Equanimity Towards Friends, Enemies & Strangers

Venerable Thubten Chodron gives a short talk and guides a meditation that gets us to question how we define our friends, enemies, and strangers. This meditation helps to develop a balanced and equanimous state of mind free from anger and attachment, and forms a strong foundation for cultivating genuine compassion for all beings.

Transcript

Tonight we're going to talk about equanimity,

But before we do,

We want to set our motivation so that we can make sure that what we're about to do is something wholesome,

Something virtuous.

Let's just take a minute and think that we will listen and share together this evening,

So that we can learn about ourselves,

Improve ourselves,

And do that so that we can make a positive contribution to the welfare of all living beings,

To positive contribution to society,

And so that we can grow on the path to full awakening for the benefit of all beings.

So let's have that long-term motivation be the reason why we're here today.

That'll make what we're doing quite worthwhile.

So the meditation we're going to do this evening is about equanimity,

And it is a meditation that is done on the status of the path to awakening,

Together with the meditations to develop bodhicitta,

Or the altruistic intention.

So equanimity involves stabilizing our mind,

Making it very balanced,

So that we don't have attachment and clinging to some people that we call friends and loved ones,

So that we don't have anger and hostility towards other people.

We'll call them enemies for the sake of brevity,

And so that we aren't apathetic and indifferent towards strangers,

Because on a daily basis we tend to be like emotional yo-yos.

When we meet people we like,

Attachment comes up.

Then we see somebody we don't like,

And animosity comes.

Then you're trying to navigate your way through the city,

And there's all these strangers,

And who cares about them?

And so in our lives we really want to be able to connect with people in a very heart level.

But as long as we're obscured by attachment to friends,

Anger or animosity towards enemies,

And apathy towards strangers,

We're never going to really be able to connect with anybody really from our heart.

So this meditation is designed to help us understand this,

And how to equalize our motivations.

So I just want to explain before we start that when I say enemy,

It doesn't mean that you're meh with that person,

But it could be somebody who you just don't like,

Who you feel threatened around,

Who has harmed you in the past,

Somebody towards whom you have some kind of negative emotion.

So we'll just use the word enemy for that group of people,

And we'll use the word friend for the group of people that we feel very close to,

That we like to be around,

That we have some attachment for.

Okay,

So when we start the meditation we're going to be investigating in our own mind how those emotions arise to those three different categories of people.

And so there's no right or wrong answers.

I'll be asking you some questions that we can all look at and see how our mind operates.

And you know,

So just listen to what your mind says,

Okay?

Don't get in there and say,

Oh,

I shouldn't think like that,

Because then you won't really be able to feel the impact of the meditation.

Okay,

So let's start just watching our breath for a minute.

Let the mind settle down.

And begin by thinking of someone that you're quite attached to,

Somebody you really like to be around,

That you don't want to be separated from.

And imagine that person in front of you.

And then ask yourself,

Why am I so attached to this person?

So what are my reasons for being so attached and wanting to be with them so much?

And then just listen to what your mind says.

And then think of somebody for whom you have quite a bit of aversion,

Anger,

Animosity.

And again,

Ask yourself,

Why do I have so much aversion and dislike for this person,

So much hostility towards them?

And again,

Just listen to what your mind says.

There's no right or wrong answer.

And then think of a stranger,

Somebody that you feel rather indifferent about,

And ask yourself,

Why am I indifferent or apathetic about this person?

And then think of somebody for whom you have quite a bit of aversion,

Anger,

Animosity,

And hate towards this person,

So much hostility towards them.

And again,

Just listen to what your mind says.

And then think of somebody for whom you have quite a bit of aversion,

Anger,

Animosity,

And hate towards this person,

So much hostility towards them.

And then in looking back at your responses to those three questions,

Why the attachment for the friend,

The animosity towards the enemy,

And the apathy for the stranger?

What word kept coming up again and again in your responses to those questions?

Maybe if there's a single word that you can identify that appeared in all of them.

And then think of somebody for whom you have quite a bit of aversion,

Anger,

Animosity,

And hate towards this person.

So what was that word?

Was it me?

I?

Yeah.

I want to be near this person because they make me feel good,

Because they encourage me,

Because they take my side,

Because they help me out,

Because they agree with my ideas,

Because they're nice to me.

Why this other person I can't stand?

Because they're mean to me,

They lie to me,

They threaten to me,

They talk behind my back,

They criticize me.

And then all the strangers,

Why apathy?

They don't affect me one way or another.

But then you watch,

And after somebody does just a small thing,

We so easily put them either into the friend category or the enemy category.

There's somebody who's a perfect stranger,

You're standing in the supermarket line,

Somebody who's a perfect stranger,

You're apathetic.

Then the person turns around and helps you load your stuff on the conveyor.

Oh,

Thank you so much.

Now this person is a friend,

They help me.

Or maybe they have a kid that's shrieking and screaming and you have a headache and it's like,

Why does this parent take care of their kid?

And all of a sudden they go in the enemy category.

So this whole division into friend,

Enemy,

And stranger,

Which lies behind the emotions of attachment,

Of anger and of apathy.

This whole division centers upon how people relate to,

Da da da da,

Me,

Who just happens to be the center of the universe.

And so how people act towards me is the criteria for whether they are a good human being,

A worthwhile and kind human being,

Or whether they are a beep beep beep that we have all sorts of negative thoughts about,

Or whether we just ignore.

So it all depends on how they relate to me.

So this isn't how we usually see our relationships with people.

When we have a friend,

We usually think that person is a good person from their own side,

As if they're external to us and from their own side they're a wonderful person.

And I just happen to meet that wonderful person.

And the other guy who's a complete jerk is a jerk from his own side.

So I'm right in having my negative feelings towards them.

And everybody else is kind of as if they aren't even real human beings.

When you're walking down the street or trying to get somewhere on public transport,

All the other people become like just people to navigate around so that you can get where you're going and get what you want.

We don't pay any attention.

It's almost as if they aren't real life human beings with feelings.

So it all depends on how they relate to me.

But we don't see it as that.

We think objectively that they're in this kind of state.

And that really brings us a lot of problems because the moment somebody changes their behavior in the slightest bit,

We will move them from one category to the other and our emotions about them will change correspondingly.

So somebody who's the stranger helps us in the subway,

They go in the friend category.

Somebody who's a friend who forgets to return our call or says no when we need some help,

They go in the enemy category.

Somebody who is in the enemy category,

But we meet them in a very different situation,

Maybe we have a flat tire and they help us.

Then they go into the friend category.

And so our emotions about them change corresponding to what category we have anybody in at any particular time.

So our emotions,

They're very self-centered,

Aren't they?

Based completely on how somebody relates to me.

And also they're based on this obscurity that thinks that people are that way from their own side.

When it's us,

We make them into a friend,

We make them into a stranger,

We make them into an enemy.

It's not who they are from their side.

It's what we make them as.

So the idea behind this meditation is seeing how totally unreliable our mind is in terms of our emotions towards people and how we categorize people.

Because relying on a self-centered attitude really is not very reliable at all.

To see that and then to look beyond that and see,

Well wait a minute,

Everybody is actually exactly the same and they want to be happy and they don't want to suffer.

And that's something about each living being that I know.

And that goes beyond whether I happen to like them or dislike them at any particular moment.

And so if we focus on that,

Hey,

This is somebody who wants to be happy and doesn't want to suffer,

Then it's possible for us to have a positive feeling towards everybody because we know something very important about each person.

And then instead of paying attention to how they relate to me and categorizing them as friend,

Enemy,

And stranger,

And developing attachment and anger and apathy rather than that whole emotional mess,

Then being able to connect to everybody in the heart level because they just want to be happy and don't want to suffer.

And in that way,

There's no difference between any of them and there's no difference between me and them.

And therefore,

Developing a feeling of equanimity here meaning open-hearted care and concern for everybody,

No matter who they are.

That would be a lot nicer than attachment,

Anger,

And apathy.

Okay.

So right now as we're closing,

Let's just take a minute and take a minute to rejoice at having spent the evening together.

And let's rejoice at the good energy that we created together by doing this meditation.

And then let's send that energy out into the universe.

Send the energy of goodness and care out into the universe.

Even thinking of it as light radiating from our heart and touching everybody,

No matter whether they're a friend,

Enemy,

Or stranger.

The light from our heart touching them and bringing them peace in their minds and in their hearts and their lives.

Reviews

Thank you, it was so eye opening!

Highly recommended for a clear and concise demonstration/teaching of Equanimity. Thank you 🙏

Thank you learnt a lot from this brief talk. And changing perspective for the positive. I like that everyone wants to be happy and not suffering 🙏

Great message- big-time Goals..but how do I get there? How do i replace attachment aversion apathy with equanimity?

Wow! This really opened my eyes and my heart. Thank you! ❤️🌻

I absolutely adore this! Thank you for helping be a better person!

Thank you very much for sharing this with us. I thought that meditation was about emptying the mind, so this was a fascinating experience to use it as a vehicle for self exploration.

A beautiful start to Sunday, setting an attitude for the week ahead 🙏

I never new this ultimate truth before ...thankyou so.much dear ..

A lesson I very much needed to learn and I am grateful. 🌛💜🌜I will listen to this again.

Can’t get enough of her teachings ☺️🙏

Thank-you for this wonderful meditation !

Thank you 🙏
Beautiful combination of practical practice with a teaching

Very nice to listen to you! Thank you!

Very profound and meaningful practice creating the space to go beyond the unreliability of our minds ... Thank you

I come back to this regularly. Brilliant 🙏

I had an insight into another step in allowing and accepting and healing the very difficult relationship I have with a relative. Thank you.

I have been struggling with the attachment to my 'positive people', and this really helped gain some more insight.

It was a little difficult to hear but the quality of the talk outweighed this. True words of wisdom spoken and some very good tips to remember when approaching strangers and managing other relationships.

Insightful and wonderfully helpful. I even realize now that one of the closest people to me was hard to have good thoughts for. I found hurts that I should deal with so that I am able to have an open heart. Thank you for the mediation.