Funky Wisdom

Dennis Berry is sober and filled with wisdom. Childhood wounds can be healed...but it's completely up to us to do the work. Seems like we all get a little something to overcome. Listen in and get inspired. Our wish is for your life to be easier.

Transcript

This is Shine On,

The health and happiness show with new episodes every week on how to live well.

Shine On is heard all over the world as a podcast,

But it's heard first on the radio in New York's Hudson Valley.

Hi,

It's Casey.

Thank you so much for tuning in to Shine On.

I hope you're having a lovely spring.

The world and all its woes can be pretty overwhelming these days.

So I'm grateful for the privilege we have to get together and talk about healthy things.

Our guest today is Dennis Berry.

And in my little chat with Dennis Berry,

Author of Funky Wisdom,

I have like this huge aha moment.

And we'll talk about that coming up.

But first,

Think about what your life could be like if you had a life mastery coach.

Dennis Berry is just that.

He helps lots of people all the time.

Dennis,

How did you get on this path?

Well,

My background is that I've been sober,

Clean over 19 years now.

So I've been coaching.

I started coaching about 2005 because I realized that if I'm going to stay clean,

Sober and have a healthy,

Happy,

Productive life,

That I should surround myself with that kind of lifestyle.

So that's kind of the 10 second version of a really long story.

But that's how I got here.

My husband celebrates 25 years in October.

Isn't that beautiful?

I'm so happy to hear that.

I love hearing success stories like that.

It's great.

And there is something about once you get on a healing path to surround yourself with other people on the healing path.

And one of the things we want to talk about today is how you have and can help others master life by healing childhood emotional wounds.

Dennis,

I want to ask us just really big personal question off the top.

Do you think your childhood emotional wounds led to a path of addiction?

Yeah.

Well,

I think,

You know,

The thing with childhood emotional wounds or our inner child is that we all have those.

And every single one of us,

There's 8 billion people now or whatever the wild number is nowadays.

And we all have them.

And it's OK.

The trick is really to identify those.

And actually,

To answer your question in a nutshell,

Yes.

So we know we all have those wounds of abandonment,

Betrayal,

Rejection,

Humiliation and justice.

It's how we cope with those wounds that determines our happiness and our inner peace and success in life.

And some people cope with them in healthy ways,

Which is what I've now come to do over time.

And some people don't know how to cope with that or even what any of that means.

So we end up in addiction.

And when I say addiction,

Most of us think right away drugs or alcohol.

But addiction has many forms.

It could be food or porn,

Shopping,

Starbucks,

IPhones,

Watching 8 hours of Netflix every day.

Many of these are distractions really from feeling and growing and working on our goals and dreams in life at a high level.

Right.

I keep inner child work really at the heart of my life.

When you open my closet door in the morning,

There's sort of like a tribute altar to my childhood with a picture of me in a tutu at like 6 years old right in the middle of it.

But to others,

Right?

That is so beautiful.

Yeah.

And I suggest that to everybody.

It's an altar to your childhood because you can go back and do a lot of good work there.

But some other people say inner child,

You know,

Just grow up,

Get over it.

What do we say to that group?

Wow.

I mean,

There's so many different things you could say.

The first thing is awareness.

Like I just said,

We have to first bring awareness to it and say,

Wow,

That's really interesting.

I mean,

That could be the source of my problems.

And then the next thing we have to do is we don't just get over it in one second.

It can happen once we start doing the work that I do where we identify it,

We write down,

All right,

Well,

These are some of the behaviors that I do to cope with my inner childhood wounds of let's just say because it all really starts with abandonment really with every one of us.

So it could be people try to identify where the wound came from.

And unless there's some real big trauma,

It really doesn't matter.

Some people were raped or really molested or some sort of real trauma and we need to deal with that for sure.

But for the most part,

It could have been when we were six months old,

We were crying and needed a hug and mom was busy and couldn't pick us up at that moment and we got wounded right away.

And so we started to cope in this big scary world and we started carrying these behaviors into our life.

So we programmed our subconscious mind to become safe.

And so when people say,

Oh,

Why don't you just get over it?

Well,

We've been programming our subconscious mind on how to cope with these pains for years or decades,

A decade,

Five decades or some people who've never done any of this work.

And it takes a little while to reprogram the way that we think so that we can feel better.

So in a way,

Programming ourselves against the hurts of the world is really just a part of life.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

And a lot of us don't get those skills.

And again,

You know,

I used to use drugs and alcohol to discipline my mind and my energy.

And now I use a healthy diet and exercise and emotional work and I have a coach and I do this coaching and I read and I write and I meditate,

Which is crucial really for deep levels of inner peace and success.

And so that's how I discipline my mind now,

My mind and my energy by taking,

I think a very holistic approach and people,

That's a big buzzword.

People use holistic.

Well,

What does that mean?

People associate holistic,

That word with like something with the universe or spiritual or,

But all it really means is whole.

A whole body approach,

Body,

Mind and spirit approach to living well and looking good and being successful as a byproduct of living well.

And when you live well,

You feel better and have better experience.

Right.

So your diet isn't just what you eat,

It's what you listen to and what you take in to your mind and how you spend your time.

It's all your diet,

Right?

Yeah,

That's beautiful.

I love the way you put that.

I love your words.

You have great words.

I enjoy that.

Well,

Thank you,

Dennis Berry,

Master life coach,

Life mastery and addiction recovery and host of the Funky Brain podcast.

I appreciate you.

Let's just give one minute to the moms and dads who say,

But wait,

I didn't want to inflict my child with any of these,

You know,

Childhood emotional wounds.

What do we say to the moms and dads who were well intentioned?

Yeah,

Well,

We're all well intentioned.

I mean,

We're all doing the best we can with our current level of awareness and consciousness.

And you know,

There's really no parents out there that are intentionally doing ill will to their children.

And you know,

There are the very small percentage,

The fractions of a percent that are actually ill or sociopathic or whatever.

But that's not what we're talking about here.

And those people need help for sure.

But what we're talking about is that we're all perfectly imperfect.

We're all doing the best we can in any given moment with our level of awareness at that time.

And again,

Let's bring awareness to the situation.

So if you're listening to a show like this or reading a self-help book or listening to something to change your life,

You're probably on your way to learning things like this.

But you know,

We can't hold on to the past.

We can't walk around with guilt and shame.

That's part of the wound.

So if as a parent who's trying to protect their child and not make any of those mistakes or wound their children or say,

Oh,

I never did that or I wish I never did that.

That's part of the wound.

That's part of your wound.

You know,

So maybe we felt rejected or betrayed.

And so we're carrying around the guilt and shame of hurting our children.

We really need to find a way to let that stuff go.

Now we can be the best versions of ourselves too.

Right.

And you know,

This conversation with you starts to make more and more sense because often people can go to their parents or the people who feel that we're part of this childhood emotional wound.

And that person says,

I have no idea what you're talking about.

You know,

Right?

I did everything I could to give you everything I could.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

So it's almost like these,

Sometimes these childhood emotional wounds can be like accidental,

Right?

Oh yeah.

Almost all of them are.

Again,

Unless there's some sort of real trauma or betrayal,

Most of them are accidental and it's okay.

That's what we do.

Like when we do the work,

We really do a lot of writing and we say,

All right,

A lot of this leads to a lot of codependent behavior.

You know,

We're codependency of being sensitive to criticism,

Not emotionally available.

Any of the number one of thousands of codependent behaviors,

Which we all carry around blame,

Guilt,

Shame,

All these things.

And we're all doing the best we can.

So when we start writing these things down and we notice the behaviors that we're doing,

Again,

Mostly subconsciously,

We can say,

It's okay.

You were doing the best you can at that point in your life to survive,

But you're not that five year old little boy or girl anymore.

You're safe now.

You're an adult.

You're a happy,

Healthy,

Successful adult or whatever your circumstances.

And you can let go of that mask.

You can let go of that behavior and be who you are now.

And it's okay.

I love you.

You know,

We teach you,

We teach how to love ourselves again.

So you can go out and do whatever it is you want to do because the world's limitless.

We're limited only by our own limiting beliefs.

And once we realize that we can do anything we want,

Anything in the whole world.

You know,

I think we're talking to Dennis Berry,

A master life coach.

And I think listening to you speak gives me this idea.

Like if there's one thing that parents could teach their children,

It would be how to be kind to themselves.

Yes.

100%.

Yeah,

Love yourself,

Be kind to yourself,

Forgive yourself.

And you know,

I get asked on these shows all the time.

It's like,

If you can give one word of advice,

What would it be?

And yes,

That's one.

But the other thing is like,

If you're confused,

Because a lot of the wounds come from us trying to figure things out on our own.

And since we don't know the answers,

We end up with these unhealthy coping skills just to get through.

And I say,

Teach your kids want to be kind to yourself and ask questions.

That's what I always say.

Don't ever lose your sense of wonder.

When I think I know the rules,

The rules change.

If I don't understand something,

Ask questions,

Because then you'll get there faster.

I mean,

We live in a world now,

I don't know how old you are,

But you know,

25 years ago,

We didn't have Google Maps and Waze and all that stuff.

We had to ask directions.

And it was always the stereotype that guys wouldn't stop and ask directions.

And I always stop and ask directions.

I hate it.

It's like,

I can either stop and ask somebody and follow my ego and just say,

I don't know how to get there and get there in three minutes instead of driving around for an hour or two lost trying to figure life out.

So it's the same thing here.

Just ask questions.

Yeah.

And one of the bedrocks of healthy life is to have humility,

Because if you have humility,

You'll ask questions,

You'll be open.

And we're going to get to open in a minute.

I want you to just go back a minute.

And can you tell me,

Because I get so confused with this word and I've been doing this work a long time.

Give me an example of what codependency is.

It's a huge word.

And there are tons of definitions.

There are countless therapies and everything surrounding it.

So there isn't one.

In essence,

It's like,

It could be when you're talking about romantic relationships,

It could be loving somebody for who they could become rather than for who they are.

It's for not being able to be on your own,

To love yourself.

So you're looking for somebody else to fill you up.

I always say Tom Cruise was wrong.

Oh yeah.

And Jerry Maguire,

He's like,

You complete me.

It was a touching scene,

But it wasn't accurate.

The best relationships come from two independent people that can go about their lives and then come back and share their lives together.

But they're complete and whole on their own.

And it's a really tough concept to grasp onto when you are living a codependent lifestyle.

Now I also want to say codependency is a big word.

So there's a difference between being codependent and having codependent behaviors.

So we can say,

Oh,

You're a codependent person.

We all have codependent behaviors,

Every one of us.

The trick is what do we do with those codependent behaviors?

Am I becoming more codependent by numbing them out with some sort of addiction or distraction?

Or am I facing it head on working with a coach or accountability partner or even just talking with a friend and trying to grow your awareness and grow through it?

Or how am I dealing with codependency?

So again,

This goes back to what you said about loving your child.

We have to learn to love ourselves and say it's OK,

Respect yourself enough.

Codependent or independent people have strong,

Healthy boundaries.

You stab people in your life or sucking your energy or keeping you from achieving your goals and dreams.

Then we have to be able to let them go or limit the amount of time we spend with them,

Including family members too.

And I see this a lot with like grandparents who get totally consumed with grandchildren and babysitting and duties like this,

And they're completely depleting their own energy and they're not taking care of their own self because they have to be there for the grandkids.

That's a form of,

And sometimes grandparents have to be there.

I get that.

But that's a form of codependency,

Right?

When you just abandon your own life to take care of someone else's.

100 percent.

Yeah.

And that usually comes because there's an emptiness inside of you that you need to fill with something else.

Now,

Don't get me wrong.

I've seen my parents in action.

They love the grandkids.

And there's a difference between loving somebody and needing them nearby to feel complete and alive.

Like we have to find ways to do that.

We're all responsible for our own happiness and well-being.

And there's ways to love yourself again,

Including going back to what we were just talking about.

Like if I'm behaving that way,

If I need to have the grandkids around or my kids around or anybody or anything around to feel whole,

Then there's a deeper issue going on.

And it's OK.

And it's OK.

And it's OK.

Yes,

Yes,

Yes.

And it's OK.

You're not a loser or a bad person because you need to work on this a little bit.

I do,

Too.

Who doesn't love having kind,

Loving people around?

It helps it produces oxytocin and all the happy chemicals in our body that makes life worth living.

But if they're not around,

That's OK,

Too.

Right.

We're talking to Dennis Berry about life mastery,

Among other things.

Tell everybody about your how approach to life.

H.

O.

W.

Yeah,

I put that in my book.

And the reason is people ask all the time,

How do I get sober?

How do I get healthy again and lose weight?

How do I start a business?

How do I improve my relationship or have successful relationship?

And the answer is in the question,

How H.

O.

W.

It stands for honesty,

Open mindedness and willingness.

I have to first be honest and admit there's a problem because you can't solve a problem you can't admit exists.

And once you do,

Once like I was talking earlier,

Once you bring awareness to a situation,

Then you can become open minded about a new way of living.

And you know,

You say,

Oh,

Well,

This isn't going well.

Maybe there's another way of living and being.

And then I become willing to apply those things into my life so I can improve my life.

And it's kind of a simple approach to life.

It sounds simple,

Not always easy,

But simple.

But to be honest,

Open and willing to make changes.

Beautiful.

What is the law of the one thing?

The best example I like to use is New Year's resolution.

We're all very unfocused in this world.

And rightfully so.

I mean,

Everybody's like that.

Parkhead has ADD.

We all have ADD.

We're all distracted.

There's so many things in the world to be distracted by now.

And again,

Awareness.

And we need to really get laser focused.

There's so many things going on that we don't focus on any one thing and get it done at a high level.

And so the New Year's resolutions are great because every New Year's we have these five big goals,

These big resolutions.

I'm going to lose weight,

Write a book,

Start a business,

Improve my relationship.

And two weeks later,

Maybe two weeks,

We're overwhelmed.

And so we're like,

Well,

Through that.

So I'm going to eat chocolate cake and get drunk and right back to my old behavior in a really short time.

And next year,

It's the same five New Year's resolutions.

And this can go on for decades.

And nothing changes in our life.

So when I'm in my coaching approach,

What we do is we focus on the one thing.

It's called the one thing.

And other people have written books about it and everything.

But we focus on one major goal at a time.

Now you have to take care of your responsibilities and your health and pay your bills and go to work,

Take care of the kids.

But those are all responsibilities.

But working on one major thing at a time.

And then there's always the next one thing.

There's always a new one thing that we're working on to really have a fulfilling,

Meaningful life and achieve that one thing at a high level.

Dennis Berry,

I could talk to you all day.

Tell us about the book.

The book is Funky Wisdom,

A Practical Guide to Life.

My friends over the years,

Years ago when I started my journey into my new life and recovery,

They used to say,

Oh,

Dennis has funky brain again.

And I used to say all kinds of wild stuff when I was trying to figure life out.

So I was going to call the book Funky Brain,

But I like funky wisdom and implies growth and a change in my life.

And so I like that.

So I call it the podcast,

The Funky Brain podcast,

Which I don't really record as much anymore,

But it's a fun show.

If you get to check it out,

I've had a lot of great guests on there.

And so my book is Funky Wisdom.

It's really a little bit about my story.

And if any,

If I could do it,

Anybody can.

I almost died thousands times.

And you know,

If I can change my life,

I will lose the weight,

Get in shape.

I just turned 50.

I have more energy and I'm healthier now than I was when I was drunk and stoned and 25 years old.

And so Funky Wisdom is,

You know,

A little bit about my story,

A little program to apply into your life on a daily basis,

How to improve your life and then the how approach is in there.

So it's always a practical way to apply these things into your life.

All right.

Where do we go for more information?

The very best way is to go out to my website at dennisberry.

Com.

And from there you can do all the fun things we were just talking about.

You can buy the book,

Listen to the podcast.

I have a series called Life Mastery School on the website and it has four different video series plus webinars about loving relationships,

Addiction,

Recovery,

Health and wellness and looked at all mindfulness and meditation.

There's a series of between 10 and 20 videos on each of those topics where you can just go watch videos on how to improve your life.

So that is Dennis Berry,

Master Life Coach and his book is called Funky Wisdom.

I love how he is so generous with all of his wisdom here on shine on the health and happiness show.

So my big aha,

Maybe you heard it is simply that these childhood wounds that we can spend our whole lives healing from learning ways to overcome them,

Learning ways to build our sense of self back up,

Learning ways to be independent,

Learning ways to love ourselves.

This whole ball wax is really just part of life.

That was my aha because when you're struggling with one of these inner childhood wounds or many you feel like you can feel like,

Oh my gosh,

I am so persecuted.

Why did this happen to me?

Why am I broken or why do I have this hole inside of me?

How am I going to fix it?

I do know one person,

I may have mentioned her before,

My friend Karen.

When I talk about the boulders of life,

Boulders of childhood,

She's like,

I don't really have any.

She really had a great life.

But most of us have pretty good lives and still childhood wounds are inflicted.

And what's really,

Really clear to me today is probably most of the time the people inflicting them had no idea of the long term damage.

And maybe that is just part of life.

Maybe we should just all be talking about this.

You know,

Say to your grown kids,

Hey,

Do you have any like crazy childhood wounds from growing up that you're struggling with?

Maybe we should just bring it into the light and say,

You know,

Everybody gets a little bruised coming up.

What's going on for you and how can I help you heal?

What if we all just took the covers off this and started talking about our childhood wounds?

And you're like,

Casey,

There is enough going on in the world.

We don't need to bring this up at the dinner table.

And again,

I say with all that's going on in the world,

How grateful I am that we just get together and talk about these things on Shine On,

The health and happiness show.

Our thought for the day is the ho'oponopono.

It's a Hawaiian prayer teaching forgiveness.

It's a tool for reconciliation and a tool for restoring self-love and balance.

And the words loosely translate to make things move back into balance or cause things to move back to balance.

The Hawaiians believe chanting this prayer over and over is a powerful way to cleanse the body of guilt,

Shame,

Haunting memories,

Ill will or bad feelings.

I use this all the time.

Driving around,

Just repeating it and repeating it to no one in particular.

It's just a nice cleansing tool.

The ho'oponopono.

I'm sorry.

Please forgive me.

Thank you.

I love you.

Say it to someone in particular.

Say it to your inner child.

Say it to the world.

Say it to mistakes you made.

You didn't know that you made.

You're unaware of.

I'm sorry.

Please forgive me.

Thank you.

I love you.

I'm sorry.

Please forgive me.

Thank you.

I love you.

That's the ho'oponopono prayer.

Shine on.

You've been listening to Shine On,

The health and happiness show with new episodes every week.

It's your time to shine on.