Forgiving Others

Ven. Thubten Chodron gives a 7 minute talk followed by a 13 minute meditation on releasing our anger towards others for our peace of mind. Recorded live.

Transcript

I always like to start with our motivation,

So if we can just sit for a minute and cultivate a good motivation for being here,

Thinking that we want to learn about ourselves,

We want to learn how our own mind works,

We want to be able to look at resentment and gradualing and how to release that by forgiving others.

And so let's listen and share together this evening for the long-term benefit of ourselves and others.

Like adding one more drop of water to the bucket of merit that we're filling to attain full awakening and be most capable of benefiting all beings.

Okay,

So we're talking about forgiveness.

To talk about forgiveness and meditate on forgiveness,

We have to be able to look at anger because forgiveness is the antidote to anger.

We all probably have grudges,

Things that we're holding onto,

Things that disturbed us,

That happened either a short time ago or a long time ago,

And we're all going to have to look at anger.

We all have grudges,

Things that we're holding onto,

Things that disturbed us,

That happened either a short time ago or a long time ago,

Where we just hold onto our anger.

And sometimes we just sit and stew in our anger.

Sometimes we spend a lot of time planning how to hurt somebody back,

To get our revenge.

And although we like to think of ourselves as nice,

Wonderful people,

The mind that wants revenge is actually kind of a nasty mind,

Isn't it?

And yet it's there,

Present within us sometimes.

What's interesting about the whole issue of forgiveness is on one hand people want to forgive,

On the other hand we want some acknowledgement of how much the other person made us suffer.

So there's a little bit of a problem here because according to Buddhism,

Other people don't make us suffer.

It's our afflictions that make us suffer.

So to hold the grudge saying,

You made me suffer,

And then to further think,

I cannot release my anger,

I cannot be happy again until you apologize because you are the source of my pain,

So you must acknowledge what you did.

And so we hold that kind of thought and assumption in our mind.

And I always call that kind of grudge holding the best way to torture ourselves because it makes us into victims.

If somebody else caused my anger,

Then there's nothing I can do about anger except not be around people who cause it,

Which means I'm going to have to lock myself up in a room and not be with any other sentient being whatsoever for eternity because the point is as long as I have anger and the seed of anger in my mind stream,

Somebody will do something I don't like.

That's a given.

Yeah?

It's not that they don't,

They actually do things I don't like.

It's I get ticked off by things they do.

Okay?

So when I say they made me angry,

I'm making myself into a victim.

You know?

That's what victim mentality is.

They did it.

I have no freedom.

I can't do anything.

So my healing depends on them acknowledging what they did to me.

And that makes us a double victim because then not only is our hurt out of our power,

Our original anger is out of our power,

But our healing is also out of our power because it depends on somebody else apologizing.

And it would really be very nice if they apologized quite well,

You know,

Like if they crawled on their hands and knees up to us,

Beating their chest saying,

I made you suffer so much.

I'm so terribly sorry.

Please forgive me.

And we kind of,

You know,

We run this movie in our mind of,

You know,

These people apologizing and begging us for forgiveness.

And when is that going to happen?

You know?

Like when is that going to happen?

So the real way to look at it,

You know,

To help us heal in this way is that our anger is our responsibility and so forgiveness is also our responsibility.

I define forgiveness as releasing anger.

Okay?

Releasing our own anger.

Forgiving somebody does not mean what they did was okay.

It does not mean they can do it again.

Forgiving simply means that I'm tired of hurting and it's my anger that's making me hurt.

So I'm going to give up my anger and relinquish my anger and have some peace of mind.

So forgiving is something that benefits us.

Okay?

We're not doing somebody else a favor by forgiving them.

We're doing ourselves a favor.

Okay?

But it really requires a lot of internal work going over this again and again to get ourselves to the point where we are willing to give up our anger when we stop blaming the other person for our anger and just say,

That's it.

I've wasted enough of my life hating somebody.

I want to live my life in a happy way.

Okay.

So let's do a short meditation on forgiveness.

So let's begin first watching the breath.

Just watching the inflow,

Outflow of the breath,

Letting your mind relax.

Okay.

So let's begin.

So let's begin with the breath.

So let's begin with remembering and reminding ourselves that we want to forgive so that we can be happy.

That forgiveness is a sign of our own inner strength.

Okay.

So let's begin with it's not a sign of capitulating to the other person's power.

And let's recall also that forgiving does not depend on another person apologizing.

Forgiving is something we do inside of ourselves.

Just spend a moment,

Just think about these points.

Okay.

So let's begin with the breath.

So let's begin with the breath.

So let's begin with the breath.

Then think of somebody that you're holding the grudge against.

Somebody that you would like to be able to forgive.

Or maybe it's a group of people that you would like to be able to forgive.

And ask yourself,

When that person did whatever it was that upset you or threatened you or hurt you,

That person who did that,

Were they happy?

Okay.

So let's begin with the breath.

Or rather,

When they did that,

Were they in pain inside themselves and very confused about how to be happy?

And somehow in their confusion,

They thought that doing whatever action they did would alleviate their pain and bring them happiness.

So kind of put yourself in the other person's shoes and just think about their experience.

Were they happy?

Was there a happy mind that motivated them to do whatever damaging thing they did?

Okay.

So let's begin with the breath.

So let's begin with the breath.

So let's begin with the breath.

And then try and understand the other person's confusion that in their unhappiness they thought what they did that adversely affected you would somehow release their upset.

But in fact all it did was probably worsen their own upset and interfere with their own relationship with you.

So they had mass confusion in their minds at the time they did whatever they did.

And they had a lot of confusion in their minds at the time they did whatever they did.

So they had a lot of confusion in their minds at the time they did whatever they did.

And then try and look at that person through eyes of compassion,

Seeing that it's not that they're an evil person.

It's not that they wanted to hurt you or rejoiced in hurting you.

It's they were very confused and in pain themselves.

And so try and generate some compassion wishing them to be free of their suffering.

So let's begin with the breath.

So let's begin with the breath.

So let's begin with the breath.

And notice that when you have compassion for another person at the same time you cannot feel anger or hatred for them.

So notice how your heart is lighter.

And notice how your heart is lighter when you forgive,

When you have compassion.

Remember that forgiving doesn't mean what they did was okay.

And it doesn't mean that you will allow them to do damaging things again in the future.

Rather you're simply letting go of your anger.

Rather you're simply letting go of your anger.

And notice that when you have compassion for another person at the same time you cannot feel anger or hatred for them.

And then extend some compassion towards yourself wanting yourself to be peaceful inside and free of anger and resentment.

And notice that when you have compassion for another person at the same time you cannot feel anger or hatred for them.

And notice that when you have compassion for another person at the same time you cannot feel anger or hatred for them.

Reviews

fabulous. especially looking at forgiveness as releasing and letting go of my anger. this was very healing ❤️‍🩹 ✨♥️

Me encanta la precisión con la se expresa y su calma.

Incredible!!! thanks

Overly message of empathy as a path to forgiveness.

Understanding rather than being understood

Here lies a revelation for the lightness of the heart.

Thank you so much for having shared your well-formulated heartful wisdom on InsightTimer ❤️✨🙏

This meditation really impacted me. Thank you so much.

Such an important message for me to hear and take on at the moment. Thank you 🙏 So helpful 🤍

A different take on forgiveness than Course Miragles

I'm thankful for receiving your wisdom Venerable 🙏

Venerable, Dear, thank you for your spacious clarity and illumination. Grateful. Sending good wishes. 🌻

Thank you so much
I cried and let go of some of the anger

Thank you for helping me chip away at anger and resentment.

Exactly what I needed. My heart was racing when I began this medi and it ended with expansive, radiating warmth and love. Thank you! 🙏🏼

This is exactly what I needed tonight. Thank you for helping me understand.

New perspective for me. Thank you🙏

Thank u so much that helped alot

Great insight and tools to Forgiving and get clarity

Wonderful way to begIn the New Year

Really helpful thank you