome to the Stuck Stops Here,
A podcast devoted to cycle breakers.
We want to celebrate and empower those who have woken up and decided that toxic,
Generational dysfunction can end with you.
My name is Tammy Atman and I hit rock bottom in 2014.
And during those moments of despair,
I decided change was my only option.
Emotional abuse,
Both covert and overt,
Is contagious and leaves invisible scars.
The next generation deserves better than what we got.
Join me and my amazing co-host and producer,
LW,
As we have raw and real conversations,
Infused with bad words and humor,
Designed to inspire awareness,
Acceptance and strength.
We are not therapists and have no clinical training.
You are not alone.
Healing does not happen in isolation.
Together,
All of us can break the familial chains of shame,
Guilt,
Fear and blame.
Our Stuck can stop here.
Her eyes drill a nasty hole through me.
It's been a year since we've been in the same room.
The mother wound festers.
There is no escape.
I breathe deeply and frenetically recall everything I've learned.
And I am desperate to deploy these newly acquired coping skills.
Put on my healing hat.
Take off that angry child hat.
None of this is easy.
Her life sucks.
It's not my fault,
But it feels like it.
Her deafness,
Her shame about being deaf,
Is killing her.
Slowly.
And right now it is choking me.
One,
Two,
Three.
Breathe.
I frantically dig deep to diffuse this searing,
Invisible pain that floods my heart,
Mind and soul.
Only 12 more hours until I can return to me.
I laugh quietly because I've put my nerd hat on.
And I'm thinking about what's happening to my amygdala and vagus nerve right now.
She asks me 50 more questions about people I haven't seen in years.
She is unconsciously begging me to fill her up and fill her in.
She talks incessantly about crap that happened 50 years ago.
She is empty.
Or worse than that.
Deteriorating.
Her choices and her husband's choices have eviscerated all hope.
So that's what it looks like.
I shouldn't be shocked.
I've been there.
But I am shocked.
Watching her spirit slowly shrink and limp away is painful.
And I feel ashamed that I am contributing to it with my low contact.
But I am not.
All the books tell me I'm not.
But in a way,
I am.
This is the part of the healing journey that hurts.
I wince on the inside.
Breathe.
It's almost time to leave.
This is the most honest thing I have written,
Said or thought.
I didn't realize how much the book I wrote a few years ago sucked.
It was authentic in that it captured where I was on my healing journey.
And then I read Glennon Doyle's book,
Untamed.
And I realized how much more work I have to do.
And how much more honesty and introspection I have to cultivate.
I realize now how much deeper I need to dig.
In a way,
I feel I've been unfair to my listeners.
And for that,
I am sorry.
I did the best I could with where I was at.
And then I am reminded in every book I have read,
There is always this same recurring message.
You can only meet people where they are at,
Not where you're at.
Acceptance plays a big role in that.
And so does awareness.
Every step along my healing journey brings new surprises,
New knowledge,
New skills.
I will never be done.
And that is finally okay.
In March of 2020,
My youngest daughter and her teammates experienced horrific emotional abuse from their coach of a Division 1 athletic team.
It was a sickening combination of narcissism,
Toxic leadership,
Gaslighting,
And verbal abuse.
And I was crushed by this experience,
As there was nothing I could do about it.
I witnessed I was a spectator of my daughter,
Getting the exact same treatment that I received throughout my entire childhood from her coach.
I worked so hard to make sure neither of my children ever had to experience guilt trips,
Manipulation,
And horrific verbal and emotional abuse.
And here we were.
The panic attacks that disappeared over 30 years ago came back.
The anxiety and depression that I had diffused just a few short years ago before I wrote my first book returned with a vengeance.
I could not think straight or sleep much,
Much less do a podcast.
I had to disappear.
After a couple of months,
When this coaching situation resolved itself,
I accepted a full-time job.
And also sold my house in the suburbs and moved to the city in 2021.
But now I am back.
I'm all done fixing you,
Going someplace else.
A little gray brings out the sun.
No when to stay,
No when to run.
The mess is yours,
I'm all done.
Rise,
Baby,
Rise.
You denied all that was me,
Slowly tearing at the seams.
Nobody lives and nobody dreams.
Rise,
Baby,
Rise.
One way conversation,
No one satisfied.
Built myself a cage with rotten things inside.
Knees against my mouth,
Ready for the ride.
Back to where it started with nothing left to hide.
A little gray brings out the sun.
No when to stay,
No when to run.
The mess is yours,
I'm all done.
Rise,
Baby,
Rise.
You denied all that was me,
Slowly tearing at the seams.
Nobody lives,
Nobody dreams.
Rise,
Baby,
Rise.
One and a lot.
Long road,
My heart weight.
Rise,
Baby,
Rise.
One and a lot.
One and a lot,
Once and enough.
I'm one and a half miles away.
We can't have more.
I'm one and a half miles away.
Rise,
Baby,
Rise.
One and a lot,
Once and enough.
I'm one and a lot.
A long road.
A long road.
To dig deep and dive in so we can stop the stuck.
