The Truth About Lying

Why do we lie? Venerable Thubten Chodron gives a short talk and leads a meditation on the actions and mental states that lead us to distort the truth, and the effect that has on ourselves and others. She also teaches how we can purify these actions and mental states, and become more authentic in our relationships with others.

Transcript

Before we actually talk about the subject,

Let's just take a moment and come back to our motivation,

Why we're together,

Why we're going to explore the Dharma together,

And generate a motivation of compassion for ourselves,

For all living beings,

And a motivation to do whatever we can to make a positive contribution to their welfare.

And in order to do that,

We have to work on ourselves.

We have to generate stronger compassion,

Clearer wisdom,

More skill.

So let's have a motivation to do that,

All the time looking at the long-term goal of aiming for full awakening,

Where we'll have all the qualities we'll need to be of the greatest benefit,

To really contribute wisely and kindly to the welfare of the world.

So let's make that our motivation for sharing the evening together.

And then tonight we're going to.

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The label was,

Why Do We Lie?

And that's the question I wanted to ask you.

It's not the question that I'm going to answer for you.

Because we all have to look inside and see what's going on,

Why we explain the truth in a different variation.

So first of all,

Let me just kind of give a general idea about what I mean by lying.

So it's usually an action of speech,

Although we include email in speech,

Even though it's a physical action,

So we have to be careful what we write in our email.

But lying is saying the opposite of what we know to be true.

So if something is we say it isn't,

If it isn't we say it is,

If someone has something we say they don't,

If they don't have it we say they do.

So changing what is true,

And with a motivation of personal gain.

So the motivation is very much involved with protecting ourselves or selling ourselves or something like that.

And I'm saying this because people always come up and say,

Well what about if the hunter comes and they're chasing.

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You know,

You saw a deer run by and they say,

Where did the deer go?

Do you tell the truth?

People love asking me that question.

And I don't think we have to deal.

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That's not the strongest issue that we have to look at in terms of our lying.

You know,

If somebody does something like that,

Of course we want to protect the deer,

Of course we want to protect the hunter from creating negative karma.

So we change the subject,

We do something else,

We distract the person.

You know,

Of course we're not going to say,

Well the deer is right over there.

So here we're really looking at acts of lying that we're doing for our own personal benefit.

And so usually what's happening with lying is we did something that we don't want other people to know.

Something we don't feel good about doing,

Something that wasn't so kind or wasn't so ethical,

And we don't want other people to know because if they know they will not respect us,

They will be angry at us,

We may lose our job,

We may not get what we want.

In other words,

Something bad will happen to us.

And so we cover it up.

That's one case of when we lie.

Another one is,

And this is the one I find so interesting,

The one that people call little white lies.

You know,

The small lies.

And I remember growing up,

When I was growing up,

And seeing people all the time do this,

And also as adults,

All the time telling just these little things.

And when I ask people why they did that,

They usually say,

Well,

So I don't hurt the other person's feelings.

But to me personally,

Actually,

If somebody does that for me,

I feel rather offended.

Like,

You think I'm so sensitive that I can't handle the truth?

You know,

Come on,

Respect me,

I can handle the truth.

In fact,

I can handle the truth much better than I can handle these little white lies.

Not to mention the big fat lies,

Either.

Because I know for me,

If somebody lies to me,

It really interferes with me trusting that person.

In a very,

Very big way it interferes with future trust.

Because to me,

Just the speaking the truth is so essential.

It's the basis for human beings getting along and developing trust.

And if we can't trust each other enough to tell the truth,

Then,

You know,

Something is wrong.

And also,

If we feel like we have to lie to cover up what's true,

Then I think we need to ask ourselves,

Well,

What in the world am I doing that I don't want other people to know about it?

So if you look,

I mean,

We've had two great presidential examples of this in my lifetime.

We had Richard Nixon and then we had Clinton.

Both of them did something that was quite unethical.

And then on top of that,

They lied.

So people in the country got so upset.

I mean,

There was the initial thing they did,

But what made people more upset was the fact that they lied.

If they had at the very beginning just owned up what they did,

Okay,

It's not so good,

But they owned it,

Finished.

But the lying,

When you look at what it did to the country,

How it just fractured relationships and people and made people lose trust in government.

Big time.

So if we don't like when politicians lie,

Then we also have to look at ourselves and ask ourselves why we lie.

Otherwise we're kind of operating from a double standard of,

It's okay when I do it,

My lies are I'm lying out of compassion for the other person.

But when politicians lie,

They're just blech disgusting.

That's a little bit of a double standard there,

Don't you think?

So I think we need to look at how we cover things up with other people.

And then also how we lie to ourselves,

Too.

Which is a whole other topic,

Which I'm just thinking I will do another session on that,

You know,

In the future.

How we lie to ourselves.

Let's just stick tonight with how we lie to others.

I think we have enough to cover.

So let's do a little meditation on this right now.

So begin just watching your breath,

Coming home to your breath,

Letting your body and your mind relax.

And then begin by thinking of a time when you lied.

Don't do just a time of a small lie.

And maybe you're not ready to do the time of a big lie,

Although if you want to that's fine.

So you might just choose a middle kind of degree of lying.

So think of the specific situation in which you did that.

And then ask yourself,

Why did I choose to lie at that time?

So there's no right or wrong answer.

Just ask yourself that question.

And try and be honest about it.

Don't beat yourself up.

But don't make excuses either.

Just deal with it in a truthful way to yourself.

So why in that situation did I lie?

Good.

And in asking yourself why you lied,

See if there's another emotion underlying that.

Maybe it was attachment to reputation,

Or fear of what somebody else might do,

Or anger,

Wanting to create problems for somebody else.

Or perhaps just confusion,

Thinking that it was the right thing to do,

Because you weren't very clear on the situation.

So look a little bit deeper there and see what was the motivation,

The emotion,

Aligning behind the intention to lie.

And then think about the thing that you lied about,

And if there was something else that you were covering up for.

And if so,

How did you feel about that original action that you did?

So what was the motivation for the original action that then led to wanting to lie afterwards?

And then think of how you would like to do it differently,

And how you could do it differently.

So generate a mind of compassion,

Have a mind of wisdom,

And if the same or similar situation arose today,

How do you think you could handle it?

Is there a way where you could be truthful without being attached,

Without being fearful,

Without being mean?

And think of maybe how you could say something,

Or what kind of attitude you would want to cultivate inside yourself in order to be more truthful.

And then if you have some regret for the lie,

Or some regret for the original action that you did,

That would lie behind the lie,

Then let yourself feel that regret.

But make a determination not to do it again,

And then forgive yourself.

So the clearer you are about not wanting to do it again,

The easier it will be to forgive yourself.

Thank you.

Reviews

Good meditation and humbling as it should be

Thank you.

😊😊❣

Phenomenal

That is a relieving session and so helpful to reflect one’s actions! Highly recommended to all who want to work on their ethical behaviour. So greatful for this offer of reflection! Thanks 🙏🏻

Interesting to delve into the why behind the lie. Thank you.

This was really useful; for my own self awareness and regarding others. We feel so much more empowered when we can take responsibility for ourselves in this way/observe ourselves like this and more compassionate/less resentful of others when we see that lying silently communicates a deeper truth we are afraid to show. It’s a lovely way of looking at it.

Getting to the root of my lying is critical on this journey. And this talk was taught me a lot. 🙏

This was the perfect way to reflect on the ways I've lied to myself and others. Thank you for creating this🙏

The most challenging for me of the five precepts. When I’m mindful/aware of what I’m doing, I can spot a lie coming from a mile away and stop it in its tracks. When I’m not, I get taken over by the lie.
Resolving, everyday, not to lie brings my sitting practice to life. It forces me not to be only mindful/aware on the cushion, but to bring that awareness/mindfulness in all that I do.
Thank you, Venerable Chodron for this lesson in dhamma.

A difficult and uncomfortable introspection, but such a deep, loving, caring and forgiving meditation. Thank you.

Honest, open and beautifully clear. Challengingly good. Thanks. Namaste.

Bueatiful words. Need to.listen to more

A loving, introspective, forgiving, honest meditation. Thank you 🙏

This is a difficult topic - lying is a behavior that we are taught is despicable and cowardly yet most if not all of us have engaged in the behavior at some time in our lives. In this meditation the guide begins with compassion for self and others as the space of intent then breaks down the root causes of lying and the impacts of lying on all effected parties. She clarifies that lying is always a self motivated act and how each of us can make different choices in our lives and engagements that will help us feel confident in telling truths. She ends with reflections on self forgiveness for prior dishonesty which acknowledges the fact that we each have the choice everyday every moment to be different than we were before.