This is The Stuck Stops Here.
Your source for humor,
Healing,
And honesty.
I'm LW Noly.
I am Tami Reseda-Atman.
Let's go!
I'm gonna change my name Gonna change what I do Gonna change my mind Cause I can't change you And I'll stick to your cave Looking for a spot I wanted more than a shot in the dark There were days I crawled up mountains There were days I stayed in bed Those days turned into years Drowning inside my head You can't see that Happy New Year to my brave,
Courageous cycle breakers.
Today's podcast is called Counter Dependency,
Also known as Radical Self-Reliance.
I was lying when I said I'm fine,
I don't need anyone.
On my healing journey from emotionally abusive and emotionally immature parents,
I discovered counter dependency.
Counter dependency is exaggerated independence arising from a fear of depending on other people and an inability to trust others.
I am a recovering counter dependent.
On my healing journey,
I discovered that I adopted excessively avoidant behaviors as a result of being emotionally and physically abandoned by toxic parents.
As a survival strategy,
I used to numb out and stop feeling anything so I wouldn't keep re-experiencing that pain over and over.
According to Dr.
Barry Weingold and Dr.
Jane Weingold,
In their book,
The Flight from Intimacy,
Counter dependent characteristics are so pervasive in the United States,
They are widely accepted as normal behavior.
If you are like me and counter dependent,
You will avoid asking for help at all costs.
The word needy triggered suppressed rage in me and my behaviors and decisions were devoted to avoid suffering at any cost.
Connecting and bonding with people authentically involved great risk of being abandoned and I hated feeling vulnerable.
I protected myself by building an invisible fortress to keep deep emotions inside and keep everybody else out.
This defective behavior was automatic and mostly unconscious.
The fear and chaos behind the pseudo independent mask I wore.
Although I was blind to it for most of my life,
Counter dependents like me are actually controlled by fear and live fiercely independent lives that are focused on being totally self supporting in every aspect.
Felicia Durling,
Founder of the Center for Life Change,
Emphasizes in her blog that a child raised in emotionally abusive environments become aware at a very young age that it is too dangerous to trust your parents and they end up avoiding attaching to them and suppressing reliance on them by never turning to them when upset or suffering or needing comfort.
This was me.
This survival tactic appeared to have helped me cope as a child by avoiding their rejection,
Indifference and refusal and severely impaired my ability to function as an emotionally healthy adult.
I was trained at a very young age to perform well and present myself as the perfect child with perfect behaviors and admirable accomplishments to make them look good and also give me the little attention that I needed.
As a result of this insecure attachment to my parents,
I believed expressing needs and feelings meant I would be abandoned and or rejected.
So I kept up the I'm fine facade all the time while inside feeling empty,
Frustrated and alone.
How the counter dependent lie affected me as an adult.
One,
I was living a very unbalanced life by connecting only with my perceived strengths and built rigid daily routines around them.
Two,
I evolved into a negative perfectionist who devalued,
Avoided and ridiculed anything I was not good at.
My daily life experiences consisted entirely of mistake avoiding transactions and I was addicted to proving myself worth.
I was overly competitive,
Judgmental of myself and others and extremely sensitive to criticism.
Five,
I was extremely impatient and easily frustrated and overreacted to the point of tantrums when things didn't go as planned.
Six,
Hyper focused on activities,
Busyness,
Achievements and anything else that kept me cut off completely from emotions.
Counter dependency is not healthy autonomy.
Healthy autonomy is also called interdependence.
Interdependence means accessing real feelings,
Comfort with asking for help,
Having a very clear sense of self,
Knowing who you are and what you want.
Interdependence is fueled by genuine emotional intimacy while also maintaining a firm sense of self.
It is not rooted in fear.
Dr.
Greg Henrique,
Author of a new unified theory of psychology,
Explains that counterdependency is an avoidance mindset driven by hiding vulnerability,
Rejecting help from others and rigidly keeping emotional distance.
On the surface,
It looked like I had it all together.
In reality,
I lived in hyper reactive mode.
I had no idea who I was or what I wanted.
And even though I had many superficial relationships,
I was secretly isolated,
Anxious and depressed.
Twice in my life,
I hit rock bottom hard because living this counter dependent way was no longer an option.
How I started and strengthened the healing process.
First,
I recognized that my entire family going back over 100 years saw no value in attunement and connection with their children.
I believe it is your birthright to be truly seen by the people who brought you into this world.
Once I saw how far back the emotional abuse traveled,
It enabled me to develop some self compassion for what I didn't get,
But I deserved.
Self compassion is the best medicine for shame.
Two,
I became aware of and not down the defensive protective walls I built and acknowledged the role I played in my own misery.
This part I call the it gets worse before it gets better part.
Research has shown the cure for counterdependency is pain and accountability.
I started and continue to face shame and fear head on.
Three,
Gradually I acquired life balance and authentic inner strength.
Avoidance and numbing out is not a sign of strength.
Real strength is being able to feel pain and openly express it.
I now know I don't have to be perfect or over accomplished in order to feel good.
I now know how to generate inner peace by gracefully accepting what I cannot control and taking care of myself.
I learned all about generational trauma and inherited trust issues.
This fear of trusting people did not start with me.
It was rammed down the throats of everyone that came before me and embedded deep into our family system.
I have learned no one is out to get me.
Most people are battling their own unhealed traumas and their toxic behavior has nothing to do with me.
Five,
It's a marathon,
Not a sprint.
Change takes time.
The pain of staying the same for me was worse than the pain of the healing process.
Unlearning toxic family patterns is difficult but a worthwhile investment and it will improve the quality of your life.
I have devoted thousands of hours on research to unlearn defense mechanisms and toxic family behavior patterns.
And now appreciate the value of relying on others in a healthy way.
This healing journey never ends.
Chiseling away at the poisonous defective behaviors caused by my false counterdependent self is not a quick process.
I still have more work to do to achieve an interdependent mindset.
And occasionally I do suffer setbacks.
It takes courage and perseverance or perseverance.
I never know how to pronounce that word,
But I am living proof that change is possible.
The stuck can stop here.
See.
I took the wrong way around just to be free.
Oh,
Oh,
Oh,
Yeah.
I don't ever adore the ones at the home.
All of us together,
All of us alone.
I'm not your slave anymore.
I took the long way around just to get through.
I took the wrong way around just to be free.
Oh,
Oh,
Oh,
Yeah.
Change.
You have been listening to the stuck stops here.
We are not licensed therapists.
We are not life coaches.
We are not certified in anything.
Nothing.
I just want to be a resource for those beginning or on their healing journey.
