Heal In Place. Fill Your Still. (Codependency)

During these very scary times, I am creating mini-podcasts to share the resources I used on my healing journey in a more direct way. This mini-podcast is dedicated to Darlene Lancer as she was a very valuable resource for me on my healing journey. “Codependency…is learned inaccurate information…that you are not enough, that you don’t matter, that your feelings are wrong, or that you don’t deserve respect" - Darlene Lancer. I try to cover a lot of ground in a succinct way so you can heal in place.

Transcript

Hello,

This is Tammy Atman with The Stuck Stops Here.

During these very scary times,

I am creating mini podcasts to share the resources I use on my healing journey in a very direct way.

Most of us are sheltering in place with no distractions and also no escape.

If you are like the old,

Erratically busy me,

This stillness may be torture.

If you have woken up and you are searching for a path to recovery or you're already on a healing journey,

I really hope these mini podcasts resonate with you.

I try to cover a lot of ground in a succinct way so you can heal in place and fill your still.

This mini podcast is dedicated to Darlene Lancer.

She was a very valuable resource for me on my healing journey.

Codependency is learned,

Inaccurate information.

That you are not enough,

That you don't matter,

That your feelings are wrong,

Or that you don't deserve respect.

These are the false beliefs that most codependents are raised with and is usually handed down for generations.

Quote,

By Darlene Lancer.

Codependency is when you take on the burden of fixing something in someone's life that is their responsibility.

Children develop their sense of identity,

Identify their values,

And learn how to communicate and express their needs and feelings based on parental interaction.

Parents play a large role in shaping who and what their child becomes in life.

Codependent children,

Like me,

Lack a positive nurturing parent-child relationship.

They lack confidence to succeed,

And many don't feel accepted.

Codependency is just a poor coping strategy and one that I excelled at.

Whenever I felt anxious about my life,

Codependency allowed me to feel in control by distracting me from my pain and unresolved issues.

We take responsibility for other people and try to carry them along even if the weight of their problems is enormous.

What we are really trying to do is to get the person to stop acting in ways that trigger our own insecurities.

I was queen of that.

Trying to achieve an increased sense of safety,

I was sure I could make things better once I fixed them.

The burden of emotionally supporting my mom,

My dad,

And my stepdad was exhausting.

And it completely destroyed my ability to be creative,

Spontaneous,

And honest.

And as a result,

I never developed my own sense of self or unique interests,

And my entire life was based on a distorted reality.

I reacted to stress emotionally with no objectivity and was totally unable to self-reflect on my actions.

So some of the consequences of being codependent.

I had low self-esteem.

I never felt good enough.

I compared myself to everyone else.

The tricky thing that Darlene Lancer talks about when it comes to self-esteem is some people do think highly of themselves,

But it's really only disguise.

They actually feel unlovable or inadequate.

Underneath,

Usually hidden from their consciousness,

Are feelings of shame and guilt,

And also perfectionism.

That all ties into low self-esteem.

If everything was perfect and I was in control,

Then I wouldn't have to feel bad about myself.

Another side effect of codependency,

People pleasing.

It's fine to want to please somebody you care about.

A codependent like me usually think they don't have a choice.

Saying no causes anxiety,

Which that did for me.

I never felt like I could speak up for myself or say no to any of my toxic parents.

Codependents have a hard time saying no to anyone.

I went out of my way and sacrificed my own needs to accommodate other people.

This made me physically and mentally sick.

Reactivity is another side effect.

Codependents are usually raised with poor boundaries.

My mother had no boundaries,

No respect for my space,

And she was very invasive.

As a result,

I was raised to react to everyone's thoughts and feelings.

If someone says something you disagree with,

You either believe it or you become defensive.

That was me.

You absorb their words because there is no boundary.

I was hyper reactive for decades,

Especially in the workplace.

With these new boundaries that I've established through a lot of inner child work,

I have realized that I no longer care what people think,

And I am not threatened by disagreements or by saying no to protect my peace.

Another side effect,

Control.

Control helps codependents feel safe and secure.

Nobody wants to live in constant chaos,

But for codependents,

Control limits their ability to take risks and share their feelings.

That was me.

Some have an addiction that either helps them loosen up,

Whether it's alcohol or drugs,

Or helps them to hold their feelings down,

Like workaholism and overachievement,

So that they don't feel out of control.

I chose the workaholic overachieving route.

Neither one is good.

Codependents need control,

People close to them,

Because they need people to behave in a certain way to feel okay.

In a way,

People pleasing and caretaking is a way to control and manipulate people.

Also,

Codependents can be bossy,

And they like to tell you what you should or shouldn't do.

This is a violation of someone else's boundary.

This was also me,

And I learned that lesson the hard way.

General rules within families that cause codependency can include,

Do not speak about your problems or how you feel,

Do not express your feelings,

Especially anger.

I suppressed rage for decades.

Work very hard and be perfect.

Set unrealistic expectations and then destroy yourself trying to meet them.

All of those were me.

You can see why I had a complete and total collapse in 2014 living that way.

It was an enormous amount of inner work to stop being codependent.

I had to disentangle myself from other people's needs and give up that rescuer role or that hero role.

I tried to fix and control people that didn't want to change and force solutions on situation that I had no power to change.

This killed me in the workplace.

These behaviors left me constantly frustrated.

I lived on that crazy hamster wheel.

I could not accept the things that I could not change,

No matter how incredibly hard I tried.

Focusing on other people's problems and jumping from one fire to the next distracted me from owning the role I played in being so frustrated all the time.

I was very demanding and I was constantly issuing ultimatums with a false air of superiority.

This all was a direct result of being suffocatingly over-connected to my mom and stepdad.

I was always in constant fear of disappointing them and making them angry.

This prevented me from ever knowing myself.

I was not allowed or encouraged to explore my own interests or discover who I was.

I lived with a false self and a false life for decades.

Codependent children are taught to suppress who they are,

To please others,

And avoid conflicts.

In adulthood,

We tend to stay enmeshed with other people and focus on their needs to such a way that we don't really know who we are,

What we like,

Or what we want.

I was defined by that parentified role I had to play growing up.

Recovery meant learning about who I was supposed to be and what I wanted out of life.

When I took the time to be still and be by myself and through my research rediscover who I was supposed to be before all that damage took place,

That was a huge step on my healing journey and getting to where I am today,

Keeping in mind the healing journey is a practice and it's never ending.

Darlene Lancer's website has an abundance of resources,

Books,

Articles,

Webinars,

Recordings,

All devoted to codependency.

What it is,

How it starts,

The consequences of it,

And ways to heal.

Her website is www.

Whatiscodependency.

Com.

I really hope these mini-podcasts are helpful to you.

If there are topics you would like me to cover or explore,

Email me at thestuckstopshereatgmail.

Com and keep healing in place and fill the still.

Thanks.

Reviews

This left me, breathless, and speechless being a very helpful way. Thank you for putting into words what is hard for me to say

Appreciate your directness and honesty.

Love your teachings

Thank you. I love these mini bites of wisdom and clarity.

Thank you ❤️

i’ve listened to many talks and read books on codependent behavior but your talk was clear concise and simple…and easily understood. i can still be bossy. i’ll start paying attention to that now. thanks 🙏💙🙏

Thank you so much for the resources! Thank you also for this talk!!💖

Spoke directly to my heart. I have been codependent for my entire life...and just realized this today.

Very direct, liked it. I’ve be in codependency anonymous for 2yrs it has been life changing. I look forward to hearing more from you❤️👍🏾

I resonate with lots of this. Amazing how the family 'law' is established without anyone saying anything. It is understood on an emotional level 🙏

I liked how you included a resource at the end to answer the “how did you heal yourself” question. Most I’ve heard on this only talk about the symptoms and say be still but I’m glad you offered something specific. I look forward to seeing the website!

Very helpful. I look forward to more of your podcasts. Thank you.

I’m starting to understand what’s going on! Thanks. Keep blogging! Great work. Blessings

Thank you, I love your podcasts and get a lot of encouragement from them.

So much content packed into 10 minutes. I could relate to everything you said and I agree. I wish I had known before one year ago that I was codependent and really understand what that meant. If I had known and made the changes sooner perhaps my relationship with my son and his family would be very different today. My daughter has done extensive work as well so it’s been much easier to repair our relationship.

I continue to demonstrate that I am not that person any longer and my desire is my son and his family will spend enough time with me to see it too.

Thank you Tami ! 💜