Meditation On Self-Forgiveness

Venerable Sangye Khadro leads a guided meditation on cultivating forgiveness for ourselves. We can recognize mistakes we have made in the past and transform our minds to release guilt and move forward with compassion for ourselves and others.

Transcript

I hope everyone is doing well.

Last weekend I was teaching a course based on a really wonderful book called A Fearless Heart by Thubten Jinpa,

Who is one of the main translators for His Holiness the Dalai Lama and is also a teacher and translator and author in his own right,

Very knowledgeable about both Tibetan Buddhism as well as Western philosophy,

Religion,

Science and so forth.

The book is actually about a training program that he and others developed at Stanford University,

But now it's being taught around the world.

It's called the Compassion Cultivation Training Program.

So it's teaching people how to cultivate compassion and it's in a secular sense,

So you don't have to be a Buddhist to do this kind of training program.

And so the book contains a lot of the meditations that they teach in the Compassion Cultivation Training Program and some of them are just wonderful.

And I thought today we'll do one of these meditations on how to cultivate self-forgiveness.

This is something very difficult for many of us.

We tend to beat ourselves up and feel bad and guilty when we make mistakes or we become aware of shortcomings,

Faults in ourselves.

And if we can't forgive ourselves for our mistakes and our shortcomings and faults,

Then it's difficult to feel that way towards other people when we notice them making mistakes or having faults and shortcomings.

So it's really helpful to learn how to forgive ourselves and then it's easier to extend forgiveness to others.

And then we'll spend some time settling our mind and generating a really positive motivation for being here.

And then we'll have some maybe 10 minutes of meditation on the breath to really settle our minds down.

And then we'll go into this guided meditation.

So I invite you to make yourselves comfortable in a conducive position for meditation.

If you're sitting cross-legged on the floor,

Then have your legs crossed in whatever way is comfortable that you'll be able to sit comfortably for the next 40 minutes or so.

It's fine to move if you need to,

But it's better not to move too much when we're meditating.

Moving our body does affect our mind.

And if you're sitting in a chair,

Just have your two feet flat on the floor.

Whichever way you're sitting,

Try to keep your back straight.

That helps the mind to be more clear,

Alert,

And concentrated.

You can close your eyes if you're more comfortable doing that,

But closing the eyes can lead to sleepiness,

Mental dullness.

So if you think that might happen to you,

Then a way to prevent that is to keep the eyes open a little bit,

Just enough so there's light coming in.

That can help you to stay more awake and alert.

Just have your gaze directed downwards onto your lap or whatever's in front of you.

And it's also important to be relaxed as much as possible.

Try not to be tight or tense.

So just do a quick scan of your body.

You can either go from the top of your head down or from the soles of your feet up.

Just scan through your body.

And if you notice tension,

Tightness anywhere in your body,

If you can let it go,

One way of doing that is just to put your attention,

Your awareness at that place and just say to yourself,

Relax.

You can imagine the tension melting and draining out of you or evaporating in space and vanishing.

Let go of all the tension.

If you're not able to let go of all the tension,

Don't worry about that.

Just let go of as much as you can.

If there's still some spots of tension remaining,

Just accept them,

Let them be.

They're not going to interfere with your meditation.

Now place your awareness on your breathing.

Be aware of the breath as it's coming in and going out.

And by doing this,

We can relax our mind.

Our mind is often very busy thinking about many different things,

Things we have to do later,

Today,

Tomorrow,

Next week,

And so on.

Or still thinking about things that we've already done earlier today or yesterday,

Last week and so on.

So much of our time,

We're thinking about other times,

Past and future,

Or people or projects,

Work,

Relationships,

Problems,

Politics,

And so on.

There's a million things to think about.

So when we meditate,

We try to put aside all these other thoughts so that we can give our mind a break,

A rest from its usual busyness,

And then just focus on the practice that we're doing in meditation.

So being aware of the breath is a helpful way to bring our mind,

Our awareness to the present right here,

Right now,

Because the breath is happening in the present,

Not in the past or the future.

So naturally,

When we are paying attention to our breath,

Coming in and going out,

Then our mind is in the present,

Present moment,

Present place.

And before we continue with the meditation,

We want to make sure that our motivation for joining this session and doing meditation is as positive as possible.

So the best motivation that we could have is altruism,

Caring about other people and other beings,

Wanting to benefit them,

Wanting to not harm them.

And the highest form of altruism is what we call bodhicitta,

The aspiration to become a fully enlightened Buddha,

Fully awakened,

A mind that is free of everything negative,

Disturbing,

Painful,

And fully developed in everything that is positive,

Beneficial.

That's the highest state of mind possible.

And we do have the ability,

The potential to attain that state of mind.

And the whole reason or purpose for attaining that state is to be able to benefit others,

To bring them happiness and peace,

And guide them out of suffering,

And eventually guiding them to enlightenment as well.

So if you're familiar with bodhicitta and comfortable with it,

You can bring that into your mind as your reason for doing this meditation and joining these sessions today.

But if you're not familiar or comfortable with the whole idea of becoming enlightened,

Maybe you're not sure if that's something you can do or want to do,

That's fine.

But try to have some kind of altruistic intention.

For example,

Just thinking,

I want to help others as much as I can in my life.

I want to do good and I don't want to do harmful things.

So I want to develop my knowledge and my abilities and my good qualities so that it can be more helpful and less harmful to others.

And that's why I'm here doing this meditation.

So that's just a suggestion,

But feel free to use your own words,

Your own thoughts to generate some kind of altruism in your reason,

Your motivation for doing this meditation.

So once you've set your motivation,

Then go back to being aware of the breath coming in and going out and use the breath as the focal object,

Object that you keep your mind focused on.

It's difficult to have perfect single-pointed concentration because our mind is so accustomed to thinking about other things and being distracted by other things like sounds that we hear.

So usually we find that our mind does wander away from the breath to other things.

So don't be surprised or upset at yourself if that happens.

Once you notice your mind has wandered away from the breath,

Just gently,

Patiently let go of that other object,

Put it aside and bring your awareness back to your breathing.

Don't worry if you have to do this again and again and again,

It's normal.

And we do need to cultivate kindness and patience with ourself and just keep practicing even if it's difficult.

It's also helpful to keep in mind that thoughts,

Memories,

Sounds and so forth,

The things that distract our attention are impermanent,

Transitory.

They're a few moments and then they're gone,

They disappear.

So they can be compared to clouds in the sky.

They come and they go,

They're not fixed and permanent.

Understanding that the distractions are just like clouds,

Notice them,

Let them go and keep coming back to the breath.

D transferred.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Meditation is how to generate genuine self-forgiveness.

So bring to mind a time when you did something you wish you hadn't.

And as a result you reproached yourself for it.

For example,

Maybe you snapped at someone you care about and later felt bad about it.

So it could have been something you did in relation to another person.

Or it could be something that affected only you.

Maybe nobody else knew about it.

The example in the book is overspending on something you bought and feeling guilty and shamed afterwards.

So recalling the specifics of the incident isn't important unless they help you and evoke the emotional reaction you felt then.

What is important is the recollection of how you engaged in negative self-judgment.

And just silently stay with that for a few moments.

And then ask yourself,

Why is it that I reacted so harshly at that time?

What was the unmet need I was trying to fulfill when I did this action?

For example,

If you lost your temper,

It could have been that you needed respect and felt disrespected by the other person.

Or you needed to be heard and felt that this was not happening.

So when we act unwisely or unskillfully,

It could be that we're acting that way because of some deep need that we have which isn't getting fulfilled at that moment.

It's helpful to try to identify what that need was.

It might be something positive or it might not be,

But nevertheless,

We do feel it.

It is a felt need.

So recognize that although what you did,

For example,

Losing your temper or overspending,

Was not skillful,

The underlying need that prompted your action was legitimate in the sense that it is something you felt.

You did feel this need.

Try to bring awareness to that need and just allow yourself to experience whatever feelings are associated with it.

Maybe sadness or disappointment,

Hurt,

Rather than feeling guilt and shame and self-reproach.

Try to bring feelings of self-acceptance,

Self-forgiveness,

Kindness,

Compassion towards yourself in the place of guilt,

Shame,

And self-judgment.

And if it's difficult to have these feelings towards yourself,

It could be helpful to bring to mind somebody who does have such feelings towards you,

Who is unconditionally loving,

Caring,

Accepting,

And forgiving.

So this could be someone like a parent or a sibling,

A really good friend,

A teacher.

It could also be the Buddha,

Or Tara,

Or Chenrezig,

Who have those qualities all the time for everyone,

Including ourselves.

Bring into mind such a person or being.

You could imagine that person in front of you.

You're in their presence.

And really try to feel this genuine heartfelt love and acceptance and forgiveness coming from them.

So let that loving energy flow into you and fill you completely.

And as you exhale,

Imagine letting go of any tension,

Tightness,

Or any painful emotions there might still be in your body and mind.

Just imagine them going out and vanishing in space.

Let's just mentally dedicate the positive energy of doing this meditation,

Just as we thought in the beginning that we would like to benefit others so you can mentally share this positive energy with other people and other beings.

May it bring them genuine peace and happiness,

Freedom from all suffering and its causes.

.

Reviews

This was difficult for me as I have much guilt and regret over choices I made. Will keep practicing. Thank you. Such a kind voice!

Impactful. Thank you