Mindset Matters: What Is Your 70%?

Learn how observing the impulse to have either a positive or negative reaction to life can lead to the outcome of your life. In this talk, we dive into the power of mindset coaching and how seeing two sides of every situation can shift our perspective. Learning to embrace what is and release judgment is key to finding peace in everyday life. Assignment: As you listen, ask yourself: How many of your impulse reactions in daily situations are negative or positive? Next, consider the 8 domains of wellness (emotional, physical, social, spiritual, environmental, financial, intellectual, occupational). Which of these are in alignment with your 70% of impulse reactions?

Transcript

Hey everybody,

Welcome to another episode of Embracing Wisdom with Stacey.

That's me.

I got my old pal Leo here with me today.

He's hanging out.

It's such a dark and cold and rainy day.

We've had the wettest weather.

It's been like,

I'm a native of Colorado and back when I was a kid,

Every May through June,

We would have sunny mornings and afternoon thunderstorms.

It's just,

It was the way it was.

And then in the evening it would clear up,

We would go back outside and play.

And then for a long time,

Like 10,

15 years,

We've had this incredibly dry climate where we have just stray thunderstorms,

But we're back.

Like this,

This monsoon pattern is so crazy.

And people who are from Colorado talk about it all the time.

Like this is the way summer used to be where it would be sunny in the morning and then rain all afternoon.

So that's where we're at.

And so I'm in my studio and the lighting is terrible when it's cloudy because I have so many windows in here,

But when it's cloudy and it's so dark outside and it's two in the afternoon,

It just feels so like it's bedtime.

It's really,

Really strange to me.

So I want to talk today about things like that,

That we have no control over.

Absolutely none.

We have no control over the weather.

We can complain about it.

We can gripe and moan that it's too hot.

It's too cold.

It's too rainy.

It's too dry.

But we can't change it.

It simply is.

And what if we could change the way that we think about the things in our life that we don't necessarily like and rather than complain about them or mope and,

You know,

Hem and haw about how bad things are,

What if we simply said this is what it is?

It doesn't mean that we have to love the experience.

I like the rain and some days I love the rain.

I don't particularly love weeks of rain.

But if I complain about it,

It's not going to change it.

The weather is going to be the weather.

And I've been really focused over the last 20 years,

We'll say,

Of looking at a situation in my life and deciding there are two sides of the coin,

Whatever you want to call it.

There's two ways to look at it.

There's two sides of the coin.

Everything that you're faced with,

You have multiple ways in which you deal with it,

Handle it,

View it,

Label it,

Call it,

Own it,

Name it.

And I think right now for me,

This is really coming into a personal way that I look at things going on in my life that I don't necessarily love.

I mean,

Who loves chronic pain?

Who loves to be limited in their mobility?

Who loves having a complete career turnabout?

Who loves that at 54?

I mean,

I don't know.

Maybe people love having their life disappear and crumble and then rebuild it.

I don't know.

But I have a choice every single day to complain about it,

Cry about it,

Crumble,

Be bitter,

Be angry,

Blame,

All of that.

Or I can just say,

You know,

This isn't ideal.

This is really hard.

This is challenging.

This is sad.

This is uncertainty at its finest.

But it is what it is.

I mean,

I can't change.

I can't change it.

I can take action steps to create the best life that I can with what I'm given.

And that all comes down to mindset.

And I think that we as a culture are a group of people who have a tendency when even if we're at the grocery store and we're buying bananas and we're in the checkout line and the checkout lady says,

How are you doing today?

Most people will say,

Oh,

The rain or,

Oh,

It's so hot or,

Oh,

Most people will.

And if you just be the observer as you are out in the community and you're out interacting with people and you're at the coffee shop and you're in the grocery store,

Just listen to it's almost,

It's almost so common that people will find the negative things that they have no control over or perceive negative things to talk about.

And so the conversation goes like this,

How are you today?

Oh,

This rain.

And then the checkout lady says,

I know,

It's just,

When is it going to be summer?

Guarantee you in three weeks when it's 90 degrees and it's bone dry,

We're going to be complaining about that.

And so then the conversation continues of like,

I know,

I know,

But we need,

We need the moisture,

Which is a default around here,

Probably everywhere,

But the default as well,

We need the moisture and then,

Well,

Yeah,

Then it's going to be hot.

And I'm thinking as I observe these conversations,

I mean,

Obviously you don't need to tell your whole life story to a checkout lady or gentleman,

But that's our version of small talk.

That is the theme of our small talk is to complain about things we have no control over.

And it's usually weather.

It's usually,

Oh,

Crazy drivers out there can't control crazy drivers.

We can't,

We can control our reaction to them.

We can control our reaction to the weather.

We can control our reaction to personal things that are going on in all of our lives that are,

That are hard.

We can control our reaction to the collective stress that a lot of people are experiencing right now,

Not just in our country,

America,

But all over the world.

And if you are in denial of the collective stress,

You're not paying attention because there is collective stress,

No matter what side,

I don't care what side you're on.

I don't care.

But if you dismiss the collective stress,

Your head's buried because it's,

It's there,

It's there.

And it doesn't matter who you voted for.

It doesn't matter what side of the aisle you're on.

There's a collective stress and we can't do anything about it,

But our reaction to it.

And so every single thing that we're faced with,

Whether it could be something as simple as weather or something big,

We have a choice.

We have a choice.

If we are going to throw the pebble into the lake of life,

That is going to ripple out negativity and continue to feed that culture of complaining.

Or we have a choice to throw in a pebble that's based on gratitude,

On grace,

On acceptance,

On hope,

On positivity,

On the simple presence of it is what it is.

So imagine the same conversation with the grocery store lady,

And it goes something like this.

Hello.

How's your day today?

My day is great.

How's your day?

You,

You have no control of what,

What that person's going to say,

But you did control what you say and you say,

It's going great.

Or you say,

You know,

It's,

It's really nice out.

The rain is really refreshing.

I'm glad that the plants are getting so much water.

I'm glad the animals are having so much fun in the rain,

Whatever.

What if instead of complaining about something you have no control over,

You actually found the good in it.

Even if you make it up,

It has to start somewhere.

And I tell people all the time,

Like you make it till you fake it till you make it.

And so if you have to fake it until your brain starts to change from constant complaining,

Constant negativity,

Constant pessimism,

Skepticism,

Cynicism.

If you have to fake it till you make it,

Start faking it.

And this can come in so many different varieties,

Flavors,

Whatever you want to call it.

For example,

Sitting,

You know,

In my home,

The guy across the street is getting some work done on his house.

He's getting a new sliding door in the back of his house.

None of my business.

I'm glad for him.

He's obviously remodeling his kitchen,

Whatever.

And I could look at it two ways.

I could be like,

That's amazing.

That's awesome.

I'm happy for him,

Which is optimism,

Positivity,

Hope.

Or I could say,

Well,

I don't know why he would want to put a sliding glass door on the back of his house when it faces the trail that there's a lot of riffraff on.

None of my business either way.

But one version sends a message of happiness,

Positivity,

Goodness.

And the other one is fear.

I don't know.

Negativity.

Right.

And so that's just one example of how we look at a situation and there's one or two or three different ways that we can look at it.

And if you start to be the observer of your thoughts,

You will see in the beginning of this whole mindset shift,

You will see that most people,

Including yourself,

Have a tendency to see it as negative,

Risky,

Bad,

Whether it's weather,

Whether it's what your neighbor's doing,

Whether it's looking in the mirror and seeing the fact that you're aging,

Whatever it is.

Look at your inner dialogue,

That inner narrative that you have.

The first impulse that you have,

Is it to complain?

Is it to be negative?

Is it to be pessimistic?

Is it to be resentful?

Whatever it is,

Look at your impulse.

What is your innate impulse?

When somebody says,

How's your day?

What do you think of the weather?

Got any fun summer plans?

What is your impulse?

When somebody asks you a question and then when you observe somebody doing something else,

Driving,

Getting a new door for their backyard house,

Back of their house,

Planting flowers,

Mowing or not mowing their lawn,

Driving in a vehicle,

What is your impulse?

Is your impulse through the lens of negativity or is your impulse through the lens of positivity?

That's like step one of what this whole shift can do for your life.

If your impulse,

If you were to observe 10 things throughout a couple of days,

Your interactions at the grocery store,

Your observances of neighbors,

Driving on the freeway,

Looking in the mirror and just noticed if there was a trend or a theme.

If I will say 70% of your impulse reactions to everyday things is based on the negative side of the line,

That's the first step.

I want you to look at that and just look at data.

Just do some little data collection on yourself.

If 70% of the time you are having an impulse to react to things or respond to things through the lens of negativity,

I want to challenge you to take a hard look at your life in all areas,

Relationships,

Happiness,

Finances,

Purpose,

Health,

Those domains that we have of our whole being.

If 70% of your impulses are in the negative side of life,

I want you to take a hard look at yourself in all of those domains and look at and rate yourself honestly.

Are those things working out for you?

Are your relationships with your family and friends fulfilling,

Reciprocal,

Happy?

Is it a source of joy?

Are your finances in check?

Do you feel that you have more than enough,

That your plentitude is there?

Do you have purpose in your life?

Do you feel like you're fulfilling your purpose?

We have one life,

Right?

Are you living your greatest life?

Do you have meaning in your day-to-day interactions with people,

With your career choice,

With your home life?

Do you have purpose and meaning?

Do you have happiness in your life?

Yes or no?

Do you feel satisfied with your health?

Do you feel like you like your health?

Is it where you want it to be?

I'm just going to venture to guess.

I'm making all this up,

By the way,

In terms of percentages,

But I'm guessing that if 70% of your impulses are through the lens of negativity,

Judgment,

Angst,

Bitterness,

Uncertainty,

Fear,

Skepticism,

Pessimism,

That those domains in your life are not where you want them to be.

If you observe your responses and reactions to everyday things for 10 days or so,

And you notice that you have a tendency to view things as good for you,

Good for them,

I love the rain,

Today's going to be a great day,

I'm happy for the neighbor who got a new sliding glass door,

Gosh,

The drivers are in a hurry today,

They're just in a hurry,

Everybody's in a hurry,

The weather is really different,

It's kind of cool,

We're getting a lot of rain this season,

My rain barrel is full,

Full,

Full.

If you can observe yourself 70% of the time being positive and hopeful,

I would venture to guess that those main domains of your life,

Health,

Relationships,

Finances,

Purpose and meaning,

Spirituality,

Are probably pretty good.

You're probably feeling pretty darn good about your life.

That's just data I'm making up,

But I think it's true,

And I say this because,

And I know we've talked about this a million times,

Between the ages of 20 and 30,

The 10 years,

That decade of my life,

I was toxic,

Negative,

Mopey,

Grouchy,

Pissed off,

Angry,

Sad,

Blaming,

Shaming,

I was a mess,

And the major domains in my life were a match to the mess.

I had no purpose,

My finances were a wreck,

I was 220 pounds of oomph on my body,

I was a mess,

My relationships weren't great,

I was a mess,

And so when I took proactive action and I woke up on a March day and I said,

I'm done,

I am done,

I am done being this way,

And I started to observe my thoughts and change my thinking and change my spoken word,

Change the way I would write things about myself to myself,

I worked hard,

Hard,

Hard on affirmations every single day,

Every single day,

And to this day,

I spent 30 to 45 minutes each and every single morning listening to affirmations,

And what that does is it retrains your brain to think in terms of plentitude,

Abundance,

Love,

Prosperity,

Hope,

All of those things that we would like to have our impulse,

Reaction,

Response be,

I mean,

Can you imagine how different the world would be if the majority of people's initial impulse to react to something was through the lens of love?

Can you imagine?

Can you imagine how different our worlds would be?

And it starts with us.

It starts with us.

We can't change the world,

But we can change a small sector of the world,

And those people will be changed,

And then they will change people's lives,

And the ripple effect happens.

I've seen it with my own eyes.

I've seen it within my family,

Within my children.

I have absolutely seen it.

My oldest son had more years of me being the toxic,

Angry mess in the formative years of his life,

So from birth to age 10-ish,

I was 12.

Birth to 12,

I was the toxic,

Angry mom,

So he had 12 years of witnessing,

Living with,

Observing,

Being the recipient of that,

And then my younger son,

He only had six or seven years of that,

And they're both great men,

But I can see as an observer the impact that my choices and my reactions had on them as children that have manifested in them as grown men,

And I take responsibility for that.

I was a mess,

And I've apologized,

And my kids are great kids,

And they get it,

And they have,

Of course,

Forgiven me and loved me for just who I am and what I have accomplished,

So the homework that I want you to do,

If you're tired of feeling in a funk,

And you're tired of the small conversations in your life being complaining and negativity,

You can be the difference in that.

You can be the difference,

So you go to the grocery store,

And you ask the clerk,

How are you today,

And the clerk says,

Oh,

The weather,

Man,

It's just raining,

Raining,

Raining,

Raining,

Raining all the time.

You could respond to that by modeling positivity.

Aren't the plants so happy?

Isn't everything just so green?

Imagine,

Imagine what that,

You know,

The clerk would be like,

Whoa,

I didn't think of that,

And there you just threw a pebble of love into the lake of life,

So your homework for the week or so until I,

Until I pop on again,

Your homework is to look at your,

Look at your impulse reactions,

Your innate,

First,

Without thinking about it,

When somebody says,

How are you doing,

What's your response,

How often do you find yourself in the culture of complaining,

You know,

With a friend,

With a stranger,

Online,

Social media,

How often are you engaging in this culture to complain?

When you witness somebody else,

A neighbor,

A person,

You know,

In the grocery store,

How quick are you to make an observation that is based on a negative attribute,

A negative quality,

Skepticism,

Fear,

I wouldn't do that,

What are they thinking,

Oh,

That's terrible,

Oh,

How often do you do that,

How often do you see a scene in the community or on television where you immediately assume the worst,

Or you assume a negative thing is going to happen,

And then what,

What is it when you look in the mirror,

Are your first thoughts,

Your first things that you think about?

I want you just to be the observer for a week or so,

And then kind of tally up,

You know,

Think of maybe 10 times in a week or so that you've caught yourself observing,

And then what,

What was the outcome of that,

Was your observation that you were positive,

Hopeful,

Love-filled,

Coming from the heart,

Not the head,

Kind of that grace that we want to be,

And how often were you fear-based,

Negative,

Skepticism,

Pessimism,

All that yucky stuff,

And then just make a mental note of that,

Okay,

So that's the first step,

Be the observer of you,

And then I want you to look at major domains of being a human being,

Of wellness,

Like the domains of wellness,

There's eight of them,

I can't remember all eight of them,

But there's something like spirituality,

Purpose and meaning,

Finances,

Relationships,

Health,

I can't remember them all,

But in that kind of area,

Scope of your life,

How much of your life are you satisfied with?

Purpose and meaning is a big one for me,

Health,

Spirituality,

Emotional stuff,

How are your emotions,

How are your relationships,

Do you feel fulfilled with your friendships,

Your family,

When you look in the mirror,

How healthy is your response to that,

So look at those things,

Compare your percentage of times that you're positive,

When you witness something,

To the domains of your life,

And just make an observation,

I would venture to guess that if you're 70% either way,

The domains of your life are gonna be either pretty good or pretty not so good,

And all this does is give us data to look at,

Okay,

This is what I'm seeing in my life,

Then I either love it and I wanna just keep growing it and nurturing it and fostering it,

Or I don't like this,

I don't like this,

And then you have the power within you to choose different,

And that's gonna circle us all the way back to the very beginning,

You have the power to choose,

You have the power to choose to complain about the weather or witness the weather and be okay with it,

Because you can't change it,

It is,

It just simply is,

Or maybe you're struggling to overcome an illness,

Or you're dealing with something that is really hard,

Maybe you have a career change or a relationship change,

Or you're going through something very deeply personal that's really hard,

You can't change it,

You can't change what is,

But you can say,

Okay,

This is what it is,

And how I respond to it is going to be what sends me either this way or that way,

And if I look at my personal situation with my hip,

I'm at a crossroads,

I could spend every single day complaining,

Moping,

Crying,

Being pissed off,

Being sad,

Being hopeless,

Being uncertain,

Being a give up kind of person,

I could choose that,

I don't know that I could do it,

I could choose it,

I have choice,

I could choose to do that,

And I needed a couple of weeks to feel that,

I was telling a dear friend of mine,

I had to feel that,

And I'll tell you why when I'm finished,

Or I could choose to make the best of today,

To seek joy every day,

To nurture my body,

Eat healthy foods,

Team up with the best medical people in the country,

And just do my best,

Be proactive in my healing,

And proactive in how I navigate the fact that this is what it is,

I get to choose that,

And I certainly would rather choose that way than the give up negative,

Poor me,

This is awful,

What am I going to do with my life,

This is terrible.

Now,

You get to choose,

Okay,

Whatever situation is going on in your own life,

You get to choose this or that,

But it's not going to change the reality of this is what it is,

So I'm the type of person that when faced with something really,

Really hard,

I make a list,

I make a plan,

And I just get busy,

Like I get busy,

I have no time to cry,

I have no time to mope around,

I just,

Uh-uh,

It's not my nature,

And when my hips started to do its thing,

And I really had to accept that despite having the greatest medical team ever,

And great support people in my life,

This is my reality,

And my first impulse was to,

Okay,

Well,

I'm not going to be able to teach adaptive yoga in Denver anymore,

And I'm not going to be in 60 homes,

So I'm just going to,

My impulse was to do that,

It was to apply for jobs,

It was to just pull out every idea I've ever had in my notebook and start making it happen,

And just start working,

And creating content,

And recording videos,

And applying for all these other positions and jobs,

And da-da-da-da-da,

And I remember my therapist saying to me a few sessions ago,

Do you ever just stop and feel?

And my response to that was,

I don't have time to feel,

Like I gotta go,

And she's like,

I want you to feel this,

I want you to stop and give yourself time to feel this,

Because if you don't,

It's going to surface again,

You're going to have another experience where you're going to be asked to feel,

And when I was a young single mom,

And I was raising my kids,

And my daughter with special needs was really,

Really hard,

I didn't have time to feel,

I didn't have time,

I just had to fix what was in front of me to the best of my ability,

I had to get her life set on track,

I had to deal with my boys,

Get them to soccer,

Get them to hockey,

Do all the things,

Cook dinner,

Go to the food banks,

Because I was broke,

I had to do it all,

And I didn't have time to feel that this was crap,

I didn't have time to feel that,

And then the next thing leads to the next thing,

To the next thing,

And here I am,

54 years old,

And every situation that I've ever been faced with,

I just go,

I don't feel it,

I don't feel it,

I just go,

And I make stuff happen,

I find new jobs,

I contract new contracts,

I develop new programs,

I record new stuff,

I have more yoga classes,

I do all the things,

Rather than feel,

And so,

When I got the news from my latest surgeon's consult,

That,

Okay,

This is the deal,

Like,

You're 1% of people that have hip replacements,

That it is recognized as a failure,

They're not giving up,

They're still doing some testing,

They still want to help me,

But basically,

I was better off before my hip replacement,

And despite three surgeries,

They're not able to get me there,

That's the reality,

And I needed to feel that,

I needed to feel that I've lost my contracts in Denver,

In assisted living,

That I built this great business,

And it's basically gone at the snap of a finger,

I had to feel that,

I had to feel the sadness of what I built and what I created,

And what I believe,

For 18 years,

Was my purpose,

And I had to feel the sadness and the uncertainty,

And what do I do now?

What do I do with my life now?

I had to give myself the space to feel that,

And so,

I was sad,

And I was not fun to be around,

And I was hopeless,

And I was negative,

And I was grieving,

And I was hurting,

And I was so scared,

I had to feel that,

And I kind of laughed,

Because I felt it for two weeks,

Isn't that enough?

Okay,

Okay,

Okay,

I felt it for two weeks,

Two weeks probably isn't long enough to feel all those feelings,

But to me,

Two weeks was a lifetime,

Okay,

Felt it,

Cried,

Threw my little fits,

Had my little pity party,

Invited myself,

I'm done,

And as soon as I was like,

Done feeling what I felt,

I can't tell you the opportunities that have come my way in just a few days,

And the hope,

Like the clouds have parted,

The sunshine is shiny,

All the things have been amazing in the last five days,

I still have horrible pain and swelling,

I still walk with a terrible limp,

I still can't put socks on,

I can,

Everything's the same with my hip,

But my attitude and my outlook is completely back on track,

So be the observer,

How often out of 10 observations are you negative,

Then look at your life,

And of those main categories,

And you can google the eight domains of wellness,

And they'll pop up for you,

Of those eight,

How many of those are working in your favor,

How many of those are good,

And if it's not,

At least 50%,

We have work to do,

If you're 70%,

You know,

Pretty Pollyanna,

Pretty hopeful,

Pretty positive,

And you look at your eight domains,

And 50% of them are great,

You still have work to do,

You can still constantly polish,

We're never done,

We're never perfect,

And we definitely should never stop working on ourselves,

So get back to me,

I want to know,

I want to know your percentage,

And there's no shame,

There's no judgment,

I just want to know,

I'm curious to understand people,

And then maybe,

Maybe I can help you,

Maybe I can,

You know,

Turn your head to look that way just a little bit more often than looking that way.

All right,

That's what I got for you today,

So thanks for hanging out with me,

It was a long one,

I'm long-winded today,

Got a lot to yap about,

And thanks for being in my circle,

My community,

My tribe,

My goodness,

And I will chat with you very,

Very soon,

So take care,

And have a beautiful rest of your day,

Bye.