Episode 142: When You Have An Impossible Ex | Julie Beckerman

Coparenting & Relationship Coach, Julie Beckerman is today’s guest. And man, oh man, is she amazing stuff. Her tips are solid. Join us as we discuss: Relationship Conflict, What to do when you have an impossible ex, Blame vs. empowerment, When things feel impossible, Thinking, feeling, doing, Coparenting, Dictating the lessons you’re giving, Over responsibility, Questions to ask yourself, Big emotions, Effective choices and more! *There is at least one cuss word in this recording. This is part 1.

Transcript

Back to is addressing the emotions,

Not addressing the issue.

Right,

So what happens,

Right?

We were afraid of something or something causes us anger and you know,

Or something hurts our kids and we wanna fix the thing and stop the thing that's creating that feeling.

But what the first step is to address the feeling.

We need to get our,

Regulate our physiology to kind of a more leveled way so that we can now start to think about how to fix the problem.

Right,

We just are not in a good position to use our brains as effectively as possible when our emotions are high.

Hey there,

I'm Steph and I want to welcome you to the Beautifully Changed podcast.

This is where we explore how ordinary people do big things.

Welcome to your tipping point.

Well,

Hello there friends.

Thank you for joining me today.

It's always a pleasure to have you here with me and today I have a co-parenting and relationship coach from Aspire to Growth.

Her name is Julie Beckerman.

So whether you're going through a divorce,

You're already divorced,

There's a separation.

If you are in a difficult relationship,

This amazing woman is the coach for you.

So she coaches women,

She coaches men to help you figure out how to find peace when working with an impossible ex.

And we're gonna have a two-part series.

This week we're gonna be getting to know Julie a little bit more and just know some of her philosophies,

Some tips that you can start implementing today.

And then next week we're gonna talk about how to get through the holidays when you have an impossible ex,

Which is very fitting because Halloween is this month and we got Thanksgiving,

November,

And then Christmas in December.

And then there's all these special days in between.

And Julie wants to help you navigate them.

So perhaps this episode may not speak to you directly.

However,

Listen and if you know someone in your life that has a difficult relationship or is going through a transition or has an impossible ex,

Because there are so many out there,

Share this episode with them,

Give them some hope,

Let them know that there's somebody out there that is working to give them the tools so they can have peace and refocus on providing the best life for themselves and their child,

Even though they have an impossible ex.

Also,

I would love it if you would take a moment and give me a review because reviews,

Because reviews are like hugs over the internet,

They let me know that you are getting value from this podcast,

That it matters to you,

That you are appreciating the messages and the people who are coming on.

And hopefully you're getting some tools or some actionable steps that you're able to use and apply to your own life.

So please take a moment and leave me a review,

Give me an air hug and give me that feedback of what you're liking and what you want more of.

And also feel free to reach out to me on Instagram at beautifullychanged if you have a guest or someone in mind that you would love to hear as a guest on my podcast so that I can get to know them and invite them on.

Also,

I just loved,

Loved talking with Julie.

Her energy,

Her insight,

Her tips,

The way she breaks it down,

Her word choice is just so yummy to me.

I just loved it.

I couldn't get enough.

And that's why I invited her on for another episode,

Which again will be on next week.

So let's just go and enjoy that episode.

So here we go.

Julie,

Thank you so much for coming on the Beautifully Changed podcast.

I'm really excited to have you here because co-parenting and relationship issues are such,

Just can be like a heavy topic and a topic that can feel impossible sometimes,

Especially when it comes to co-parenting with an ex.

And even an impossible ex just like doubled down every skill that you need to have and your patience and everything.

So I'm really excited to have you here to share your expertise in that area and help guide any of the listeners through maybe some helpful tips that can help them with their impossible ex or just the relationships in general.

Yeah,

Thank you so much for having me.

And I'm so glad you reached out too because based on what you're telling me about your interest in this topic,

Like there's so many people that need help with it.

So thank you.

Yes,

You are so welcome.

I'm really excited.

And so for everyone listening,

Julie has her own coaching business,

Aspire Coaching.

She's a co-parenting and relationship coach.

And before we dive into that though,

Julie,

I'm curious if you could share something that has inspired you lately.

Something that's inspired me lately.

That's a great question.

So,

Oh,

Okay.

So the thing that I've learned like most recently that like kind of blew my mind,

Daniel Kahneman is a Nobel Prize winner researcher,

And he researches why people make the financial decisions that we make,

Why do we choose what we choose to spend money on.

And I was watching his TED Talk and he has this principle or this concept that we have two different selves and the problem or the issue that comes into our wellbeing or addressing our wellbeing is that we try to lump those two different selves together.

And the two selves are the experiencing self and the remembering self.

And so when I learned this,

It was like,

Almost like all the puzzle pieces of my mind like kind of came together and like it all kind of fit in.

And what was so fascinating and inspiring to me about this work is this idea that,

What we're experiencing in a moment is like we're experiencing everything all at once,

But how we remember it is like a storytelling.

And there's no way we can tell ourselves the story of everything we're experiencing at once.

So we pick and choose the pieces that stand out to us to kind of create a linear connection.

So he uses the example of like a vacation,

Right?

You go on vacation,

It's seven days,

Whatever the experience was.

And if like the first six days of that vacation was like great and you had a good time and then the last day something terrible happens,

Like a family member drowns,

Right?

Something like that.

Now,

The remembering self of that experience becomes tied to that moment or that memory,

Even though the actual experience was six days of really nice things.

And this can go in the reverse as well where we can take bad situations or bad memories,

But find the good in them and then the storytelling kind of shifts.

And so why this is like so incredible and relevant to what I do in conflict is this idea of what stories we tell and the way we tell our stories.

And so how we experience things is really just a moment,

Right?

The experience you and I are having is gonna last an hour,

But we can listen to this recording and we can talk about it and share it over and over again and go back over it in our minds many,

Many times.

So the remembering self actually,

The ability to take an experience and create a story that we like and wanna sit with is really crucial.

And so this kind of comes into play so much with conflict and gaslighting,

Right?

Because what we experience is what it is,

But then how we talk about it.

And so somebody's ability to craft a story that's more convincing than your version,

Right?

Can create a lot of imbalance or questioning of ourselves.

And so that was super mind blowing for me.

I love that.

That's such a solid point about how the way that we're experiencing our remembering it can shift our story of how we tell it.

And our story can impact us in a way that either uplifts us or holds us down or those around us.

That's a really solid point.

And it makes sense that that was something that inspired you because you are working with people who are coming to you with a story.

And if they're coming to you about working with an impossible ex,

Then that story is probably pretty heavy and pretty daunting.

Yeah,

Correct.

And in terms of approaching it,

What's really interesting about this is not trying to make a solution or find a solution to that the problem,

But breaking it down,

Right?

What is the experience?

And then how are we gonna think about it also?

And how we think about things,

Right?

We know influence is how we feel about things.

So changing our thoughts and the story of how we're talking about things will absolutely influence our present experience.

Right,

Changes.

So yeah,

It was,

And you know,

And it also provides,

Allows for movement.

And that's what we're always looking for when we're trying to change things,

Specifically when we feel like we're stuck with somebody who's impossible,

Right?

Because the impossible feeling is that there's nowhere to get movement.

And so we wanna break things down,

Right?

As much as we can into as small pieces as possible so we can actually start to move them.

And that was,

You know,

Another reason why this was just so fascinating to me because we don't wanna address how it feels with our ex in those moments as the same thing as how we then interpret it or talk to ourselves about it.

Because the moment of,

You know,

A conversation or a fight with your ex could be 20 minutes or five minutes,

Hopefully,

And right,

But how we remember it and then take that story is forever.

Yeah,

Really great point.

So I'm really curious,

Julie,

How did you end up wanting to work with people that have an impossible ex?

Cause I feel like that's like,

You know when you go to a restaurant and you see a sign on the wall that's like,

Do you wanna take this challenge of this 50 pound burger and eat it all in one sitting?

You know what I mean?

It's like,

And most people were like,

I'm gonna pass because that is gonna be- That's a lot of burger.

Yeah,

That's a lot of burger.

And I don't think I'm gonna,

I don't know that I can stomach it.

And you're like,

Ooh,

This is challenging,

But you know what?

I'm here for it.

And I'm gonna provide the space and the tool to guide you through it because it doesn't have to be impossible forever.

So what led you down this road?

You know,

It's funny,

I get that question a lot.

And you know,

When I went through it,

I lived it.

I'm,

You know,

And I'm sure my ex would say I'm equally impossible,

But you know,

I'm the one talking on the podcast,

So I get to say it.

And you know,

I was living it.

It was a full-time job and it was super important to me.

And I was finding ways of being successful.

And so it was like,

It was a full-time job.

So I just made it one because I was doing well at it.

And I see,

And like you said,

You know,

You just hear,

And I have tons of friends who go through this as well.

And I hear the stories and it's like,

Some of the things,

A lot of the things I hear,

They're not necessary,

Right?

There are ways that we can actually make the outcomes more successful for ourselves and our kids,

Which is ultimately when we're talking about co-parenting,

We should probably address the fact that it's about the kids,

Right?

Yes,

I love that.

Let's say that again for the people in the back.

It's about the kids.

You don't have this relationship with your ex for any other reason,

Otherwise it's over.

And I think we forget that,

You know,

We forget that this relationship has zero to do with the two of you,

You know,

Or the two of us.

It's like,

You know,

And so we get bogged down and I can launch into a lot more about that,

But.

I love that though.

It has zero to do with the two of you because I think it's hard to forget when you're in pain that your children love both of you so much and that there's such value and so many lessons taught when parents can co-parent well together.

So,

I mean,

Yeah,

Look,

There's gonna be lessons learned.

Your kids are gonna learn something.

They're gonna absorb it.

So you wanna kind of dictate the lessons that you're delivering.

And you can't always control the lessons that they're getting from other people,

Right?

Including their other parent.

And,

You know,

One of the things I think what happens to is that there's this idea that everybody should be co-parenting and getting along for the sake of their kids.

And the reality is,

Is that rarely happens,

Right?

It's like a huge story.

It's really nice when it does,

But the majority of co-parents got divorced because it wasn't working to begin with.

And now they have a big,

That divorce agreement between them.

And it's like,

That's not gonna solve all their problems.

The same problems still follow them.

And what happens,

Especially when you're dealing with someone who you feel is impossible and they've done things to harm you in the past,

Now you have to send your kid there.

And it's like,

Well,

If they can hurt me,

How can I possibly protect my vulnerable child from this person?

So it becomes about,

You know,

Your fears become about now needing to protect your child from fears that they don't necessarily have yet,

Right?

Because things that were vulnerable in you,

You know,

You fear you won't be able to provide in your child,

So now they're gonna be vulnerable as well.

And that fear,

It always boils down to the fear of being harmed yourself,

The relationship being harmed,

You know,

Or your ex harming your child,

Right?

So those are the three pieces when we're dealing with an impossible ex that come up that cause,

I think a lot of that conflict to escalate,

Right?

Cause fear turns into that anger to defend.

And so what we wanna do is really address those fears and get underneath what the fears are and make sure that,

First of all,

They're grounded in reality that we're not fearing something that isn't necessary to fear.

And then two,

Look at what the fear is,

What are we really afraid is gonna happen?

And then what are we gonna do about it,

Right?

How do we build up a defense around the vulnerabilities so that it's not a vulnerability?

It's got like,

You know,

A whole team around it.

And that's kind of the approach.

I love that.

This is such good stuff,

Julie.

So I was telling you,

Oh,

First I just wanna say,

I love how you said,

Dictate the lessons you're delivering.

Oh,

So good.

So good.

And I was sharing with you before we started recording for the podcast that when I found you on Facebook through a mutual friend,

I was so excited because I had watched a video from Jay Shetty where it had,

It was like about co-parenting and giving the message about,

You know,

Your kids are watching and they're,

You know,

So co-parent,

You know,

For the kids obviously,

But there were so many comments about,

Well,

What do you do if it's an impossible X?

Like,

What do you do then?

What if you are doing all these things,

But your X isn't meeting up,

Isn't showing up the same way?

And there was like really no answer back for that.

And so when I found that you do this,

I was like,

Oh my gosh,

This is a resource that more people need to know that you exist out there,

That you are helping parents do this.

And I know you talk a little bit about blame versus empowerment.

So I'm wondering if we could spend a moment on that.

I want to quote you that you said empowerment is not just a buzzword.

And I'm wondering if you could tell me a little bit more about empowerment and what you mean by it's not a buzzword and versus the whole blame aspect.

Okay,

So let's talk about empowerment,

Not just a buzzword.

So there's a lot of words in like the coaching community.

So if you're in there,

You hear words,

Mindfulness,

Empowerment.

I don't know,

We can probably throw out,

You know,

Being present,

Meditation,

I don't know,

Some of the,

All these like words that I kind of associate with like pop culture.

The word narcissist is one of those words where it's like,

It kind of has a culture around it.

And,

But the reality is these words,

When you really understand what they are,

Right?

Again,

We don't look at them as like one whole thing.

We start to break things down into their essence and their pieces.

Empowerment's not just a cool slogan for a t-shirt,

You know,

It's not just a cool hashtag.

Empowerment is really about the ability to take on responsibility for the things that you want to be different.

And I think what happens,

Especially in the women's movements,

Which I'm a total feminist,

But a lot of the women's movements turn me off because there's an element of like,

Men are to blame and we're empowering ourselves against that.

And then the women isolate themselves into these women's only groups.

And it's like,

You know what,

Like in my mind,

You know,

It's like,

It doesn't,

You can't push away part of what needs to be part of the solution kind of thing.

So that blame and empowerment is the idea that empowerment and blame are actually like direct opposite.

They're mutually exclusive.

One cannot be without the other,

Because you cannot take responsibility for what you want to have happen while blaming someone else for not allowing it.

Which is not to say that there's not responsibility to be had on all parts,

Right?

Everybody has a responsibility,

But the blame is,

It's kind of like my dirty word.

I like that.

Do you know,

I'm sure you know Tony Robbins and the coaching,

Right?

How he talks about blaming effectively.

So if you're going to give them all the blame for the negative things,

You have to give them the blame for all the good things that are happening as well.

And so I think that's the power behind empowerment is that you're taking it on and you're seeing that,

I just,

I love that you talked about that because I think that could be a topic a lot of people are hesitant to approach because of the backlash they could get from it.

Yeah,

But I think what you're saying too about like the buzzwords,

I just,

When you said like narcissist's a bug word,

Being a victim's a bug word,

Triggered's a buzz word.

Like people hear,

You know,

Like a while ago,

I remember everybody be like,

Oh,

I'm OCD,

I'm OCD.

And I'm like,

You know,

And it's like,

Everyone's a narcissist now and everyone's OCD and all this stuff and like,

That's fine.

But coming from a therapist lens,

I'm like,

Ah,

Technically no,

You are not OCD and that person is not narcissistic.

You just aren't getting along.

There's too much conflict there.

But you know,

Like you said,

It doesn't take away that there are people who truly are narcissistic and there are people who really do gaslight and there are people who really do play the victim role.

Just some people just,

I think heard the word and they're like,

Oh,

I read this book in the word so I understand it so I can apply it to everyone and it just kind of.

It's I lose,

The message I think is the only issue with that,

Right?

And so when these really powerful words and things,

Right?

Like mindfulness is,

You know,

Again,

That's like,

If you don't understand what mindfulness can do for you,

Then you might as well just like stay where you are and be a tree or something.

I don't know.

It's like mindfulness,

The ability to be aware.

So anyway,

Getting back,

I think when the power of these words gets diluted,

Right?

Then people stop paying attention,

Right?

Because it's just overflattened.

So we don't necessarily benefit from understanding it because it just gets kind of categorized as like all that buzzword stuff.

And that's why,

You know,

I kind of say it.

I really want people to understand,

You know,

Why.

Why I am,

I'm not shouting it because it's popular,

You know,

It's useful.

Yes.

I love that.

That is,

That's exactly what it does.

It dilutes the message.

Very,

Very well said.

Okay,

Julie,

Another quote that I just absolutely loved and I would like stand up and like jump up and down because it was so good is you said,

"'We are not responsible for another person's reasons.

'" Oh,

So good.

So can you tell me more about that and what led you to want to share that?

I think a lot of times this comes actually back to the blame thing,

Right?

So I think sometimes,

Especially when we're dealing with an imposter flex or someone who's really bullying and difficult,

Which is really what we're talking about.

You know,

There's a lot of verbal assault that goes on,

A lot of words,

A lot of right triggers being pushed and buttons being pushed.

And these are messages we might have been with for,

You know,

For a long time.

And I think when we are consistently blamed for things and somebody who wants to take responsibility,

Right?

We can feel like I can't do that because my ex will then retaliate against my kid and then it's gonna be my fault,

Right?

So again,

This comes back to like looking at the situation and trying to assign blame versus breaking it down into its pieces and taking responsibility for what's your part in it and then dealing with the rest.

So let me give an example to make that more clear.

If you are trying to like get something for your child,

You know,

Like you want to enroll them in some kind of activity.

And then your ex does something like,

Well,

They can do the activity,

But only if you agree to let them stay with me every weekend right,

Or something like that,

Right?

You have to give up this time and otherwise I'm not doing it because of X,

Y,

And Z.

And now you feel like,

Well,

I can't give that up,

Right?

Cause that doesn't make sense for my kid,

But right now does that mean it's my fault because my kid's not gonna get to do the activity,

Right?

So taking on,

Whereas,

Right?

It's you want to take on what you can,

Right?

Your piece of it.

So that was a very uneloquent way to kind of talk about that quote that you had mentioned,

But you know,

It's again coming down to understanding your boundaries and not taking on blame that doesn't belong to you.

I like that.

And I mean,

It doesn't always have to have the prettiest,

I guess,

Package to get to the point when you're saying eloquent way,

But it's like,

I think people can still get that.

And that alone,

Just the sentence alone,

We're not responsible for another person's reasons because at some point in time,

Like is it different when you're a child and when you're an adult?

Like when you're an adult,

Yes,

You've had challenges,

You've had experiences,

You've had to work through.

And at some point you can make the choice to learn new skills and to work through the reasons of using the old skills that got you through whatever you needed to get through.

So I think,

Because back when I was in school,

It was always about every behavior has a reason,

Right?

That's something we were always taught is so if somebody is doing something,

If they're doing a behavior,

There's a reason for it.

But I love that you're adding that you're not responsible for that person's reasons because that would mean they're responsible for their perceptions of the world and how they handle every situation,

How they cope with things.

So if you're gonna take on their responsibility of how they're responding in that one situation,

Are you gonna be the one responsible for every other decision they're making in their life?

That's a lot to take on.

And it's like,

That's not a real,

Yeah,

It's a trap for yourself.

The inverse of blame is over-responsibility,

Right?

So in the same way for you to blame someone,

Right?

Which is unempowering for them to hold you responsible for their choices is equally unempowering.

And that's where your boundary line is being crossed.

And so it's the classic abuse,

Right?

This classic abuse scenario where like the battered woman or whatever gets beaten by the man because she pushed him too far and now,

Right,

It's her fault you shouldn't have pushed me so far.

Otherwise right now I have to do that.

Well,

No,

Right?

There's a thousand ways we can always respond to one particular situation.

And that person is choosing that one,

Right?

So not taking on if that's what they have to do because of you,

Never,

Ever,

Never.

Again,

Julie,

I just appreciate that you're bringing up these topics that are,

Again,

Are hard to talk about.

And a lot of people will shy away from sticking to just the positive stuff like be happy,

Enjoy life,

Like stuff like that.

And you're saying,

Okay,

But here's the issue that we have to get through to get to that level of just enjoying the life and really seeing the fear of showing up,

Just even like an exchange of the kids for the weekend can be something that,

Oh,

Forget it.

Fear earlier can be one of the like,

That can be so anxiety producing and just like,

Okay,

And then when they get back,

I've got to reset everything.

Like the first couple of days are really hard,

That there's more disrespect,

There's,

They're not wanting to do their chores.

There's all these things that we have to readjust then when they're coming back home.

So when you are working with people that are coming to you,

Because of this,

And I mean,

The fact that they're even coming to you is huge.

And for anybody out there who's listening,

If you are trying to find ways to work with your ex,

To co-parent,

Like hands up to you,

Because like,

Seriously,

Keep at it because I mean,

What would you say to somebody,

Julie,

Who is like,

I keep trying all these different things and nothing's working and I just feel like giving up,

But I don't want to give up.

So what do you say to somebody in that situation?

First of all,

You have to understand,

Right?

Cause we all feel that sometimes.

And I think,

I would say to that person,

Okay,

So what does giving up look like?

What changes for you if you give up now?

Right,

Because I think the reality is we say that I'm done.

How many times have we all said I'm done?

Okay,

But what are you done doing?

You're gonna walk away from your kids?

No,

You're not.

And I think right there,

That choice is empowering.

Because you have the choice to walk away from your ex.

You can walk away from your kids and have no connection to this person ever again.

But you're choosing your kids over this difficult,

Over walking away from this difficult relationship.

And that's powerful because not everybody does.

So owning that too and recognizing that everything that you're taking on from here on out is an empowered choice because that's what you're choosing your kids is crucial.

You have to see it.

You have to understand that too.

I love that.

So,

Okay,

So let's say somebody says I'm done and then they're like,

Okay,

But I'm really not done because I love my kids too much.

And I really want them to have just an incredible life.

And so what is like a first step or an actionable thing that someone can do when they're working with an impossible ex to make it a little bit smoother for themselves?

Okay,

So if we're talking like an immediate solution,

The thing I always bring people back to is addressing the emotions,

Not addressing the issue.

So what happens?

We're afraid of something or something causes us anger and something hurts our kids and we wanna fix the thing and stop the thing that's creating that feeling.

But what the first step is to address the feeling.

We need to get our regulate our physiology to kind of a more leveled way so that we can now start to think about how to fix the problem.

Right,

We just are not in a good position to use our brains as effectively as possible when our emotions are high.

And so I think when we have that trigger,

The trigger,

We wanna create triggers to trigger our process and the first thing is recognizing it,

Which is again,

Mindfulness.

If we're not mindful,

We don't,

We can't be aware of what's happening.

So being mindful of how we feel,

Looking at it,

And then doing the things that work for us,

Which can be individual to regulate and bring ourselves down just enough to be able to think.

And the term that I use from a DBT is called wise mind.

Where you can use kind of both your,

You kind of have that knowing feeling,

Knowing yourself where you're just present and ready to go.

I love that.

So basically one of the first things you wanna do is identify your emotion.

And if it's one where it's,

You know,

Where they're feeling really mad or sad or stressed or something like that,

Where you need to self soothe.

Any big emotion,

Right?

Yeah,

Any big emotion then self soothe before you try to address the situation because if you go at it with that big emotion,

It's just gonna get even more out of hand.

Yeah,

So the concept really always,

And this is that mindset idea of like,

We always wanna make choices that are effective.

When we're experiencing big overwhelm,

Right?

We're not thinking as clearly.

So the idea is sometimes we'll make decisions,

Right?

That make the situation worse,

Right?

What we wanna do is make sure that the next thing that we do does not,

Right,

It is not gonna escalate.

It makes things compound the situation for ourselves.

And so,

Yeah,

We have to self soothe.

That is the first step.

The thing that I like to use to do that,

It's individual,

Right?

Because what calms you and what calms me are gonna be different.

What,

You know,

De-stresses people or what stresses people is gonna be different.

But one of the things that I teach people is to go to their breath.

And again,

Breathing is not a buzzword.

It's not.

It's the essential life force that exists within you.

So mindful breathing or belly breathing versus chest breathing,

And I don't know,

I don't wanna go through the whole breathing thing,

But if you're interested in learning more,

Contact me and I will walk you through and teach you this whole skill.

But the idea is that we breathe into our chest,

Which causes and activates the fight or flight response in our brain.

Because we're constantly multitasking.

We're living in a world where there is,

You know,

Cell phones and cars and people,

Right?

But we are belly breathers.

And so when we actually bring our breath down into our belly,

We signify into the brain that we're safe.

And if you think about it,

There's no animal on the planet,

Right,

That exposes its belly when it doesn't feel safe.

And we want to expand our belly,

Expose it.

And I don't know about you,

But I've spent a lot of years of my life holding my stomach in,

Right,

Wanting to squeeze it into tight pants and things.

And you can't breathe into your belly that way.

So we're living in a constant state of panic.

And so we wanna bring it back to our breath.

And what's really cool about that is what's the first thing somebody says to you when you are experiencing overwhelm,

Like,

Or freaking out,

Breathe,

Take a breath.

So we can be reminded in that moment to take a breath.

And it's also a really good way to connect to your kids when they're experiencing overwhelm and you sit together and you take those three breaths together.

The other piece,

Joe,

I mentioned is connecting with your kids in their moments of overwhelm,

Which absolutely happened through these co-parenting and divorce situations,

Is using that tactic of addressing your child's emotions before you try to fix whatever it is that you think their other parent did to make them so upset or yelling at them because they're showing this anger,

Right?

Divorce,

Co-parenting,

This stuff is angering,

It's scary.

It's angry and scary for us.

So it's definitely gonna be angry and scary for our children.

And we don't wanna make them feel like that's not okay ever.

So letting your kids know when they're experiencing it as well,

Like,

I see the anger,

I understand,

I acknowledge it,

And it's okay,

Of course you're angry.

This is angering stuff,

But we don't get to break things in the house when we're angry and that kind of idea too.

So really addressing the emotion,

Bringing them down,

And then you can start to think about your solution.

I love everything you just said.

And I just wanna touch on the end a little bit too,

Is that I love how you're talking about addressing the child's emotion before the situation,

Because before the issue,

Because not only,

I mean,

That's teaching them the emotional intelligence,

Which I think sometimes often gets missed completely.

And it's helping that child trust and know and understand their emotions.

And then it provides such a cool thing where you talked about earlier,

Dictate the lessons you're delivering.

So then you get to talk with them about like,

How do you want to self-soothe?

What helps you feel better when you're in this situation and what things could you do versus throwing things or breaking things?

So what could you do?

And then parents,

The beautiful piece of this is that you get to practice modeling it yourself.

And then they're seeing you do it and they're like,

Oh,

Okay,

Mom's doing this,

Dad's doing this.

So it is an actual thing.

And Julie,

I'm sure that you agree with this,

But if not,

Go ahead and correct me.

So part of self-soothing does not include stewing and whatever just upset you.

It is not spending that time to replay what made you so mad or what really got that big emotion going.

It's not feeding into that.

It's taking a break from it and finding a way to,

As you said,

Bring yourself back down.

Absolutely,

I totally agree with that.

I think,

Again,

Going back to what I was saying right in the beginning about breaking things down into their essence is so crucial.

And what you just said about addressing the issue and addressing the emotion are two separate things.

We have to break them down to be able to say emotions are allowed.

They have to be allowed because they exist and we can't get rid of them.

So you're going to feel this,

But now we can control the behavior.

How we think about it can dictate how we feel about it and then how we act on it.

Three separate things and we have to break them down and we have to help our kids understand that or what we do is shut down pieces of them or ourselves.

The cool thing that you said was like,

You get to model the behavior.

And what comes into play with that is we're human.

And so we don't do it right all the time either.

And our kids can see what happens when we kind of go off track,

How we bring ourselves back.

I mean,

We've all seen the quotes,

Right?

Fall down seven,

Get up eight.

Well,

Mommy fell down too.

And it's okay,

It happens.

It also helps you be more understanding of your kids because you're experiencing it and you see that you can get off track too.

It's like once you create that language around emotion,

Which is universal for everybody,

The experiences we have that create the emotion are infinite,

But the universal kind of finite amount of emotion,

When we connect there,

We can actually empower ourselves through almost anything.

Right,

Because anything that causes sadness,

We can deal with the sadness.

Anything that causes anger,

We learn to deal with the anger.

We start trying to pick off each thing individually one at a time.

It's like,

Let's say it's like trying to carpet the earth instead of getting a pair of sneakers.

Like you can't,

You know,

It's like,

Get your kids the sneakers,

Please.

So,

Yeah.

I love that.

And also just while we're on this topic,

Myself even,

So I have a six-year-old and it's so cool to see him know his emotions because even if I go up to him and I'll be like,

You know,

If he's upset or something and I'll say,

You know,

Are you mad?

What,

Like what's going on right now?

Are you feeling mad?

And he'll be like,

No,

I'm really sad.

You hurt my feelings.

And then I'm like,

Okay,

Let's talk about this.

You know,

Like he has the space to correct me on my emotions.

And now sometimes he'll even come and ask me and he'll be like,

Are you sad right now?

And I'm like,

Oh no,

I'm good.

I'm happy right now.

And he's like,

Okay.

You know,

Cause maybe I wasn't smiling or maybe I was like,

Had my concentration face on or something.

So it's giving him that permission to notice that and build that empathy piece in other people.

So.

That's so cool and it's like you've made him mindful.

Right,

So now,

Right,

He's aware,

Right?

He's being mindful of other people's emotions,

Right?

Which is,

That's the idea,

Right?

Because you've drawn his attention to it.

And you know,

Just to kind of share too,

I have a 12 year old girl.

So we're talking middle school,

Preteen,

Right?

The whole shebang.

And you know,

Because of the work that I've done with her,

You know,

We had,

She's gonna kill me as she hears that I shared this probably,

But she had this moment where she kind of just lost it.

You know,

Like she'd come home and like,

I think a vase fell over and then it fell over again.

And she just like screams and runs upstairs and I'm like,

Dinner,

I thought,

Okay.

And then I went up and it was like,

What's going on?

I don't know.

I don't know,

I don't know.

And it was like,

She freaked out.

But then it was like,

Okay,

I'm just feeling that way.

It was like over because it was like,

She's just dressed and tired and fit.

And then she could bring herself down.

And I think that's the idea too.

And my ability to understand my own,

You know,

Moods recognize that in her as well.

She just had it and she knows how to handle it,

Even when it experiences it.

So that's really the key.

And does not take over the household.

You know,

I hear a lot of people with young kids,

You know,

Middle-aged kids too,

Like it takes over the home.

But,

You know,

I think when we create that space for those emotions to be in a safe way,

It never,

You know,

Doesn't.

I love that too.

And it's giving them the permission to fill those moments.

And then when they have that,

They can move through it really quickly versus trying to stuff it down.

And then it just keeps exploding because it had nowhere to go.

So I love that example,

Julie.

Hopefully,

If she does hear it,

She'll notice it.

She's like,

Oh,

That actually helps people by hearing that example.

She will,

Yeah,

She will.

That it is possible for 12 year olds going through all of that stuff with their hormone change too to also show up that way for themselves.

So Julie,

You mentioned the breathing exercise.

I wanna go back there for a second because it is so,

So important.

And there's a million different breathing exercises that you can do.

So what is one that you've found?

Do you like count in,

Hold it,

Release it?

Like what's a breathing exercise?

Somebody who's listening and they're like,

You know,

Maybe I keep hearing about these breathing exercises.

Maybe I will give it a shot.

And- Yeah,

Sure,

Yeah.

Because you know what,

It's funny too,

Because I was kind of glossing over it.

But yeah,

I mean,

I read a lot of them too.

And there is just kind of breathing and focusing and being mindful of your breathing,

Which what that does is also create space for like your body to regulate.

You had mentioned something earlier about addressing the emotions being really just to kind of get your physiology.

It's really getting your adrenaline system back down.

You wanna regulate your heart rate.

You want like the breathing to slow down the body.

And that's really what we're doing so that the brain processing is working more clearly.

So,

Okay.

But then the breathing piece.

So the technique is to take air basically in through your nose,

Down the back of your throat and filling the belly,

Really open like a balloon.

And the reason of doing that,

So we would put one hand on our belly,

One hand on our chest.

Take air in through your nose,

Down the back of the throat like an elevator,

Expanding the belly like a balloon and holding it.

When you really get comfortable,

You can actually hold it.

Like sometimes I can actually hold it and talk.

And then when you're ready and you feel comfortable,

You bring that breath back up the elevator,

Out through your nose.

We wanna hold on to as much oxygen for as long as possible.

And we want the diaphragm to get expanded so that actually the lungs can absorb as much oxygen as possible as well.

Again,

When we breathe into our chest and think about when you breathe into your chest,

When you're panicked,

When you're short of breath,

When your body's going,

I need oxygen,

I need oxygen.

It's essentially a form of panic.

So,

Right,

It's activating and making you more stressed.

So the minute you can draw attention to your breath,

Take the breath out of the chest and bring it back down into the abdomen.

You can actually feel your body like I'm more calm because you're activating the part of your brain that tells you you're safe.

I love that.

I love that.

That is a really,

Really good tip.

And I went to a conference,

Like,

I don't know,

So many years ago,

Maybe like 10,

15 years ago,

And they talked about,

This guy,

I can't remember the speaker's name,

But he talked about giving yourself like a glute check every once in a while or just just like a glute check.

So I can't remember the speaker's name,

But he talked about giving yourself a glute check every once in a while or just check if you're really clenched up tight because of the,

You know,

Like if you're really stressed too,

You're like clenching your,

Because you're talking about that fight or flight or,

You know,

Response.

And if you're clenching your pelvic area,

You're like getting those nerves that will send you into fight and flight.

So just like do a check as well when you're doing that breath.

Are you tense anywhere else?

Like relax your pelvic area where you're sitting because he was like,

If you're ever going by,

Driving by a semi and you're clenching that steering wheel really tight and you're really stressed out and you're clenching your butt cheeks together and everything,

If you just release it and you stop clenching so hard,

You'll find that you can breathe and it's not gonna be so intense and scary when you're,

You know,

Passing that semi on the highway or something.

And so I started experimenting with that with myself and I was like,

Dang,

This really works.

So I also add that to any client that I've ever had,

Like do that clench check yourself to make sure that it's not increasing that fight and flight because if you're clenching and you're doing the belly breath,

You're gonna think this isn't working.

Julia and Steph don't know what they're talking about.

Julia and Steph are crazy,

Right?

But if you're not clenching and you really are doing that breathing and holding that breath,

You'll find,

Like you'll be like,

Wow,

Why didn't I try this or know about this years ago?

This is phenomenal.

It's like in three seconds,

Your whole body can change.

Right,

Yeah,

It's like,

Yeah,

You can do it anywhere.

You can do it really fast.

It's like,

Yeah,

It's like amazing how our bodies are actually built to serve us.

I love that,

I love that.

And in three seconds too,

That's such a good point.

Like three seconds and change.

Right,

Everything.

Yes,

That's so good.

There's no excuse not to just try it.

And I think you're right too.

I think about the body scan too.

I think one of the things too is when,

The fact of filling your belly,

Like you can't clench your belly and fill it at the same time.

So it's like,

It kind of forces you.

And then like that body scan of the rest of you and what else is anything else,

Clenching and stuff and always.

It's such a good metaphor too for the Buddhism concept of attachment.

Right,

Like attachment is the source of all suffering.

Even when you are like holding on to your muscles.

It's like,

Let it go and everything will be better.

So yeah.

I love that.

Okay,

So Julie,

I'm kind of curious if you can share a little bit of,

Because like you've started your own companies,

You do your own coaching business and all of that.

And for those who have ever wanted to do something like a project that was on their heart.

So obviously this is something you're very passionate about is working with people and helping them through this issue so that it's no longer an issue that they have to face.

And what would you say is something that you've done to help yourself move through any fear or doubt that comes up and tries to block your path?

So,

I got to ask that question a lot because I've gone through a lot of things and I guess I tend to navigate through pretty big challenges really well.

And I think the key for me is having an anchor.

It's like,

What do you want?

What's your goal?

What's the point?

So again,

Going back to like co-parenting is for your kids.

One of the things that was super helpful for me was understanding how this relationship was serving my kid.

So what are anyone who's been involved in divorce has heard the term best interest of the child and everything around this,

The decisions are always kind of drawn back to the kid.

How is this gonna affect your kids?

What's best interest like,

Well,

What you think is best and what I think is best and clearly what my ex thinks is best is might be very different from me.

So like,

What does that mean?

And like,

What matters and what do we look at?

And it's trying to figure out what's best for your kid,

Break that down.

What's the best thing for your kid?

Like,

Sometimes that's getting real clarity on that.

So the thing that I think is really important,

Again,

I went back to it,

Is breaking things down into their pieces.

Right,

Because saying best,

It doesn't do anything for you.

It doesn't help you make any decisions.

You have to understand what those things mean so you can start to make effective choices and get rid of the rest.

And that's what's helped me is to find the space,

Find the room to break things down so I only have to deal with what is necessary and I can get rid of the rest.

That's the key.

I love that.

That is such a good point because sometimes we wanna skip steps and get to that best,

But there's work to be done before we can get to the best so that the best can actually last and be like a true best,

Right?

So I love that.

Do break it down into little manageable steps so that it doesn't feel so impossible.

Yeah,

It's breaking it down into little steps.

It's identifying,

Right?

It's getting clarity,

Right?

Like,

It's getting real clarity on what your goals are.

So I don't know about you,

But I don't know how many times,

Have you ever been in one of those ridiculous conversations with somebody that just makes you crazy and you walk away and you're like,

You don't even know what you talked about or why?

It's like you just lost 30 minutes of your life in a fight about you don't even know what.

And I think a lot of times with these co-parenting,

It's back and forth.

It's like,

I mean,

And in the beginning of my relationship,

I definitely got more engaged in these back and forth than I do now because I have more information.

I know what the goal is and I know why I'm in that conversation.

We're either getting there,

We're not getting there.

It's either productive or it's not.

And then I make the decision,

Do I move on to the next step?

Am I gonna stay in that step?

It's not working,

It's not reaching the goal.

And I think we forget that if we don't know where we're going,

We have no idea if we got there.

And we have to know.

It's like,

What do you want?

What do people want and what does that look like?

And when you get there,

You can stop.

You don't have to keep going with your ex anymore.

But we do,

We keep going because we haven't realized that we got what we were looking for.

Or that we're,

Which might be,

Especially with an impossible ex,

Your ex isn't going to work with you.

So stop trying to make them,

Do something else.

Let's find another answer to get to the goal.

Your ex is one option.

I love that,

Julie.

It's like a way of interrupting a pattern that has been set in,

Like trying to,

Like I love how you said,

Stop trying to make your ex do,

Like work with you.

Cause they're just not going to.

So use that energy towards something else.

Because,

And just that alone is where you're gonna break a pattern.

And when a pattern gets broken,

Things can open up and change.

Maybe not how like in a dream world,

What it could be like,

But it could at least maybe get better or at least get different than what it is right now.

Yeah,

It's going,

In the end,

It's like,

I think if we have an expectation of how it needs to be to be better,

We need to break that pattern too.

Because you don't know what it's gonna look like when it gets better,

Because it hasn't been better yet.

So you don't know,

What it actually is might be better than what you imagined.

So,

The idea is to make decisions that are going to be more effective to get you what you want,

Right?

And in order to do that,

You have to know what you want in some way.

And you certainly have to know what you don't want.

And sometimes we start there.

It's just at least not do this and try something else like you said.

You know,

It's like,

We know,

Yeah.

I mean,

It has to get better.

It's impossible to not get better when you're making decisions that are bringing you closer to what you want.

Doesn't matter if it's,

You know,

This much or this much.

So,

Yeah.

Yes,

Yes,

That is so good and so true.

And again,

I'm just,

Oh,

I'm just loving what you're saying.

Oh,

Okay.

And bringing to the table because there's so much truth to it.

And it's not being delusional in this like positive world.

It's like,

When you do this work and you make the shifts,

There's a ripple effect that just comes from it.

And when we get in this cycle,

We can be like,

If we're trying to get someone to change,

Like we can't change people.

So then we end up feeling like,

Oh my gosh,

I feel so crazy and so stressed out.

And then we can get trapped in that.

And so the tools that you're talking about,

Even just finding your breath,

Like even if you did that before you called your ex to figure out something or before you sent him a text or something,

If you did that breathing exercise,

You're already starting off in a different place than you had yesterday when you didn't do the breathing exercise.

Oh,

Yeah.

I mean,

Right.

I mean,

There's so many ways that we can.

.

.

So for me as well,

I find there are things that I did six months ago that I changed how I do them now.

And what's really cool about the things that I teach my clients is that,

It's not like one time use,

Right?

Where you're using it for this relationship and this one time.

These are the skills of how you're gonna approach every altercation or bully or difficult person.

Even if it's not all in one spot,

Everybody has difficult aspects of their personality that affects relationship and how you react to that.

And it's game changing.

I don't know why everybody's not calling me,

Frankly.

You should all be calling me.

And the other piece is too,

Is it's like two for one because you're learning the tools of how to show and coach your kids.

You're learning to coach yourself and coach your kids.

So how many kids are in therapy,

Which is great,

But wouldn't it be great if you could add to that,

Add to their toolbox,

Be speaking the same language?

Yeah,

You're right.

Because therapy is only one hour a week and then they got all those other hours.

So if you're like doubling down and like modeling at home and practicing at home,

Then you're gonna be like,

Wow,

This is really paying off because therapy can be expensive.

So yeah,

Yeah,

100%.

And lawyers are expensive.

And trying to work with your lawyers and spending money there to help manage the never ending nonsense with your ex,

It's a fortune too.

And it's like,

They can't,

The courts can't always protect you from bullies because bullies don't always break the law.

They're just bullies.

So learning how to deal with that is,

Again,

Everybody should be calling me.

So I don't get it.

I love it.

And Julie,

What is a limiting belief that you've worked through and what was the first step that you took to start working through that?

Okay,

So I probably wouldn't have known at the time that that's what it was called.

So I had a struggle to get into therapy but I had a struggle with an eating disorder.

I was a compulsive overeater.

I probably fluctuated on the scale.

I went up over 100 pounds and down 50 pounds.

And until I started doing some of this work around understanding new concepts,

I had this belief that I didn't have certain abilities.

It was something that was innately wrong with me that I was never going to be able to overcome this food thing.

And food issues turned into drug issues and I was never going to be,

I wasn't in control.

I had no way of controlling my own self.

So I couldn't trust myself or feel safe in my own skin.

And the belief,

I think,

That there's something innate that creates the life we have,

That's sort of unmovable or it's fixable,

I think that was the limiting belief.

That we can always,

Everybody has the ability to change relationships,

The relationships they have to people,

To things,

To memories,

To themselves.

I love that.

And do you remember your first step in your journey of changing that thinking?

What was the first step?

The first,

You know what,

The first step was,

I mean,

They always say like recognizing I needed help.

But past that,

It was finding the right support.

So you can get support and you think like that person is an expert or they know and so this is kind of,

I've gone through it and it doesn't help,

But I think finding the first person who kind of like had that same,

Like she said something and I was like,

Okay,

I get it.

Like I felt it.

I felt it.

So don't stop.

You know,

The first step,

Don't stop.

I probably went through like,

I went through a lot of things until I found what worked for me.

I love that.

That is a really good point.

So if one thing didn't work,

Don't just give up and throw your hands up and be like,

I'm done,

Right?

Because again,

That would be another time to ask yourself,

Well,

What are you done?

Right?

Like you said.

Yeah,

What does done mean,

Right?

Yeah,

What does that mean?

How did that look in your life?

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then just keep experimenting because that's what's so cool about personal development is there could be like a concept,

But you can tweak it in so many different ways to make it work for you.

And I'm guessing that's one thing you do,

Julie,

Is when you are working with people,

You find a way to make these techniques really work for them so that they can feel successful in what they're doing.

Would you say that's true?

I would say that's my gift.

And I,

You know,

The way you just put it and I'm a fitness instructor,

I'm a volleyball coach,

I'm a relationship coach as well.

And I also have a learning disability and was diagnosed with ADD in my 20s.

So I have an APD,

An auditory processing disorder.

So for me,

Learning was always like,

I was always a slow learner.

It always took me a long time to get something because I need to see it visually in my brain or I can't like process it.

And so,

And I didn't even really understand that.

And again,

And getting the diet.

So I think the level of detail that I need to be able to understand things enforces me to deliver the same information with that level of detail,

Because it's the only way I know how to understand it.

And what that also does is breaks it down for the way everybody learns.

Because,

So I see it a lot with like my kids in volleyball too.

It's like,

It doesn't matter what level they're at because like understanding one little tweak,

Straighten that arm,

You're bending your wrist,

Right?

Like just noticing those details creates huge results.

And that applies here as well.

That's awesome.

I love that.

It reminds me of the books,

The Talent Code,

Because I talk a lot about coaches and like how excellent coaches,

They just pay attention to the small little things and they'll make these like little corrections and like it's like the deep work that changes everything.

So.

Yeah,

Yeah.

Again,

I keep going back.

It's like,

You have to address the essence,

Right?

So if you,

It's like if you think of issues kind of as a seed and then they sprout,

Right?

And now we have the leaves and maybe the flowers and like,

If you just keep picking those flowers off,

Like it's just gonna keep growing.

You have to get to that seed and understand what's underneath it,

Right?

If you just look at what's showing up and don't get underneath,

Like you had said,

Everything has the reasons or gets behind the reasons,

Not to take them on,

But to move on with them or understand them and break them down,

It's impossible not to get movement.

You know,

It's like,

You're just gonna,

You're just gonna.

It's just gonna keep going.

I love that.

It's just gonna.

Julie,

What is something you would say is underrated?

Something that's underrated.

God,

A lot of things,

I guess.

I think curiosity is underrated.

If I have to get like high level about it,

You know,

I think curiosity is like the antidote to,

You know,

Fear.

It's the antidote to judgment.

It's the antidote to like divide and all that.

And I think,

You know,

It's curiosity,

Starting with ourselves.

Like I think we underrate how much access we have to ourselves and how powerful that is and how many questions we don't ask.

So we kind of,

In a sense,

I think of it as like,

The word shadow has been coming up so often,

But it's like,

I did like parts of ourselves just live in shadow because we don't know them and we're not mindful of those parts of ourselves.

So I think the more curious we can get about all the things,

Even the hard things,

Especially the hard things.

Let me think of more of that.

I love that answer because,

And if you think about this too,

Right?

As parents were teaching this to kids just by modeling and also by having conversations with them.

And when you were little,

Did you ever hear that line of curiosity killed the cat?

Yeah.

Right?

So that almost dismisses that natural instinct to be curious and to experiment with things.

And so,

Cause at first I was thinking,

Yes,

So just like dive into that curiosity,

But there could be a hesitation there from people because of that saying,

Curiosity killed the cat.

So I guess if you're one of those people who believe that,

Maybe take a moment and like contemplate it and think about what curiosity could mean for you and how you could use it in your life.

And curiosity doesn't mean you have to do,

It just means you're examining it with a different lens of wanting to know more and to understand and being curious.

And that's,

I love that answer.

That was really,

Really insightful.

Thank you.

And I think the point you're making too,

That like,

Don't be nosy,

Right?

Like there's a nosy,

Or you're crying in certain ways,

Or even,

We don't talk about those things,

Right?

It's like,

But I think that there are skills that we can develop too,

So that we can tolerate the defensiveness that comes up in other people when we show curiosity,

Right?

Because if we're curious and our parents like,

Don't be nosy,

Well,

That's because they don't want you to know something because they have fear if you know something,

Right?

But you don't know that as a kid.

So we develop these beliefs and understanding when people show up that way,

That it's really coming from can help us create more strength around or resiliency around it when it does show up,

Because we don't take it in.

We just sort of experience it,

But we don't remember it as a critique.

Hmm,

I love that.

And Julie,

What is something you wish everyone knew?

I wish that everybody knew that they are more powerful than their experiences,

What do things that happen to them?

You know,

You can have the life you want,

Or you can be effective in the life you have,

Regardless of what is happening around you.

I mean,

It doesn't mean it's not gonna slow you down,

Doesn't mean it's not gonna suck,

Doesn't mean you're not gonna hate it.

I mean,

I hate traffic,

But,

You know,

Eventually I get where I'm going,

You know,

And I can sit in the traffic and curse off,

Or I can turn the radio up and,

You know,

Annoy the people next to me if my window's open.

It's,

You know,

So I think that that's the thing,

Right?

It's like,

Don't lose sight of where you're going even when the roadblocks come up,

Even when like a path detours,

Because it's inevitable,

It's part of it.

Take it in,

Take what you're gonna get from that,

Right?

Your destination will be there when you get there.

I love it,

I love that.

And do you have like a book or a TED Talk that you were like,

Ooh,

This was a game changer?

So again,

The one,

For me,

The one that I just was the Daniel Kahneman TED Talk,

And his name is spelled K-A-H-N-E-M-A-N,

That's the last name.

It's,

You know,

It's Nobel Prize,

You know,

Heavy.

So the other ones that I loved.

Okay,

So totally not connected to this at all,

But there was a TED Talk about,

This guy did about prime numbers.

It was like two minutes and he does a poem and not connected to relationship.

It is kind of a little bit about relationships,

But between odd numbers and odd people is his like metaphor.

I thought it was totally different.

So look up TED Talk on,

You know,

Poem about prime numbers.

I think I've heard that one.

Really?

I was like,

Yes,

Cause it's more like a slam poetry,

Right?

Like a slam poetry,

Yeah.

Yes,

Yes.

And I was like,

Ooh,

That's good.

I love slam poetry though.

That's sort of my life.

Oh,

Me too,

Yes.

The Poetry Jam,

Did you ever watch The Poetry Jam?

No.

Oh,

You have to YouTube.

All right,

We're gonna talk after.

Deaf Poetry Jam is like,

It was a whole series with,

What was the name,

Russell Simmons?

Who did,

Oh yeah,

All right,

Good.

Okay.

You're gonna love this,

Yeah.

Okay,

Awesome.

And do you have any exciting projects you're currently working on?

I do,

Yes.

So I just launched a new program called Co-parenting with an Impossible Ex.

And it's an online program,

So it's open to anybody.

And it's to deal with all the issues kind of that,

We didn't really get into exactly all the issues we were kind of talking about a lot of different things,

But it's really dealing with the day to day interactions of how to deal with what I call an absolutely impossible ex in all the ways that your maybe divorce agreement can't cover,

Or what do you do when nobody's looking over your shoulder,

Right?

It's like all of the time in between when you really need the help.

How do you sort of empower yourself and protect your kids through the situation?

That's gonna be scary.

Would you mind sharing a couple of the issues that could be covered in here?

So if somebody's listening,

They're like,

I don't know if this would count.

Yes,

Okay.

So if your kids are being used as pawns,

If your ex is dragging you into court constantly,

If you can't,

Your ex won't be accountable to your agreement.

If they're using money as a way to coerce you or control the decisions you're making,

Say,

If your kids are devastated and you don't know what to say to them and they're asking questions,

If you are just literally in a co-parenting relationship where you're like,

You don't know what to do,

You're feeling desperate,

Or you're just constantly giving energy to it that you don't wanna give,

This program will address that.

All the way up to real parental alienation issues.

So there's really nothing that you could be going through that this is not going to do.

So you can't absolutely change things for you.

And is this a program where people can join at any time or is it only a certain time of the year?

So the program is seven weeks.

I'll be rolling it.

If I have more people,

I keep the group small,

So it's a group program.

And I keep the group small because it's really important that everybody gets their time because these issues are complex and we do need to delve into them.

So yeah,

To answer your question at any time.

And I'll be rolling the programs and creating new times and sponsor them.

So if you need the help,

Come see me because I have the capacity to help you right now.

I love that.

And if somebody wanted to connect with you to join this program or just follow you on social media,

Where could they find you?

You can always email me directly.

It's julieataspiretogrowth.

Com.

And my Instagram,

Which is where I'm the most active,

Is also aspiretogrowth.

Com.

My website is aspiretogrowth.

Com.

So yeah,

Aspire to Growth.

Come check me out.

Come find me.

There's all sorts of stuff on Instagram on how to connect with me,

How to deal with the program,

Set up a consultation.

So do it.

We all need the help.

I love it.

And last question.

What is a piece of advice that someone has given you that you play in the back of your mind whenever,

I don't know,

It's just there for whenever you need it?

Oh,

God,

There's so many.

I mean,

I think I'm just gonna spout a few.

I think no attachment to the outcome,

The joys in the journey.

Okay,

Those are kind of the same thing.

So I'm gonna stick with that theme.

I think that idea of the joys in the journey.

And it's not about achieving the end.

And I really build all the philosophies around the experiencing of the self,

How we're experiencing the journey.

I love that.

And this has been such just a wonderful conversation.

Is there any final tip or any other thing you wanted to say before we wrap this up?

Final tip.

If you're listening,

If somebody's listening and they're going through it and they think like,

That's really great and that sounds really nice,

But yeah,

I've heard it all before,

Call me,

Please call me.

I know when you feel like you've done everything possible and nothing's working,

What that point feels like,

But then there's this.

And that's what I want people to show you.

It's not just what you have to do.

You need to learn how to do it.

I think that's the piece that's missing and that's what I'm trying to offer.

How,

How do we do this?

I love that.

Well,

Julie,

Thank you so much for your time today.

This was really wonderful.

And I honestly,

I just like,

This was so great.

So thank you so much.

Yes,

I love talking to you and thank you so much for just having me here and helping to spread this message and caring about the message.

Yeah,

It's a much needed message.

So I really appreciate that.

This is the work you're doing.

Thank you.

Okay,

You guys,

If you found Julie as helpful and as insightful as I did,

Please check her out.

Give her some love on Instagram at Aspire to Growth.

Let her know a takeaway from here.

Ask her a question if you have one.

Just give her some love and appreciation.

And also again,

If you are interested in her,

There will be links to her social media and her website,

Which is aspiredtogrowth.

Com.

And I will put that all in the show notes.

So thank you so much for the support.

And as a reminder,

Before you run off to go implement these actions,

Please take a step that benefits me as well.

And I would love it if you could go ahead and leave me a review and give me some feedback on what you're loving and what you want more of.

And again,

If you know of someone that you think would be a great guest for my Beautifully Changed podcast,

Please let me know.

Send me a DM through Instagram at BeautifullyChanged and also share some feedback with me there.

Remember to follow me and engage with me through my Instagram account because I would love to get to know you better and make sure that I am providing a service that is truly beneficial to you.

So thank you so much for your time.

Remember that you are a beautiful soul and peace is a gift that you can give yourself.

And I can't wait to continue this journey with you.

And remember that you are enough right now in this moment,

Just as you are and progress can always be found.

I will talk to you later.

Bye.

Thanks for listening to today's episode.

Remember,

You're welcome to download,

Share and subscribe.

As always,

You can connect with me through Instagram at BeautifullyChanged or through my blog at BeautifullyChanged.

Com.

I'm sending so much love and positivity your way.

Remember,

You are enough,

The world needs you and you make a positive difference.

Now go out there and create your best life.

Bye.

Reviews

I feel a ton of relief from all of the many gems shared here with Steph and Julie! Aaahhh ♥️ thank you!