Comfortable Miserable (Season 3)

The drive to repeat familiar patterns of chaotic behavior is common no matter how painful or self-defeating those behaviors are. The familiar provides a sense of structure in our spiritually chaotic lives. One reason why it is so difficult to change the way you think, feel, and behave is that your toxic beliefs were formed early in life and have been reinforced and strengthened over time. Our fear of uncertainty is often more powerful than the pain associated with being stuck in a negative rut.

Transcript

Anxiety is like a shortcut.

When faced with uncertainty the normal response is to stop.

Consider what might happen.

Make a decision based on the best prediction you can make.

But the anxious person doesn't go through this process.

They jump right towards feeling afraid.

No one enjoys uncertainty.

There is always a tinge of anxiousness when you don't know what the future holds.

But going straight into fear is the worst way to handle the situation because fear is almost never a good advisor.

It blocks clear decision-making and exaggerates the risks and dangers that might lie ahead.

Quote by Teaback Chopra.

This is Tammy Atman with the Stuck Stops Here.

This is season 3 episode 3 that I am calling comfortably miserable.

Please allow me to provide an analogy that describes what led to my intense fear of uncertainty and an unhealthy addiction to control everything.

All of my parents battled their own demons and had no ability to parent with emotional intelligence.

The only time I received attention was anticipating their demands and meeting their unrealistic expectations.

Let's say for the purpose of this analogy that the parental connection felt like a small flame under my feet.

When my presence was acknowledged or when I gave them the attention they needed there would be a sharp burn under my feet.

So as a toddler and a young child the need for this burn became automatic.

This hyper vigilant trait to scan my surroundings for threats and ways to be seen became automatic.

So even though the flame under my feet hurt,

It was still normal.

When emotionally mature parents authentically connect with their children there is no need for the child to develop multiple negative automatic behaviors the way I did.

Put another way,

I was uncomfortable going through life without that sharp burn under my feet.

I will now rename this slow burn as codependency which I as I have described before is an intense need to control everything,

Accomplish something that's visible and tangible and an addiction to outside situations to feel valued.

As I entered young adulthood I had no purpose when there was no flame under my feet.

The quiet and the stillness was torture.

I needed to be doing something,

Reacting to something,

Proving something.

I couldn't sit around and face my nothingness.

I was a destination addict and a security junkie.

I scanned every situation,

Every experience for information and solutions to every possible problem that might arise all the time.

It felt irresponsible and dangerous for there to be uncertainty in my life.

I couldn't tolerate not knowing the outcome of anything.

Our brains overreact when facing uncertainty because they are wired to react to uncertainty with fear.

Research has shown that as the uncertainty of scenarios increase,

Brains shift over to our limbic system,

The place where emotions like anxiety and fear live.

This brain quirk worked great years ago when cavemen encountered wooly math and tyrannosaurus rexes.

Overwhelming caution and fear ensured survival,

But that is not the case today.

This mechanism which has not evolved hinders us personally and professionally.

Uncertainty rules our lives and important decisions must be made every day with minimal information.

That is a fact and we need to learn to accept that with grace and dignity.

If you Google antonyms for the word uncertainty,

This is what comes up.

Trust,

Self-confidence,

Positivity and patience.

We have all heard over and over that people are creatures of habit.

It does not seem to matter whether those habits are good for us or bad for us.

They provide comfort.

I held a tight death grip onto everything that was familiar because if I was afraid if I let go it would not be okay and most of what was familiar to me was also toxic.

Survivors of emotional abuse and neglect are terrified of abandonment and will hold on to everything and anything tightly in order to not re-experience painful abandonment feelings which a lot of us received from being raised by broken people who were never able to be there emotionally for us.

The drive to repeat familiar patterns of toxic behavior is common no matter how painful or self-defeating those behaviors are.

The familiar provides a sense of structure in our spiritually chaotic lives.

We know what the rules are and we know what to expect.

One reason why it is so difficult to change the way you think,

Feel and behave is that your toxic beliefs were installed and formed very early in life and have been reinforced and strengthened over time.

In reaction to toxic parents your brain has carved out a very deep very well-traveled miserable road.

If that road remains and no new roads are built it is very difficult to change your ways and it is easy to remain stuck.

Our fear of uncertainty is often more powerful than the pain associated with doing the same negative thing over and over again.

Dr.

Susan Ford author of Bestseller Toxic Parents calls this the repetition compulsion and is a direct result of being addicted to this time I will get it right.

While we may believe that our frenetic negative thoughts are a permanent part of our personality science has shown otherwise.

We can create new ways of thinking and eventually stop judging ourselves so harshly.

I learned to sort out what was really mine versus what had nothing to do with me.

I also discovered on my healing journey that if I chose to continue to expose myself to more criticism,

Emotional abuse and silent treatments from my parents I would shrivel up and become the same bitter empty shallow people that they are.

I have chosen to implement low contact with all of my parents and that works for me.

I discussed this in much more detail in a previous podcast called Should I Stay or Should I Go.

We all like to be in control after all people who feel like they're at the mercy of their surroundings never get anywhere in life but this desire for control can backfire when you see everything that you can't control or don't know as a personal failure.

I demanded certainty all the time.

I demanded order and fought and resisted perceived chaos and ambiguity and rigidly pursued conviction and shortcuts through complexity.

I spent more time trying to control my outside world instead of understanding what was motivating me.

People who excel at managing uncertainty are not afraid to acknowledge what's causing it.

In other words,

Fulfilled,

Content,

Authentic people live in the real world and they live realistically.

They don't paint situations as better or worse than it actually is.

They are rational and analyze the facts for what they are and accept what they can control.

When there's an enormous amount of self-doubt and insecurity inside your head,

The decision-making process is very challenging and unproductive.

The good news is the brain is plastic which means every time we engage in any activity our brain changes in some way even if only to a minimal degree.

The more you practice listening to your heart,

The more you build that intuitive muscle.

You'll learn to act with courage and faith and belief.

And when you act in complete faith and confidence while listening to your inner wisdom,

Everything will unfold according to the way it's supposed to.

Exactly when as it should,

It is never too early or too late.

This is Tammy Atman with the Stuck Stops here.

And just because it's always been the way,

Doesn't mean it always has to stay that way.

I didn't know I could walk away from the fog inside my head.

I didn't know I was trapped inside all the souls of the living dead.

Rivers of rage drowned us all as we waited for the sky to fall.

On the outside looking in,

Wish I knew where the hell I've been.

A tempest in a teapot,

A scar that no one sees.

Dreams turn to dust while we wait for hell to freeze.

We close our eyes,

Call it fate.

It's a game we should never play.

We didn't know it's not too late,

But that's always been the way.

Truth whispers,

Lies will scream.

The more you know,

The less you need.

Through the fire,

We hug the feet.

Saw the light and it became so clear.

Running on empty,

Brave is the sound of a light face up instead of face down.

Too long I didn't have a clue.

Now I know what I have to do.

A tempest in a teapot,

A scar that no one sees.

Dreams turn to dust while we wait for hell to freeze.

We close our eyes,

Call it fate.

It's a game we should never play.

We didn't know it's not too late,

But that's always been the way.

It's always been the way.

It's always been the way.

She do do do do do do do do do do do do.

It's always been the way.

Reviews

I definitely feel I’m stuck in a comfortably miserable rut. A few years ago we moved from a large city to a rural community. It’s gorgeous and a dream come true but now my aging parents are living with me and I seem to have lost my identity. I don’t share many of their values, politics or religion and find it almost impossible to live authentically. I feel I have little energy for anything other than the basics…

Very good, thank you 🙏

You can have a life after codependency! I spent 55 plus years on the roller coaster never knowing I could change this. The last 2 years have been a work in progress and I still slip at moments but thankful I’m not where I use to be.

I as well choose low contact with my parents but I’m not able to continue now due to their ages... 91 & 92.... and they live at home but I do say no and set boundaries now!! Things with both of them are not as difficult now.

Thank you Tami for sharing and caring. 💜🙏🏻🥰