Episode 146: Friendships Featuring Kristi Cronin

Kristi Cronin joins me today to discuss friendships, being a people pleaser in the past, expectations, boundaries, releasing friendships, making friends, successful friendships, sharing your story, becoming an author (Kristi has a book coming out Jan 2020 called Black Balloons), and her faith.

Transcript

Think it's successful friendship is one that is symbiotic.

I think it's where both people are gleeing from it both people are growing supporting each other have the ability to Speak truth to one another in a really healthy way and are there for each other in a way that looks right for both of them I think it's a relationship that ultimately brings joy and not discomfort and strain and negative energy Hey there,

I'm Steph and I want to welcome you to the beautifully changed podcast This is where we explore how ordinary people do big things Welcome to your tipping point Welcome back my friends.

I hope that you are having a phenomenal week Today,

I thought it would be really helpful if we had a conversation around friendships and Luckily,

I have a friend who also felt the same connection is something that we really need in life.

It helps us thrive However,

Not any connection is gonna help us thrive When we have a connection with a friend or a loved one that really helps nurture us support us build us It can change our lives and when we also step into a friendship nurturing supporting Uplifting our friends it can be game-changing Life changing for them as well.

So Christy and I are gonna have a conversation around friendship today also Christy has stepped into the world of being an author and she has a phenomenal Book coming out that shares her story and it is called black balloons and it'll be out in January as Always if you get something out of this episode,

Please leave me a review.

I would love to hear your feedback and If you have a guest that you would like to hear on the show,

Please DM me at beautifully changed on Instagram And let me know who you want to hear or what topic you want to hear discussed on the beautifully changed podcast So let me tell you a little bit more about Christy Christy Cronin is a nurse practitioner Experienced in primary care and cardiology.

She has over 11 years of nursing experience Six have been as a nurse practitioner.

She is the author of several publications and the nurse practitioner journal So if you're in the nursing world,

You might have heard of her before She is a wife and mom to two children Currently living in Tampa,

Florida her first nonfiction book black balloons is scheduled to release in January 2020 and I thought Christy would be great to have as a guest because she's going through her own self-growth journey just like all of us are and she has this lovely energy about her that is welcoming and Thoughtful and I think you're gonna get a couple things out of our conversation today that you can apply to your life or that will at least Provide you an opportunity to think about your friendships.

And are you showing up in a way that Can be elevated or are there any friendships that you might need to release or shift?

And is there a way that you can find and add?

Friendships into your circle that are going to help uplift you and you're gonna help uplift those people So I really hope that you get something Valuable out of our conversation and I hope you walk away feeling like you have Two new friends in your corner who are cheering you on So without further ado here is Christy's nice conversation around a friendship Christy welcome to the beautifully changed podcast I am so happy to have you here and I really look forward to talking with you about friendships,

Especially because you are also a recovering people pleaser We definitely have that in common.

Um,

And thank you so much Steph for having me I'm so excited to be here today and have this conversation with you.

Yes,

It's gonna be awesome first So before we dive into talking about friendships I want to hear something that you've learned recently in any regards to your life that has really inspired you and it just really just like got your creativity going or your inspiration going and You want to share it with us?

Sure.

So I think one of the biggest things I'm on this journey of becoming an author and in the process you go back and you Read and reread and reread the things that you've written.

You're consistently editing and Kind of also gleaning from what you've written and it's a really interesting space to be in when you read your own words And sometimes realize that your behaviors aren't aligning with things that came out of you so that's been something that's been really eye-opening to me and and realizing that Life continues to be a process while I write about things that I feel like I've overcome or that I'm in a better place with the truth is that it's very easy to continue to slip back into bad behaviors or negative coping mechanisms or old things that weren't serving you and when you reread that you realize that The struggle continues to be a process and that's okay You have to give yourself grace and that we're all a work in progress We're all doing the absolute best that we can and it's okay to realize that about yourself.

I Love that and that's a really really interesting point that I don't think I've heard anyone share before And I listen like I love reading so if I hear authors on you know I want to hear their interview and stuff like that So I think that was a really fascinating point that you said is as you're going back and reading you're catching yourself saying whoa I'm slipping in this and so what's kind of the process that you do to get yourself back on track and give yourself grace?

I Think for me a lot of it stems from my faith.

So realizing that my identity doesn't necessarily come from Friendships or from social media or even from my marriage or what my husband or my kids think about me but really stepping back and trying to hone in on what God says about me and Know that we're all built for so much more And then taking the time to put steps in place to remind yourself of that so whether that's reading if that's scripture or that's a devotion or that's a really good inspirational book or diving further into meditation but really giving yourself those spaces to self-reflect and against you a lot of it for me is journaling I get a lot out of writing so I'm kind of taking that step back Realizing it and then putting little action steps into place to bring yourself back home I love that and also would it be fair to say then when you're doing this process?

You're not expecting yourself to be perfect and you've discovered that You know as I'm stepping into this new world of being an author that that is a very vulnerable place to be and you also have to like bravely forgive yourself for any Like mishaps or anything that you think might not be exactly perfect in order for you to put out there.

That'd be fair to say 100% I think there's so much beauty in imperfection and in uniqueness and I think it is really important that we step back and We realize that our flaws and our quirks and the things that we mess up at that also makes us beautiful It makes us real and that makes it more Relatable and makes people able to connect with us in a better way and that's that's the beauty in all of it.

I Love that that's so true And so that kind of as we're talking about connection and connecting with people that kind of leads us into what we're gonna talk about today,

Which is friendships and I'm curious to just start this off with like when we think a friend all of us have an idea in our mind what that Is but for you Kristi,

Can you kind of define what you mean by friendship when you think of friends?

Sure,

So I think each friendship has a different level of intimacy and I think that you Kind of get to navigate that based on your comfort level with that person I think each friendship is different and your connection with that person is different and I think that that can ebb and flow over time so These people are some you know,

Some are more surface level some go a little bit deeper And I think part of my learning process has been coming to grips with the fact that sometimes those relationships can be seasonal They might not be meant to last your entire lifespan.

That's something that I have really struggled with and just kind of going with the flow of what those relationships look like and also Realizing it's most important the way that you're serving the other person as opposed to what you're getting out of the relationship.

Oh Man,

You said so many good things there Okay,

I want to break it down and let's start with I guess Even the fact that friends can all Have kind of ice I guess I think of it as like almost different Roles or different things that we serve and receive from each other.

Do you know what I mean?

Like,

Yeah I have some friends that I go to that I know you know what this friend is so much fun I'm gonna have so much fun with them and it's gonna be more like light-hearted conversations We might go a little bit deeper,

But it's gonna be mostly just you know about whatever we're doing at that moment Like if we're going hiking we're gonna be talking about the hike,

You know stuff like that in a little side things in our life And I also know sometimes those friends aren't the friends to go to When I had a huge loss in my life not because I don't want to be there for me but because they're not very good at being there for me in the ways that I need to be and that Doesn't make them necessarily a bad friend It just makes them not a friend that I'm gonna kind of open up to when I need them.

Does that make sense?

Do you have it?

It does make sense and I think that it takes time to kind of learn that a little bit too and in my personality I timed I tend to like dive in really hard and it's kind of learning those steps and that it's okay to have relationships be a little bit different and not every Friendship that person might not need to know every single little detail of the things that are going on.

It's okay to share on different levels and Embrace the uniqueness of the differences in your friendships and relationships.

Hmm.

I like that Can you kind of share what you mean by when you say you kind of dive in?

Yeah,

So I I talked about this a little bit Well,

Not a lot of it in the book,

But I kind of called it this Diagnosis of puppy cradle death syndrome.

Okay.

Okay,

So I had a tendency in my friendships to basically love so hard on that person and get so much of my identity from that friendship that I would like Puppy cradle them to death meaning like you love on them so hard that you eventually like break it It's too much you put too much weight on the friendship you've kind of put it on this pedestal of meaning way more in your life than maybe what it's completely meant to um And then carrying that weight like the thought of losing that friend the thought of the relationship falling apart Is to me was just devastating like how am I ever going to get through this?

How am I gonna come back from this the thought of losing someone is just breaking to me.

So a lot of growth has come in that and in realizing that and then finding healthy ways to Create the appropriate levels of connection and set boundaries and the places that are comfortable for not only me But for that other person.

Oh I like that for the other person as well and for you,

Okay,

So Christy,

Let's take it back to Because we talked about at the very beginning.

We just mentioned that we're both like people who used to be people pleasers and so I want to dive into that for a second for people who are listening to relate to that because I know that I was like I Tell people now if you would have met me in high school or in my early 20s You probably wouldn't even recognize me as the same person because I was so passive and I was so scared that anyone ever be mad at me and I really like it was like I made every Moment about my day about pleasing other people and trying to make sure the friends in my life Even if they were friends who treated me terribly I was like,

You know what?

I knew they treated me terribly,

But I also Well,

I also grew up kind of an unhealthy home.

So I didn't understand fully like what love really was and what it could look like And you know stuff like that so that's like a whole nother thing,

But one of my symptoms of that was definitely being a people pleaser and what that looked like for me was definitely just like ignoring how anybody treated me and just making excuses for it and then just really trying to be like Okay,

Maybe if I'm you know Nice enough or good enough in all these ways for them that maybe they'll still want to be my friend And if they didn't want to be my friend,

You know in high school girls can be really mean to each other So it was definitely a interesting Cycle I had put myself in Or allowed myself to be in this like people play People pleasing place for way too long and my way out of that was by setting boundaries So for you,

Can you share a little bit about what your people pleasing story looked like?

Sure So I can relate so much to all of this I think for me a lot of it did come from childhood and this worry of like losing trust or losing a relationship and being abandoned so I started to get a lot of weight from my friendships and I Would in that way people please in the sense of that even if I didn't agree with how things were going or my feelings were Really hurt I would try not to rock the boat I didn't want to make my feelings known in a way that would create conflict or that could result in the person No longer seeing me as a person they wanted in their life or that it could change our level of friendship The thought of that would really wreck me.

So I would do anything I possibly could To make sure things stayed status quo,

Even if it was even if I was hurting just like you're saying so we have to have so much value in ourselves and realize that we Even though we could be hurt.

We have there's healthy ways to let somebody else know that and Setting boundaries is a great way to do it.

I'm gonna be totally honest this is still something that I struggle with and I'm working on which I love having these conversations because in Them we still get to learn things.

We still get to grow and that's the beauty of all of it So I'm struggling with this in real time and Kind of figuring out what those healthy boundaries look like I think anytime a friendship crosses into where two people are relying very very heavily on each other almost in a codependent type way those things can lead to some unhealthy connections and unhealthy behaviors for both people in the friendship or relationship So that's something that I've definitely struggled with too because codependence in getting my identity from that person Codependence in I need to feel loved from that person or I don't value myself so Trying to figure out the right ways to have conflict resolution and conversations with people that are healthy and That kind of mutually benefit both parties and that's in a constructive way So being able to say like this hurt my feelings But I want to talk about why and I want to talk about how we move forward from that I also want to know,

You know,

What does this look like for you?

And how are you experiencing our friendship?

Yeah,

So I love Christy that your idea is that it can be mutually beneficial for both people but I also want to add into that is that even if that's your intention if the person that you're trying to do that with isn't already in a healthy place themselves or able to receive Hearing that feedback or hearing that boundary because let's be honest Nobody even the healthiest person in the world doesn't want to be called out on behavior that's hurting somebody else,

Right?

Like sure,

Nobody wants to hear that but sometimes it's necessary for the health of the relationship and it can bring people closer the other side to that though is like You saying your boundary and the other person isn't willing to hear it and they're not willing to work with you through it Does that make sense?

It does make sense and that can be really really difficult and that's where I have struggled and have to learn that if it's not mutually beneficial for both of us at that point and we're not necessarily both getting what we need out of the relationship and it's not serving us in a healthy way then those are the friendships that Maybe it is time to release and give space in and even though that's not an easy thing to do Sometimes it's the healthy thing to do Yes,

So let's talk about That a little bit.

So because as we grow as well like I'm in my late 30s now,

So definitely some of the friendships that I've had when I was younger like a little girl and in high school and In my undergrad for college and stuff like that Those friendships,

You know,

I might have some people that I still talk to they're more of an acquaintance now where it's like hey How is it going?

How are you?

We're still in touch.

Maybe we'll get lunch if we're in the same town But I've noticed that now I'm in a place where I'm creating a different type of friendships with people who come into my life And the person that I'm meeting today maybe I wouldn't be friends with certain people that I Like the level of friendships that I want today are a higher quality than I accepted when I was younger if that makes sense Does totally make sense and I couldn't agree more.

Yeah,

And on this path sometimes Letting friendships go or as you said releasing a friendship That is it's a true loss.

Even if that friend Wasn't very nice to you or good to you.

There's moments when you had an amazing time together There's moments where you felt seen with them There's moments where you connected deeply and I think that's why it's hard to let this person go because it's like they're a friend They know you it's like reinvesting with somebody Another friend and it's like oh,

You know you get that.

Is this gonna work out again?

So it's almost like when you're dating somebody but it's like a different level of intimacy,

Right?

You're like opening up to somebody that you're trusting with the most beautiful parts of you and the most dark parts of you Do you know what I mean?

So when that friendship ends it is a real loss and it doesn't mean that you don't love that person or you don't wish them Well,

It's just as you've said it's no longer Beneficial to both of you.

It's causing more harm than it's causing good So when you are losing that friendship what so what would you say first of all,

Let's talk about How do you know like?

Mind body soul whatever it is.

How do you start to recognize that maybe this friendship has run its course it's ran its season I think in those situations And first of all to to what you said it is a loss.

It's a very real loss And I think that there's a grieving process that goes with all of that and losing a friend So I want to acknowledge that for everybody out there too that your feelings in that situation if you're walking through it Are 100 validated and it's gonna take time to grieve.

It's gonna take time to grow through it.

Um,

But to what you said how you kind of realize that it might be headed in that direction like What is it making you feel did that relationship originally bring you a lot of joy and connection and fun and laughter?

And were you able to if it was a deeper friendship go deeper and be heard and be seen and was it mutual?

What you were giving you were also feeling like you?

Were honored and respected in that relationship when those things start to shift And there might be some more pain involved or you start to feel kind of I would equate it to Sometimes we have a physical response for me I get kind of like an icky feeling inside and it starts to create a little bit of anxiety and I start to feel like wow,

This Just is a shift.

It doesn't quite feel the way that it used to and I don't know that It's bringing What I might need at that particular time in my life and I think you kind of have to pay attention to Your feelings on that and that's when you start thinking about is it time to have that conversation with that person?

And what does that conversation?

Look like and how do we do that in a very healthy and productive way?

Okay,

So I love everything you're saying and I know for a lot of people it's not that easy to get to that point.

I think it's really important to think about I know for me too.

It's also how do I feel inside?

Am I starting to feel?

Like there's something off and I also if i'm questioning myself like Are we friends?

Like is it because if that person's being kind of hot and cold with me or distant and then Talking to me all of a sudden and then stop talking to me all of a sudden and stuff like that where it gets confusing Where i'm like,

Yeah where i'm spending energy trying to figure out if we're friends then i'm like something is not right here because I shouldn't be Spending time wondering if we're friends or wondering my place in your world like to me anyway And maybe some people are like no we're you know We can go months without talking and pick up the phone and i'm like that's great if that works for you But for and then you're not questioning if you're friends then but for me If i'm starting to question it then there's something off in the relationship relationship Fully agree,

And I love what you said about spending energy on it So I think that's a giveaway if you notice that it's taking up space in your mind that it shouldn't necessarily be taking up That you're spinning your wheels on it and you're kind of questioning things and it's this thing that's coming up over and over and over again Then I do think that's a time to start evaluating what?

This relationship continues to mean and how to move forward with it but spending negative energy on something Is a red flag to start figuring out what's going on Okay,

And I know listeners are thinking okay you guys we get it now.

What do we do?

How do we have the conversation?

So christie how like how would you have that conversation?

Especially because I can just imagine you you're sitting there and your heart's like pounding And you know,

You're maybe you're even fighting back tears because you're envisioning what's going to happen that you're losing this person you're letting them go you're releasing them and Like some people just want to ghost them peace.

I'm out.

You're never going to hear from me again,

And then it gets awkward So how do you have this conversation?

I think one thing to remember here too is that if that person truly loves you and does have A respect for you and values that friendship.

They're going to value your feelings as well And if you approach them in a loving way not in a way of attacking like you did this to me and this really hurt Me and you're pointing it in their direction That is going to create some negative energy.

It has to really come from a place of love It's sitting down and just saying I love you so much But I really want to have this conversation with you about how i'm feeling in our friendship how i'm feeling in our friendship and I also want your input as to how you're feeling But it seems to me that maybe things have shifted a little bit and i'm feeling a little bit off And I wanted to see if I could open up to you about that and then you kind of give them permission to how deep they're wanting to go and if they're Wanting to have that conversation with you if they're not That can be really difficult.

But then again,

I think that that's your chance to step back and say Okay,

What weight am I placing on this?

Maybe i'm not seeing this relationship in the same way that they are and Maybe I need to just self-reflect a little bit and see Where I need to go with this,

But it's not necessarily them like Being mean or be you know what I mean?

Like it just might feel different for them,

But we're always Validated in how we're feeling I think it's always important for us to share that but do it in a very healthy way And not an attacking way I love that.

I love that so for example a healthy way you gave examples of like the healthy ways and then not use the I statements right because As soon as you start with you They're going to defend themselves and you the whole conversation is not going to go anyway how you want it It's just going to be an argument and you're both going to walk away frustrated and hurt And I so I love that you shared that point So and and I love that just going up saying like hey i'm feeling kind of confused about her friendship right now You know and that also gives them an opportunity to say oh my gosh I'm,

So sorry,

Like I'm going through this in my life and I just think about that and you know what?

It's almost like maybe this is too harsh of a phrase,

But it's what's coming up in my mind It's like no they want to fight for your friendship.

They don't want to lose you They do love and care about you and they just didn't realize That their behavior maybe they didn't even realize their behavior or how they were treating you or responding to you or you know Anything like that?

So you're giving them an opportunity to share that with you or You get feedback in another way too.

That could be really painful and they're just like,

Okay.

Well Bye,

You know sense,

Right?

But that gives you the information you needed also and it helps you have clarity with What you can do and sometimes it's not even ending a friendship completely It's just adding distance and shifting it and you could even shift this in your mind Like like I was saying earlier,

Maybe they're the friend that you go to for fun Maybe they're the friend you go work out with maybe they're the friend,

You know If they're not someone you can really dive into and share their arena with maybe they're just a friend you go hiking with I don't know.

Does that make sense?

It does and those friendships are all okay and I love the point that you made where it gives them the opportunity to Kind of be like,

Oh my gosh,

I had no idea that you were feeling like this Let me tell you a little bit about what's been going on and then they open up to you about something and you're like,

Whoa That makes complete sense.

None of this had anything to do with me So there is that scenario too that sometimes we build things up in our head and we don't even realize that What's coming from the other person has nothing to do with us?

So I love that point and then yes,

You're exactly right.

It could go in another direction where they're like Okay Like I see what you're saying,

But i'm totally fine and then you step back and you're like,

Okay Well,

Then maybe this is a little bit of a shift Maybe it is okay for this not to go as deep or be What maybe I was thinking it was going to be and that's okay,

Too yeah,

I think for me christy one of the biggest indicators of If I need to release a friend or not is like let's say I have that conversation And then it's how do I feel when i'm with that friend?

How do I feel when I leave that friend's presence when I spend time with them?

Am I feeling down?

Am I questioning myself?

Are they?

Making subtle jabs at me.

Are they being supportive of whatever goals i'm reaching at?

Like Do you know what I mean?

And if i'm feeling Terrible and down on myself and questioning Like my worth and who I am as a person and all these things and it doesn't even have to be that bad It could just be like that felt crappy.

Yeah,

I don't know if I like hanging out with them anymore Do you know what?

I mean?

That is enough of a like trust how you feel your feelings will always guide you Yes,

I fully agree with that and I think it's so important to pay attention to that and you're right Even if it's subtle and you're still like oh that just feels yucky like something about this interaction.

Just It's not quite serving me Then I think you do have to really perk up and pay attention to that as well and to what you're saying,

Too I think at the stage in life that we're in We don't really have time for just like for nonsensical Type relationships or things that aren't making us feel well I think it's important that we invest in relationships that are life-giving at this stage in our life we only have so much time as moms and with all of the things on our place that we're doing so continue to value your time and Value what you know who you are too in these situations?

So as I was saying like give yeah,

Absolutely give give give but i'm not telling people to be walked all over either exactly Exactly.

I love that and I because I know back when I was a people pleaser It's because I felt I wasn't lovable so I would take what I could get and now i'm like,

Uh,

No Uh,

No,

I do have my value and my worth and I know i'm a good friend So that's the thing too is like you talked about earlier too,

You know,

It's like not just Having a good friend,

But it's showing up as a good friend And what does that mean to you to show up as a good friend?

And that is one thing that I really strive in because I want a really good friend And so I want to show up as a really good friend I fully agree and I think too in that in our definition of what a good friend looks like Sometimes that doesn't match other people.

So we have to be very realistic of what a good friend looks like and we should never Expect people to necessarily like put their lives on hold for us or to Like yeah,

Sometimes we go out of our way for each other,

But it should we should have really like Expectations that are achievable and friendship too and not hold people to standards that are completely unobtainable because that's not healthy either Yeah,

So christy.

Can you give a couple of examples of what an unrealistic expectation of a friend would be?

So that might be I think at this stage in our lives when you know in your late 30s like all of the responsibilities that we have Like don't expect someone to drop everything that they have to be there for you at every second That is completely unrealistic to me.

I am happy to do it when i'm able to But you should never be expected to just drop everything.

That's my personal opinion on that Some people might argue that but if you're able to and the person needs you wonderful but also realize that people have lives and Responsibilities and they may not be able to have that conversation with you at 10 o'clock at night for two hours And give them that respect like understand that person's not being mean by Not being able to give you that time or not answering for a couple of days They just they have things going on and when they do have space for that If they're your true friend and they're there for you,

They're going to give it to you Okay,

Here's the I think a very common one too,

Which I want to get your opinion on.

So what about friends?

You hear from them all the time you're always together and then when they start dating sometimes they're always like All the time you're always together and then when they start dating someone they disappear or when you know what I mean So what about situations like that?

I think that that's very common.

I think we've all kind of been through that too.

Um,

It's hard I think you look at it and you say you know,

What is this person serving them?

Do they seem happy?

Does it seem like the relationship?

Is headed in a healthy direction and if those answers are yes Then I would give it that space allow it to play out and realize that it probably doesn't have to do with you personally Coming from that other person.

Yeah,

They're just really excited about this new relationship in their life and this is also time to Practice having a hard conversation and say hey,

I miss you You know ever since you've gotten together with so and so we don't see each other.

Like I remember I I had a situation with this with one of my friends a long time ago,

But I had told her I was like,

You know I really we don't see each other anymore.

We don't go out anymore.

So I said can we please get together one time a month?

Where we go out to dinner and go dancing and she was like,

Yes,

I would love that Of course then we made that and then it changed everything.

I no longer felt like I didn't matter anymore and all these things and she was like Happy to come and hang out with me And then it was like we had a special day to look forward together or to that We knew we were gonna go have fun together and connect So I also think those are times and opportunities to share how you're feeling and share what you need in a friendship,

Too I think that you and you that's perfect what you just said I think that's so important that we do have to also make Our expectations known if we don't communicate that to the other person then they aren't gonna know so when we do feel a shift in a friendship and it is one that we're wanting to fight for and that we want to Continue in then making that known like hey,

I do miss you.

I want some time with you How are you feeling about that?

Can we set a special time that we get to hang out or Do something fun together that we both enjoy.

Those are things that are so important and I think the other thing too is when like Like when you feel like someone might be pulling back,

But it's not necessarily something that shifted in the friendship It could be circumstances or that sort of thing Don't be afraid to reach out to them like still continue to pursue them send them texts Let them know that you're thinking about them and as to what you're saying let them know Hey,

I miss you.

Like I just want some time to hang out and usually that's taken very well Yeah,

I don't think people usually get upset Yeah You know,

Let's spend some time together and it also just opens up a conversation.

So when I like to think about is Hard conversations are hard for the majority of people and a lot of times people don't know how to approach it They're worried about the response And especially when they do value a friendship,

They don't want to as you mentioned earlier rock the boat.

They want to Maintain a friendship,

But they're not sure how to have the conversation.

So sometimes if you say Hey,

I miss you or i'm feeling like i'm not sure what's going on right now I haven't been hearing from you as much and i'd like to know,

You know Did I do something or is it something in your life?

It opens a door for an opportunity to have a conversation and so that's part of setting boundaries too like boundaries is really just It seems like such a big scary word when it's really just about expressing What how you feel and what your needs are and the first time you do it is going to be excruciatingly scary especially if you don't like conflict or You know,

You don't like it when people are mad at you You're worried about people being mad at you and all those things but also the other side of setting boundaries Is you get this bonus of really beautiful increased self-confidence?

I totally agree because you're also Setting appropriate expectations for you and what you value and I think we all have to value ourselves We have to realize that we are worth so much in every relationship And setting boundaries is a healthy way to do that But I agree it is scary especially for someone who tries to avoid any sort of conflict and doesn't want to upset someone or rock the boat or Like you worry deeply about that coming across negatively and what that's going to look like.

I definitely agree with you That's going to look like I definitely am someone who kind of struggles and plays these Conversations in my head before I have them and that sort of thing But for for the most part when you go at it in a very healthy way in an open way And especially like you're saying just letting someone know that you miss them Then it's well received and both people are going to come out on the other side feeling like they understand the friendship a lot more And what each person actually needs from it and is gleaning from it and it creates a more healthy space for everybody Yes,

And I also want to touch on this to see your your opinion on this as well or your experience So for myself when I was in this people pleaser lifestyle I was also I think I excelled at forgiveness because I wanted people to stay in my life and I didn't At that point in time I didn't understand fully that Forgiveness didn't mean somebody had to stay in my life that I could forgive somebody And they could also we could go our separate ways And I could just for me that just meant I would leave in peace and that I know that I did my part to try to see if there was any room to heal the friendship or grow the friendship and if there wasn't that I wasn't going to hold on to the hurt that I felt from Their behavior a lack of behavior expectations or whatever it was going on there That that forgiveness was something that I was already really good at just forgave people all the time,

Right?

But the key part was they didn't have to remain a part of my life if I didn't feel like it was healthy for me For them to be right and I think that that's so important.

Um forgiveness is on our end So we get to dictate that and we get to be the ones to say I forgive that action It's no longer holding a place in my life that's bringing me down or hurting me I've completely released it and I still love and care so much for that person but it's also okay if they don't accept me back or that The friendship or this relationship isn't what it once was that is okay And it doesn't have to be received on their end forgiveness comes from us It does not have anything to do with the other person and I think that's a really important point And I think that's a really important point to make That's so good because you don't have control if they're gonna if they even want to be forgiven if they even think they've even did anything that means to me needs to be forgiven and they're like And that I think is so one of the questions.

I like to ask my friends is what do you value in a friendship?

What are your top three?

Values or needs that you have in a friendship?

Because that helps me understand like can I meet any of them?

Am I am I meeting any of them?

You know,

Where could I step it up a little bit?

Um because and i've heard you say this several times you've mentioned the word value.

So How do you think?

I guess values and friendship matter like my values versus your values and stuff like that Sure.

So I think that's important too because what we My value isn't what somebody else might value and what's important to us in a friendship might not be the same as somebody else So I think that's any relationship even in in marriages and in dating relationships so one thing that I lean towards is um The five love languages and I think that that's even important in friendship.

So my love language is quality time So what I think that somebody might want for me is my time when really they just want me to text them And be like give them a little word of affirmation.

Like I really appreciate you.

I'm thinking about you today I'm praying for you today and to them That's like wow,

She really loves and cares about me,

But that's not my language Mine is actually having that face-to-face time with that person.

That's how I feel loved and accepted and appreciated so learning from each other and what actually Drives your feelings of value in the relationship As opposed to the other persons Those are important things to kind of talk about and place so that you can be on the same page when you realize that That you guys differ.

It's like this.

Aha moment and you start realizing Oh my gosh So sending that text means more to you Than getting like having us do something together that now makes a little bit more sense then I can provide that perfect Yes,

I love that and I love that I had love languages written down right next to that too.

So I love that You're on the same page because the love languages really make it simple To be like,

Okay.

Here's five categories.

Which one are you in?

Like what are your top two or top three and then it helps you feel like you can be successful in that friendship Not only are you having fun with them you're confiding with them.

You're growing together You're having these new memories and experiences,

But you know that like you said oh they like quality time so then you can shift in yourself how to You know show up that way and even defining so when I used to work with couples i'd always have them define What does quality time mean to you because for some people it's we can sit together on the couch and read a book And we're feeling good and other people want to be talking during that time So because i'm also my love language is also quality time.

And so that's why for me One of those uh when I hear people say oh I can go months and months without talking to you and then pick up the phone And talk like you know,

Nothing happened like yeah,

I can do that as well But I don't feel as fulfilled in that friendship if that makes sense Sure,

It makes total sense because that isn't innately how you do friendship So and that is that's different for everybody and I agree There's certain friends that are like that that no we don't have to see each other or talk for three months And then when we do it's great But the level might be a little bit different than somebody that I am sharing that quality time with on a more regular basis And knowing that that's what kind of drives me.

That's what I enjoy.

That's what brings me Fun life and enjoyment in the friendship.

So yeah And I think it's kind of the fun part On your own side of a friendship is when you discover somebody's love languages.

I think it allows you to be really creative in how to Apply them to your relationship and I think it's like something instead of being like oh It's different than mine.

I've got to dread this something that excites you and fuels the friendship I think so too and then another tool that I've used and have found really helpful and this is at my my best friends like Opening me up to this too is the enneagram so learning what enneagram type I am what enneagram type she is What that looks like in our friendships and how we navigate things and I think that's been really helpful For us and helpful for me and other friendships too and learning about people and their traits and things like that That's really great.

Yeah any kind of tool that helps you understand who your friend is on Just a personal level that gives you information and the key though is you got to use the information You can't just hear it and then toss it out.

You got to actually apply what you're learning Chrissy there was one other expectation.

I wanted to talk about that I get questions about sometimes through my instagram dm and I wanted to ask you and we're talking about expectations of friends So what if there are financial budget differences like there's a friend who has a higher income level?

And a friend with a lower income level.

What do you think are realistic expectations in that sort of friendship?

I think that's a really good one and that's an important thing to take into consideration I think that you need to look at doing things that are realistic and that are not realistic Doing things that might not involve finances So can we go for a walk together on the beach for for us living in florida?

That's a big thing Can we go to the park together?

Can we work out together those things that we share?

Um,

And what do those?

Those quality activities look like that might break down a financial barrier or does it involve like do you want to just come over?

And have a glass of wine Is that a thing that we can do together that doesn't necessarily involve expenses or that sort of thing?

But I think you have to be respectful of people too and when you're Inviting them to do something like if it is something that you know might be costly to them like think about that You never want anyone to be left out so that you can always mention it We're we're doing this and I would love for you to be a part of it.

But I also understand And that it's asking a lot.

So just know that I want you there But if this particular thing isn't something that we can do together,

Let's come up with something else that we can do That both of us are going to enjoy I love that.

That's such a good point that there's so many just tap into your resourcefulness find something and use their love language also as like a Like if it's quality time dude,

You can like exactly going for walks together is like that's one of my favorite things to do Mm-hmm.

Go for a walk and just have a conversation and maybe stop for a tea or something like that.

Um,

I think that and even even another way to do it too is like take turns driving student from like go to their house for wine come to their house for wine unless their love language is that uh I don't know.

They love to serve people then maybe they love hosting and there are words of affirmation So they host all the time and you just make sure to thank them,

You know,

Yeah like that so Yeah,

I think with that person that thank you text is so much more vital than you actually showing up for them In like when they invite you that follow-up is what makes them go.

Oh my gosh.

She actually appreciates me.

So Learning those things and learning what someone's love language and drive is what you're saying So so important and I think it's only going to bring so much growth and further value to the friendship I love that and so I kind of want to talk about how you would define Well,

Okay before I go there so i'm sure you've heard uh,

Especially In just like the self-help world the self-growth and you're writing a book so that Jim Rohn,

Right?

He has always talked about the five people you spend your time with Really influence you.

So what's your thoughts on that?

Do you buy into that?

Do you think it's wrong?

So I do actually buy into this.

Um,

I think that the five people you spend your most time with are a cult Like culmination of who you are.

I really do.

Um,

And I think that in situations where we are growing And we want to push ourselves It is okay to step out of your comfort zone and find a group that is pulling you up I have a perfect example of this my small group the women that I do have With in that group.

They have pulled me up and pulled me places that I would have never gone Had I not interacted with them and the fact that we are on kind of like scheduled meetings We know that every two weeks we're getting together and we're having that time together and I always leave feeling like I learned more that Not only did I glean from them,

But I think that I contributed as well So it's a very symbiotic relationship that I have with these women.

Um,

I think that's taken a long time to find I think that takes a lot of trial and error and you have to be Willing to put yourself into those situations which is terrifying But you're not going to regret it if you do and if you want to continue growing and you want to go further Then yes having that group of people however that looks or somebody that's further along or that you value or admire That is so important and the more that you are around them and spend time with them you do see shifts in yourself and your thinking Yes,

I love that.

So do you think that a friend can hold you back?

I do I think that there could be certain situations when you are growing and you're headed in a different direction And that friend that you might have had for a long time Doesn't quite get it or might see it as strange or Or might see it as strange or isn't necessarily in the same place where they've embraced that Then it can create a little bit of turmoil there And I think the healthy way to do that is like we've talked about those inner feelings if it just doesn't feel quite right You can try having a discussion with them if they still don't quite get it Then sometimes space is the answer but healthy space like you never want to hurt somebody or just cut them out you love that person but sometimes it might be time to Naturally,

Let that shift a little bit And how how do you think you can facilitate it naturally shifting That's hard.

And that's something that I think that I'm still working on and figuring out But I think it's it's like we talked about trying to have that conversation from a place of love and just saying Just saying maybe I feel like things are a little bit off or i'm starting to Feel that there's been a little bit of a shift Have you noticed anything or how are you feeling about things and then you kind of give them an opportunity to open up with you?

And if someone if they're not willing to because that does happen then Maybe it does involve just like,

You know taking a little step back not continuing to put so much weight on it and consistently like Bombarding them or wanting to be around them all the time.

You just kind of naturally like Okay.

Well,

I don't necessarily need to maybe reach out this week.

I'm going to give it a week or two and that's okay Yes,

I love that christine.

I agree.

That's what I do myself too is if I feel that something Like i'm putting more into the relationship than the other person is then I will Like if i'm feeling that all that like we've talked about if my insides are saying,

Um,

Hello something's not right here this is off and and if i've had a conversation but also And you might disagree with this and this is just my way of doing it if i've tried to talk to this person in the past About something and it went really Poorly,

Like they weren't able to receive it Then I may not keep trying to do that because I know that they're just not in a place where they're able to receive and so instead what i'll do is i'll just like you said step back a little bit and i'll stop being as involved my Texts will i'll still text i'm still going to be friendly and i'm still going to be interested in their life and all that I'm,

Just not going to do it to the level that I was doing it when I felt that it was being reciprocated If that makes sense,

It totally makes sense and I I do agree with you on that I think if it wasn't well received that first time then it is okay To take a little bit of a different approach and we have to like we said we have to set those boundaries You have to value yourself and know what you're bringing into the relationship as well yeah,

And I think that when we when you're talking about the five people it really shapes who you are and I mean if you even really sat down and thought about it Like if you wrote down your five people in your life and like disc and like really discovered What how are these help people like how is this person helping me grow?

How does this person like?

How am I my best person with them?

How do they inspire me?

What do I admire about them?

And how am I reflecting that in my own life?

And then if you have somebody in that list,

That's like Oh,

They're just taking from me and expending on my energy and well Maybe they can move back and you can make room for somebody who is going to help you grow Is going to help you grow and move towards your goals and that can just be an energy thing they don't even have to be doing anything like uh,

Showing up and running with you in a sense,

You know what I mean?

They could just be saying like you say hey,

I want to do this marathon and they're like you go get it girl You got this,

You know versus somebody who's like,

I don't think you should do a marathon Have you heard like you're gonna get blisters and you're gonna have to do all these things and do you really have time for that?

You know somebody or somebody who's like gently Making or subtly not gently subtly making jobs at you.

Like i've had friends who when we're hanging out they'll say Something about like oh,

You know us who are like average attraction or something like that And i'm like that's like a subtle job.

Like you're trying to make a comment on my appearance That's trying to make me feel bad about myself.

Do you know what I mean?

Like if somebody's making statements that are trying to hold you back Even if you enjoy parts of that friendship,

Maybe they shouldn't be your top five That's what i'm saying.

Maybe maybe they should not be your top five.

I'm gonna fully agree with that It doesn't mean separating from that person completely and I think that that would be the recommendation Of anyone that kind of talks about this topic.

I think that it's maybe just a shift in how much weight you put on it so and and you you don't you don't want to be brought down and I think that that friend we should We can speak truth into each other without saying like You know,

Let me list out all the negative things about what you're doing Like you're saying what's a marathon thing you you want someone that's like I fully support you.

I think this is awesome Yeah,

I think this is going to be hard to do but i'm here i'm rooting you on and whatever you need girlfriend I've got you like those are the people that you want to run the race with,

You know Yeah,

And I think truth can come in the sense of when they're asking for your opinion or asking for your advice on something Such as example of a friend's like i'm having a really hard time in this relationship you know because I have like most of my friends come to me for some sort of advice at some point in time just because of my Career field I guess your background.

Yeah.

Yeah my background and so I mean i'm gonna be honest with them But i'll ask them do you want me to be honest or do you want me to tell you what feels good?

Do you know what i'm doing?

And they're like,

No,

I want you to be honest and like,

Okay,

You know And i'll say like and i'll tell them that i'm not gonna be honest with them You know and i'll say like and i'll tell them the honest opinion and some people can take that and some people can't Do you know what I mean?

So with those friends,

I i'll still be honest but in a much more gentle way um Yeah,

But I definitely think that your five people you're spending your time with are either gonna make you or break you in a sense Just like your habits will Because the friends that you're spending time with help support your habits Fully agree with that.

I fully agree with that.

I love what you said too.

Like you're giving them the option like You're asking my opinion,

But I want to know are you okay with me giving my opinion or?

Would you rather me just tell you what's gonna feel good in this situation and you kind of give them that option I think sometimes like people will be like,

You know what like just give me the good stuff I'm,

Okay with just like what's gonna feel good and they're honest with you and you're like,

Okay,

That's fine And there's ways to go about that.

But I like what you said about kind of Navigating it that way and giving them that option to to see what direction to go Yeah,

Because then there's no like they're not leaving like wow stuff's in church.

She just like really Partner,

You know what I mean?

Stuff like that,

Um Okay,

So I want to also spend a few minutes talking about I know you have a book coming out in January Well,

Hopefully January,

Right?

Yes,

Hopefully January It's called black balloons.

And can you share a little bit of That process and how you even decided you wanted to take your story to the world especially because you come from the medical field and you're hopping into this whole new world of being an author and That had to have came with some fear some doubt some limiting beliefs So can you kind of dive into that aspect?

Absolutely,

So it is it's been an interesting road.

Um,

I am a nurse practitioner I love what I do.

I've spent most of my life devoted to learning medicine and nursing and psychology and in doing it the traditional way and then I was kind of opened up to a bit of a different world over the last year and Personal growth and I realized that these were things that I was already doing.

I've always been journaling I've always been doing journaling.

I've always been doing journaling I've always been keeping prayer journals and reflecting on things more.

So that started during my pregnancy with my son but during this process of self-reflection and really trying to get to know myself and also dig deeper in my faith I realized that The things that were in the pages of the journals could really help somebody.

I think that it Is relatable and I think that there's certain topics that I cover that a lot of women are going to say wow I'm so glad that I'm not alone in this and realizing all of that I started to believe It was working my story and most importantly sharing my faith So as I reflected on those journals and all of the things it rolled into becoming chapters rolled into becoming a book And I want to tell anyone out there like you have a story and your story is important And if it's laid on you to put it out no matter how that is if that's a podcast or if that's in writing if that's in speaking I want to encourage you to do it because there's always room for that and you never know Who that one person is that needs to hear it or can relate to what you have to say?

And what that can do for them and then from there you spark this whole This whole shift of like that person sharing what they're going through and then they're helping someone else.

So Yes,

It's so scary to put ourselves out there and to take that step But I think that the good that can come from it far outweighs all of that So what if somebody were to say to you?

Well,

I have a story and I want to share it but part of my story is hurt that Someone else has caused me and if I share this story Then people might look at that person in a different way So I can absolutely yeah,

So they don't share their story because they don't want to cause more pain I can definitely speak to that.

So actually in my case,

Um a lot of my story I talk about my relationship with my dad and what our situation has looked like and it Doesn't necessarily in the beginning paint him in a very positive light So we've had to have a lot of discussions about that and to the point that I actually had to have him sign a notarized letter Stating that he was agreeable to be in the book and the same for my mom because this is not just my story It's theirs too The beauty in this though is the healing that it's brought It's beautiful in the sense that we've had a lot of hard discussions and that both of my parents said We believe in the outcome of this so we support you in it Support you in it and we're more than happy to sign these notarized copies Now that might not be the situation for everybody and I fully understand that I also realize how lucky I am to be in that situation But I also want to give people Hope in the sense of that.

Did I ever think I was going to have the relationship that I have with my father today?

Was I ever going to be able to forgive him in that way?

And I am so he sees the value in all of that too.

So he was agreeable to it But yes,

That's a very very sensitive thing And it's something that needs to be fully considered before stepping out and you have to be respectful of other people Do you think it's a good enough reason to not share your story though I don't I don't I think if It's discussed and the other person sees what you're trying like what you're genuinely trying to do that It's not about painting somebody in a negative way that it's for the greater good that there are Really beautiful things that can come out of sharing it then I do think it's worth pursuing and moving forward with so you would also encourage somebody who wanted to share their story and if Sort of situation like with their parents to have the conversation With their parents and let them know give them a heads up like hey I'm going to be writing this book and i'm going to share my perspective of our Life together our relationship And are you like,

How are you feeling about that?

You know,

Where are you adding that because this is something that's on my heart to do to help people Not just to make you look like a monster,

But I really want to help people through their pain and their healing Yes,

And I think that's a perfect way to go about it.

And if the person is hesitant Then respect that I think there's ways to go about it that maybe don't um pull them to the forefront and maybe you can get a little creative and how that looks and No,

It might not be the right path for everyone to like lay Everything out the way that I have in a book but for me I felt called and pulled to do it So i've leaned into all of that and it might not be the right way for every person and that's okay,

Too But I do think that you need to pay attention to those stirring feelings inside of you that are pulling you to more Or that if it's a thought that continues to come up over and over and over again and it feels really strong that man I I should do this and then Is it?

Does it glide gently out of you?

I'll be honest the writing was easy And that might be annoying to people to hear but it's the honest truth writing this book was easy so I know that i'm kind of walking in line with my purpose because Yes,

There were harder chapters to write But it wasn't this like fight or battle to do so I think we have to pay attention to that as well when we're thinking of what creative process we want to go down So it kind of it just felt right for you it flowed with you And I love that and those are really good tips and that also just kind of helps set you up if you're gonna put this Your story out to the world being able to set boundaries and know what you're wanting to say is going to be important because Even if your parents support you are the person whoever it is that you're telling this story like your side your pain whatever there will be people who Might push back you like strangers.

You don't know people who read the book stuff like that So when you're in the process of it Even for yourself christie,

How have you prepared yourself for?

You know as everyone says haters,

Right?

Yeah,

So like how have you prepared yourself for any people who might?

Disagree with your story I think and that's tough and it's already happened I mean anyone going into a process like this?

Let me be very honest that it's going to be one of the hardest things that you're ever going to do And I had two girlfriends that were very honest with me about that speaking to good friendships who were able to come to me very honestly And tell me that you know,

We think this is great,

But you better buckle up and I think that that Like sometimes I can be a bit of a dreamer and I don't always think things completely through but their reality check has been really Important for me because they were exactly right.

It's been far more difficult than I could have thought going into it but still feel 100 that this is worth it.

Um and yeah,

They're It's a possibility of having a lot of negative outcomes.

I don't know how people are going to see this but again for me The biggest thing is that i'm rooted in my faith.

I trust that god laid this on my heart I trust that it's me and him in this process and I don't want to regret it like my whole Like future lies in my eternal future So when I go to heaven,

I don't want to get there and have god look at me and say hey I kept Ticking you with this book idea.

I kept telling you that you needed to share your story that you needed to share your faith And what i've done for you and you didn't do it Like i'm kind of wondering why you know you made that choice I didn't want to get there and have that discussion.

I want to get there and be like I did what you laid on my heart to do and That's I feel like i'm following through with that and if you keep that mindset and that's what I'm doing with that and if you keep that mindset and that's going to be different for everyone to do not everyone shares the same fate but I think that if you have your reasons At the forefront and you stay rooted in that that you can weed out the other stuff I love that and to me it shows also the strength That you've created within yourself and the value that you know that you are and that you've moved past that people pleasing stage in your life because You're no longer just trying to survive in relationships You're trying to thrive and enrich your life and enrich everybody that you can And so if you were still stuck in that people pleasing way this book wouldn't exist Absolutely,

It would not and it's a fight like it's still a fight every day and I think it's important to be honest about that I still make a ton of mistakes and there's a lot of mess that still goes on but When you have that core focus and you have shifted your mindset and your thinking and for me,

Like I said,

That's been my faith Then you're right the people pleasing starts to fall off and it it really don't matter as much I love that.

Okay.

So you said that there was certain topics Can you share like what some of the topics are in black balloons?

Sure.

So,

Um,

I like I said I talk a lot about my my dad and I's relationship that for me was my first black balloon black balloon is a metaphor for the first Really difficult hard unexpected thing that occurs in your life And for me,

That was something that defined so much of my worldview and my outlook on faith religion the church And just on life and relationships that one thing really had such a strong Defining force in my life and it took me well into my 30s to really figure that out and to work through that I also want to give people Strengthen that and realize that that's a process And it it doesn't necessarily come all of a sudden That's something that you for me has been lifelong work and still is but for me That was my first black balloon and that looks different for everybody So I kind of start there and then I also I talk about friendship in the book.

I talk about my first heartbreak I talk about marriage and a large black balloon in our marriage and what that looks like during the first year I talk about my struggle with depression.

I talk about loss And those are some of the biggest things that I have felt like have been super painful but I've seen the growth and the outcome from going through all of those things and how It's ultimately pulled me to be who God desires me to be biggest chapter in the book is what it finally took for me to surrender my life and that Is involving my son and I think that's what I've been looking for And I think that when we went through everything with my son,

My mom actually said to me God gave you this and he gave you this for a reason.

I don't know what that looks like But it is your responsibility to share this So someday you're going to figure out what that looks like But I want you to remember that and that advice coming from my mom.

She was exactly right and Sharing it in this way.

I think is in writing and in putting yourself out there It resonates with me and I feel like it is the right way for me at this time in my life um,

So that also has played a huge role in this whole process But I love it.

I can't wait to read this book.

It sounds like it's gonna be phenomenal.

Thank you.

That really means a lot Yeah,

I know.

I love it.

And so it's gonna come out in January And will it like be available at like Barnes and Noble and Amazon?

And all the places or just on your website or where will people be able to find it?

Yeah,

Definitely bars noble and Amazon There'll be links to my website Instagram is the easiest place to find me and The last finishing touch is just finishing up the cover of the book and we're we're ready to go.

So it's it's coming I love that and I do agree with you when you hear somebody else's story that You know,

Even if only one piece of it resonates with you you're able to see like there is a path to healing Right that I you don't have to stay in the pain but the pain is real and the pain hurts and it's valid and all of your feelings that went with that are valid and You don't have to live there.

You can move into Joy in life because pain is gonna happen in life but joy is also a huge piece of life if you will allow yourself to do the healing so that you can receive the joy Yes,

And that joy is beyond worth it and I just agree with you I want people to know that it's there and it's there for the most unlikely people so it's just important to remember that we're not alone in all of this and Sometimes sharing and being vulnerable and letting people in it opens the door for that and I agree with you I agree if there's that one person out there that relates to that one section of this book then it was worth it It was all worth it.

I Love that.

Okay.

So before I go into just some last questions that I like to ask guests when they come on I want to talk about for a second with somebody who's listening and they're thinking Uh,

I think I need to make some friends I need to make some friends that like level up my life and level Myself up and that I can help level up and I want my five people to be like this phenomenal five group where we're all just like Helping each other move into our uncomfort zones and just really thrive and grow and all that good stuff So how in the world do I make friends?

Where do I find friends?

What would you say that?

I think that that's hard Especially in this stage in our life if women are listening that are like in their 30s 40s Like this is a whole different world.

This is not college or high school where where people are just at our fingertips for access So you have to put yourself out there I hate to just like say that and I know it's hard and I know it feels super uncomfortable But you have to put yourself out there whether that's joining some sort of group I think for me that's been a big thing being able to find other women that share common interests and Then once you're kind of involved in that group It starts breaking out you start developing closer relationships with certain people are connecting on different levels with those people But that first step is really putting yourself out there and it can be hard to figure out where you should put yourself out there I think like we're part of a really great Facebook community that lifts people up and kind of encourages creativity So there's different groups out there online too.

So don't be afraid to join something like that um,

But also like search in your local communities whether that's a mom group or an Exercise group or a meditation group.

There's all sorts of options But I think that that's your first place to start and you have to just do it Yeah,

It's it's gonna be uncomfortable and that's okay.

You can do hard things Uh,

Well,

Absolutely one thing I'd suggest maybe doing is I can exercise because it Chris you did talk about journaling a lot So maybe if you got out like your journal or if you're not in the journal just get a notebook,

Whatever Just get a little pen and notebook and sit down for like 20 minutes and write out if you Could have a dream friendship What would that look like?

So write it out?

What would you guys be doing together?

Why you know,

I don't know.

How would you show up in that friendship?

How did they show up in that friendship and write it out and then think about?

Where would a person like this go?

Where where do you like to go?

What are your interests?

Do you like reading like how Chris do you listed off all those things?

Do you want to go exercise?

Like just go do it and it's gonna feel uncomfortable But it's only gonna get more comfortable the more times you show up the first time it's really scary So let's say you decide.

Oh,

I'm gonna go try this bar class,

But it's really scary.

I'm introverted I don't like doing this.

So give yourself like a I don't know like a hype Playlist or something like give yourself a pep talk before you even leave the house Dressed in an outfit where you feel really good and confident in and so put that outfit on Get your high playlist going So when you're driving to the bar studio You have the music going for you and give yourself a pop pep talk.

Like if you were your own best friend What would you say to yourself?

You know like really laid on thick to like don't go easy on this the first time you're doing it Like lay it on so thick that it sounds ridiculous almost Okay And that way it's gonna give you some of that bravery to go meet a friend and your energy is gonna show up different Right,

You're gonna show up with this energy.

That's attractive to Possibly the friend that you're hoping to make versus one that's scared and insecure You guys that Wow that advice was on point.

That's amazing.

Take notes of that Thank you Mm-hmm So Christine,

I just have like a couple of fun questions well,

I think they're fun questions,

But I like the deeper kind of stuff versus I surface so What is?

Something that you think is underrated Hmm underrated This is a tough one I would say maybe Being vulnerable with people and Sharing but knowing what level to share with each person like we've talked about kind of through this But I think that we're shifting in that direction where we're embracing vulnerability a little bit more But I do think that it might be a little bit underrated,

But I like to know that I'm not alone in things So it helps when I realize that I'm not the only person struggling I like that.

So when you're sharing something and it feels vulnerable and somebody responds in a way that I don't know maybe you weren't expecting it's a little bit harsher or awkward What do you do in that situation?

I think that you have to continue to just remain secure in your message and who you are and Continue to revert back to that because it's gonna happen It's definitely gonna happen and you you are you're allowed to feel off when that happens for a moment But always pick yourself back up.

I Love that because that is that is true that that will happen and it doesn't make your message wrong It just makes it they maybe weren't the person to hear it that day to receive it You know,

So I love that keep sharing it Anyway be clear and what it is like what your purpose is and why you're sharing it speaking with I love that and Can you share so when you talk about?

Like the fear the doubt the listening to the Like the fear the doubt the limiting beliefs and it is there like a specific step You did like a specific like actionable step to help you move through a limiting belief that you had.

I Think that that's come over time and to be completely honest It's a lot of resilience in life.

Like I've been rejected from so many things I basically was told that I would never be a nurse and now I'm a nurse practitioner I've been rejected from almost every nursing school that I applied to you on the first round so I think taking the steps to continue pursuing even when Everyone else is telling you know if it's on you that hard just keep going be resilient and I think that that's a process I can't really come up with maybe like a one Thing I think it's come from learning but I think resilience has been a big part of that.

Mmm.

I love that So let me ask you this then let's say you get to know What do you think in your mind?

Like what do you say to yourself?

I Think we have to think outside of that that it's not necessarily a personal rejection So always realize that it's probably not about you So take some steps back and think about if I want to continue going at this.

It's laid that strongly on me What does it look like the next time I put myself out there?

And just reflect on that but also realize that it's probably not about you Okay,

I like that.

So having to kind of talk with yourself like it's okay to feel this rejection It's okay to feel hurt and then keep going because if it's on your heart One note isn't strong enough to stop you,

Right?

And What is something you wish everyone knew?

Oh My gosh,

These are hard questions.

They're good questions,

But they make me think um something I wish everyone knew is that You have more within you than you realize That you aren't limited and it's something that I want to continue passing on to my kids That's so important that I instill that in them is that it's never too late You're never to anything to pursue something that is really late on your heart So just remember that that you are not limited and there's way more within you than you realize.

I Love that.

I love that you said that because that's one of my own personal struggles that I've been having lately is I'm like,

Oh man I mean,

I'm like 38 now.

I miss the boat I'm too old to do anything and so I'm having to be like like that's a limiting belief for me and I have to So I've been really working through that and so I'm glad you said that and also like Gary Vee's always talking about you Know you just started it doesn't matter your age like you have a lot and so it's funny because I didn't expect to feel that way when I turned 38,

But I definitely did and so It's nice to have that reminder of like you're not too old to do what's on your heart You are not too old to do what's on your heart and neither am I I fully believe that but I I can relate to Everything that you're saying but I think the truth is that time passes Anyway,

We might as well be working towards something that we care about like that,

You know use your time.

Don't worry about that It's it's all worth pushing if it's something heavily on you.

I love that That's a really great way of saying it like times gonna pass Anyway might as well be using it on something that resident that it's like joy in your heart.

I love that Okay,

So if someone gave you a thousand dollars to spend on yourself Hmm So and that's interesting because usually my first like with my personality type is to give so go and do so I like that you made that very specific So I would spend it on things that I love and enjoy it would involve an exercise program Probably SoulCycle because I'm obsessed with it and it ain't cheap Followed by that it would be a date night for my husband and I that wouldn't hold back It would be somewhere that we really really want to go and enjoy each other and then third thing would be Doing something with my kids that I'd been wanting to do so I know that that's not completely like to me,

But those are the things that bring me the most joy Yeah,

I love that.

It sounds like it would really fill you up and How would you describe a successful friendship?

I Think a successful friendship is one that is symbiotic I think it's where both people are gleeing from it.

Both people are growing supporting each other have the ability to Speak truth to one another and a really healthy way and are there for each other in a way that looks right for both of them I think it's a relationship that ultimately brings joy and not discomfort and strain and negative energy That's I love that.

That's a good one.

I love that definition and is there a book that Just Like warms your heart anytime you think about it you read this book and you were like,

Oh my gosh Was this book written for me?

Cuz it feels like it was so one that kind of like catapulted me to and that I still really love because I love his writing and I love his messages love does by Why am I blanking on his name right Bob Goff?

I write about Bob Goff.

So I'm I love that book and then I loved everybody always a sequel to it,

Too But I think that he's just awesome and that's one of my favorites.

Yes.

I have everybody always that's I was looking back Yeah,

I have a friend who?

She introduced me to Bob Goff,

Right?

He was like you have to read love does he you would it's like it would be the book So it's nice that you say that because I love everybody always also.

Oh,

It's so good.

It's just yeah,

It just shows How kindness really for me like kindness kindness is the answer to everything and I miss his cake.

Yes.

I love that Okay,

And so we talked about your exciting project of black balloons Do you have any other exciting projects coming up or anything else you wanted to share about?

That's the biggest focus right now is just working on getting the book in the message out into the universe and Just continuing to do our best every day just like you're doing being creative But also being there for your family and growing in the best way possible Okay,

I love that.

So let's say somebody's interested in the book.

Is there a way to like Pre-order it or sign up for an email list Sure.

So actually if you go to on my Instagram,

It's Kristie Lee Cronin I have a link to my website and you can go there and you can read the first chapter So if it's something that sounds interesting to you and you want to give it a trial run Please be my guest and go check it out.

Awesome.

And can you share what your website is?

Sure.

It's Kristie Cronin calm perfect,

And if somebody just like Loves what you're talking about.

Can they also just follow you on Instagram?

Is that okay?

Of course and please reach out I always respond to DMS.

I love to connect with people I want to hear your story just as much as I want to share mine So I love that and last question Do you have a piece of advice that you play in the back of your mind whenever you need it?

Thank you internally So don't think about what's happening in the here and now and remember that there is more to all of this So just think eternally Awesome well Kristie This has been such a pleasure having you on was there anything about friendship that we didn't talk about that You wanted to make sure to mention No,

I think we did a full kind of coverage on things I hope that this is something that resonates with people and that they're able to get some actionable takeaways from it I hope so,

Too and if you have any questions like any follow-up questions please feel free to reach out to me or Kristie or both of us or whatever you want to do and We would love to get back to even if you need brainstorming on like,

How do I approach this in a healthy way?

Sometimes it's just nice to have somebody who's outside of the situation to say Oh,

This could be a sentence to use and then you're like,

Oh,

That's so good.

Let me take yes agree fully agree Okay,

Awesome.

So Kristie.

Thank you so much for joining me today And I just really appreciate it and I just love your energy and the work that you're doing and I cannot wait to read back The ones well right back at you stuff.

This has been a wonderful conversation and I'm so grateful that you took the time to have me On and talk to me.

Thank you Awesome.

Thanks for listening to today's episode Remember you're welcome to download share and subscribe As always you can connect with me through Instagram at beautifully changed or through my blog a beautifully change calm I'm sending so much love and positivity your way Remember you are enough the world needs you and you make a positive difference Now go out there and create your best life You

Reviews

That was such an insightful discussion and exactly what I needed to hear right now as I am struggling as a 30 year old woman living a new lifestyle, in a new place, healing from depression and trauma and am having a very hard time meeting the right people who will pick me up during this difficult time and having that genuine symbiotic relationship with new friends. I have always had friends and reminded myself that quality is so much more important than quantity when it comes to making close lasting friendships in adulthood. I appreciate both of your ladies’ advice and am currently needing to have a conversation with a friend who I am feeling like is causing me stress more so than support and I have tried to have open and honest conversations with other friends without attacking them but even if they seem to receive and respect my opinions and feelings if anything positive comes from that conversation it never lasts. My big issue with this friend is that I feel like she uses me as an outlet for her anger or frustration when something unrelated to me happened to cause that negativity and since I am dealing with PTSD and am trying to avoid stress and conflict at any cost, I am so scared to tell her how I am hurting because she is one of my only friends nearby but I had a panic attack from just being on the phone with her. My intense reaction is not because of what she said as much as it was the trauma And burnout I am dealing with that she sometimes seems to forget about before getting upset and raising her voice when we were just trying to make a plan to see each other. She is highly sensitive too and has been through a lot as well which mostly has brought us closer but I know deep down I cannot be close friends with someone that makes me an outlet when she had a bad day and I have no clue what I could have done to upset her. I know it isn’t about me and sometimes she has recognized her mistake and apologized without me prompting the conversation but apologies mean very little in my opinion when the person repeats the hurtful behavior. I hope you could offer guidance on how to basically tell her I need space right now without making her feel attacked and leaving the conversation feeling even worse.