Heal In Place. Fill Your still. (Toxic Shame)

Toxic shame infects every part of your mind, body and soul and will severely damage your spirit and identity. It often begins in childhood and as adults, distorts reality and leaves us totally unable to see anything or anyone as they really are. I lacked a sense of self and was dominated by my false-self, which I created. My false self was a chaotic combination of survival skills, defense mechanisms and poor coping strategies all developed as a reaction to being emotionally abused.

Transcript

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

Quote by Benjamin Franklin.

We are all collectively experiencing fear and anxiety over what is happening in the world today.

I am using this time of reflection to nurture my recently discovered life purpose of sharing the resources I used on my healing journey which began in 2014.

My name is Tammy Atman and my podcast is called The Stuck Stops Here.

Many of us right now are sheltering in place with no distractions and also no escape.

This forced stillness can be torturous and painful for those still grappling with the effects of a toxic childhood.

I am hoping to alleviate some of that pain by providing information to you that helped me and I hope it is a doorway to your own healing journey or that it is the wind at your back if you are already on a path to authentic spiritual healing.

Today's podcast is about toxic shame.

Toxic shame eats away at your spirit and soul,

Crushing positive energy out of us and allowing negative life forces like self hate to take over.

We shrink.

We feel like we mean nothing.

We feel we are nothing.

As a result of toxic shame passed down through generations in my family,

I believed I was unlovable.

I didn't matter.

Everything was my fault.

I can't do anything right.

I'm a bad person.

My needs and feelings are not important.

I can't be my real self around others.

I have to hide my true emotions.

I am never good enough.

Guilt and shame are not the same.

Guilt says I did something wrong.

Shame says I am something wrong.

It is very common for shame ridden people to suffer from chronic anxiety,

Anger and low self esteem.

Some people cope by hurting themselves through emotional self sabotage or physical harm or hurting others maybe through narcissistic behavior or physical abuse.

Shame,

If treated,

Infects every part of your mind,

Body and soul and severely damages your spirit and identity.

Society begins in childhood and as adults distorts reality and leaves us totally unable to see anything or anyone as they really are.

I lacked a sense of self and was dominated by the false self that I created.

My false self was a chaotic combination of survival skills,

Defense mechanisms and poor coping strategies.

All were developed as a reaction to being emotionally abused.

If we don't heal,

We unconsciously attract shame to us.

We will self loathe,

Self hate,

Self sabotage and all those characteristics keep people stuck in a bad place,

Physically sick or makes them depressed.

We attract this unconsciously by being with people or in situations or in relationships and to work environments that trap us in a never ending cycle of anger,

Sadness,

Disappointment and loneliness.

All of my parents had various personality disorders and they lived in denial.

They raised me to believe I was the crazy and broken one,

Not them.

Toxicy shame says I did bad.

Toxic shame says I am bad.

Toxic shame leaves invisible scars.

I could never really admit that what happened to me was emotionally abusive.

My mother had a toxic childhood.

I always felt bad for her.

I wanted my biological dad to admit that he was sorry he abandoned me.

If he did,

Then I could give up the illusion that it was all my fault.

I was convinced people had endured so much worse than I had,

Such as physical abuse and sexual abuse.

I told myself it really wasn't that bad and so the toxic family patterns continued to destroy me from the inside out.

I was ashamed to think of myself as a victim.

I spent decades nurturing a false self to avoid these feelings of disgust and humiliation and I often compared myself to other people.

My mother and stepfather taught me how to do that and sadly I became an expert.

I was raised to believe that not only do I make mistakes but at my very core I am a mistake.

That's what toxic parents raise you to believe,

Mostly unconscious.

They tell you,

They teach you,

If you are truly seen,

The world will judge you.

I developed destructive emotional beliefs,

Self-loathing,

Chronic guilt,

Suppressed anger,

Never feeling good enough and all of that led to anxiety,

Depression,

Codependency,

Poor decision-making skills,

Lack of boundaries and being overly sensitive to other people's perceptions and opinions.

I was a stressed out hyper-controlling perfectionist.

All of my parents were filled with shame from their toxic childhoods and as a result they passed them on to me.

I ended up in a state of total collapse in 2014 and I had to make a choice at that point,

Change or die because living with my broken self was not an option anymore.

As Brene Brown states so eloquently,

It's common for trauma survivors to dress,

Rehearse,

Tragedy in order to protect themselves from future trauma.

They may run through every scenario that they can think of and come up with a plan for how to handle it.

They may think if they act a certain way,

Bad things won't happen.

I was addicted to dress,

Rehearsing,

Tragedy.

It controlled my every waking thought and guided every bad decision I made and I ended up reenacting the trauma over and over again.

Generational toxic shame passes down through family members because no one is aware of their own trauma.

Shame replaces innocence,

Joy,

Curiosity and it forced everyone in my family including me to build disturbing walls of protection,

Blame and defiance.

If I hadn't woken up,

I would have passed all of this poison on to my children.

Toxic shame can turn on a genetic predisposition for depression,

Addiction,

Fibromyalgia,

Gut issues,

Autoimmune disorders,

Physical illnesses,

Personality disorders,

Mental illnesses and the list goes on.

How I overcame toxic shame.

One,

I recognized the shame went back over a hundred years.

The cycle was repeated over and over again.

I realized on my healing journey it was never about me.

It was about everybody else and their unhealed trauma.

Toxic shame comes from having been told all our lives that there is something wrong with us.

It's not easy to recognize that shame was installed into our psyche because it's so familiar,

So automatic,

As real as your limbs and the nose on your face like it's supposed to be there but it's not.

There's nothing wrong with us.

It was a poison we were forced to drink when we were too young to understand it and unable to defend ourselves.

Number two,

Forgiving myself.

Self-forgiveness is not making excuses.

The more shame you heal,

The more authentic your life will become because you acquire clarity and able to see yourself and the world more realistically by removing distorted perceptions caused by toxic shame.

Instead of being cold,

Hostile,

Guarded,

I became more compassionate and accepting of my true self and other people.

I can now see in other people when they are being controlled by toxic shame and I empathize.

It's a lousy way to live.

Believe me,

I know.

Forgiving yourself generates compassion for what you went through and for what someone else might be going through.

It's not always easy to forgive myself and forgive myself for not acquiring the wisdom years ago but I am trying every day.

Number three,

Reality check.

Toxic shame blows everything out of proportion and left me spiritually exhausted.

I assumed everyone saw me the way I saw myself and that they knew deep down I was hiding,

That I was full of self-loathing.

I have learned that most people have enough problems of their own and really don't care about mine and if they do care,

That's their problem,

Not mine unless they care because they're genuinely concerned about me and they want to support me but some people may pretend to care because they're glad I have problems too but it really doesn't matter.

Put bluntly,

I had to learn to get over myself.

The world does not revolve around me.

In the ACA 12-step program,

They point out over and over again,

Feelings are not facts.

Number four,

No more blame.

I stopped blaming my toxic parents for the mistakes I made.

I stopped blaming myself for not being able to fix my parents' misery.

I cannot force them to stop living in denial.

When my parents try to emotionally abuse me now,

I simply picture myself giving it back to them.

Mentally,

I throw it back.

This is their pain,

Not mine.

I don't have to absorb it.

I observe their behavior objectively and I do not react defensively anymore.

It is a healthy boundary and a mature coping strategy.

I feel sorry for them and I am no longer controlled by my anger at them.

Pain is the antidote to shame.

The goal is to treat yourself in a loving,

Kind and supportive way,

The way your parents should have but couldn't.

Number five,

Self-love brings inner peace.

I learned that my relationship with the world matches the relationship I have with myself.

I am not perfect and that is okay.

When I do have setbacks,

They are minor and I manage them using the healing strategies that I keep in my emotional toolkit.

Working on radical self-love improves all aspects of your life.

Building your self-esteem will improve all aspects of your life.

People are comfortable around comfortable people.

Self-love is a powerful weapon in overcoming toxic shame.

Toxic shame is a drain on our energy and shame-based parenting causes us to become addicted to unhealthy ways to prove our value.

Once you see your value,

It won't matter if anyone else does.

I have been a prisoner of shame for many years.

I am no longer a prisoner of it but honestly,

I do believe that I am still affected by it but I am no longer controlled by it.

I need to remind myself daily to celebrate that.

I found an interesting shame test to take online.

It is at angermanage.

Co.

Uk.

Again angermanage.

Co.

Uk slash shame dash test.

I suggest you check it out.

Check it out.

It might be very interesting to learn something about yourself.

Shame finds power in secrecy,

Silence and denial.

So sharing my healing journey and telling my story about recovering from a toxic childhood,

Coping with anxiety and depression is a big step towards healing myself.

I hope that this resonated with you and that it helps you.

This is Tammy Atman with the Stuck Stops Here.

Reviews

I put “sh*tshow” into the search box. This was 5th on the list, the others did not apply and were just stories. The Meat of this resonates and spoke of addiction which I am challenged with in social situations, including family holidays like today (Thanksgiving in the US). Even though my dad has long been gone, and I am an older very very successful RN in the field of Trauma/Emergency and Critical Care, I haven’t realized that my addictions (alcohol and nicotine) can be boiled down to “Shame”. I appreciate what this talk has to offer and am looking forward to this internal investigation as to why Chaos I choose (Emergencies) and also create with excess (addiction) seems to be actually soothing. Thank you for this insight into my “Value” today and for your explocit and informative talk as a springboard. I appreciate you.

Thank you for sharing and mentioning radical self acceptance. Toxic shame seems to make one forget tools that are soothing.
I appreciate your guidance.

Excellent talk. While I lived with toxic shame most of my life, it didn’t know it was toxic shame. It was my normal I didn’t know differently. Thank God I woke up and I work something similar to your 5 steps. What a ton of bricks have been lifted off my shoulders! Everyday is better while I continue to learn and educate myself!

The work is hard but so worth it. If you think you can’t do let me be the first to say you can! You just have to start!! 💜