So we've been going through the points of the method for developing bodhicitta,
Known as equalizing and exchanging self and others.
And last week we did a little meditation on the disadvantages or shortcomings of the self-centered attitude.
So let's continue that this week and bring to mind some experience that you've had that was problematic,
Painful in a relationship with another person.
So it could be something that happened recently or further back in time in the past.
And it could be something major,
Like you got into a real conflict with the other person.
Maybe you were even yelling at each other,
Hurting each other,
Or it could have been something minor.
Like maybe you just felt annoyed,
Irritated by that other person.
And maybe you didn't even express it.
You didn't even talk about how you felt,
But in your mind there was these negative feelings towards the other person.
So look back in time and your memory and bring to mind one such experience which was painful and problematic in relationship with another person.
Looking back on that situation,
Try to look at it objectively and see if you can detect the attitude of self-centeredness in your own mind,
In the way you saw that other person and the way you dealt with them.
Again,
This is an attitude of being more concerned for oneself than for the other person,
Placing our own needs and wishes above those of the other person or other persons.
See if that attitude played a role in this difficult situation with the other person.
And if you can recognize the self-centered attitude,
Try to recognize how that influenced your mind,
Your thoughts,
Your other emotions,
And then your behavior,
The way you behaved in relation to that other person.
And then look at the results that occurred because of having that attitude of self-centeredness and the other things that it gave rise to,
Other thoughts and feelings and behavior.
So then how did that affect you?
How did it affect the other person?
What kind of results came of all of that?
Did it bring any positive results,
Genuine happiness and peace and a better relationship with the other person?
Or did it bring the opposite,
Negative results,
Worsened the situation,
Worsened the relationship with the other person,
Problems,
Suffering?
So one thing that's important is when we do recognize self-centeredness in our mind,
To not feel guilty,
Ashamed,
Beat ourselves up,
Hate ourselves,
And so on,
That doesn't help.
That kind of reaction doesn't help.
And it's also not appropriate because self-centeredness isn't who we are.
It isn't a permanent fixed thing within ourselves.
It's a transitory state of mind,
Something that comes and goes,
Not who we are.
We shouldn't identify with it.
I think that is me,
That's who I am.
And it has causes and conditions,
The main one being ignorance,
Ignorance about our real nature,
Who we are,
How we are,
How we exist.
And it's also just a very long-term habitual tendency.
Both ignorance and self-centeredness have been in our mind forever,
From beginningless time.
So it's a very strong habit.
And habits are not easy to break.
We didn't decide to be this way.
We didn't choose to be this way.
Most of us don't have control over what comes up in our mind.
And the self-centered attitude can be dealt with.
We can work on it,
We can learn to manage it and reduce it and eventually become completely free of it.
So that's definitely possible.
But we need to realize that it's harmful and not helpful.
It's more like an enemy,
Not a friend.
So contemplate this passage I'm going to read,
Which is from Lama Tsongkhapa's Lamrim Chenmo,
The great stages of the path to enlightenment.
He's talking about this attitude,
Out of attachment to self,
My self-centered attitude has produced all sorts of undesirable things throughout the beginningless time of cyclic existence up to now.
Although I wanted to make things perfect for myself,
I emphasized my own welfare and engaged in improper methods.
I have spent countless eons at this,
But have not at all accomplished my own or others' aims.
Not only have I not achieved these,
I have been tormented only by suffering.
If I had replaced concern for my own welfare with concern for others' welfare,
I would certainly have become a Buddha long ago and would have completely and perfectly accomplished my own aims as well as those of others.
As I did not do this,
I have spent my time uselessly and laboriously.
So if you are able to recognize that self-centeredness is harmful and counterproductive,
The cause of suffering and problems rather than happiness and benefit,
And that it's something obstructing our spiritual practice,
Our attainment of higher states of mind,
Especially enlightenment,
Then generate the strong determination to make it a priority to work on decreasing and overcoming the self-centered attitude.
But remember that in doing this,
We need to avoid beating ourselves up,
Feeling guilty,
Feeling bad,
And it's also incorrect to neglect taking care of ourselves and being kind to ourselves.
So here's some advice from His Holiness about that.
He says,
Some people may think they have to neglect themselves in order to cherish others.
This is a mistaken notion.
While we want to cease letting self- preoccupation run our lives and make our decisions,
This doesn't mean that we should neglect our own situation entirely.
The kind of selfishness that leads us to exploit others must be reduced.
But disparaging ourselves is not helpful on the path,
And it is to be abandoned.
Our aim is to cherish all sentient beings,
Including ourselves.
If we neglect ourselves,
Then others will have to take care of us.
Rather,
We need to respect ourselves and our Buddha potential,
And on that basis,
Discern the appropriate way of caring for ourselves that will support our practice of bodhichitta.
