Forgiving Ourselves

One of the greatest hindrances we face in our spiritual practice is low self-esteem, which stems from anger directed towards ourselves. Ven. Thubten Chodron gives an 8.5 minute talk followed by a 9.5 minute guided meditation on letting go of self-blame and appreciating our good qualities to cultivate a healthy and realistic sense of self to practice the path to awakening.

Transcript

Before we begin,

Let's take a moment and cultivate our motivation and think that we will share the Dharma together this evening so that we can learn how to forgive ourselves,

How to appreciate our good qualities and enhance them so that we can increase our motivation to use these good qualities for the benefit of all beings and to make a positive contribution to the welfare of society.

So take a moment and place your motivation very firmly within the context of having love and compassion for others and wanting to be of benefit to them.

Okay,

We're going to talk about forgiving ourselves,

Which is a very important thing.

And actually,

I think one of the biggest hindrances that Westerners in particular have to Dharma practice is a sense of low self-esteem,

And often that is very linked in with not forgiving ourselves.

In other words,

We've made a mistake,

Then we,

Instead of thinking I made a mistake,

Separating the person and the action,

We begin to think I am a mistake and don't forgive ourselves for whatever mistake and action we did.

And then when we get into that mental frame,

Then we just spin around ourselves in quite a self-centered way that actually not only is painful for us,

But it really limits our ability to transform our mind,

To practice the Dharma,

To connect with others,

To be of benefit and service to others.

So it's really important to learn to forgive ourselves.

So how do we do that?

First of all,

We're sentient beings,

So making mistakes comes with being sentient beings.

So until we become highly realized beings,

We're going to make mistakes.

So we have to learn to forgive ourselves from them.

And like I said at the beginning,

To separate out,

There's the person who was the agent that made the mistake,

And then there was the mistake in action.

And those two things are two different things.

We are not our actions.

From a Buddhist viewpoint,

We have the Buddha nature,

The Buddha potential,

We can become fully awakened beings.

So,

If that's the nature of the mind,

If that's our potential,

Then we can't at the same time say,

I am a mistake,

Or that my mistakes are an inherent part of me.

We have to see that the mistakes,

The detrimental or harmful actions we did,

Were one thing that we did at a certain moment in our time,

But they are not our identity,

They're not who we are.

However,

We do need to take responsibility for them.

So we need to own up to them,

And then repair them.

We can do some purification practice,

We can go to the other person and apologize,

But we need to acknowledge our mistakes.

And like I said,

Acknowledging our mistakes doesn't mean we blame ourselves and hate ourselves.

It's just that we made a mistake,

So let's learn from it,

Repair the situation as much as possible,

And then go on.

And if we've learned from the mistake,

Then as we go on we won't make it.

Hopefully we won't do that mistake quite as many times as before until we get to the point where we're not doing it at all.

Also,

Another thing I think that really helps in self-forgiveness is to be able to look at whatever mistake we made in the past and think of who we were in the past.

Because whoever we were is not exactly the same person that we are now.

So there's a continuity between who we were in the past and who we are today.

But we're not the same person.

We've changed because our body's changed,

Our mind's changed,

Everything's changed.

We are not any kind of permanent self or permanent soul or anything like that.

So we can look back at the person we used to be and we understand that person well because we used to be that person.

So we understand well what he or she were thinking,

What challenges they were facing at that time.

We understand what the limitations were for them,

Possibly either external limitations or the limitations in their own thinking,

The limitations in their own emotional repertoire,

You know,

Feeling boxed in by certain emotions.

So we have a good understanding of that person who we used to be.

So it's quite good to be able to offer some empathy to that person and some kindness to that person.

So instead of looking back at the person that we were when we made that mistake and saying,

Oh,

You jerk!

How could you do that?

You're such an idiot!

You're such a failure!

You know,

That whole routine.

Instead of doing that,

Talk to the person that we used to be and say,

Oh yeah,

I understand you.

Your mind was really overwhelmed by anger.

Your mind was quite narrow at that time.

You didn't see a lot of choices in your life and you were operating from the viewpoint of,

You know,

I need to make a quick decision or I need to be happy immediately.

And so your wisdom wasn't functioning so well,

So you made a mistake that was wrong.

But I understand you and I can offer you some empathy because I understand where you were coming from.

And I can also offer you some compassion,

You know,

Because I know at that time you were suffering,

You know,

Either physically or mentally,

But you weren't able to see things clearly and,

You know,

That's a situation worthy of compassion.

So you look back on your old self in that way and offer empathy and compassion.

And it's very good when you can do that.

It completely removes all that self-criticism and it brings a feeling of settling,

You know,

Settling the situation somehow in your mind.

Because you're taking responsibility but you're having empathy and compassion for the person that you used to be.

So it's bringing up some positive attribute in us right now.

And the more we can show empathy and compassion to the person we used to be,

Then of course the more we'll be able to show it to others when they make mistakes or do harmful things.

Okay?

So let's do a little meditation right now.

And we'll try and put this into practice.

So,

Take a minute,

Come home to your breath.

And then think of some mistaken or destructive action that you did in the past that you have regret for.

Think of a specific situation.

And then think of the circumstances you were in,

Surrounding that situation.

Were there limitations on you physically?

And also,

How about your mental state?

Was your mind flexible at that time?

Or was it fearful?

Was it anxious?

So think of how you were,

The person that you were,

Back at that time in the past.

And as you do that,

Have a sense of understanding and compassion for that person that you used to be.

It really offers some understanding to that person that you used to be.

See how he or she did the best they could,

According to their abilities in that situation.

And they did do some things good in the situation,

And offer them that understanding for the mistakes they made.

And really remember that the person and the action are two different things.

And then come back,

In your own heart,

To that feeling of forgiveness,

Of understanding,

Some feeling of having brought that whole situation to a conclusion,

So that you learn from it and you can go on without being impeded by the past,

Or by your feelings about the past.

But really settling the situation with kindness towards yourself,

So that you can go on.

So come back to that kind of feeling in your heart.

So this kind of exercise,

We went through it rather quickly,

So I recommend you can do it more later and really take more time with it.

And it's also good to do it many times,

Because each time we do it,

It reinforces that feeling of,

I am not my action,

I learn from my action,

I won't have to repeat it,

And I can really have understanding and forgiveness for myself,

And I can have understanding and forgiveness for others who do similar mistaken things,

Because they're just like me,

Sometimes their minds are narrow,

They're in difficult situations,

They can't think clearly,

So instead of getting angry and critical of myself,

Similarly instead of getting angry and critical of others,

I'll approach things with an understanding that everybody's doing their best,

Even when they make mistakes,

And that we can all learn from our mistakes and go forward in the future and really use our good qualities and not stumble so much on the mistaken attitudes and emotions that we sometimes fall into.

Reviews

thank you for this brief lesson on self-forgiveness!

Very timely that I found this in my morning of torment.

Thankyou. I've been embarrassed and sad about my actions for many years. I will repeat this meditation.

Thank you for your kind words of bringing loving kindness to my prior self.

Such a gentle, beautiful journey of forgiveness of self..it calmed my mind & soothed my anxious feelings. Grateful 🙏

This was helpful and nice and very wise. Thank you so much teacher😊

So beautifully crafted and guided. Thank you so much 🙏💖

Thank you for this helpful practice. This is the foundation to changing my life.

I didn’t realize how much I needed to hear this. Thank you for your guidance. 🙏🏻❤️

I’m so full of anger and rage today, thank you for this blessing 🙏❤️🕊️☮️🌱🪷

Ven. Thubten Chodron has always been an excellent Dharma teacher.
Thank you

Very useful meditation indeed. Forgiving ourselves is the foundation for being able to forgive others.

So helpful for forgiving yourself and others which is key to getting over trauma and moving on.

Wise and comforting reflection. Struggling to deal with the trauma created by a romantic betrayal and abandonment over four decades ago, I have more recently become aware of my shame and self-laceration for failing to recognize or acknowledge the narcissistic and unkind qualities of my then partner. When contemplating my 24 year-old self, I set the intention to forgive him his worldly and emotional immaturity and help him to recognize that he was not to blame in any way for the events that devastated him so completely.
This may not have been completely in the spirit of the meditation; I wasn’t forgiving myself for an action that caused hurt to another. However, I gained some insight into my long-term and self-destructive Response to those events.

Beautiful talk thank you and I really enjoyed putting the talk into practice with the meditation. I will revisit this often, the simplicity of this teaching was just lovely 🙏

Made me cry. I saw myself struggling. I felt so bad for them. They were so lost. 💚

Thank you for sharing these beautiful words... so helpful

There is so much to manage in the quest to live mindfully. Just when you feel your present-moment awareness and gratitude are becoming second nature, you realize you need to revisit self-forgiveness….Thanks for this wonderful guidance.

I honestly believe we are all doing the best we can. BRAVO!

That was incredibly helpful and gave me powerful insight. Thank you.