92. Bouncing Back: 4 Strategies For Becoming More Resilient

Resilience isn’t necessarily something we are all born with, though it is certainly something we can learn. Kabbalah teaches that the goal is not to be unbothered by difficulties but to work towards a peaceful acceptance of hardship, even as we strive to create significant change in our lives. Join us as Monica and Michael discuss how we can foster resilience in ourselves so we may push through to the other side of each challenge we encounter and emerge stronger than we started.

Transcript

One of the reasons why children are inherently more resilient is because they have not become rigid for the most part.

And as we look,

Those of us who are adults,

Who are looking at our lives and asking the question,

How can I become more resilient?

The question is,

How do I become less rigid?

Welcome to the Spiritually Hungry podcast episode 92.

This week we're going to talk about resilience,

But first I'd like to start by dispelling an age old adage.

It's one we've all heard.

Do you know it?

An age,

Somebody wrote a song.

About resilience?

Same title.

About resilience.

You tell me.

Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

While some challenges do make us stronger,

That's not a universal truth.

But if it was true,

Everybody would be strong.

In some cases,

People even become emotionally crippled by their experiences.

Whether we emerge stronger or weaker depends on our consciousness when we're met with challenges.

And that's why resilience is so important.

I have another story,

Michael.

I love your stories.

This one's a true story.

Really?

Is it about you?

No.

I really actually found this very interesting.

I discovered this years ago and I go back to it often when I speak in different places.

I thought this was such a great example of resiliency.

So once upon a time,

That's not how it usually starts.

I added that.

There was a biodome.

For those of you that are unfamiliar,

It's a very large glass dome that supports an artificial world.

It's a controlled environment,

Completely self-contained,

Where scientists studied humans,

Plant life,

Farming techniques,

And biological functions.

For months and months,

Everything seemed to be perfect.

No plant,

Animal,

Or human seemed in any way adversely affected by the artificial ecosystem.

However,

One day,

A tree fell over,

Unprovoked seemingly,

And then all the other trees started to topple.

Startled scientists and humans inside the dome soon realized that trees begin to fall when they reach a certain height because the root systems were shallow and underdeveloped,

Thereby incapable of supporting the mass of the tree.

What had these brilliant researchers forgotten in their near perfect synthetic world?

Can you solve the riddle?

So I need to know,

Have more information.

They took trees,

Uprooted them,

And planted them here?

Or these were trees that were growing there in the first place?

It doesn't really matter.

No,

It really doesn't because they took animals and plants and they created what would be the perfect environment for any of these to thrive in,

Right?

They thought of everything.

Right,

But the roots,

They didn't allow the roots to develop.

It's not allowing the roots to develop.

The roots need something specific to be able to develop.

Which is?

Wind.

Interesting.

Without resistance,

The trees simply did not grow deep roots.

Is that a fact?

Yes,

It is.

It's really interesting.

We can learn so much from trees.

Of course.

Going even further,

Scientists measured trees and habitats with powerful winds and found that they grow deeper roots than trees in milder climates.

So that's just an example of why we need resistance and adversity in order to become strong and resilient.

So what is resilience?

The American Psychological Association defines resilience as the process of adapting well in the face of adversity,

Trauma,

Tragedy,

Threats,

Or even significant sources of stress.

Did we do a podcast on stress yet?

Yeah,

I believe we did.

I feel like we need to do another one.

Resilient people utilize their resources,

Strengths,

And skills to overcome challenges and work through setbacks.

Those lacking resilience get easily overwhelmed and may turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms.

So I want to let you say something.

And then I want to talk about the different types of resilience.

Because there are three different ones,

According to Professor Jeannie Joseph,

Who is the creator of the ACT Resilient Program.

But before I get to that,

What would you like to say?

I would say that I have this tendency that whatever it is that I'm thinking about at the time or involved in at the time,

I see it as the most important thing.

People sometimes make fun of me for that.

The spiritual reasons for that,

Which I won't get into.

But I was prepared.

That's interesting.

Let's unpack that.

No,

I actually think that whatever it is that you're involved in in that moment should be the most important thing for you at that time,

At least.

But you know,

Sometimes we have to be involved with many,

Many things.

Yes,

Yes.

But you try to choose the most important.

So my point being that as I was thinking about preparing for this podcast,

It became clear to me,

And there's also science,

Of course,

To back this up,

That it is one of the most important qualities that we both can and need to develop.

And I also believe that without a spiritual understanding,

It is very difficult to awaken or create the right amount of resilience.

And I know we've had this conversation very often about our kids,

That kids go through different things that at least to them at the time seemed like difficulties or hardships.

And we either speak to them about it or when we speak between the two of us,

We mentioned the fact that the most important skill,

Almost number one,

That a child should develop over time.

And that's why it's important for kids,

You know,

Sometimes you have these parents who want their kids,

Everything to go right for them,

Or fix every problem for them.

That they should never struggle as they did,

And you want to protect them.

And of course,

Certain,

You know,

Reason,

Times.

From your own pain.

That's right.

But in reality,

One of the most important things we can teach our children is the fact that yes,

There are going to be challenges in life.

And what is the way to build resilience?

What is the way to build the ability to not only traverse them,

But actually always becoming stronger through them.

And in fact,

As you said,

When our kids come to us,

They're like,

Oh my God,

This is,

Why did this happen?

It's not supposed to be this way.

Or it's so hard.

We often say,

You know,

You're young.

This is just the beginning of your life.

And you need to learn how to deal with hard things.

You need to know that you're capable and able.

And you need that experience to really become the person you're meant to.

So we actually,

I mean,

I think we,

You know,

Welcome it,

But we certainly see it as an opportunity to teach them this very important lesson.

Well,

And the point is that every single person has challenges.

And daily.

And hopefully for most of us,

They're not huge every single day.

But how one deals with challenges,

And more importantly,

How one builds resilience is maybe again,

As I said,

One of the most important skills for a person to develop.

One other point is that this is very easy to test how resilient you are.

If you're mindful,

I think,

Again,

Unfortunately,

A lot of people go through life not even thinking about whether they are resilient,

Whether more importantly,

Their resilience is growing.

And I always use this as a test when I speak to people about the importance of developing and changing and growing.

If you take the same situation experienced last year and today,

The time that it took you to recover,

Did that become shorter?

And that's something we should be asking ourselves all the time.

This happened to me last year,

This happened to me this year,

Today even,

Am I easier to,

Do I find it easier to recover from that situation?

Again,

It could be small situations or greater situations.

If the answer is yes,

I find that the time between,

We'll call it stress or challenge to equanimity,

Meaning accepting and being maybe even happy about it or at least accepting of it,

That is one of the most important tests of our resilience.

And if a person is growing in the right way,

And I would add using wisdom in the right way,

Then they will absolutely be finding that they are becoming more resilient and the way they test that is by saying this happened to me today or this week and I find and I see that it's taking me so much less time to recover.

By the way,

It's not about being perfect.

We're not supposed to,

Again,

It's the ultimate state,

Maybe a spiritual being,

But we're not supposed to come to a state where nothing bothers us.

No,

The only question is how are you growing in resilience?

Which means again,

From last week,

From last month,

From last year to this year,

Faced with the same situation,

You are either more quick or even get to a state where it doesn't even bother you.

Okay,

So that's how you can gauge where you are and how you've grown.

But let's talk,

Let's unpack this because there's a lot to cover and there's a lot of different tools and tips on how to get there.

So the three different types of resilience,

Again,

That Jeannie Joseph identified,

The first is inherent resilience,

Which is natural,

Right?

It's the natural resilience we're born with and it protects us and informs us on how we discover and explore the world.

Then there's adapted resilience,

Which is a forced resiliency.

This type of resilience occurs at different points in our lives and is usually brought on or about through a difficult or challenging experience.

This might also be thought of as trial by fire.

Learning how to roll with life's punches can help you build resilience and grow stronger as a result.

And the third is learned resilience from life experiences.

This is built up over time and we learn to activate it through difficult experiences from our past.

So bottom line is we can all learn techniques and we can build our resilience.

To where we were when we were children is children are pretty resilient,

Right?

If you think about all the things that we go through as kids,

Like,

You know,

Some people are raised on army bases,

They've moved 10 times or,

You know,

Whatever the situation.

If we had that experience as an adult,

We'd be like,

Oh my God,

My life is horrible.

Or we'd have all kinds of added on emotions to,

And that's the point,

Right?

I think that's what gets us stuck.

We're more resilient when we're young because we're less complicated in terms of what I deserve,

What I don't deserve.

Why did this happen?

Why didn't it?

We're like,

Okay,

This happened and we're able,

As I said,

Roll with the punches.

Right.

And one of the things that both in the scientific side and also in the spiritual side that I think is maybe the cornerstone of resilience is the idea of not being rigid.

One of the reasons why children are inherently more resilient is because they have not become rigid for the most part.

And as we look,

Those of us who are adults,

We're looking at our lives and asking the question,

How can I become more resilient?

The question is,

How do I become less rigid?

Right.

Also,

How have you let life make you rigid,

Which comes back to what is your mindset?

What is your consciousness about why things have happened to you?

How painful they were,

What you deserve,

What you didn't,

Right?

A lot of our dissatisfaction,

I think,

In life is because it doesn't match our expectation of what we thought life would be.

Right.

And we get stuck there.

Right.

And also,

But to your point also about learned resilience is that it's also true,

And psychologists speak about this as well,

That child certainly growing up with parents who are not very,

I would say supportive,

Can wind up learning the opposite of resilience,

Right?

And I saw a very interesting idea that they say that when a person grows up,

There's sort of the natural resilience that can come through childhood.

But then they use the example of either neural,

That our mind becomes like a concrete or like a swamp.

And I want to explain that a little bit because I think all of us have parts of this,

But they call it the neural cement or neural swamp.

Neural cement is a person who either through childhood often but maybe in life has experienced so many challenges and not bounced back from them,

That they are so rigid that anything that goes wrong is the end of the world.

How many times do we meet people like this where it's like,

Really?

You're making a big deal out of this?

Yeah,

But they're in the state of neural cement where it's like everything is exactly… Chicken little,

The sky is falling.

The sky is falling.

Yeah,

But more,

Yeah.

But more than that,

That such a state of rigidity that they can't handle even the slightest change to what they expected to happen.

And the other one,

Which is also as detrimental,

Is neural cement where… Sorry,

Neural swamp,

Where a person has gone through so many different things and they become so malleable to what's around them,

They don't even know what they believe anymore.

Again,

Often this comes from childhood trauma where also that's not resilience,

That's just being like a leaf in the wind.

Both of those,

Of course,

Are not where we're aiming for.

To find that perfect balance of being both strong,

That essence of what I would call equanimity,

Where you are able to take different strong winds of life and bend with them,

At the same time not being too rigid and being able to flow with what happens in life.

So there are four different categories that speak to what you're saying,

Because everything is body,

Mind,

And spirit.

So there's psychological resilience,

Emotional resilience,

Physical resilience,

And community resilience.

Today is really interesting because I think we need to have this well-rounded approach to creating this muscle in ourselves.

So psychological resilience refers to the ability to mentally withstand or adapt to uncertainty,

Challenges,

And adversity.

It's sometimes referred to as mental fortitude.

People who exhibit psychological resilience develop coping strategies and capabilities that help them remain calm when things are chaotic.

We know people like that,

Right?

And that is something,

If you're not there,

All of these things can be built.

So I just think it's really important to talk about the different ways in which we can do that.

The second is emotional resilience.

There are varying degrees of how well a person copes emotionally with stress and adversity.

Some people are by nature more or less sensitive to change.

That's true.

Even resilient people understand what they're feeling and why,

And they tap into realistic optimism even when dealing with the crisis.

Then there's physical resilience.

Refers to the body's ability to adapt to challenges,

Maintain stamina and strength,

And recover quickly and efficiently.

It's a person's ability to function to recover when they face illness,

Accidents,

Or other physical demands.

There is research published in 2016 in the Journal of Gerontology that showed that physical resilience plays a.

.

.

What is gerontology?

I think it's the study of aging.

Yes,

I think you're right.

That makes sense.

That showed the physical.

.

.

That showed that.

.

.

I love when you teach me new things.

That showed that physical resilience plays an important role in healthy aging.

And so many people are trying to hack into that these days.

I think we should really pay attention here.

As people encounter medical issues and physical stressors,

Healthy lifestyle choices,

Building connections,

Making time to rest and recover,

Deep breathing and engaging in enjoyable activities all play a vital role in being physically resilient.

And then there's community.

.

.

If I could actually.

.

.

Three points.

I mean,

We could just do a podcast on that.

I think that's what I was referring to earlier about the stress that there's so many things we're paying a lot of money to cheat.

We never wanna get old like that.

We never wanna lose this sense or that.

And there are things that we can do to avoid ever getting to that place.

Right.

So just to the physical aspect of why resilience is so important,

As I said before,

I think for many reasons it is.

But physically.

.

.

So they found.

.

.

Again,

This is all based on research.

Higher resilience is related to a lower rate of mortality and increased physical health.

They actually found in one study that people who are more resilient live 7.

9 years longer.

Wow.

That's a lot.

Yes.

Also,

It boosts the immune system functioning.

So there are many.

.

.

I think more important.

.

.

Maybe more.

.

.

I can't say more importantly,

But importantly,

Other reasons to build resilience.

But even if just for the physical benefits of it,

It's very important.

Well,

Even if you think about a ballerina who had an injury that stopped her from ever being able to dance professionally again.

For some that could be just life is over,

Especially if that was where their joy was found and that's where their purpose and meaning was.

But they could do anything else,

But you have to be okay with doing something else.

So this is harder than one might think,

But it's so necessary.

I think maybe our listeners,

Certainly we've all met people who get stuck in one great challenge in life.

And even if they continue living.

.

.

They're still stuck at that pain point.

And I think that's why it's so important to understand that this is,

Like you said before,

A muscle you have to build.

Because we are all going to come to challenges.

And unless we're constantly developing the strength of resilience,

A person can wind up like those people we know,

Where they get stuck in that moment of challenge.

And again,

Even if they lived on,

They didn't move on.

And so much joy,

So much happiness,

So much life that one can lose by not having the resilience to properly,

I would say,

Grow from the challenges.

And that is the most important aspect of resilience.

And then the fourth one is community resilience,

Which refers to the ability of groups of people to respond to and recover from adverse situations such as natural disasters,

Acts of violence,

Economic hardship,

And other challenges to their community.

I think that everybody can relate to this in the time we're in.

So some real life examples of that would be in New York City following 9-11.

Newtown,

Connecticut after Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting.

New Orleans following Hurricane Katrina.

And the communities of Gilroy,

California,

El Paso,

Texas,

And Dayton,

Ohio in the wake of mass shootings.

I mean,

As I'm reading this,

Honestly,

I'm getting the chills.

It's so scary that this is the world we live in.

So our resilience in the face of unprecedented public health emergencies being tested is never before.

Again,

Resilience is something we need to be able to not only get through these kinds of things,

But be stronger in those broken places.

Yes.

So I think that,

And I can tell you for myself,

The tool that is most powerful for me to continually build resilience is because I think for many people when you come to a challenge,

The first question is,

Why is this happening?

And we often talk about this.

And our kids will go through small challenges,

Big challenges.

Why is this happening?

I need to understand.

So one of my favorite Kabbalists' names is Moshe Chaim Lusato.

Well,

First one of your favorite responses is,

I don't know.

Exactly.

I'm not God.

Or I say,

I'm not smart enough to know.

This is the point.

I'm not smart enough to know,

Yes.

He says the following.

I think I say,

I'm not God.

You're like,

I'm not smart enough to know this.

That's true.

That everything that happens has a reason and a purpose.

He said,

Even the smallest thing that happens,

The smallest thing that happens has a thousand reasons why it's happening.

When you understand that we are living within a system that is in the deepest way perfect,

Everything that happens,

Every part of it from what we would think is the most insignificant to the most significant,

All of them have thousands of reasons why they need to be happening.

And if it's happening to us,

Why would they need to be happening to us?

Why would we need to be experiencing them?

We do not have the brain capacity nor the understanding to understand a thousand of them.

So even if at times I can even make sense of,

Oh,

I understand why this is happening to me for this or that reason,

I still know with humility that even my understanding of it,

Even I do understand it,

Is a fraction of the real reasons why it's happening.

Because I think in order to accept what we don't want to be happening as it's happening,

We have to first begin with the understanding that even the things that we do want to happen that are happening,

We can't possibly even understand why they're happening.

We never ask,

Why did I just get this raise?

Or usually we don't ask,

Or why did this good thing just happen?

We just take it in.

It makes sense to us.

It's part of life.

It should be happening like this.

No,

Even that we don't understand.

And then you bring that over to the situations that you didn't welcome,

You didn't ask for them to happen.

If you're able to awaken the thought,

And this has to happen a hundred times a day,

A thousand times a week,

I know that what is happening is ultimately for my benefit,

And I am not possibly smart enough to understand even a fraction of the reasons why it's happening,

But I accept it as it's for my benefit.

So that is not something,

Again,

Even our listeners now with the podcast,

It's not something you can get to after listening to a podcast and hearing it once,

But it's a muscle you need to build.

So whenever something positive happens,

My reaction,

I try for it to be,

I'm appreciative of it,

I have no idea why it's happening,

But I accept it.

When something happens that is not what I wanted,

Be it the smallest thing like tripping and falling or somebody yelling at me saying something nasty or bigger challenges than that,

I know that it's for my benefit.

I know that I can't possibly understand the reasons behind or the endless reasons behind all the things that are happening and therefore I accept it.

And this is something,

This is a conversation we need to have in our mind a thousand and another thousand times,

Another thousand times before it becomes our reality.

Well,

This is the consciousness that allows you to really become resilient in all situations.

Exactly.

I thought it was interesting when you said,

When you were quoting Kabbalists that there's a thousand reasons why this could be happening and when you said that… Not why it could be happening,

Why it is happening.

But when you said that I thought when we're so ego based really because when things happen we think it's only for us,

It only happened to us.

When really even if something's happening to you,

It's probably happening at the same time maybe it's affecting many other people.

Like let's say a flight was canceled or something like that.

We think,

Oh my God,

Why did this happen to me?

But how many other people were scheduling that flight?

It happened to everybody,

Right?

It's all in that realm of this is not what I wanted,

It's not what I expected,

It's not what I deserve and therefore I'm going to get upset about it,

I'm going to get stuck in it,

I'm going to be really complicated about why I was undeserving or maybe I'm not worthwhile enough to be able to go on that vacation and that's why the flight got… whatever it is.

Instead of just saying,

Okay,

So that happened,

What are my other options?

Or what else could I be doing in this time now that I've just been given,

Right?

But I think,

Again,

It's a really important point and I'll use an example which we often speak about as we've shared with our listeners.

Our second son Josh was born with Down syndrome.

He was?

Yeah.

And we,

In retina now it's 20 years later,

We personally see great blessings,

Great blessings that continue for us.

I wrote a little something that I'm going to share later about my experience with that but I know where you're going with this.

But that's great for us,

Right?

But then we also often speak about our other children,

Dave and Miriam Abigail,

How in ways that we can make sense of today but probably in thousands of ways that we can't even understand,

It has been so beneficial and tremendous blessings for them growing up in the house with Josh.

And I think it's so important to realize that because it would be,

I don't want to be stupid,

Silly for us to think,

Oh,

We understand why this blessing came in this way into our lives.

No,

There's a million reasons,

Thousands of reasons we probably see and millions of reasons we don't,

Some of them being for our kids,

Some of them being probably for our community,

Some of them being for our family.

So when you realize,

Again,

That life is perfectly set up,

Perfectly set up but for reasons we can't even possibly comprehend often.

Sometimes we see,

Sometimes we don't.

When we see,

Be humble and understand you're seeing,

Yeah,

One reason out of a million.

When you don't see,

Accept there's a million reasons you don't see that are ultimately beneficial and that's the point.

Unless you're able to get to this consciousness and maybe more importantly work to develop this muscle,

Ultimate resilience I think will be something that will be hard to achieve.

But with this consciousness and with this consciousness is constantly being developed.

Again,

And I… You have to want to see a different way.

You have to want that.

You have to be able to write a different narrative to whatever story is in front of you.

Because if not,

Then it's going to be all the things,

You know,

The victim consciousness.

You can write and live a very different story just based on the fact of what happened.

That sure,

That's one way to live and many people live like that.

Or you can rewrite it and say,

Okay,

Because by the way,

The example of Josh with our kids,

I think that on the day he was born if we wrote what we thought that story would look like and even what we thought the experiences of our other children would be with having a brother like Josh,

We wouldn't have… I actually remember initially as we were going through the different thoughts,

One of them was like,

Is this,

You know,

Is it going to negatively influence our other kids?

What is their life going to be like having a brother with Down syndrome?

Well,

They have to take care of those.

It was only David at that point.

But yeah.

Right.

And,

You know… Well,

David didn't even notice anything until he was like 13.

But the point is,

The lesson is,

The understanding is that it has been so good for all of our kids and so many other people in ways that we know,

But more importantly in ways that we don't know.

And live… And that's where the gift is.

Exactly.

Being able to live with that humility and with that consciousness.

And again,

It has to be worked on every single day.

And unfortunately,

Again,

Because you do come across people and maybe some of our listeners that,

Yes,

They go through the challenges.

Everybody goes through challenges,

But did you build resilience through it?

I don't know what the percentages are.

I don't know if there are studies about it.

I would venture to guess that most people going through challenges big and small are not grabbing the opportunity to grow in resilience because they're not being mindful as they're going through it.

And in the opportunities that they have,

They're not building the muscle of resilience.

And again,

I do want to call attention to this.

Again,

It's when you're in the supermarket and they ran out of that thing that you wanted to buy or you know,

All the small things.

Build it,

Build it,

Build it.

Again,

That conscious,

This is happening for reasons that I can't even begin to comprehend,

But they are for my benefit.

And therefore,

I'm eventually excited and happy about it.

I had an appointment today and I saw a call coming in from their office right away.

And I was on another call and I'm thinking,

Should I answer it?

Shouldn't I?

The appointment's coming up soon.

And right away I'm like,

They're probably going to cancel it.

Okay,

Do I have other… I'm already in my brain thinking about how I was going to make this work,

Maybe tomorrow next week.

And then I answered the call like,

Oh,

Can you come 15 minutes later?

I was like,

Yes.

And at that point,

Sometimes I surprised myself because I'm so quick now because I've been practicing this specific thing for so long that right away my brain's like,

That's not going to work.

Okay,

What are they?

Like immediately.

There's no room for emotion about it.

Of course,

If they're bigger things,

Then yes.

But even then,

I've been able to train myself to be flexible enough to say,

Okay,

Well,

It's an opportunity here.

Yeah,

And that's another word which again I think is so important and it ties in perfectly to resilience and flexibility.

And what I would ask our listeners now is think about yourself and think about the parts of you that are rigid.

And I'm trying to think,

Is there ever any benefit to being rigid?

I'm not sure that there are.

I can't think of any right now.

There might be.

There's definitely great benefit to being flexible and being easy,

Easy for change,

Easy for life,

Easy for new things coming into your life that you didn't plan.

And understand that the more rigid you are,

The less joy you will have out of life.

The more flexible you are,

The more you will enjoy life.

And yes,

It leads to resilience ultimately.

But I think it's so important for all of us to look inside,

Look at our lives.

What are the things that we are rigid about?

Most of them probably,

To whatever degree we are rigid,

Are hindering our joy in life.

Find a way to become unrigid in all of those areas.

So many times we were with people and like,

Oh my god,

They didn't get the right seat in the restaurant.

Dinner is over,

Right?

So many,

I'm sure all of us,

You and all of us can think of a thousand different times,

Forget about looking outward,

That we have done that.

Oh my god,

This happened.

It's over.

Like again,

There's probably the 3 to 5% of things in life that are really important,

That are real challenges.

The rest,

We're just unresilient and rigid about that,

Just silly.

And what we're saying is that find those,

Try to transform rigidity into flexibility because that's how you build resilience.

And that's more importantly how you get more moments of joy rather than moments of upset and disappointment.

I think that's a hard question for people to be able to answer truthfully.

Well,

Can I ask you?

Well,

I was going to ask you this question and I think you were going to ask me the same just now but I don't want to go too far off because there's a lot of other things I want to talk about.

But do you,

Where are you still rigid?

I think often,

And this is,

You know,

I have ideas about what my day should look like,

Right?

So you know,

I'd like to plan out my day,

What's going to happen then,

What's going to happen there.

And then when something comes in,

I always have the question,

You know,

Should I deal with it,

Should I not deal with it,

Should I answer that phone call.

So I think that's one area where I can become less rigid in sort of allowing,

And it's interesting,

I mean just today I had this thought,

You know,

Sort of I had my day planned and there's somebody who I owe a phone call who's asked me to call them to go into a challenging time.

And honestly,

You know,

My day was so full,

Part of it,

Preparing for the podcast,

That I made the choice not to call them back because it didn't fit into the plan that I had for my day.

And I think being less rigid about,

Especially when it comes to doing something that's good for others is important for me.

So are you going to call that person later?

I am going to call them.

No,

Well I called them again,

We've been playing phone tag,

That's not the point.

The point is that today I made a choice not to because I had a different plan for my day.

So and so the question to you is,

Is there an area?

You're such a flexible person.

No,

Of course there is.

I'm much better with it,

But I've talked to at least about just the exercising six days a week like that.

But I don't know,

It's a hard one because I guard that time the way I do because it feeds me so much and it's really the only time that I have just,

That's just my time.

And I feel different on the day that I don't do it if we're traveling and whatever I can't do it the way that I normally do.

So I'm not sure that I want to let go of that one.

It's not about letting go,

It's about being flexible.

I'm much better.

Flexible doesn't mean you're not going to do it.

But if something happens.

Not just that,

I would decide not to go like on a vacation or something if I like,

You know,

I'm much,

Much better with it.

I would say also sometimes my thoughts,

I don't know if that's rigidity though,

My thoughts can be hard like stone.

Like I can't even.

About certain things in the future I think about or about.

So yeah,

I mean I would like that to be,

You know,

Because that's just part of my personality.

I'm very headstrong and so sometimes like some thoughts that don't serve me.

Rigid thinking I think,

Yes.

So I do want to talk about something.

I love this concept.

It's post-traumatic stress which again is a reason that you need to become resilient because that has no business in anybody's life.

That wreaks havoc in so many ways versus something called post-traumatic growth and I've been studying about this for many years.

That really inspired me as well to become resilient when I discovered this but I think a lot of people aren't that familiar with this.

So it's a phenomenon known that,

It's a phenomenon that was discovered in the 90s by psychologists Richard Tedeschi and Lawrence Calhoun and they coined this frame after conducting numerous surveys on hundreds of patients who had survived severe injuries or loss.

Instead of feelings of depression,

Anxiety and stress,

Each patient displayed remarkable effects of renewed appreciation for their lives,

A stronger connection to their spirituality and an overall inner strength.

I have the gooseies again because I just,

I love this idea too.

Post-traumatic growth refers to the positive psychological change experienced as a result of the struggle with highly changing,

Sorry,

With highly challenging life circumstances.

Simply put,

It's the exact opposite of post-traumatic stress.

This effect can be seen in lives of some of the most influential and successful people.

So many of these people overcame extremely traumatic,

Sometimes life-threatening experiences only to go on to do incredible things.

So I do want to speak about one person to start.

I was going to ask,

So what does the study show?

What differentiated one group to the other?

I will,

I'll give you the example and then I'll unpack it.

So Maya Angelou,

I think many know her story but some don't.

She's one of the greatest poets,

Orators and teachers the world has ever seen.

Her body of work spans a lifetime.

Her teachings have helped inspire love and growth in people every day.

Now at age seven,

Maya was raped.

A few days after sharing the event with a family member,

She found out that the man was beaten to death.

In her seven-year-old mind,

She believed her words killed him and in believing her words to be weapons,

She didn't speak for five years.

During this time,

She read book after book,

Falling more and more in love with poetry.

When she finally spoke again,

It was because she wanted to be able to share poems.

Learning her words were the very opposite of hurtful.

Maya Angelou is a shining example of resilience.

So resilience isn't necessarily something we're all born with,

But it's something we can learn.

And I'll give you one more example,

Then I'm going to tell you really what shifted for them.

I don't think most people think they can actually get to the place that this woman did.

In 2006,

Her name's Karina Holokim.

She's a daredevil skier and base jumper.

She almost died.

Her parachute malfunctioned during what should have been a very ordinary jump,

And she plummeted to earth,

Severely breaking both legs.

Her right leg experienced 21 open fractures,

While her left leg was shattered into four pieces.

Doctors told her that she'd never walk again.

Now imagine somebody at that level of activity and athleticism,

Like that's her life,

To go from that to this reality.

Prior to her accident,

She lived to push the envelope and was fearless in her pursuit of adventure.

Understandably,

She felt her life and her identity were destroyed.

In addition to 14 surgeries over four months,

She was plagued by infections,

One so bad in fact it caused a wound to burst.

At one point,

Doctors considered amputation.

A wad of grass and gravel were discovered deep in her leg tissue.

Don't make me laugh because I know you get really grossed out by this,

But I want you to have all the specifics because what she overcame is huge.

They discovered,

And I'll say it again,

Deep in her leg tissue and immediately removed it.

She had never had another infection after that.

So after she was released from the hospital four months after that fateful day,

She was admitted to an inpatient rehabilitation facility to start the next stage of her healing process.

Surrounded by amputees,

Paraplegics,

And quadriplegics,

The stark reality of her future,

Karina sank into a deep depression.

She was suffering a classic case of post-traumatic stress.

These are the severe psychological and physical afflictions that can occur after a trauma.

Over the next few weeks,

Karina became more despondent,

Lost,

And frustrated.

She wasn't responding to any treatments.

That all changed one day when one physical therapist handed her a pair of boxing gloves and told her to start punching.

And she did.

She hit the therapist with all the might she could muster.

Karina had finally found a way to use her body and that gave her hope.

Karina made a choice after that day that would change her life forever.

She threw herself into her rehabilitation,

A process which was arduous and excruciating.

It took Karina one year before she'd make her first attempt to walk again.

So her growth didn't occur as a direct result of the trauma,

But rather her struggle with her new reality in the aftermath of trauma.

This was the crucial shift that occurred and made her reevaluate her whole life and herself.

So it was a choice that she made.

It was understanding that she wasn't defined by all the things that she thought she was.

In fact,

Leaning into this,

Right,

And really owning it and taking ownership and deciding what she wanted to become next is where the growth took place.

Beautiful.

And then she walked?

Yeah,

No,

She's a motivational speaker.

She's gone around the world speaking about this.

And in fact,

She said that she wouldn't change a thing that had happened to her.

Wow.

Crazy.

Crazy.

Beautiful.

And she didn't read the history of great spiritual giants throughout history.

And not one of them ever became a true great leader or a spiritual teacher without having gone through tremendous challenges and overcame them and built,

Of course,

Resiliency.

And so one story is about my father,

From whom I learned so much of what I know today.

He had a teacher,

His first and really only main teacher in spirituality in Cabala.

His name was Ralph Brandwein.

And he started studying with him in 1962.

And I've shared a part of the story before.

He studied with his teacher for seven years.

In 1969,

His teacher passed away.

And my father was,

You know,

One could say in love.

He had never felt as much love to anybody as he felt to his teacher.

But more importantly,

He felt completely dependent on him.

He was his life.

The wisdom was his life.

And he tells the story,

My father would tell the story that in 1969,

When his teacher passed away,

He was in a very dark place.

Because he had hoped to continue learning with his teacher for many years.

He didn't know what to do.

He really didn't know what to do.

And of course,

In that moment,

He had a choice.

He could,

He had his life before he met his teacher was in business.

And it was changing as he was with his teacher.

He could have sort of given up on the spiritual path.

His teacher is now dead.

What is he going to do?

Go back to life as he knew it before.

And that was one option.

The other option was to go through the pain and find purpose.

And the purpose that he found,

Of course,

Was in taking his teacher's teachings and that lineage of teaching and bringing it to the world,

Which is what he did.

But I always think about that inflection point.

Had he not persevered with resilience in that moment,

In those months,

In those years,

Which for him,

As he would tell it,

Times of great darkness and despair,

I wouldn't be sitting here,

You wouldn't be sitting here.

The listeners of this podcast wouldn't be listening to this.

The millions of people all over the world that he was able to then disseminate great wisdom to would never have received it.

I mean,

You think about life in that way.

There are always going to be those inflection points for all of us.

And they either lead us to a path of despair,

Lack of resilience,

More importantly,

Really not fulfilling our soul's purpose,

Whether it's to teach or help one other person,

10 other people or 1000 other people or a million other people.

Without resilience,

Those moments are lost.

And one reverts back to a place that does not allow the full potential of their soul's purpose in this world.

Well,

It goes back to the place before the opportunity because that's what the challenge was all along.

It's getting darker and lower.

And I think… Because then you're stuck in regret and what should have been.

Exactly,

Exactly.

So for me,

My father's story and many more like that because literally you cannot think of a great leader,

Spiritual giant who did not have that moment or moments of despair and only by having the resilience through those moments did the rest of the world benefit from their light and wisdom.

And for every single one of us,

For every single one of us,

Whether they're great challenges or smaller challenges,

Unless we are building resilience through them,

We are both going to be stealing from ourselves our potential but more importantly,

Stealing from the world what we could be.

Well,

As the Kabbalists have taught that before any great light,

Successful transformation or miracle can be revealed,

An awakening of great doubt will proceed it.

The Kabbalists teach that this aspect of inspiration,

Certainty and transformation come directly from the place of doubt,

Stumbling,

Struggling and falling.

Our greatest light is revealed to us after the darkest of places,

Always.

Absolutely.

And he actually says,

One of the beautiful teachings,

He says,

One cannot grow without failure.

And that's the understanding.

So Monica,

I have a question for you.

What do you think has been a key factor in your resilience?

And do you think it was more inherent?

You were just born that way.

Or do you think that your resiliency is in large part due to life quakes and challenges you've overcome?

And I have an opinion,

But I want to know what you think.

I'm curious to see if you think you're right.

I think… I think we always think we're right.

I think that it was inherent in me,

But I think for sure without a doubt,

It was developed through hardship and choice in my spiritual practice to choose to see that.

I think that even though by nature,

I think I am resilient,

I am.

I think that unless you continue to practice that,

If I didn't choose as an adult,

I probably would have lost that ability anyway.

And I just want to share what I wrote about Josh,

Because I think that it's such a great example of post-traumatic growth also.

Add to what you said,

Which is that whatever level of resilience that I am at,

That you are at right now,

That any one of our listeners,

Even if it has been developed,

You have to understand that… I have to understand that tomorrow it should grow.

It needs to grow.

Next month it needs to grow.

Resilience,

Even if you have it,

Is something you should be focused on growing.

You can lose it.

Well,

You can either lose it or be stagnant with it.

Right.

Now,

We've talked about how we felt when we first discovered Josh's diagnosis,

But what happened to me after the post-traumatic stress was for a while my mind was in a mental loop of when is the other shoe going to drop?

What's going to happen next?

When will lightning strike again?

And to prove my point,

Because I was saying something's going to happen again,

It didn't help that I got pregnant three months later and I was in this narrative in my mind.

So I Googled it to prove my point that somebody had gotten struck by lightning more than once.

I didn't expect to find the number to be seven.

I think it's 13 now,

By the way.

13 people struck twice.

One person struck 13 times.

Okay,

That was my point.

Oh,

One person struck.

And that it can happen to many people,

But that I could suffer something again.

That was where I was stuck.

And then you're like,

No,

No.

And then of course I was right there and then you didn't really have an answer.

But to stay in that loop wasn't helpful for sure and I couldn't stay there.

So I was unaware of this at the time,

But it was easier for me to obsess about theological fears and to be paralyzed by thoughts of things that would never happen than it was to focus on my real fear at the time of who will my son Josh become?

What will life be like for him?

How will he evolve?

Will I ever love him like my other child?

The truth is I don't know what I didn't know at the time who I would become or how I would evolve or how much my heart was capable of loving.

So I stopped asking the questions,

Which I could never possibly answer.

In the initial months,

Right?

So that was right at the beginning.

But in the initial months that followed,

I went through so many different stages of grief and ultimately acceptance.

And for a while,

I was just really worried about life in general.

Do you remember?

I can get like that sometimes.

About how anything can happen at any moment.

And I finally got to a place where I didn't believe that it was a punishment.

I didn't believe that I deserved bad.

I saw him as a blessing and as a gift.

And therefore,

And this is where the shift from growth,

Traumatic stress,

Growth,

Traumatic growth actually occurs.

It's in this shift of thought.

So because I didn't believe that I was deserving of something bad,

I was able to see him as the blessing he was.

And then my reality followed that idea.

If I had perceived it as a judgment or as something I deserved or brought into that belief that I'm bad and that's why this happened,

Because this is what happens to bad people,

I wouldn't be where I am today.

And I remember turning to you one day and I said,

This shouldn't be happening to us.

We live a conscious life.

We're good people.

And you turned to me and said,

What does this have to do with anything?

Does that sound like you might go?

That sounds like something I would say,

Yes.

And that moment I became aware of the faulty core belief.

I knew that leading a spiritual life meant nothing bad would ever happen.

But at that moment I discovered that I had to relearn everything I thought I already understood,

Especially about spirituality.

Everything that I always tried to be strong about,

Gathering strength in my ability to not need anyone,

That when push came to shove,

I could do things on my own.

I came to realize that that was just my ego.

It was a defense mechanism that I created in my childhood.

I began to recognize what my real purpose was and I committed myself to fulfilling it.

So again,

That was the shift that occurred from being a victim of circumstance to really fulfilling my destiny,

To growing from any obstacle,

Especially one that I felt was something I couldn't overcome or that I could never feel great about.

I could be okay with it,

But would I really thrive as a mother to Josh?

In essence,

I had to change my core beliefs.

I had to redefine what I thought it meant to be the mother of a special needs child.

I had to change my belief that this was somehow my fault and erase the guilt I had surrounding Josh's diagnosis.

Once you change limiting core beliefs,

It's like the world opens up for you.

My feelings of gratitude and appreciation were so powerful.

This experience and my response to it was completely transformational.

This goes back to the Kabbalistic idea we're talking about that it's believed and taught that bad things are opportunities for amazing growth.

What we perceive as bad is really a gift cloaked in a highly unflattering disguise.

Challenges if we choose to see it this way can help us grow,

Make us stronger and wiser,

And essentially become better for it.

So I think again,

And the same thing with Karina.

Like I said,

She's a published author,

A motivational speaker.

She's more thoughtful,

She says.

She's more responsible with her friends,

More responsible as a daughter.

She can walk again.

And she's thankful for this accident because she wouldn't be who she is today had she not gone through it.

I think that's such an important point.

Only two things can happen after a challenge.

You get stuck in it or you grow from it.

You get stuck in it and then that defines you,

Right?

You become a very different person.

I mean that's the thing I want to just,

I'm sorry to interrupt you.

It's not just like it happened and you stay stuck there.

You become a different version of yourself and it's not going to be a positive one.

Right,

A worse version.

Because when you see it as the opportunity,

You will become a more positive.

You're not staying.

You're never going to be the same.

You will be changed by what has happened.

No question.

Absolutely a fact.

The only thing,

The only choice you have,

Because you can't control what's going to happen,

You can't change it.

The only choice you have is what you become,

How you change,

What you turn into.

Because that part,

That's happening.

And what a shame it is.

What a waste.

What a waste when we get stuck.

And I think maybe that's the most powerful message for our listeners from today's podcast.

Do everything you can to build resilience so that the small and great challenges make you greater rather than less than what you were before them.

I know I've got a lot to say on this.

I'm really inspired by this topic.

But I do want to give a daily challenge to our listeners.

There are four laws of resilience as I'm going to offer and it's really an exercise to do.

Because by the way,

Everybody doesn't have to experience something awful in order to reap desired results.

There's a researcher,

Her name's Jane McGonigal.

And she is the co-founder and inventor of Super Better.

And she did extensive research on this matter while she was developing this app.

It was a game app.

And she discovered that we can have similar results to post-traumatic growth without the trauma by building up our resilience.

Much like going to the gym on a daily basis to build up muscle,

You can build your resilience with daily challenges.

So here's four.

I think that's super inspiring.

Because I don't want it to be like,

Oh my God.

Bad things don't have to happen for you to become resilient.

So the first is there's always a choice.

If the direction you're going in isn't working,

Pick another path.

The example I gave of the ballerina earlier.

If that's no longer an option,

Of course it's devastating.

Of course there's going to be pain around that.

But you have the ability to choose something else.

Realize that every challenge is an opportunity,

Not a punishment.

And you get to choose how you view your life and the events in your life.

Be flexible.

Flexibility is the ability to flow with changes and unexpected events.

The more open we are to our life's process,

The more certainty we have in the creator,

The more open we are with all that life has to offer.

Three,

Set new goals.

Some life events are life changing.

Some are forced by situations to drastically change our day to day life.

It's important to set new goals for yourself.

And four,

And we didn't say this yet,

Be grateful.

Gratitude is the doorway to abundance in all things.

Be grateful for all the things in your life.

Opportunities,

Resources,

Relationships,

And support is a daily practice that will bring blessings and peace regardless of whatever else is going on in your life.

It shifts your awareness instantly from lack to abundance.

And you know,

Don't ruminate over things because thinking about why something happened to you is never going to unmake it happen.

So as always,

We hope you enjoyed listening to this podcast as much as we enjoyed recording it and you're inspired.

And we enjoyed it.

Boy,

Did we enjoy it.

Please make sure to share this podcast with everybody you know.

Go to Apple Podcasts,

Write five star reviews anywhere you get your podcast.

Write reviews and share it and inspire others to be resilient and spiritually hungry.

By the way,

When you write to us and you tell like,

We got somebody sent us a book with a handwritten note,

Which I love handwritten cards.

And they're like,

You know,

I listen to you in the car when I'm doing the laundry.

And I love hearing where we go with people.

It's really fun for me.

So we do read everything you write to us and it inspires us to keep doing what we do.

Absolutely.

We hope that you send your questions,

Comments,

Stories,

Inspirations to Monica and Michael at Kabbalah.

Com.

We will read all of them.

We will share some of them with our listeners and they do inspire us both the topics and to continue to record spiritual podcast.

So again,

All questions,

Comments,

Stories,

Inspirations to Monica and Michael at Kabbalah.

Com.

We hope you enjoyed listening to this podcast as much as we very much enjoyed recording very much.

Stay spiritually hungry.

Reviews

Michael and Monica I enjoyed this tremendously. Resilience is what I was missing eith my current health challenge. Thank you so much for your podcast. I listen to you while driving to my adventures...this AM was is search of hot air balloons to photograph. I didn't find the balloons but grew from your podcast, thanks again.

Great content, as always!!! Thank you.