Why Are You Single? With Rinatta Paries

For many of us, being single is a choice - as we focus on our careers, family, and other relationships. But what happens when we keep trying to cultivate a meaningful romantic relationship but keep coming up against roadblocks. Relationship Coach Rinatta Paries explains why we are having trouble finding a good one (hint: it has nothing to do with looks, age, height, or weight) and guides us through some things we can do to change the dynamic.

Transcript

Today on the show,

I have Renata Parise,

Who is,

She's been a relationship therapist since 2017,

And she has been a relationship coach for over 25 years.

I believe she was actually one of the first people in on coaching before there was actually even a word for it or the cool kids were talking about it.

Renata,

Thank you so much for being on the show.

Sure,

Maria.

Thanks for having me.

So tell me a little bit about that because that's really fascinating.

So you became a relationship coach way back in nine,

No,

What year is it?

95?

Something like that.

I think so.

I think it was 95.

It must have been,

Yeah.

Okay.

Yep.

I was the first relationship coach.

There was no relationship coaches before me.

Oh,

Really?

I was the first one.

It doesn't mean I was like the famous one or I was just the first one.

And it doesn't mean that the people that followed all copied me or anything.

I mean,

They sort of did,

But.

.

.

That's amazing.

So how did you,

Because it's sort of like you kind of,

How did you think to do that then?

How did that become a part of your life?

Well,

So I was in my twenties and I was post college where I went to go be a lawyer and decided not to be a lawyer.

And so I was working at 12 signs,

Which is an astrology reading outfit where people would call in.

You remember those things?

Yeah.

You'd see little scrolls at the grocery stores.

Yeah.

That's the 900 numbers that you saw.

Yeah,

Exactly.

And I did readings for people because I just had no idea.

I had no idea what I was doing.

And what I really wanted to be was a therapist,

But I was young and burned out on college and I just wasn't willing to go back and do that additional two years and then do a master's program.

So I wanted the easy way to be a therapist.

And there is no such thing,

However.

.

.

There's such a thing?

That's not even possible.

You know,

Young adults in their twenties sometimes make,

I think,

Interesting things about the world and make interesting decisions.

So.

.

.

Yeah,

Like I'm the first ever relationship coach.

I think that's a.

.

.

Right.

That's pretty.

.

.

That was not a bad decision.

So there was an article in San Diego Union.

I was in San Diego at the time.

There was an article in San Diego Union about Thomas Leonard,

Who's the father of the coaching profession.

And he was describing how he was traveling all over the country in his like a bus,

In his bus doing coaching.

And he was starting a school called Coach University.

And as I read the article,

It felt like the right thing.

So that I immediately enrolled and was one of the first 700 people to be trained in that school.

Wow.

Before sort of like now there's International Coach Federation and there's certifications and there's all this stuff.

There's sort of a structure.

None of that was in place.

Wow.

But it was the Coach University.

And the reason I specialized in relationships was because that's just where my focus had always been.

It's what I really wanted to know about the most and it's what I talked about the most.

And so it just seemed like a natural thing to do.

You know,

I always have this sense.

I surround myself with a lot of people,

Like my sister's an MFT.

And then I know like a lot of energy workers and healers in my life.

You know,

The one thing that always comes to the surface is like,

Well,

You sort of heal.

You're healing yourself in the process,

Right?

There's like this thing of like healing.

And I think that's sort of what I'm doing with SoulFed too.

And I think that,

You know,

This comes at an interesting time.

Meeting you comes at a really interesting time because I think that for a lot of people who find themselves single right now,

Like right now,

Like dating apps are just blowing up and I'm single.

And I know like,

I'm like,

Like I get on the apps,

But I'm like,

I don't even know how this is even going to happen right now.

But now more than ever,

I feel like there's this need for connectedness,

But I think it starts with you,

Right?

So I want to answer the age old question of why are you single?

Because that's a question people get a lot who are single.

I know I get that question a lot.

I know I ask myself that question a lot.

And yes,

There is a point of definitely like being happy and fulfilled,

Being single.

And,

But I know for me that sometimes that I personally question it as well.

So is it really that there aren't any good men out there or all the good women are taken and married or,

You know,

I'm too fat,

I'm too thin,

My nose is too big,

I'm too old,

I'm too young.

Is it any of those?

What is it?

What does it come down to?

Well,

So when you ask singles why they're single,

It's interesting the answers they come up with,

Right?

Yeah.

The answer is often there are no good men in my area or now with apps,

Right?

There's just no good men.

All the good ones are taken.

Yeah.

So I always wonder how people come up with that because I mean,

That's literally statistically impossible.

So that's not the answer.

That's not it.

So,

Okay.

I'm like on the edge of my seat.

I'm like,

I want to know what's going on.

And then,

You know,

If you're thinking,

Okay,

I'm too fat,

You know,

I'm not perfect,

Men only want to date thin women,

Or women only want to date men who are in shape,

Or men who have hair,

Or only men who are financially really well off,

Or,

You know,

All these different variations.

And then you go out into the world,

Well,

Before quarantine,

Right?

We could go out into the world,

And we could see couples of all sizes and shapes and economic status,

And yet somehow they find each other,

Right?

So that's not really the answer either.

Yeah,

Because,

You know,

Even on the whole looks thing,

We place so much importance as a society on looks,

But I know from my own personal experience,

I've been attracted to men that I would never think of as like,

Physically my type before.

I've been really,

You know,

And it comes down to just them and their energy.

So,

Go on,

I interrupted you.

Please go on.

No,

I want you to because I mean,

That's,

You know,

If you really stop and think about why are you single,

All of these reasons,

Or why anyone is single,

All of these reasons that we give ourselves make no sense.

Like,

They just don't make any logical sense.

Why do you think we come up with those reasons,

Then?

Well,

Because we have to explain this unexplainable experience.

It's an unexplainable experience,

Right?

For people who are single,

What they're doing is they're looking around them,

And they go,

Well,

This person is in a relationship.

How are they in a relationship?

Well,

This person is in a relationship.

Wow,

This couple has been together for 20 years.

Hey,

These people just met each other,

And they're happy.

How is this happening,

And I'm still single?

Right?

So,

They have to go,

There's something about me,

Or there's something about there's just no good men,

Or something,

Right?

There has to be some sort of explanation.

You hear that a lot,

Right?

It's what's wrong with them,

Or what's wrong with me,

Or we direct these.

So,

How do we explain the unexplainable,

Then?

Well,

And I think psychology is starting to point to this,

What I'm about to say.

So,

If you look at the phenomena of people who,

There's actually been research.

I can't quote the studies,

But I know I've read research.

So,

People who have had a car accident are more likely to have another car accident.

People who have been assaulted are more likely to be assaulted.

Also,

On the positive side,

People who,

For example,

Buy one property,

It's probably easier for them to buy another property,

You know,

Or people who are young adults who are in school,

If they get an A,

It's easier to get another A.

So,

We tend to attract,

And that's a very,

Very fairy term,

We tend to bring towards us.

We tend to screen in,

Because our brain can't screen in all the information,

So we tend to screen in what we are already familiar with.

That's the explanation.

So,

You have to look at what is familiar to you in terms of relationship dynamics and relationship experience.

And that's what you are screening in.

Your unconscious does it for you,

Because the way we survive as human beings is we screen in what's familiar,

Even if it's not comfortable,

Even if it's not making us happy,

Even if it's what we hate,

We still screen in what's familiar.

Why do we do that?

Like,

Is it just,

Yeah.

It's a safety mechanism.

I mean,

Think about,

I mean,

Our brain is really prehistoric.

One,

Our brain is prehistoric,

So,

You know,

You only have 25 years to live if you're a prehistoric human being.

You learn to screen in what's familiar very quickly and scan your environment for safety.

You don't have time to process.

And then think about our current reality,

Which is,

I mean,

We're constantly overwhelmed with so much information,

Right?

How do we sort through all that?

So,

It's just a way for the brain to survive,

To survive in a constant bombardment of information.

It's just to do what's familiar.

And especially with relationship patterns,

Which are preset somewhere between zero and five.

So,

When you are a child or a baby,

And the only thing,

It's so ridiculous the way human beings are constructed,

Because,

You know,

Zero to five,

Right?

You're napping half of your time.

The other half of your time,

You're observing your parents who are stressed,

Because you're awake and you have all these needs and they're basically,

You know,

Every human,

Every need a human being has is being met by them because you can't do it,

Right?

So,

They're totally stressed out.

That's when you're absorbing everything.

That's when you're absorbing everything and setting up your own template for how life is supposed to be.

So,

It's not the best design,

But that's what happens.

So,

Our relationship template,

How we,

Who we even see in the world,

Who even sees us in a way,

Is set during that time.

So,

If your parents were struggling with their relationship,

That goes into the template.

If one of your parents was distant or was having trouble connecting with you or there were other issues in the environment,

That goes into your template.

If you had a single parent,

That goes into your template.

So,

I,

You said something,

I mean,

All of this is really fascinating,

But something that sparked my attention was when you were saying,

You know,

At that time from zero to five,

You set what you see in the world and what sees you.

And I think that that's really interesting because I know that,

For a lot of people and for myself included,

You tend to see,

Like,

This pattern that comes up again and again and again,

Right?

Like,

I remember one time I had this relationship and we were going to couples therapy and our therapist was awesome.

And he said,

If you guys don't figure out these issues with each other,

You're going to keep finding people and repeating them over and over again.

Can you talk a little bit about that for me?

Because I think that that's so fascinating.

And I think my question with that really is,

What does that mean?

Like,

How do you,

How is it that you just sort of attract people to you with those certain issues?

Well,

We could talk about that for about an hour.

So,

If I was just a coach,

I would just tell you,

I would talk to you maybe about law of attraction and,

You know,

But being a therapist,

I can also talk to you about research in neurobiology.

So,

It's interesting how those two dovetail actually,

You know,

Kind of,

We think law of attraction and neuroscience and psychology are really different,

But actually they kind of,

They kind of coalesce,

They kind of talk about the same thing.

So,

Neurobiologically,

Let's say that there was some dysfunction in your childhood,

Right,

Which there is for most of us.

I mean,

Parents are imperfect,

Especially that zero to five window.

So,

You decide that relationships aren't safe and maybe men are not safe,

Right?

So,

Your own neurobiology will now give out signals to the world that you are not,

You don't want to be approached.

It will be.

.

.

How,

I mean,

That's really,

But how does that,

Is it just your body language?

Yeah,

Right.

It's the tone of your voice.

It is so subtle,

But it's your vagus nerve that will,

Because you don't feel safe in the world.

Here's what happens if there is dysfunction in your childhood,

There's a level of which you don't feel safe in the world.

I mean,

You generally probably feel safe,

You know,

If I asked you,

But you might have like this low level anxiety and you might feel unsafe in particular situations with men,

With women in relationships,

You know,

I mean,

This often happens to singles.

They feel great when they're single,

They're just lonely.

They get into a relationship,

Their anxiety spikes and they just can't settle,

And they just can't settle.

Is that familiar?

No.

I mean,

For me,

And I don't want to make this show my therapy session for sure,

But I think I mean more in terms of like,

You go for a specific type.

So,

Let's say that there are two men in front of you,

Right?

And you had a dysfunctional childhood and there's one guy that's like,

You know,

It could be like a solid normal relationship.

And then there's another guy who's the narcissist and you don't even see the guy that's like,

You know,

Quote unquote normal,

Whatever that means.

And the normal guy may not see you as safe or attractive,

Attractive or open or interested because of the signals that you give out that you don't feel safe in the world,

While the narcissist feel,

Meets something inside your template,

Which is like maybe dysfunctional.

It might match something in your childhood that feels familiar.

So you go,

Oh yeah,

There's something about this guy that really touches me.

I know I shouldn't date him,

But I'm going to see if maybe something good will come out of it and off you go.

Because I think too,

Like the type of people that you tend to attract in relationships are the people that you just surround yourself with naturally too.

Right?

So like,

I don't know that that's true.

I have,

I mean,

I have seen,

I have plenty of clients,

Plenty of people out in the world who surround themselves with generally really supportive,

Healthy people,

Except for their relationship partner.

Huh?

And that,

Go ahead.

I'm sorry.

No,

No,

No,

No.

You go ahead.

Cause you think what?

But I,

I think that it's very specific to domain.

Someone may not have trauma around sibling relationships or friendships,

But have trauma around their relationship with their parents or even their parents' relationship.

So we'll do healthy friendships,

But not a healthy relationship.

So what do you,

What do you see in terms of a lot with the single people that you coach?

What's a common theme?

Can't find the right partner.

Don't know why,

Please help me.

And how do you help them?

So it's an inside job,

Right?

That's,

This is what I'm basically saying.

It's an inside job.

So what I call it is the partner picker.

So your partner picker is broken and we can look at it through all kinds of lenses.

You know,

It's your biology,

It's your template.

It's the,

It's your brain is the tree.

It's the tracks in your brain.

It's your energy.

I mean,

Like we can look it up,

But basically we have to work on what's happening inside of you with relationships and with the kind of people that you screen in.

And so I do this interesting thing when I'm working with actually both with therapy clients and coaching clients.

I ask them to go sign up for dating apps and do the very best profile they can.

I just see who comes their way because that will give me,

Because that's a mirror that will tell me kind of where is their partner picker?

Like how is it doing?

So even online where you're not,

Your,

Your energy,

I mean your physical realm energy right here isn't out there.

Your vagus nerve or whatever pheromone you've got going is not,

Even then it's still,

You're still tracking that specific thing.

Really?

Yeah.

Yep.

It's that powerful.

And then what happens when I work with clients and we get better and better and better and better and better,

They attract different people and the people get closer and closer to what they're actually looking for.

And is that like on the dating apps,

Is that like,

Oh,

It's the way you write it.

Or is it just that your energy is just that strong?

And that's,

It's not exactly,

It's,

It's very hard to talk about because it's very hard to explain because some of it,

I don't understand myself.

I mean,

The way I think about it is as you internally change,

Your pictures change,

Your,

The way you talk about yourself changes,

The way you,

You think about yourself changes,

The way you respond to people changes,

Who you are attracted to,

Even online,

Who you're selecting,

What criteria you're looking at changes.

It starts to shift.

What you say no to and what you say yes to changes.

So interesting.

I have so many questions about that.

That's,

It's just,

It's so fascinating to me that it's,

I mean,

You know,

A lot of things in your life are like an inside job,

Right?

But you think that something that is like such an external thing about like who even notices you really has to do with you and your own limitations and your own blocks.

That's so interesting.

Well,

You know,

It's no different with jobs.

And,

You know,

Let's say you have two equal applicants for a job,

Similar resumes,

Who's going to get the job.

The person who believes in themselves and feels really strongly they can get,

They can do the job and,

You know,

They'll just look different.

So your mind really is the most powerful factor in creating the life that you want.

Yeah.

Creating the life that you want.

So this isn't all just a bunch of hoo-ha.

I mean,

I always knew that that was true,

But so what do you,

So,

I mean,

Obviously,

Like,

I know that you can't go into your whole therapy practice here,

But like,

What do you,

How do people,

How do people start changing that?

How do people start working on,

Like,

Let's say,

Do they make a list of what they're looking for in an ideal partner?

Do they,

Because I was watching this comedian once and she was like,

Yeah,

She's like,

A therapist told me wants to make a list of all the things I want an ideal partner.

And I looked at it and I was like,

This person's too good for me.

Is this what they're like?

I mean,

What,

How do you start shifting things for yourself?

Well,

That's external,

Right?

Making a list of your ideal partner and that's external.

Yeah.

So that's definitely not where we start.

Where we start is,

So,

You know,

How do you feel about being single?

You know,

What's your relationship history?

Why did you choose the partners that you chose and going in depth,

You know,

What's your relationship history?

Why did you choose the partners that you chose and going in depth?

You know,

What did you kind of know in the beginning when you were dating the people that you chose,

When you were just newly dating those people?

What did you know in the beginning that you ignored and why did you ignore it?

So building some trust and some knowledge and what do you get out of relationships often?

Or what do you get out of relationships with dysfunctional people?

And often what that boils down to is the fear that if I find a good enough partner,

They're either not going to want me or they are not going to be able to keep them.

Oh,

Interesting.

Interesting.

So I'm going to be abandoned,

Especially if the person has abandonment in their background of some sort of emotional abandonment,

Physical abandonment,

They will often choose dysfunctional partners as a way of keeping abandonment at bay.

Because they,

You know,

If somebody's,

If you know you're not choosing your right partner,

I mean,

You still might have feelings for them,

But you're not,

You're not going to be as invested.

So when the relationship ends,

You're not going to be as heartbroken.

If you don't.

Well,

So on the other side,

So I have a friend who works for a women's shelter and she has told me some stories about,

You know,

Stuff,

But she said that,

You know,

Nine out of 10 times,

They go in with these women and they help them get out.

And then these women end up going back into the same situation.

Is that like,

Is,

I mean,

Is that just because you're used to a pattern or is that because I feel like there's a lot of people and even something that's not that extreme,

Like,

Let's just saying,

Let's just say you're a guy and you're dating a girl and she doesn't appreciate you and you're,

You're not happy or whatever,

Just anything on that level.

Like,

And you just keep going back and keep going back and keep going back.

You think that you really love this person.

You keep going back and attaching.

I mean,

What about that side of it?

Well,

So because obviously that person needs some need,

It's not your complete a hundred percent,

Or it's not even your 80%,

But it might be 50%.

So even those abusive relationships,

Right.

They're likely if the person is going back,

They're likely not abusive a hundred percent of the time that there is maybe the other side of it is the intense focus and attention that the person gets before they get abused or in between being abused.

That's so attractive is not the word that's so fulfilling.

That's so needed that they are so desperately hungry for.

So that's the woman's shelter.

And then with a guy who's going back to a woman who doesn't appreciate him,

You know,

There might be sex,

There might be connection,

There might be fun together.

And then there is this,

She doesn't appreciate him.

So he just keeps fighting it,

Wanting it to change because there's so many other things that keep pulling him back.

Interesting.

Yeah.

Relationships are such an interesting realm to really are.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's,

It's so amazing how everything,

Like the more I go along and I realize,

Oh,

Everything is just sort of an external projection of what's going on inside of you.

So this really is an inside job.

And what I'm hearing from you is,

You know,

The first thing you really have to do is sort of like sit down and have a talk with yourself and kind of like ask yourself questions.

Yep.

Yeah.

I would recommend many talks with yourself.

Many,

Many,

Many,

Many,

Many talks or what a coach or what a therapist,

Many talks about.

So what's really going on inside.

Let's forget about the idea that there is no available men.

Let's,

Let's really take a look at what is going on inside.

Yeah.

So,

So I just have to tell you,

So yeah.

After 25 years as a coach,

Or maybe it's been even longer,

I think it's been like 28.

Yeah.

Like a really long time as a relationship coach and years as a therapist,

When I have clients who actually do this work and it's not easy,

Right?

Cause you have to kind of turn yourself inside out and really take a look and really own things and then do some exercises,

A lot of exercise and meditation and reading all kinds of things,

But then people really shift and they attract their dream partner and they get married and they have babies or they get married,

If they're older and they get married and they run away into the sunset together.

So I've definitely had that happen again and again and again in my practice.

And it's been so,

It's just so wonderful to see people do that.

It sounds like it's really kind of like,

I feel like sometimes it comes up with like commitment issues,

Right?

And it's like the fear of sort of like,

I don't know,

Like when I think about it,

Like,

Oh,

Asking yourself questions,

Like really getting to know yourself and really getting to know what makes you tick and sort of like,

I don't know if this is corny,

But falling in love with yourself.

Well,

Okay.

That kind of,

I mean,

It's,

It's not that it's corny.

I mean,

I hear that a lot,

But I don't know if that's.

I wouldn't,

I wouldn't,

I mean,

That's wonderful.

Appreciating who you are and understanding that you have something to contribute,

I think is very important that you bring a lot to the table.

I think that is a very important piece,

But the kind of work I'm talking about is not really falling in love with yourself.

It's more looking at the things that happened to you as a child,

As a young adult,

As an adult,

They're probably pretty painful.

So it's really having the courage to look at your wounds and to open them up again,

Because,

You know,

A lot of people don't like to look at the things that have happened to them.

Oh,

I had a fine childhood,

You know,

Or,

Oh,

You know that relationship,

It was hard,

But it's over.

But the thing is that everything that happens to us,

Even if our parents met well,

But our childhood was difficult,

Everything that happens to us and everything that happens to us in adulthood leaves a mark.

And if it has not been talked about and processed in a supportive environment with someone who's skilled or someone who deeply,

Deeply cares,

It's like you're carrying baggage.

And you know,

That baggage,

I mean,

I just motioned like it's in the back,

But in reality,

It's up here.

It's like you're carrying around this bag.

And then you wonder why people can't get close to you.

Well,

You're busy.

I can hug you when you've got this thing right in front of you blocking everybody.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then a lot of people are also armored as in they're protecting themselves from pain,

Which is normal because they've experienced pain.

Right.

Yeah.

But they're protecting themselves from being hurt,

From being rejected,

From being neglected,

From being abandoned.

And that makes perfect sense given their history.

And so,

You know,

Given their history,

However,

You can't enter,

You can't attract a healthy,

Wonderful partner if you are armored.

So you have to do something else to protect yourself that is not in armor.

So,

Okay.

Two questions on that.

How do you protect yourself?

And second of all,

I don't even know if this is really a question,

But how do you unarm yourself when you're constantly attracting a war zone?

You know,

Like that's so,

You know,

These people who are like,

Oh,

I've been hurt.

I've been hurt.

I've been hurt.

I'm putting up my wall.

Okay.

But all that baggage is still there.

So how do you put that wall down?

You got to work through the baggage.

You got to work through the baggage and then you'll stop attracting the war zone and the way you'll stop attracting it as it comes to you'll go,

Huh?

No,

I see that I've been there.

No,

Uh-uh.

Nope.

Next.

Yeah.

Swipe,

Swipe left.

Even in real life,

Swipe left.

Yeah.

Nope.

Bye.

Yeah.

Right.

I'm not even doing this.

Right.

So you,

You learn,

You just really have to learn and work through the inside stuff so that you start attracting different things and you can say no to the same,

You know,

To the dysfunctional things.

And then you ask the first thing,

How do you protect yourself without having the armor?

When you are fully awake in terms of relationships so that you are no longer pretending that the person is in front of you who has some dysfunction doesn't have dysfunction.

So you can truly take inventory.

You go,

Okay,

I see some red flags.

Could I live with those if this relationship worked?

Maybe.

Or no,

Absolutely not.

Next.

Or you know what?

Am I attracted to this person?

I mean,

All kinds of questions,

But if you are,

If you are fully present,

Then you are already protecting yourself because you're making conscious decisions.

Or if you are fully present,

You don't fall in love on the first date or the second date or the third date or the third date.

No,

No,

You don't.

No,

Because that's,

That's not present.

That's,

That's,

You know.

What is that?

That's not a person.

That's not a person.

That's,

That's,

You know.

What is that?

What is that love at first sight thing?

That's being a teenager.

There are plenty of 60 year olds or 30 year olds.

That's just being a teenager.

That's what teenagers do.

It's impulse control.

But Renata,

I'm gonna interrupt you here for a second.

Okay.

And just say,

Just like,

I don't know.

I mean,

Have you ever seen anybody and you're like,

Wow,

They're so attractive or oh my God,

Their personality is so funny.

Yeah.

Yeah,

They go,

Wow,

It'd be really fun to hang out with them and go on a date with them.

But it doesn't mean that there's going to be a relationship,

That they're going to be the love of my life or that I need to even sleep with them.

I can just enjoy all these chemicals in my body and have fun.

Yeah.

If I'm going to sleep with them,

I'm going to not go,

Oh my God,

I slept with them.

It was so amazing.

And now I need to marry them,

You know.

Or,

You know,

You just are present and conscious and you make conscious choices.

You have to separate.

There is a level as adults,

We have to separate our emotions and conscious choices.

Our emotion,

There is this idea in dialectical behavioral therapy of wise mind and I love this concept.

I love it.

And it comes to dialectical behavioral therapy comes from being conscious.

Dialectical behavioral therapy comes from Buddhism.

So it's just really beautiful.

And the concept is of wise mind.

It is making decisions,

Both with your emotions and your intellect.

And those are,

And then research has shown that those are the best decisions.

We decide best when we have our intellect and emotions.

And what happens in relationships is people make decisions with their emotions only and their intellect is talking to them and it's saying,

I don't know,

This is not feeling good.

There's something up with this.

And they go,

Oh,

Like a,

Like,

You know,

Like an annoying fly.

I feel like that's the whole human race though.

Right.

I feel like that you've described the whole human race there.

Like,

I think that at some point in our lives,

Everybody's been sort of swept off their feet that way and have made decisions.

I mean,

When the divorce rate is so high.

Exactly.

Well,

And other reasons.

So,

Okay.

So people are single and they want to work on themselves because they want to connect with somebody different and better and closer to their ideal.

Yes.

And so,

So I just want to get this straight.

It's not about writing out what your perfect soulmate looks like.

Okay.

And eventually we want to definitely do that.

We definitely want to know what you want,

But,

You know,

That's like six months down the road.

We want to know what's happening inside of you.

So when you start working on yourself,

Your recommendation is not to date.

Well,

You could,

I mean,

Actually that's not true.

My recommendation is to date because I want my clients to see the evidence that things are getting better because they'll start attracting different people.

I see.

So different people will start to show up and this is how I can get the buy-in that yes,

We need to keep going.

See different people are showing up.

So keep going because they're getting closer to what you want.

They're just not exactly there yet.

But so fascinating.

I went into this podcast thinking like,

Oh,

You know,

There are some only some surface level questions that we can ask because everybody is so different in what they're,

They're they're coming at.

So,

But you're saying that there's some general patterns in people and I'm just wondering what those general patterns are.

Yeah.

I mean,

Basically people are afraid.

I mean,

Basically that's it.

They're either afraid of closeness because closeness hurt.

So those are the men that are,

You know,

That are tend to,

Of course,

My,

Of course my phone is going to ring.

Those are the men that don't want to get close or the women that don't want to get close,

Or they really feel like they're not lovable and they're just not going to get what they need.

And so those are the people that tend to pursue relationships and feel a lot of anxiety and tend to chase and tend to kind of settle just because they're so desperate for relationships.

Because they're so desperate for relationship.

Huh.

And that's pretty much,

I mean,

Kind of,

Like,

Yeah.

That's the world.

Interesting.

This is also interesting.

I mean,

Because you don't really think about these things growing up and this is stuff that they don't teach you.

Like,

I know,

Like,

You know,

Especially like when we were back in school,

There was no such thing as like an inside job or nobody even thought about psychologically,

Like what's going on and how that affects your world.

And this whole idea of like,

You know,

Projecting,

Basically projecting your issues out into your environment and creating your world based on that,

Like that really requires a sense of self responsibility and just like owning everything that comes up.

And I can imagine that that's really scary to do.

Cause yeah,

Cause then you're responsible for everything.

It's not his fault that he's a jerk or it's not her fault that she cheated on you.

It's like something that's going on inside of you.

And then you're like,

Okay,

Well,

I'm going to do this.

Really actually be very conscious and discouraging for yourself.

Like,

Like how,

How do you handle that?

When it gene out and it gives outside control to your relationship is much more specifically in your relationship.

That mind-iggle piece.

And now it's showing us.

All that all lat web instead of you,

That you selected a partner that did this.

And then played out the dynamic and the relationships and situate that this is how interact,

About what you create.

Yeah.

So,

I mean,

You hit the nail on the head then.

It truly is about being awake and being there at every moment because it's little things that really like,

The things that you're not paying attention to,

How you sort of throw a wrench into your own world without even knowing that you're throwing the wrench into your own world.

So,

You know,

You could be having a bad day and,

You know,

Accidentally be rude to somebody just as an example and then they could start yelling at you or start a fight and you're like,

Why does everybody hate me?

You know,

And not even realize that it's like,

Oh,

Because this is how I started it and it was domino effect that sort of happened type of thing.

And the same thing with relationships.

It's like,

You're out with that person who is,

I don't know,

At the bar flirting with everybody else on your first date.

You're like,

Why is this person cheating on me?

It's sort of just,

It's very interesting.

Yeah,

Like not taking those subtle cues as they come in because that is definitely something that I've noticed too in my life is it's almost like,

You know,

The world writes you little notes.

You just have to pay attention to what's going on.

That's right.

Yep,

And the way that you do that is if you clear up enough of your trauma and pain from whatever has happened in your life,

Then it's really not that hard to pay attention because you're not so busy and constantly kind of dealing with the past.

You can be here.

You can be present.

So different than mindfulness,

Which is the practice of being present on purpose despite whatever is happening inside of you,

Which is lovely,

But there is this different way of being present by just really doing it of work on yourself where you're clear inside.

Interesting,

And that means what?

Like how does that differ from mindfulness?

Is it,

You know,

You're clear on what's going on inside and you see the patterns because that's kind of similar,

Right?

Like when you're mindful meditation,

When you're there,

You're like,

Oh right now I feel upset.

I feel upset because this person said this and that hurt my ego or whatever.

Like is it kind of that?

Which is lovely,

But what if you worked on why that person triggered you?

You know,

What if you went back and looked at the time that you were triggered in your childhood or in the past relationship and that the reason this person upset you is because when they said what they said,

A flood of memories came up that still has not been dealt with.

What if you,

Is it always stuff that you remember?

Like do most of your clients deal with stuff?

So then how do you deal with the stuff that you don't remember?

There's just a feeling that you have when something traumatic comes up,

You know,

And now there are techniques that there didn't used to be.

I mean now there's EMDR and brain spotting which are lovely,

Lovely.

I mean you just go work with a really good therapist and they can help you work through things even though you don't remember because you'll have a body memory.

Your body remembers.

Trauma does not go away and trauma doesn't mean like a car accident or rape.

You know,

It's neglect.

It's fairly small things can cause traumatic impact to us and make us feel unsafe in relationships in particular.

If anything that kind of just shook us at that time,

Right,

When we're so fragile anyway.

Or felt bad.

Yeah,

It has to be,

It has to be dealt with.

Not everything has to be dealt with a therapist.

I'm not saying everyone needs to go get a therapist,

Although that's not a terrible idea or a coach,

Right?

But if you get into a habit of working on it yourself,

Just kind of acknowledging,

Wow there's some pain in my past,

Here's why the pain is there,

And then working through it with a variety of methods.

There's the EFT tapping that you can do yourself.

That's very powerful in working through things.

There's particular meditations even that you can do that if you were not,

If you didn't receive the connection of love in your childhood you needed,

There are meditation practices you can do that will actually lay down the neurobiology that you're missing because you didn't get what you needed in your childhood.

Really?

Like what?

There's a meditation where you put your hands on your heart and another hand on your stomach and I did not invent this.

This comes from Marsha Lucas who wrote Rewire Your Brain for Love,

Which is an amazing book,

Combines neurobiology and relationships,

And you picture someone in your life that is truly safe.

Either a real person who was truly safe in all circumstances like a grandparent maybe or a coach or maybe even a therapist or a friend or a fictional figure that you kind of befriend and you just spend time with that person while doing the meditation.

And you do that as a regular practice that rewires your brain and lays down the neurons of attached,

Of safe attachment,

Which then allows you in the world to see healthier partners.

So interesting.

That's it's just this whole thing is so fascinating.

Is there anything else that like that you can think of that I can't think of right now because I'm just like wow that that people would want to hear about in terms of this?

Like you know what I think I really want to say if you are single and you want to be in a relationship and you just can't seem to find the right partner,

Go work with somebody on that.

Don't just don't just give up.

Don't and don't just keep you know like if you can pretty much tell that you've tried a bunch of dating apps and you've tried a bunch of things and it's been a couple years or whatever and you just can't find the right partner,

Go find somebody who can help you work through that.

I met this girl once and she was saying she said that she had made dating her job her full-time job.

She actually quit her job so that she was just like on dating it.

I know it was so bizarre but she said within a couple of months she found her soulmate and it was the best experience and it sounded like I mean if you can afford to do that.

Well there is something about numbers.

There is there is something about numbers for sure.

There is not that it's a game of numbers but I think once you I mean I've said I've given this task to clients you know do you 100 dates in 100 days.

Because it's more like a practice right so you kind of consistently see over and over again what's there and you become more comfortable with it and then you yeah you can sort of move forward into the realm that you want to go into.

It starts to shift you internally and you start to break up your belief systems about who's out in the world and what they think about you and you know all of that starts to break down if you date enough people right.

Yeah and you start focusing more on yourself and that's a really interesting point because I remember one time a few years ago I had been out of the dating scene.

I had a relationship and it ended and then I took a year off of dating and I went back to dating and the very first date I had the guy was so attractive to me and I was like oh my god I can't do this on the first date my first date ever because I felt like that was supposed to be my practice date you know.

Right.

So anyway it didn't work out but I'll see you next time.

So yeah so I think that that's all really great advice and I definitely feel like yeah work on yourself I mean that's really important it's a numbers game to a certain extent right cuz like you know it's about getting yourself comfortable but at some point too it's like you need to be able to loosen up on some of that baggage and let it go if you ever want to get out of your pattern.

Renata is there anything else you want to add?

Let's see what do I want to add if people are interested in working with me I am available as a coach as a therapist I'm only available in Washington State but as a coach I'm available worldwide and my website is getrelationshipsright.

Com and it is very very old and has not been touched in about a decade but I still look at it and answer and and I love helping people work on their relationship issues that's it's my life's passion.

So I can tell you're very good and I may have to hire you so I'm also gonna put a link to your website at the bottom of this podcast as well so that people can find you and yeah thank you so much for being on the show.

Thank you so much Maria for having me.

Reviews

I WAS SO LOOKING FOR THIS CONTENT! Thank you

very useful information. now I need to find a good coach where I am 😊

edit : thanks for the offer yes I'd love for you to check with Rinatta :) Thanks so much for that ! I will wait to hear what she has to say!

Interesting and helpful!