Breaking Through Intimacy Issues

To have the best relationship, you have to break through whatever is holding you back from fully embracing intimacy. This talk includes a short 10-minute breathing and heart chakra meditation starting around 24:35. The meditation asks for you to be in a place where you can lay down on your back. Listen to this at any time of day.

Transcript

Today,

I wanted to talk about 10 things that you can do to overcome intimacy issues.

So whether you're single or you're in a relationship and you notice like,

Wait a second,

I think I might have intimacy issues.

So first let's talk about what are some signs of intimacy issues.

So basically,

If you're shutting down emotionally from your partner,

If anytime it's,

You need to have a difficult conversation or you want to share how you feel and you're not willing to do that or you feel super uncomfortable and you start shutting down,

That's a sign that you may have intimacy issues.

Also,

If you know that your partner needs you or they need your support or they need you there and you don't show up,

That could be an issue.

You know,

You're just not supporting them or you're putting pressure on them to sabotage themselves.

So for instance,

With Keoni trying to get healthier and if I was to come in and eat cake in front of him all the time and be like,

I know eventually he'll have to be able to be somewhere with cake and be okay,

Either eat the cake or don't eat the cake and be happy with either decision.

However,

If I'm always bringing into his environment,

Especially when he's first trying to develop these healthier habits,

That would be me not supporting him.

If your relationships don't last very long and they kind of seem like you're repeating the same relationship over and over just with a different person,

That could be intimacy issues.

If you are struggling to commit to a relationship,

If someone's like,

Hey,

Is it just you and I or are we,

You know,

Is it just us that we're dating or are we still dating a bunch of people and you're like,

Ah,

Just the idea of committing to one person like freaks you out,

Causes you to have a panic attack or just be like,

Oh my gosh,

No,

Right?

Especially if the person you're dating is like a solid person.

I mean,

If they're a complete jerkwad or just not the right fit for you,

But you're just having fun,

That's a different story.

But you know if they're like a solid match and you're still freaking out,

Those could be intimacy issues.

So if you a few months into the relationship or you know,

You start off being more like you have,

You're okay with physical intimacy and then all of a sudden you're not okay with physical intimacy and it's like,

You can actually feel this shift.

Like it's a noticeable shift in physical intimacy.

That could be intimacy issues.

You know,

Because if it's feeling more comfortable to have like one night stands or hooking up when you first are dating versus,

You know,

When you don't really know them that well,

But the more you get to know them,

The less physical you want to be.

Even though I know that when you read Maiden in Captivity,

They do talk about or she does talk about how it's really important to have that separateness in a relationship to maintain that physical intimacy and that passion.

But three months in or six months in,

You still have quite a bit that you're learning about somebody.

So I think,

You know,

That's not the point where it's like,

Okay,

Our lives aren't separate enough at this point in time,

Right?

Because you're still getting to know each other.

So definitely be aware of some of those things if you will only date people that you know aren't a good match for you and you're hanging on to people who aren't maybe treating you very well because you know that the relationship's never going to go anywhere anyway,

Like long term that could be an intimacy issue.

So these all of these things,

So really just get to know yourself and kind of evaluate like,

You know,

First of all,

Why are you wondering if you have an intimacy issue?

And if you do have an intimacy issue,

How is this showing up in your relationships?

How is this showing up in your life?

And when and why do you think it started?

So figuring that out could be really helpful for you.

So these are some things that I think you could do to help you break through your intimacy issues.

So I have 10 here.

I mean,

There's way more,

But you know,

For the episode's sake,

We'll go for 10.

And I wanted to do this because I had someone ask me,

Are there any resources you have or know of for single people with intimacy issues?

But I really think these can work with anybody,

Whether you're already in a relationship or if you're dating or if you're single and not ready to date and just being self aware enough that you know what,

Maybe I do want to work through these.

So definitely,

You know,

Obviously I'm going to say working with someone,

You know,

Someone to help you brainstorm,

Talk it through,

Explore,

Experiment with healing things to do,

You know,

Ways to heal or things to try to work through that intimacy issue.

So definitely,

You know,

A therapist,

A professional hypnotist,

A life coach,

You know,

Any type of coach.

So typically there's so many of us out there,

Right,

Like confidence,

Love,

Relationship,

All of those things.

Now I am going to say,

And if you do want to go to a therapist,

That I highly,

Highly recommend therapists that are marriage and family therapists because they work with the lens of the entire system.

And that's really powerful.

Plus as a marriage and family therapist,

You can have like 20 people in the room and like handle it.

You can do really well because that's what you're trained to do.

You're trained to work with the system and with multiple people.

So if you're going the therapy route,

Do a marriage and family therapist.

If you are wanting to work with a coach,

Just make sure they feel like a good fit for you and somebody who you think that will meet you where you're at and help inspire and work with you and hold you accountable as well.

So sometimes we want to start at home.

Sometimes we don't want to go to a therapist or have a coach.

Maybe we can't afford it or we think we can't afford it or we can't find somebody that feels really like a good fit or because our intimacy issues are getting in the way and we don't like feeling vulnerable.

So if we're not going to want to feel vulnerable,

We're not going to want to talk to somebody.

So that means you probably got to start at home and you do this by maybe reading some books or journaling.

So I think you could definitely check into.

.

.

Okay,

So there's this workbook that's called The Self-Love Workbook.

That might be a good place to start.

Made it in Captivity.

That could be a really good place to start.

Any books by Sue Johnson are really great or even John Gottman might be really helpful for you.

There's a book called The Dance of Intimacy,

A Woman's Guide to Courageous Acts of Change in Key Relationships or there's Intimacy,

Trusting One Self and the Other.

You could do The Five Love Languages,

The Secret to Love That Lasts,

Mars and Venus in the Bedroom.

I mean,

There's so many books.

Also I'd mentioned journaling.

So definitely take some time and journal and answer.

I'll tell you some questions and you go ahead and write those down and then answer them.

So basically starting with like,

What does trust mean to you?

What does it look like?

How do you show up when you are trusting someone?

How do you know that you've built trust in the past?

So I'd ask you to write as if you're writing me a letter and teach me how not to trust someone.

Write down everything you do to keep your wall up and others out.

And are you ready to let go of your intimacy issues?

Maybe you're not ready yet.

Maybe you want to hang on to them a little bit longer.

Like really explore that and be honest with yourself because if you're not ready to release those intimacy issues or holdups,

Then no matter what you do,

Nothing's going to work because you're not ready to release those.

So ask yourself,

Are you ready to let these go?

And who do you trust the most in your life?

Write the story of how that came to be.

How much do you trust yourself?

How much do you honor your own feelings?

How much do you listen to your gut,

To your intuition?

When do you doubt yourself and others the most?

When do you know that you trust someone?

How do you show up differently in those relationships when you do trust someone?

How easy is it to lose your trust?

If someone messes up one time,

Do you stop trusting them?

Do you want to cut them out of your life?

You know,

Do you not give room for people to be imperfect?

And like so literally when you think about that,

What has to happen for you to start doubting someone?

How big or small does that betrayal need to feel before you say,

I'm out of here.

This person doesn't get to be a part of my life.

And to be fair,

There are times when it is appropriate to distance yourself or cut someone out of your life.

You know what I'm saying?

But it's also like how quickly are you doing that?

And how big of a hurt does it take for you to do that?

And is there any room for forgiveness?

Are you letting people be people and be imperfect?

Are you expecting everybody to follow these rules and these expectations that you've determined are what's important without including them in that conversation?

And what has to happen to replace trust with doubt?

And what statements do you say to yourself when something happens and you begin to have fear or suspicion of someone?

Like really listen to your thoughts in that self talk.

What are you saying?

And how much trust do you need in a relationship to feel safe?

So I want you to think of a scale from zero to 10,

10 being 100% and zero is 0%.

And then think about so how much trust you need in a relationship to feel safe.

Okay.

And then what brings your number up on that scale and what brings your number down on that scale?

So what brings you more feelings of safety and security and trust and what happens that brings you into a state of feeling unsure,

Uncertain,

Unsafe in that relationship?

And is it possible to be in a relationship and still have some independence for both people?

And what does that look like?

And what are you okay with?

And what are they okay with?

And write about vulnerability.

What is it like to be vulnerable?

How does your body feel when you know you're going to be vulnerable?

And what are the benefits of an intimate relationship?

And why is this something you want in your life?

What are the risks of an intimate relationship?

What is it that you're scared of happening?

And is this wall,

This fear of intimacy,

Really preventing that fear from becoming a reality?

Or is it actually feeding that fear and giving that fear more power?

Because you're sabotaging any relationship that ever even comes so nothing really has a real chance anyway.

And is there anything you can do to prevent the risks of an intimate relationship?

And when do you question if you're good enough for someone,

When does that start happening for you?

And when do you know you're good enough?

When do you know you're lovable?

When do you fully know what you bring to the table and that you're worthy?

When do you know that you are capable of a phenomenal relationship and you're deserving of that?

And when you're in a relationship,

When do you feel significant and have certainty?

And when do you start to feel like you're not special,

That you don't matter,

That you're able to be replaced easily?

And then just let some other questions come to you,

What comes up for you as you're answering those questions.

So as you're paying attention to your own inner dialogue,

Discover is it helping you to create a picture of mistrust of someone because you're scared of feeling the pain and loss of being broken up with?

Or because you're actually seeing red flags that the relationship isn't for you?

So what's really happening in your inner dialogue?

And why is it so important for you to maintain this wall that you've built to keep yourself safe from pain when you're already experiencing pain,

Except for you're isolating yourself,

So you're going through all this pain by yourself.

And five,

I'd also encourage you to make a list of all the experiences that scare you when you think of doing them alone.

So whether it's going out to eat or going to the movies by yourself,

And then start doing them one by one.

I've mentioned this before,

This is something I did myself,

I started doing in my early 20s and I still do to this day.

And also think about things that scare you to do in a relationship.

Like does it scare you to talk about what you prefer in the bedroom?

Does it scare you to ask for a hug?

Does it scare you to be there for somebody when they're having a hard day?

Are you uncomfortable with conflict?

Like figure those things out.

And if that is something that you're scared of,

Start figuring out one by one how you can feel more comfortable in those situations.

Because relationships have all of those situations in them.

And number six,

Make a list of the people who have stayed in your life for a long time that you feel really good about.

Write down the bumps in the road that you've overcome with them,

And write down the awesome times that strengthen the trust and ability to be vulnerable with them.

Explore how trust grew in those relationships.

Or what forgiveness looked like,

And how that played a part in building this trust that you have with them.

And number seven,

It's really important to also explore your expectations of a relationship.

So thinking that the person will never hurt you,

Especially if they love you,

Would be setting yourself up for excruciating heartbreak.

Because no matter who you love or are involved with,

They will hurt you at some point.

And sometimes it'll be on purpose,

And sometimes it'll be an accident.

Do you know what I mean?

Because again,

We are humans,

And we all approach this world with our own perspective,

And our own values,

And our own stories,

And our own pain,

And our own excitement,

And our own dreams,

And our own failures.

So we have to make room for the flow of coming together with somebody,

And letting them have space to be them as well.

You know,

And sometimes those hurts will be a little bit,

Like those little hurts,

And other times it'll be like a blast to the heart.

And this will sting,

And it sucks beyond measure to get hurt by someone you love.

And it's not because they don't care about you.

It's because you're just with another human going through their own struggles,

Goals,

Triumphs,

And journeys in this life.

So when someone hurts you,

Are you saying,

Well,

They don't care about me anyway?

See,

This just proves they don't care.

Are those things you're saying to yourself?

Because if they are,

We need to change that story.

Because people can love you and hurt you.

And then it's up to you to decide if that hurt is like just a flawed person,

Or is it damaging to your soul?

Do you know what I mean?

Because sometimes,

Like for me,

For example,

It used to drive,

Actually,

It still drives me nuts if people are really late.

Before I had no room for understanding around that,

Though,

I was just like,

If you're late,

I'm done.

I don't want to hang out with you anymore.

You're late.

That means I'm not important.

It means you don't respect my time.

I had all these stories that I created around when somebody was late.

And then I realized this is stressing me out,

This expectation that nobody can be late.

And when I moved to a city,

I remember being like,

Oh,

Wow,

Traffic really can affect what time I arrive somewhere.

And then when I became a mom,

I was like,

Woo,

Oof,

Having a kid can really sometimes make it hard to be places right on time because things can happen,

Especially when you have a baby and like all of these things.

So it gave me more compassion and more understanding for when people can be late.

Now,

If it's an ongoing pattern and it's like super late,

I will eventually say something to someone and be like,

Hey,

What's going on here?

You know,

It does bother me when you're late consistently.

So can we figure out a solution to this or something?

Because I do believe in also sharing what's heavy on your heart so that you can free up that space for more love.

And then you have to know yourself,

My friend.

You have to truly understand what builds you up and what tears you down.

And find out the same about the person you're with or the person you're dating or whoever your future person is going to be.

So you build a strong friendship and strong emotional bank account,

Right?

And the bank account is where you put in more deposits than withdrawals.

And you do that by doing the things that build them up and not doing as many things that tear them down.

But again,

We also got to leave room for human error and just being a flawed people.

And you need to learn the relationship skills that you don't already have.

So if you weren't taught relationship skills that will help you flourish in relationships when you were growing up,

Which so many of us weren't,

And that's why there's so many books out there now or so many coaches or so many therapists or so many programs that you can get on to help you with your own self growth and to learn relationship skills so that you can have really successful relationships and build yourself up so you can have the type of partnership that you want with somebody.

You're going to have to do the work so that you can have what scares you.

Do you know what I mean?

And then nine,

Learn to set boundaries.

That vulnerability is magic.

And use I statements and you can get through any hurt.

I was watching the Mr.

Rogers show with Tom Hanks the other day,

That movie,

And it was really,

Really good.

And he said,

If you can mention it,

You can manage it.

And I thought that was really,

Really insightful to say.

And it makes so much sense,

Right?

If you can mention it,

You can manage it.

So fearing feelings is only going to hold you back.

Okay.

So feelings,

Feeling your feelings are part of life and it's a good thing to have feelings.

And you know you're alive when you're feeling things.

Okay.

When you're feeling your emotions and you're expressing yourself and you're,

You know,

Practice some stoicism if you want so that you can stay in like a state of joy versus having those extreme up and downs.

But definitely learn to set boundaries.

Say your I statements,

Right?

I feel blank when blank in the future I need blank.

Is this something you can agree to?

Right?

And you do that and then you could say like,

I mean,

That is a time where some people do pull like a consequence in there.

Well,

If this doesn't start happening,

Then all blah,

Blah.

But you really can only put those consequences in if you're actually going to follow them because if you're not going to follow them,

You're not really setting a boundary.

You're just talking and nothing's going to change.

So we got to teach people how to treat us.

And we do that by letting them know what we need,

What we don't like,

What hurts us,

What fills us up,

What feels good,

Right?

What makes us laugh?

What makes us cry?

The experiences we want to have.

We got to share all that.

And 10.

While you are going through overcoming and breaking through your intimacy issues or hold backs or limitations,

You got to be gentle with yourself along the way.

Growing hurts.

It's uncomfortable more than it feels awesome.

However,

Once you're through that girls spurt,

Your life has changed and you're closer to being the person you want to be,

Who you were meant to be,

Experiencing the relationships you want to have and knowing that no matter what happens in that relationship,

No matter what the outcome is of that relationship,

That you are valuable,

You are enough and you are lovable.

So remember,

You can do this.

You can do hard things and leaning into or moving through the pain is something you can do.

You can face it and move through it.

You don't have to live there anymore.

So that's it.

Those are 10 steps that I would give you and breaking through any intimacy limitations you have.

And your journey is going to start with you and realizing that you want different relationships in your future than you've had in your past or that you're currently having right now.

So you can enhance your relationship experience just by healing and approaching things differently on your part.

So instead of thinking that other people need to change in order for you to feel better,

It's actually you do your part and you make the changes that will benefit you and the people around you.

Focus on your part and let the freedom become a part of your path and the relationships that you can have with your,

Even just with your friends,

With your lover,

Whatever,

Whoever you're in relationships with.

When you do that work,

When you learn the relationship skills and you heal the pain and you break down that wall and you let yourself dive into intimacy,

You get to experience love in a whole new way.

And you'll realize it's not love that's so scary because love isn't scary.

Love is the good stuff.

Love is,

Oh,

It's just really like when you think about the best dessert of your life,

It's love,

Right?

And love is part of everything that we go through.

And it's not love that scares us.

It's not love that sucks.

It's the loss,

It's the pain,

It's the hurt,

It's a disappointment,

It's the guilt,

It's the shame.

It's all of that that comes with relationships that that's the part that sucks.

That's the part that we have to heal from.

That's the part we have to move through and learn to not hold us back or build up that wall.

It's not the love,

It's the pain.

So my friend,

Break down your wall and let yourself experience the most incredible love that this life can offer you by doing your part,

Heal and break down your wall.

So with that being said,

Let's go ahead and do a short meditation.

So go ahead and lay down for this if you're able to and lay on your back.

And if your lower back feels uncomfortable,

Go ahead and bend your knees.

You can place them over a pillow or a bolster if that feels comfortable for you.

And just go ahead and close your eyes.

And now just start to breathe in and out through your nose.

Just become aware of your breath.

Release any judgment of your breath and just notice,

Pay attention to how your breath moves in your body.

Where does it begin?

Where does it end?

Is your breath fast or slow?

Deep or shallow?

Is there a pattern that it makes as your breath comes in and as you release it?

Pay attention to how smooth and even your breath is.

Is it hard or soft?

Is your belly expanding?

Does your torso expand?

Notice what happens when you exhale.

Did any distracting thoughts just float away when you exhale?

And then just bring your attention back to your breath.

Placing a hand on your belly and one on your chest.

Notice when you breathe into your chest,

Can you feel your chest expand?

And does your upper back expand as well?

Do your ribs move?

Is there any area where your breath feels restricted and your body doesn't respond?

And now pay attention to your belly and as you breathe in,

Bring that breath into your belly and notice and pay attention to the way it fills when your belly fills up with air.

Does your lower back move?

Does anything else move when you breathe into your belly?

And how do you feel?

Are you able to relax your belly so you can breathe into it?

Is your breath getting stuck anywhere when you breathe in?

Does it get stuck in your throat?

Does it become smooth and then choppy?

Or does it remain smooth the entire time?

Just really explore your breath for a moment.

Listen to how your body responds to it.

Very well.

Now go ahead and move your hand to your chest and feel your breath move into your chest.

Feel your chest expand with each inhale and relax when you exhale.

Now I want you to imagine this wall in front of you,

Beside you and behind you.

It's been a lifetime of work building this wall around you,

Seeming as if it will protect you from emotional pain.

However you realize that this wall is also preventing you from living freely,

From experiencing love the way you are meant to,

Including loving yourself unconditionally.

And you now realize it's time to start taking this wall down,

To allow yourself to experience love deeply and completely and that you're strong enough to make it through any pain that comes your way.

So as you notice this wall around you,

I want you to bring your attention back to your heart,

To the space of your heart chakra and I want you to imagine this beautiful healing green light coming from your heart chakra.

And with each breath,

With each inhale and with each exhale that beautiful healing green light expands and it continues to expand until it surrounds you completely.

And with each breath it expands even more until it pushes that wall around you,

It pushes it over,

Freeing you from this world of pretend protection.

And instead of being surrounded by that wall,

You are now surrounded by love and forgiveness and confidence and healing and you begin to experience a greater love for yourself and for others.

Experience a deeper sense of peace and harmony,

Realizing that without this wall you are now free,

Free to be filled with love and prosperity and confidence,

Compassion and strength,

Wisdom and joy and you now have more space for creative energy,

For loving energy,

Space to heal and be free to love,

To give love and receive love and this feels really,

Really good.

And when you're ready,

Bring your attention back to your breath and go ahead and wiggle your fingers and toes and just let your breath energize you and comfort you and give you the strength to do the next best thing for yourself and your journey.

And when you're ready,

Go ahead and open your eyes.

You just did some great work.

Honor that,

Make space for that.

Sending all my love to you and I'm always here in your corner rooting for you and I want you to know that you are enough.

You are lovable.

You can do this.

I'm here for you.

When you're determined,

You'll find a way and don't let the hard days stop you.

Let the hard days motivate you.

Okay.

Sending so much love to you.

Okay,

Bye.

Reviews

there was a lot of great information in your talk. i’ll have to give it another listen or two to take it all in. many of the intimacy issues that you mentioned i’m not having difficulty with- this reminds me to focus on the positive, the areas where im doing well (because i can easily focus on the negative instead of giving myself patience and compassion).
one criticism- the tag you put at the end of the meditation was abrupt. it really took away from the meditation 🙏🤍🙏

Really great meditation and talk. Clean, simple advice. Easy to apply to life. Thank you 🙏🏼

This was very helpful thank you ! I really loved the meditation at the end.
The issue of trust can be a big obstacle to intimacy...I would also add discomfort about being naked with someone ( physically and emotionally ), the fear of routine and boredom, the fear of being betrayed ( cheated on - abandonned for someone younger or sexier ).... And the fear of physical closeness after 18 months of Covid pandemic.
Adding more exercises to drop from our head to our body would have been great too. 🌸🌞

Thank you! Many insights.

ten wonderful pieces of guidance. Very wise. me and my partner enjoyed listening to you. Thank you. M. X