102. Speed Bumps: How To Move Through Life With Objectivity

Every single one of us experiences challenging moments or times when the spotlight is on us. These times can amplify the drama of our experience. Yet the truth is, almost nothing in life is a catastrophe. And most of the time, everyone else is busy with their own lives and their own drama. In this mini episode of Spiritually Hungry, Monica and Michael Berg discuss how to practice objectivity in light of life’s speed bumps.

Transcript

So today something's gonna happen and it's going to disappoint you.

Today something's gonna happen,

You're gonna think people are,

Everybody's gonna be noticing or thinking about it.

Stop and say,

Okay,

This might be an issue.

This might be something I need to deal with,

Which is not the end of the world.

This might be something that people will notice,

Maybe something will talk about it.

The whole world's not talking about it.

Most of the world just doesn't care.

And if you practice this,

You will find that you go through life lighter.

Welcome to the Spiritually Hungry Podcast,

Episode 102,

Summer Series.

Very exciting.

We hope you're enjoying your summer and hope that these moments of inspiration add to your both enjoyment and spiritual uplift in this summer.

And I wanted to share an idea Monica and I were talking about before,

Which I think I personally find very inspiring and I hope that our listeners will as well.

And it's really based on two stories.

One of that happened to us as a family and another that happened recently with a student.

Look at Michael getting personal.

If only,

If only.

So a few weeks ago we had this gathering,

A men's gathering and everybody was sharing.

At the end of the men's gathering,

Somebody who I'd met only once or twice before,

Didn't know him very well,

Came up to me and he was sharing me as all people often do.

And I really enjoy his life story.

And I don't want to go into too much detail because some of you might know who he is.

He's a relatively public figure who something happened and he had,

We'll call it a scandal,

Call it trouble.

And he lost his position.

Right?

So he was somebody who had a great position in a company and then something happened and he lost it.

And he was telling me,

And again,

I had not heard about his story until he told me about it.

Yes,

It was in the papers and things like that,

But it's not something I had never heard of.

And as he was telling me,

He says,

You know,

And this is like two or three months after,

Maybe even more,

Maybe four or five months after the whole episode.

And he,

And I understand his challenge now,

Career wise,

Of course it creates a tremendous amount of challenges for him.

But the,

And then I understood and he was sharing that.

But the one thing that did stand out to me as being,

I don't want to use the word silly,

But maybe that's the right word.

He was saying,

You know,

Every room that I walk into now,

I'm sure that everybody's looking at me and they're talking about this scandal,

This dramatic thing that happened to me.

And I said to him,

I said,

First of all,

The truth is I didn't know your story.

And I promise you,

And he was talking about the room we were sitting in with the group of men who were studying and sharing their spiritual both ups and downs.

I said,

I promise you,

Nobody in this room looked at you.

I said,

I don't want to hurt your feelings.

I'm sure most of them don't even know who you are.

And I'm sure they don't know about the story.

He said,

And for me,

And this is the word that I think is really the catchphrase that I want our listeners to leave this podcast with is nobody cares.

And for him,

It was a revelation.

For me,

It was obviously true.

It's possible by the way,

In his life,

He maybe walks into other rooms and there are people who actually,

But that's true of all of us,

Right?

But that idea,

Which I think is going to such a pitfall and one that causes so much distress and stress for people,

Oh my God,

What is everybody thinking or saying about me?

99% of the time,

Nobody cares.

Everybody is so busy with their own challenges,

With their own lives,

With their own drama.

Nobody cares.

Well,

It's also that people,

Especially if you are having an insecurity about something,

Whether let's say,

Somebody's put on weight or it's usually something physical even,

But anything that's glaring as we see it,

Right?

Maybe our skin's broken out or whatever the place of insecurity is.

We think that there's a spotlight on us and everybody's saying that when in fact,

In truth,

People are shining their own light on their own insecurity that they're having at that moment and we don't realize that.

We think it's just all eyes on us.

Right,

Right.

I think that's an important point.

Even in situations where there's obvious things happening,

What our mind is telling us is,

Oh my God,

Everybody's thinking about it.

Everybody's focused.

If anybody is knowledgeable,

Noticed,

It's maybe 1% out of the 100% that we do in our mind.

That thought comes and goes.

It's not like people are ruminating about you over and over throughout your day.

But again,

I think that so much of our unhappiness and distress in life comes from that thought,

Oh my God,

Everybody's thinking,

Everybody's saying.

And it led me to another idea and this is something that we actually experienced together.

This goes back probably 10 years,

About 10 years when we were moving to New York.

We have four kids and we had to obviously find placement for each one of them in different schools.

For our oldest daughter,

Miriam,

There was a school we wanted her to go to.

We flew to New York from Los Angeles from where we were moving and she interviewed in the school.

We thought it went well.

Then we get a call from the school saying,

Just so you know,

The interview went great.

But for her grade,

I think it was third or fourth grade at the time,

The grade is full.

And there's actually a waiting list of between five to 10 people,

Kids already on the waiting list.

So the chances of you getting in are obviously not that high.

So in that moment,

It was quite a blow to our plans because that was basically the only school we were happy for Miriam to go to at the time.

And in our mind,

Now,

If she doesn't get into this school,

Then our whole plan of moving to New York is not going to work out.

So I remember we went to lunch,

If you remember this,

And we were,

I don't know if there was stress,

But I would say slightly disappointed,

If not greatly disappointed,

Like,

Oh my God,

What's going to be with our plans?

I don't really have a strong recollection of any of this.

It must have been more than me,

Which I like.

So we're sitting there and then suddenly the thought comes to me,

Which is what I tried to do.

When something is challenging me,

I try to think about it from different perspectives.

And this might sound silly,

But I said,

There's about 8 billion people in this world.

Out of those 8 billion people,

How many people care that their child is or is not being accepted to this school?

You're talking about not even 0.

0000000001% of the world's population.

Most of the world doesn't care about this.

So I said to myself,

How silly would it be that on something that most of the world doesn't care about,

Is something that's going to stress me out or going to disappoint me.

Well,

That's kind of an interesting thought though,

Because that's not,

I mean,

You cared about it because you cared about where your daughter would go.

And it doesn't matter what anybody else,

Other people caring about the same thing,

Does it make your care more relevant or not?

It does because there are things that are objectively an issue,

Right?

If a person finds out that he or she has a health issue,

Everybody in the world would be upset about that,

Right?

So there are certain things that are objectively.

.

.

So you're saying to be flexible about.

.

.

No,

No,

I think it's important to have objectivity on whatever issues are bothering us,

Right?

A person wants a promotion,

Right?

Or he wants a job at this company or he wants this person to be his or her girlfriend or boyfriend.

Where we all fixate on the things that we want.

I think it's important to have objectivity in what is objectively important in life and what is not.

So for example.

.

.

Okay,

I agree with you.

I just want to.

.

.

So let's say you want a relation with this person and he or she rejected you.

Out of the 8 billion people in the world,

This one person rejected you objectively.

That is not a big deal,

Right?

It is a 0.

0000000001% of a problem,

Right?

So that's my point is that I think both from the first story and the second story,

The point is that we have to.

.

.

I find it very helpful to objectively look at the things that are bothering us.

And whether you're looking at the percentage of the world that would be bothered by it,

Whether you're looking at the perspective of history,

10 years from now there's something that's going to bother me,

Nobody cares.

I think it's the most important thought.

Again,

How many people do we know that are either rejected by a person and then suddenly their world is collapsing around them?

When in reality,

One person out of 8 billion people doesn't like you,

That is objectively not a problem.

Nobody cares.

I just feel like you're.

.

.

I agree with what you're saying,

But I feel like they're almost two different things.

The first is not everybody's consumed by what you're going through or don't care what people are thinking.

The other is be objective about what's happening so not everything's a big deal.

They're kind of two different.

.

.

Right,

Right.

They're two related things.

Absolutely.

One of them is that.

.

.

Now you're doing this like a bait and switcher.

I don't know one thing or the other.

Objectivity I agree with.

I also agree you shouldn't care what people think,

But I don't see how.

.

.

I think we're human and there's certain things that are going to bother you and it's okay to be bothered.

You should be disappointed if your daughter's not getting into school and there's no other viable options.

Is it the end of the world that you'll be upset forever or for.

.

.

There will be a solution and yes,

Have objectivity so it's not the biggest deal,

But it's okay to have a reaction to that in the moment.

Yeah.

I'm not saying it's not okay to have a reaction.

That's what it sounded like.

Oh,

So let me correct that misunderstanding.

What I'm saying is that we usually lose perspective.

We lose perspective when we're going through something and oh my God,

The whole world is talking about me.

Not true.

Nobody cares or most people don't care.

Second,

When something happens,

Even if you're right to be disappointed by it,

In the true perspective of life,

Of history,

Of reality,

It's a tiny speed bump.

It is not the end of the world.

That's both the relation between these two ideas.

And I know.

.

.

That's a much clearer way to explain it.

Thank you.

Thank you.

You approve?

I do.

Keep going.

What do you know?

That many,

Many,

Many people,

And I'm sure many of our listeners find themselves either in the first or the second situation,

Something either is happening,

They think everybody's talking about them or everybody's,

Like you said,

Everybody notices my pimple.

I would say it like that.

I know.

That's the shorthand.

You're trying to make his tongue extra trivial is what you're doing here.

Because it is.

Yes.

All right.

But again,

And the second one is that this thing that happened that disappointed me objectively is not a big deal.

Right.

But I'm just saying you can still have feelings run.

Of course.

The person that gets a pimple at 40 and they're about to go on TV and they had acne when they were a teenager,

That pimple might bother them more than it would bother you.

So yes,

You should have perspective and you need objectivity.

I'm saying there is something in the middle where you allow yourself to feel what you're feeling,

Have your feelings run,

And then choose a higher perspective.

I needed to say that because everybody's can be like,

Oh,

That's just so.

.

.

Yeah.

It's not that automatic until you practice it.

Absolutely.

And what I'm saying is practice it because it is the way out of so much of our pain in life.

Yes.

Right?

I think,

Again,

And by the way,

Using my first example with this person I was talking to,

It really shifted his view on his own life.

By the way,

He still has challenges.

He still has to figure out what he's going to do with his career.

It doesn't make everything go away,

But it just brings down the world falling around apart me meter from 100 down to 20 or 30.

So I don't think we're disagreeing.

Yes,

Of course,

There are things that are important to manage,

Things that are a big deal,

Things that are small deals.

Almost nothing is a catastrophe,

But most people find themselves in the state of,

Oh,

My God,

This is a catastrophe,

When in reality either nobody cares or it's not a big deal.

That's the point.

And again,

I know that this works for me.

So don't make a mountain out of a molehill or out of a pimple.

Or the word that I would use is nobody cares.

Nobody cares.

And again,

I can tell you this from personal experience,

That using this consistently.

So I would ask every one of our listeners,

When you have next time,

This could be,

By the way,

Every one of us has at least one of these a day,

Right?

Try using this thought process.

Either nobody cares.

So again,

This person rejected me or I didn't get that job offer.

I mean,

We often have this even with our kids,

Right?

They're pushing for something,

It doesn't happen.

Oh,

My God,

This is the end of career.

This is the end of.

.

.

It's almost not almost,

It's never the case.

And again,

Like so much of true consciousness,

This is not something that will come naturally to any one of us.

This is something that needs to be used,

Practiced consistently.

So today something is going to happen and it's going to disappoint you.

Today something's going to happen,

You're going to think people are,

Everybody's going to be noticing or thinking about it.

Stop and say,

Okay,

This might be an issue.

This might be something I need to deal with.

It is not the end of the world.

This might be something that people will notice.

Maybe something will talk about it.

The whole world is not talking about it.

Most of the world just doesn't care.

And if you practice this,

You will find that you go through life lighter,

That there are less things.

Again,

You deal with whatever you need to deal with.

It doesn't mean you don't allow yourself to have emotions around certain things,

But then you put it in the proper perspective and you don't see most things as the world is falling down around you.

And really by adopting this mentality,

Then you're able to move more quickly through the speed bumps,

As you said,

Along the way.

Absolutely.

And I would say of the spiritual practices,

I personally have found this to be one of the most powerful ones for me because we all face challenges in life.

And especially if you're doing big things,

There are consistent challenges,

But putting everything in a perspective of either not a big deal,

Nobody cares,

Helps tremendously to allow you to,

Again,

Not to take yourself too seriously in the wrong kinds of ways.

It's like,

Okay,

So that happened next.

That's kind of my mantra.

Yours is nobody cares.

You think it's too stark?

I mean,

It just doesn't leave room for a process,

But I think I've unpacked that for our listeners.

It works for me.

It works for me.

And it worked,

And by the way,

It worked for this friend of ours that I was talking to as well.

There you go.

Yes.

You want to share a situation in your life where situations seemed either overwhelming or big,

And then either nobody cares or at least you were able to put it in its proper perspective.

You know,

That's kind of,

Yeah,

I really,

Really try to practice not even giving any consideration to what anybody thinks about what I'm doing or how I'm doing it.

Oh my heavens,

You're even more extreme than nobody cares.

And I couldn't care less when anybody cares is what you're saying.

That's the goal.

And I think it was just for years of caring way too much.

And I think I've just spent that all up in this lifetime.

I mean,

Of course,

If it's something like really public and I mean,

I'm sure there would be a sting or an embarrassment or humiliation and I'm not like looking for to be challenged that way or for failure.

But I think like,

Yeah,

I just,

I really can't be busy with any of that because it's just too distracting and it takes me off the path.

So yeah,

I've practiced that for a good,

Like consistently for a good five years,

But I think it started 20 years ago.

Nice.

So we're doing our listeners three mantras they can choose.

Yes.

Right.

Either it's not a big deal,

Nobody cares,

Or I couldn't care less what anybody thinks.

Well,

What about,

Oh,

Well,

So that happened,

I guess that's the first one.

Or that's the fourth.

That's in the wrong order,

But yeah.

So I hope again,

During the summer,

As our listeners are more interacting with friends and family,

Hopefully you're able to practice this shift of perspective about the challenges that enter your life,

The disappointments that occur again,

Like Monica said,

Okay,

That happened.

You can allow yourself to have an emotion around it,

But put it in proper perspective,

Which either leads to it's not a big deal.

Nobody cares or I couldn't care less what anybody thinks.

Stay spiritually hungry.

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