Dear Grief Guide, My Loss Is Impacting My Dating Life

A young woman in the dating pool doesn't know how to talk about her brother's death with prospective partners. I read her anonymous letter and then offer her practical tools and compassionate wisdom for growing through grief.

Dear Grief Guide is a weekly advice podcast where I answer anonymous letters from people feeling lost, stuck, or overwhelmed in the midst of grief.

Music © Adi Goldstein, Used with Permission

Transcript

Hello and welcome to Dear Grief Guide,

A podcast where each week I answer one anonymous letter from a listener feeling lost,

Stuck,

Heartbroken,

Or overwhelmed in the midst of grief.

My name is Shelby Forsythia.

I'm a grief coach and author,

And I'm here to help you create a life you love from the life loss forced you to live.

Let's get to today's letter.

Dear Grief Guide,

My only brother died four years ago,

And as a young woman I've been on many dates,

Some more personal than others.

One question that often comes up is,

Are you close with your brother?

Assumingly,

Because I always share fun stories about my childhood and my brother is always a part of them.

I feel like such a mood killer when I awkwardly laugh and plead with my date not to feel bad for me,

But that my brother is dead.

I remember I was looking for advice about this years ago,

And the only thing I found was saying,

I don't have a brother.

While this certainly brings a stop to the questioning and makes things slightly less dark,

I can't speak about my brother like that.

I did have a brother,

And I still do.

He's just not here anymore.

How can I talk about my brother's death without feeling like I'm looking for sympathy or killing the mood?

It's always so awkward for me.

How do you respond when someone asks about your deceased loved one,

Especially on dates?

With gratitude,

Grieving sister swiping right.

Okay,

Grieving sister swiping right.

This is actually kind of a,

Not a fun one,

But it's always interesting to see how grief plays out in social dynamics and the responses that people have to loss.

So right out of the gate,

I'm going to tell you something that might feel a little taboo,

A little unconventional,

And that is to put the fact that your brother is no longer here in your dating profile.

I'm not sure if you're interested in putting pictures with him in your dating profile.

A lot of people shy away from putting pictures of themselves with someone of the gender they're attracted to in their profile for fear that someone will think that it's a current partner as opposed to a sibling.

But you may put in pictures of your brother with captions of me and my brother together.

Or as one grieving person who I believe lost her father and then put it on Tinder wrote an article about,

You might actually put it written into the body of your profile,

Whatever apps you're using to find and connect to people,

Saying something like,

My brother died four years ago and I love remembering him.

The biggest way to get to my heart is to ask me about him.

To use it as a door opener,

As a signifier of not only that you're grieving,

But how you would like to be treated as you grieve.

And this is something I recommend across the board,

Whether people are dating or not,

But especially when you can declare out in the open,

Whether on social media or dating apps or even in conversations with people to say,

Not only am I grieving,

Baseline,

I'm grieving,

But here's how you can help me feel loved or seen or validated or appreciated or not weird,

Not awkward as I'm grieving is to ask me questions about him.

So to say something like,

I love cats and long walks on the beach.

In the next paragraph,

My brother died four years ago and I love being asked about him.

It's the quickest way to my heart,

Here are three questions you could ask me about him.

Ask about the time we went camping together.

Ask about the sport we played when we were in elementary school.

Ask me about our favorite popsicle flavors or let's go out for popsicles in honor of him.

The people who know what it is to grieve and who want to date somebody who is grieving will take that as an opportunity to get to know you better.

They will not shy away from that.

They will not think that's weird.

It may feel different for you right now because you mentioned you're a young woman.

I don't know how old you are exactly,

But there may not be a lot of people in your dating pool who know what it is to grieve the death of a sibling.

That being said,

I don't quite remember what the statistic is,

But if I remember correctly,

It's either 1 in 11 or 1 in 13 people will experience the loss of a significant person in their life before the age of 18.

That's about a 10th to a 14th or 13th of the population.

That's a lot of people who know what it is to lose someone.

They really,

Really love.

So there are grievers out there and they are on dating profiles just like you.

Whether they put it on their profile like you,

That remains to be seen.

But if you'd like to,

You can invite them to engage with you.

I lost my brother four years ago,

Asking me questions about him is the quickest way to my heart.

If you're grieving someone too,

Let's talk.

Grief can be a wonderful door opener to conversation,

Even on dating apps.

And I'm a little hesitant to mention this,

But as much as you can,

And I trust your instincts on this,

I hope you'll avoid situations that feel like what a lot of people now call trauma bonding,

Which is meeting up to talk,

But only talking about the awful thing that happened to you.

Having grief be the center and the locus of your dating relationship.

Grief should be,

I'm going to should you for a second,

Grief should be an element.

It should be a component because you're correct.

Your brother was a part of your life and your brother is a part of life.

He's going to come with you into the future of everything.

He's going to come with you on your first date,

On your 10th date,

When they propose,

When you get married,

If these are the milestones that you are reaching for as you are dating,

He's going to be present,

If only memory,

If nothing else than memory,

He's going to be present with you.

So it is worth knowing.

Grief is worth being a part of the conversation that you're having.

But I would be wary of having grief be the only reason that you're dating somebody.

There should be some level,

Of course,

Of mutual attraction,

Whether that's physically,

Emotionally,

Mentally,

Spiritually,

There should be other shared interests.

There should be agreement on,

You know,

Concrete things like family relationships,

Holidays,

Managing money,

Living arrangements.

There should be so many other things that you agree upon and that you like about each other in order to be in a dating relationship.

And because you are a grieving person,

Grief should exist somewhere within the ecosystem of your relationship.

So put it on your dating profile in some capacity.

It's a brave move,

But and you will very quickly weed out people who aren't interested in talking about your brother or who are going to respond awkwardly to your story by doing that.

What I don't want you to do is follow this advice you heard years ago,

Saying,

I don't have a brother,

Because you're right,

That makes things so much more complicated.

Eventually you're going to have to backtrack and tell them,

Actually,

Yeah,

I do have a brother,

But he's dead.

So not only have I lied to you,

I lied to you twice.

And that is not necessarily the best foundation on which to create a relationship.

So let the foundation be grief.

Let it be that initial,

Sort of,

For lack of better phrasing,

That initial bomb drop,

That initial shock factor,

Whether it's on your profile or whether you say it in person,

And let the other person respond how they may.

That being said,

How people respond to you is a big tell for how they're going to respond to you for the remainder of your relationship.

In Life After Loss Academy,

There's an entire section where we talk about not just doing grief with yourself,

Processing grief by yourself,

But processing grief with others,

Because grief never happens in a vacuum.

So we talk about how to craft your grief story,

Including planning for other people's responses to your grief.

So what are you going to do if they respond well?

Oh my god,

I'm so sorry to hear that,

Tell me your favorite memory of him,

It's clear he's important to you.

If they respond poorly,

Whether they gloss over it entirely,

They look at you crazy,

They get up and leave the table,

Whatever the case may be.

Or if they give you no response at all.

If they change the subject,

If they fail to acknowledge your loss,

If they never talk about pictures of you together or speak his name again.

What are you going to do in each of those situations?

And in Life After Loss Academy,

That's something I can help you plan out and plan for as you begin to embark on dating as a grieving person.

And that's the last thing I'll leave you with.

As you are striking out there in the dating world,

As you are presenting yourself to other people,

I want you to take your grief with you.

In Life After Loss Academy,

We call this seeing through grief glasses.

So as you are combing over your prospects,

As you are considering who to give your precious time,

Energy,

And attention to,

Look at them through grief glasses.

Are they demonstrating empathy or emotional intelligence?

Do they have lost stories of their own?

Are they choosing places and spaces where it feels like your grief would be welcome?

Maybe places that are less anxiety-inducing or more restful.

Like for example,

My grief would much prefer a first date that's a walk along the lake than in like a bump-and-club restaurant.

But that's just me.

So what does your grief need as it comes along for the ride with you as you date,

As you experience the world as someone who is dating?

I am wishing you so much luck,

So much love,

And so much permission to get creative with this process.

To let people who are grieving and who are grief-welcoming come to you.

To let whatever you choose to put on your profile in ways to talk about your brother be an invitation,

Not a barrier to love.

Because that is exactly what it is.