The Gift of Saying "No"

Learning to say no can be easier when we recognise the gift we are giving to another, as well as ourselves. Recognise how much conditioning we had around "no".

Transcript

The gift of saying no.

How many times did you hear the word no as you were growing up?

Every day your caregivers would say no in various degrees of politeness and loudness.

As a child it simply puzzled you why you could not have what you wanted.

And so began the journey of conditioning,

Of expectation,

Of manners.

We began to associate the word no in a negative context.

The dismay and upset of not receiving instant gratification became more profound once we were walking and talking.

By the time we were eight,

The emotional attachment to the word no had already been formed,

And in our little person's mind it felt like a punishment.

A word you heard when you weren't good enough to deserve something in that moment.

Once our rebellious streak really kicked in,

It felt great to tell parents no in response to their request.

Except we couldn't understand why it was okay for them to say no and not us.

It then served as a double punishment,

Only grown-ups were allowed to say no.

Thus further confusion about what the word meant arose to add to the puzzle of figuring this life out.

As we grew up and started creating responsibilities of our own,

We often chose the word yes as a response.

We didn't want to upset the other person in the way that others,

Who loved you the most,

Had upset you.

We didn't want to feel we were missing out,

So we said yes.

We longed to be accepted and included,

So we said yes.

We wanted to be liked,

So we said yes.

Time and time again,

And yet sometimes,

The yes simply didn't serve us.

What about all the times when no was not respected,

And someone else trampled over your boundaries and wishes,

Leaving you crumpled in a corner,

Trying to work out why your voice was not acknowledged?

It didn't feel safe to say no,

Either,

As levels of trust,

Respect,

And friendship and relationships plummeted.

It's easy to see how much confusion comes from the word yes and no.

As an adult,

It feels safe a bit to say yes.

We feel we are being useful,

In service to others,

When we say yes.

We don't want to let them down.

You make their life easier,

And perhaps we are liked more because we said yes.

It's called people pleasing.

There's another part of our conditioning where we are told to do our best.

When we do it enough,

We are left feeling exhausted and drained,

Wondering who's going to do something for us one day,

Or acknowledge how we feel.

Surely there has to be an easier way of sharing your love and duty to another.

As we start to awaken,

And we begin to realise that it's okay to say no and mean it.

However,

The inner critic in our mind starts the conversation then about being selfish,

And lazy,

And self-centred,

And so begins a new cycle of guilt and even overcompensating by offering to do even more.

So when we face confusion about a situation or thought process,

Become the observer and see how we can turn it around for the highest good of all.

What if we could find the gift in saying no?

Would you feel into the sense of empowerment that it's okay to put your needs first in a loving and compassionate manner?

This will be far easier to receive when we can appreciate the word no actually serves the other person in a far greater manner than the mind may perceive.

What if you could allow them to take responsibilities for themselves in that moment?

To find a different solution,

Bringing forward creativity in different ways of thinking.

Every time you say yes to someone,

You deny them the opportunity to step up and create a different outcome,

One that might be even more beneficial for all concerned.

You would show to them it's okay to say no,

So in turn they felt more empowered to say no to the next person in the sequence of events.

It gives them a chance to stop and think,

To reprocess rather than assume you will provide the solutions as you always do.

That it's okay to say no and mean it.

When we offer a firm no given with love,

Kindness and compassion,

We give the opportunity to the other to receive in the same manner too.

It might be a shock to them,

This may not be used to coming from this new direction.

How would it feel for you to step up and stick up for what you truly want,

To end feeling like a doormat?

This gives you a chance to create other solutions,

Ones that you can offer forward allowing more of your ingenuity to emerge.

So could your mind conceive the gift of saying no from now on?

Think of a situation that occurs frequently when you are expected to say yes.

Underneath the surface you can feel the resentment bubbling,

Fed up with not feeling safe to say no,

Feel will be less loved if you say no.

Perhaps it is saying yes to being the babysitter of your nieces or grandkids.

Perhaps it is saying yes to your boss who just keeps dumping more work on you.

Whatever the situation is,

Get into the feeling space right now of when they ask you or rather tell you this is what's happening.

Take a deep breath,

Tune into your own inner power and with all the love you can muster,

Say in your minds eyes if you are practising saying it to them,

Say firmly and kindly,

No that's not ok this time,

How about I help you find someone else or some other way we can get this solved.

You don't even have to justify why you say no,

You don't have to provide excuses and reasons,

It's enough to know it doesn't serve you,

It's not what you really want to do right now.

It gives you the gift of empowerment and provides someone else the occasion to step up and help.

Perhaps the next door neighbour would love the opportunity to look after children for a while.

Perhaps there are some new interns at work who would love the chance to step up and learn new skills.

Whenever we choose to spend time not doing what we love and playing to our strengths,

We are denying another the gift to do just that.

Would your mind find it easier to say no when you realise what you could be offering another,

Something that they would really like to do?

You may wish to evaluate all the times you wished you had said no,

How much you would like to be free of the resentment and feeling of being walked over.

Own your feelings and make a different choice that serves you and them and whoever else may benefit simply by you saying no.

It's time to give yourself the gift of knowing it's okay to say no,

To release your childhood emotions that you don't want to hurt another in the way that your caregivers hurt you by saying no.

You're an adult now and you have a choice.

Will you stay in the emotional trigger of what happened repeatedly when you were little?

Or is it time to empower yourself and realise the gift in saying no when delivered with love and compassion?

Let others be responsible for their choices and situations in their life or workplace and for them to realise what they have created themselves.

That it's not your job to solve their problem.

By all means help provide an alternative solution.

It doesn't have to be you.

The freedom that comes when you realise it is not your business how others feel or your job to fix them is immense when you really embrace and own your power of choice.

Use this catalyst to open up a new level of conversation with the person.

Explain what's not working for you and how you'd be willing to work with them if they'd like to make alternative arrangements.

Take time to express what it is that you do want.

You have a right to be seen,

Heard and understood too.

It's what we all long for.

Really explain why no means no and it's every right for you to say no.

This new awareness can change so much in your life if you simply embrace the word no with love.

Namaste.

Reviews

First time I have heard the word no & gift in the same sentence. Powerful, transformative, simple invitation. Thank you so much for sharing.

This is perfect! 🙏 Thank you for the advice! I plan to start acting on this immediately 💜

I will keep this in mind. Such a healthier perspective. Thanks!

I will do daily. Namaste

I oftentimes have found it hard to say No to things that I know I can do but it doesn’t really benefit me at the time. Looking at saying No from this perspective is really helpful. I’ll revisit this conversation a few times to set it in my mind.
Thank you for presenting this.
Namaste. 🌱

I struggle very much with anxiety and stomach problems. Ima sophomore in college and am fearful of communicating effectively with others. I’m getting the stomach problem treated during the summer, but I am fearful of making the same mistakes as I have done before. I am on the spectrum and fear messing up socially. My mind cannot focus on scheduling, my relationship, or the good things in my life. I listened to the talk but I cannot help but feel continue to inadequate and beat myself up. I feel like I am playing the victim but I don’t know. I know I have the choice and want to silence bad memories of past social failures but try as I might it hasn’t happened.

Fantastic advice. Insightful practice that I know will help me.

Powerful. Will listen to again.

Wow, this is a hard one for me. A lot of work to do here. I’ll be back many more times for this one. Thank you!

I absolutely loved this talk, it help me to Chanel my negative thoughts into a more positive direction. Thank you

Great talk, I enjoyed it. Mostly things I already know but it's a good reminder and I liked the framing of "no" as a gift.

Empowering! Thank you for a new way of looking at and age old word! 🌻

Excellent. Empowering. Nice to know that saying no can offer others a chance to solve their own problems!

Sometimes all someone needs is permission. Thank you. Namaste💞

Not a meditation, but it explains the concept in a way that makes sense and allows you to practice it.

Very important to remember this. Thank you. Great message. Namaste 🙏

All the basics on the power of saying no

I really loved this meditation message. Thank you 🙏🏻

Great reminder of the power and gift of No