Why am I afraid of my own doorway?
I have found myself existing in the air of the present moment,
But unable to rest on the ground of it.
I am going through my days in a cloud or a warm misty tunnel.
And I am not unhappy.
I feel peaceful here for the most part,
But it feels like a waste or some kind of trap in the addiction of rest.
I know that my body requires and deserves this time of rest,
But I cannot help from feeling lazy and selfish for taking this time for myself.
A lot of this,
I suppose,
Ties back to nowness and living presently.
I have a hard time distinguishing from being present and from obsessing over the present moment and the specifics of it all,
Because sometimes I wind up so present that I fear life.
I become engulfed in the present moment,
Which has become overtaken by fear and why my mind wanders so deep into the specifics of the moment that I become anxious and lose my footing in the present moment.
So perhaps this cloud-like existence is a safety net for me,
A place where I cannot fall or slip,
And I need not worry about these things either,
Because I am detached from the moment itself while still allowing myself to be within it.
Why is this so bad?
If for a few hours I am not weighted down,
But lightened by the ease and uncomplicated nature of what I am doing,
Because this is not even a thing I feel like I am actually choosing,
The rest just happens and my body just is.
It is what I need for now.
Is it enough?
Am I doing enough?
Will this be enough?
What is this enough anyway?
What is enough?
If what I'm doing isn't,
Then what is?
And if I truly feel like I am not enough,
Me,
Just being,
Then nothing I do will ever be enough for me.
Nothing will ever fully satisfy or release all of the worry and fear that I hold inside.
I am enough.
I am enough.
I am so enough that I can never not be enough.
I am enough doing nothing,
So I decide to watch TV and lay in my bed all day.
That is enough for me,
And it is enough for the world.
I am doing no harm by resting.
Not to myself and not to others.
Sometimes I think I fear that by not actively engaging emotionally and mentally within other people's lives that I am not contributing and that they will be upset if I am not present with them.
But sometimes I need to just be present with myself.
And I can never be 100% present with myself if I am constantly worrying about being present enough for others.
And being 100% present with myself does not mean that I am isolating myself.
I can be within a large group of people and still be 100% with me.
It just means honoring myself and choosing myself first and removing others' energies from my orbit for just a bit.
Just allowing myself to do and be what I need.
Not what anyone else needs me to be.
And I believe that there is so much love within a human soul that you can be there for others without taking away from being there for yourself.
But that balance I think looks different for everyone.
We are all connected and that is such a gift.
A gift that I can spread kindness towards others and myself.
We are often told that showing kindness towards others is like showing kindness to oneself.
But it goes both ways.
Showing kindness to yourself is showing kindness to others too.
Hating myself is no better than hating others.
It is just as bad.
I am more than enough and I deserve to be shown kindness from myself.
