Dear Grief Guide, My Motivation Is Gone

A letter-writer wonders how to maintain focus and motivation while navigating divorce and the sudden death of a dear friend. I read their anonymous letter and then offer them practical tools and compassionate wisdom for growing through grief.

Dear Grief Guide is a weekly advice podcast where I answer anonymous letters from people feeling lost, stuck, or overwhelmed in the midst of grief.

Music © Adi Goldstein, Used with Permission

Transcript

Hello and welcome to Dear Grief Guide,

A podcast where each week I answer one anonymous letter from a listener feeling lost,

Stuck,

Heartbroken,

Or overwhelmed in the midst of grief.

My name is Shelby Forsythia.

I'm a grief coach and author,

And I'm here to help you create a life you love from the life loss forced you to live.

Let's get to today's letter.

Dear Grief Guide,

I'll get right to it.

How does anyone get anything done while they're grieving?

I'm struggling so hard with grief hijacking my focus and motivation,

Especially during what's becoming a complex and painful divorce.

And just when I thought I was making progress and beginning to find my way again,

I receive devastating news that a friend I've been trying to reach all week passed away from an aneurysm.

I am absolutely crushed.

Now,

More than ever,

It feels like I'm taking one step forward and two steps back.

No,

Make it ten steps back.

No matter how hard I try,

My motivation to do anything is gone.

The emotional toll of divorce and the grief of losing a friend have left me feeling overwhelmed and drained.

It's like I'm stuck in a fog,

Unable to see a way forward,

Much less begin to move in that direction.

In addition to struggling with focus and motivation,

My sleep has been severely affected,

Making it even more difficult to cope with the challenges life throws my way.

The constant exhaustion only adds to my sense of despair and hopelessness.

Some days,

I feel like I may never dig my way out of this hole.

I'm desperate for any advice or guidance on how to improve my focus,

Regain motivation,

And get better sleep amidst the turmoil of divorce and grief.

Any thoughts or suggestions you have would be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,

Going Nowhere Fast.

Okay,

Going nowhere fast.

This is a hard one,

Not because the content of your question is hard.

How do I get better sleep?

How do I regain focus and motivation after a loss?

That's a question I'm going to answer.

This is a hard one because what's happening in your world is largely seemingly out of your control.

I'm not sure about the circumstances of your divorce,

But definitely the death of your friend,

Someone that you love,

And so suddenly too,

I was trying to reach them all week and then they died.

That is so shocking and jarring to everything,

Your nervous system,

Your body,

Your mind,

Your heart,

Your spirit,

Your emotional state,

Any progress you could be making at work.

I imagine it's a lot like,

I often tell the story with my mother's death,

But like a record player that lives in your head of they died,

They died,

They died,

They died,

They died.

No matter what you try and focus on or what you try and watch on TV or what you try and buy at the grocery store,

The record's always playing.

It may not be in the foreground of your brain or your heart.

It may be in the background,

But it's always there and it's like life and fate and loss dropped the needle on that record and you do not have the power to lift that needle back up and stop the record from playing.

It is on permanent repeat.

I hope I'm okay making a record reference.

Does everyone know what records are in this day and age?

Yeah,

It's like on endless loop.

You do not have control.

You do not have certainty.

You do not have,

As we talked about in the last episode,

You live in a world where anything can happen at any time to anyone.

And that's very scary.

I can see why.

It makes so much sense to me.

You are unable to find motivation or focus or sleep.

I want to start with sleep because if you can get even a half hour to an hour more of sleep than you're getting right now per night,

It will change your life.

It sounds very bare bones basic,

But it's true.

Sleep is so crucial to our existence in general,

But especially when we're grieving.

It helps our bodies chill the hell out.

It helps our brains catalog and process what has happened unconsciously.

We don't need to participate with that,

Which is a gift of grief.

Thank goodness.

I don't have to participate in the filing process of my brain while I'm grieving.

And it helps our hearts.

Should we dream be connected to the people we've lost or what we want if we have the blessing of having good dreams after a loss.

So I definitely want to start with sleep hygiene,

And these things are so easily Googleable.

I know you can find them yourself,

But I'll say them here again just in case there's anything on this list that you haven't tried.

So first,

If you have the ability to have a consistent bedtime,

Do it.

It may feel like you're treating yourself like a kid again,

But we all become children in some way in life after loss.

We need taking care of in the way that dependent creatures need taking care of.

So treat yourself like a pet or like a child and give yourself a consistent bedtime.

I know for me,

I set an alarm on my phone to attempt to go to bed,

And it's helped a lot at just reminding me that it's okay to put the day down and go,

As my wife says,

Be flat,

Be horizontal,

Enter horizontal mode.

The next thing,

Of course,

I'll suggest is really popular advice these days is no screens.

I know that,

Especially when you're grieving,

A comfort TV show or a podcast like this one,

Thank you for all of you who are listening out there who are trying to sleep,

Or a video or something can often be the thing that helps you sleep,

But as much as possible,

If you can,

Keep the audio on,

But turn the screen off up to,

Ideally,

An hour before you go to sleep.

This is something I'm not super great at,

Or I'm always working to get better.

But even closer to my grief,

I loved watching videos on YouTube to go to sleep of just people doing quiet things,

Shuffling papers,

Stamping books.

Somehow the noise of somebody else doing something gentle in the same room as me was comforting.

But I realized that I would fall asleep pretty quickly,

So I didn't need to look at the video,

I could just listen to it.

And so I got a Bluetooth speaker.

And so connecting my phone to a speaker and leaving the phone in one room and taking the speaker with me to the bedroom,

That shifted my reliance or need for screen.

And so there was no distracting or obtrusive blue light in my space,

Which I think is what a lot of people say disrupts our ability to naturally fall to sleep.

If you've got a little money to spend,

Or if you have friends and family that want to take care of you,

Get some new bedding and pillows.

Make your bed the most tempting place in your house.

Make it just the place you want to be all the time.

Better than the couch,

Better than your desk,

Better than the kitchen,

Better than the dining room table,

Better than the bonus room,

Or whatever the layout of your house looks like.

If you can make your bed the most tempting,

Most comfortable,

Most luxurious place to be,

It makes going to sleep so much easier.

So things like bedding and pillows,

Which I mentioned,

Perhaps a weighted blanket,

Perhaps blackout curtains,

Perhaps a humidifier if the room is too dry,

Perhaps a fan if the room is too hot,

Sleep masks are great,

Earplugs are great.

I gotta tell you,

The best purchase I ever made in adulthood was an electric mattress pad.

My parents had one growing up in the wintertime.

They would,

It had his and hers controls on the side of the bed.

They would turn on the electric mattress pad on either side of the bed and essentially preheat the bed before they got into it,

Like a massage table.

And oh my god,

My sister and I in the winter did not want to leave that bed and go upstairs to our own.

And as soon as I became an adult and I had my own spending money,

I was like,

I am preheating the bed for the rest of my life.

And it makes it feel so exciting to go get in the bed and lay down.

And I,

Cause I'm cold all the time,

My feet are cold,

My hands are cold,

Almost every part of me is cold all the time when I'm home,

Especially as the day winds down.

And so knowing that I can have a hot shower and then go to a hot bed is so nice,

Is so calming and comforting to my whole nervous system.

I'm not shocking myself with more cold at a time when all I want to do is be comfortable.

So if you have the money to spend,

Or if you have those people who are pestering,

How can I help?

Anything I can do for you?

Blah,

Blah,

Blah.

Something you might ask of the people around you is,

I don't need you to bring me a meal,

But I've been really struggling with sleep lately and I think these pillowcases would be a great thing for my sleep.

I'd love to have a new place to rest my head,

Or I'm really trying to make sleep a priority.

Could you pitch in for a sleep mask or a new comforter or something that would make the process of,

Could you help me hang blackout curtains in my bedroom?

Maybe if you don't even have those hung,

Maybe that's a great place to start.

Could you help me buy a rug so I'm not,

You know,

Putting my feet on cold floor before getting into bed?

A new set of PJs,

Whatever it may be.

I know this is the part of grief support that can cost money.

So as much as you can,

Asking the people around you for help,

Even if they just go on the shopping trip with you,

Even if they're not buying it for you,

But they go on the shopping trip for you,

They help you make the bed,

They help you wash the sheets for the first time so you don't have to think about doing laundry while you're grieving.

Anything where people are like,

How can I help?

And you can say,

I'm struggling with my sleep,

Maybe a subscription to a meditation app.

I'm not sure.

Or you can find things like this podcast and other wind downs and talk downs and meditations for free on a service like Insight Timer.

There are so many ways that you can ask the people around you to help,

Help you sleep,

Help you cope.

As you've very clearly pointed to this being one of the number one high priority struggles you have in your grief right now.

Beyond sleep,

Here's what I want to tell you in terms of motivation and focus.

These are things that often go missing when you're grieving through no fault of your own.

It's a part of grief.

When our bodies shift from make progress mode to try to survive mode,

Focus and motivation disappear because so much of the brain's priority is in the present.

It's how do I take care of this being that is at such a high stress level right now?

And when our stress goes down,

Then we're able to expand our view gradually,

Gradually until we can include the future,

Whether the future's next week or five years from now.

And that's,

That helps with motivation,

Being able to see beyond today,

That it makes sense that you're not able to see beyond today or tomorrow,

Or maybe three days from now is as far as your brain can go.

And that's,

That makes so much sense when you're grieving.

So something that I've taught a lot of previous clients before,

And something I often do for myself in seasons of overwhelm or stress,

Or just feeling unfocused or unmotivated is making a list.

And so taking a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle,

And on one side,

Write have to do,

And then on the other side,

Write could do.

And on have to do,

Very obvious,

What do you have to do today?

What must you accomplish before the end of the day?

These could be things like work deadlines that are due today.

They could be eating,

Sleeping,

Having a nap.

They could be things like feeding or caring for children,

Pets,

Parents,

Family members that you are a caregiver for,

Could be brushing your teeth.

What is it that you must do in order to continue to exist and continue to take care of any obligations that you've made commitments to that you must get done?

And everything else goes in the other column.

Everything else goes in the could do list.

Maybe you don't have to grocery shop today.

Maybe there's a work deadline you can kick the can down the road two weeks.

Maybe there's a friend or a neighbor you could meet up for coffee with tomorrow or next week or next month.

What can you hit the snooze button on that does not have to be a priority for today?

And I get that this makes your view of the world extremely small.

It takes your focus from here's the great expanse of my day to here's what I must do to survive.

It's a very small list,

Oftentimes,

Often less than five or 10 things.

When before I imagine going nowhere fast,

That your list included 10,

15,

20,

50 things in a day easily,

Easily.

And there is grief in that having to change as a result of loss,

But giving yourself permission to only do the have tos takes the pressure of expectation off of your shoulders of needing to get it all done and allows you to feel more accomplished when you do get the entire have to list done and have the energy some days to do things that you could do that are more optional.

Maybe you do go to the grocery store.

Maybe you do have coffee with that friend.

Maybe you do take a walk around the block.

Not mandatory for your survival,

But oh my goodness,

Starting to do things from the could do list more consistently.

That's a great indicator of you entering a place of less stress and less overwhelm and moving into a place where your focus and motivation are returning.

I can't tell you how long that process takes of just doing the have tos to doing the have tos and the could dos.

It could be a few weeks,

It could be a few months,

It could be a few years,

Depending on how stressful your life continues to be.

It sounds like you were in a great season of stress right now,

But what I can tell you is you will not be relegated to the have to dos forever.

That will not be a limitation that you carry for the rest of your life.

There will come a day when you complete the have tos and joyfully have the energy for the could do list as well.

The last thing I want to say is that I would like you to grieve motivation.

In addition to all the things you're grieving right now,

Grieve motivation as a component of yourself,

Your identity,

Your life,

However it most resonates to you.

You could do this by writing a letter to motivation,

You could do this by just having a conversation with it out loud,

Whether through voice note or not recorded.

You could create a ritual for grieving and releasing motivation,

Maybe putting away or pausing things that contributed to your motivation,

Such as putting a planner,

A weekly planner in a drawer for a little while.

Maybe you don't need to plan everything out because there's not a whole lot to plan for right now.

You're just surviving and that's okay.

Maybe it's turning off an alarm clock so you're not pressuring yourself to get up so early to get everything done.

Whatever it may be,

How can you show yourself that you are grieving motivation through a letter,

Through a call,

Through a ritual.

And then conversely,

Just as we've talked about in episode 11,

You can also write a letter or create a ritual or have some sort of conversation with motivation of,

I hope you will return.

I hope I'll see you again soon.

Or I know I'll see you again soon,

I just don't know when.

And to grieve motivation,

To grieve what you used to have,

What your life used to look like,

The ways you used to think and focus and drive forward into the future.

Grieve that.

Because it seems to me from the way you write,

It is and was a crucial part of your identity and in this letter,

In this ritual,

In this conversation you have with motivation,

Offer it hope that it will return.

I hope to see you again.

I hope you'll come back.

I will always save a place for you.

I look forward to the next time we run into each other.

I can't wait for you to be a part of my life again.

To just issue that sort of energy or that sort of invitation to motivation,

Even if it can't be there for you right now.

It's such a beautiful way to reminding yourself emotionally and psychologically that it's possible for something that you lose to come back,

At least when it comes to your identity.

Of course we cannot resurrect your marriage.

Of course we cannot resurrect your friend.

One of the hardest parts of grief is that death makes everything feel permanent,

Including the loss of who we are,

Our identity,

Something like motivation.

But something that we often forget or can't see right away in grief is that sometimes the things we lose can come back to us,

Especially when it comes to identity.

I've worked with so many grieving people who are mourning the loss of creativity,

The loss of feeling safe in the world,

The loss of joy,

The loss of wonder.

And because their deaths have been so permanent,

The deaths of people they love in their life have been so permanent,

There's this illusion that the deaths of who they are are permanent as well,

That they will never be creative again,

That they will never feel joy again,

That they will never know wonder.

But what we can do as we grieve these elements of ourselves we can no longer be,

Is also issue them an invitation to come back to us.

Or just let them know that we are excited to see them again,

That we hope they'll return,

That we'll always leave the door open to them when they're ready to come back.

And granted they may come back looking different.

They may come back in new clothes,

Motivation will be wearing a new outfit,

Because your motivation will now be informed by grief and stress and overwhelm of this most upheaval time of your life.

But I do have faith that for you going nowhere fast it will return.

In the meantime,

Though,

Find,

Create as many ways to get rest as you possibly can,

Because every ounce of sleep you get will contribute to that return of focus,

That return of hope.

Make that have-to-do-could-do list that is so incredibly helpful and grounding when you're grieving.

It's like,

What do I got to do to get through this day?

What can I put off to tomorrow but could be optional for today,

Should I have the energy?

And grieve motivation.

Grieve it and also invite it to return.

And then just be on the lookout for it,

For all the ways it might appear,

Reappear in your life again.

I know it will,

And I know your love of focus and motivation and having that be so true to you will call it back to you.

Thank you so much for writing in to me today.

Reviews

To grieve motivation is a concept I hadn’t considered … and realizing that I had indeed thought it would not come back, and yet… it will and I will see it differently with my grief. BEAUTIFUL