Serenity Wellness Podcast E22: Pushy People

Sometimes setting boundaries with others can be challenging, especially with pushy people. These individuals push our boundaries and use manipulative tactics to undermine and ignore our requests. Learn more about some of the tactics they use and a communication tool to keep you grounded and firm in your boundaries.

Transcript

Hello,

Welcome to Serenity Wellness Podcast.

My name is Nicole White and I'll be your host.

This podcast is dedicated to helping you tap into your full potential of how you can heal and balance your mental,

Emotional,

And physical wellbeing.

Together,

Let's explore inner self,

Connect to our strength,

And manifest your true nature.

One full of love,

Purpose,

And passion.

Welcome to episode 22,

Pushy People.

I want to first thank you all again for your ongoing support and your feedback you're giving me.

It just really fills my heart so much.

I can't thank you enough.

It is overwhelming to me.

I just kind of learned that this is being listened to in 16 countries so far and 41 states.

So that is just,

It overwhelms my heart with joy.

I can't thank you enough.

And also for your feedback in helping me to know if this is really kind of helpful for you and feedback in terms of,

Like I said,

Those questions helping me to design the flow of the episodes.

But this podcasting,

As I mentioned in my,

Excuse me,

My first episode is really new to me.

I listened to two Joe Rogan podcasts and then started a podcast.

So I didn't really know what I was getting into or what I was doing.

But it's also completely different than what I do in my work with clients because I'm just kind of talking at you.

And that's just not at all what I do and working with people.

It's a discussion,

Dialogue,

Exploration,

And curiosity of opening folders of awareness and those light bulb experiences that come through in their own personal exploration as we dive into some of the stuff that we're talking about.

So I appreciate your feedback because it,

Again,

Is just so great knowing that you're getting something from this and that you're adding these wellness tools and finding some benefit from it.

So thank you for sharing that with me again.

All right.

So back to today.

Episode 22,

Pushy people.

In the last episode on boundaries,

We started talking about how to establish boundaries,

Some obstacles,

And some times how when we do this,

We can have challenging people in our life.

And when I'm terming this pushy people,

I'm not saying like in a judgmental way,

More of pushy people and they push back at these boundaries.

They push back at the nose or what we're trying to establish in a healthy connection.

So that's what I mean in terms of that.

I had mentioned in the last episode about how I'm going to talk further on some ways and techniques that we can use to help us when we're trying to communicate these boundaries with some of these pushy people in our life.

And so today we're going to talk a little bit more about the behaviors they might bring into the communication.

And then I'm going to give you some awareness of some skills or thoughts that might come through for you,

But also some skills that you can use to bring into these communication dynamics.

First,

Let's look at behaviors.

So these are some of the behaviors that these people might use when you're trying to communicate boundaries.

Something to keep in mind as I go through these behaviors are they can be kind of subtle and slow.

It's like this slow build down of your confidence to establish some self-doubt in you.

It's a manipulation tactic and it's a way again to slowly and subtly wear you down over time creating doubt in yourself,

In your thinking,

Almost making you question things that you can see right in front of you over time.

So that can also happen or these can be very abrupt and people can escalate in these behaviors that I'm going to describe rather quickly.

So when I go through these,

They're not exactly in this order.

Sometimes they will escalate kind of in the way that I'm describing,

But sometimes people just will jump right into more of the aggressive higher ends of this sequence that we're going to go through here.

So one of the first things that people will often do,

Excuse me,

My throat's all jacked up.

One of the first things that people might do is they might actually ignore you.

They might just completely ignore the feelings that you just shared or tried to share,

The thoughts that you expressed or the boundaries that you're putting in there,

Almost responding back to you in a way like they didn't even hear you or like they didn't even hear you,

Like they weren't even listening,

Like responding with something completely random and just walking away from that discussion altogether and ignoring it.

They might also take over the discussion and kind of move it into a different direction.

They might change the subject altogether into something different or might try to change the subject more into something focused about you.

This is when they will start to pull out bricks in the backpack.

If you listen to the episode on what's in your backpack,

We talked a little bit about this,

About how we can carry around these bricks and these fire starters to escalate things.

Well,

This will often come in in this dynamic of trying to push back on boundaries.

We'll pull out things or they'll pull out things or both people will start to respond in this cycle together and pull out things.

But in this dynamic,

It's pulling out these things in the backpack that they're carrying around,

Responding in ways of,

Yeah,

Remember when you did this or that time or look what you just said then.

And so they'll kind of have it hanging on there and bring it out as a way to,

Again,

Try to divert the attention and the focus away and take accountability away from the current discussion that's trying to be had.

They can also then start listening to respond.

We talked about that in,

I think it was the communication episode.

I still haven't worked on that list.

I told you guys I'm going to work on.

I will get to that,

I assure you.

But I think it was the communication episode when we talked about this idea of sometimes people in an aggressive communication style or passive aggressive communication style will listen to respond.

So they'll kind of listen for that one word you say.

You'll say a whole paragraph and maybe you said one word and now they hone in on that word,

Or you were calm during most of the whole discussion and maybe you elevated a little bit.

And meanwhile they've been escalating and yelling and things and then they'll see,

Look what you did and kind of turn it back to you.

So these things that they'll pull out in the backpack or try to divert the attention away from self and that accountability.

They can also be really good at lying.

And lying in a way that is so clearly manipulative that it can baffle the other person's mind or create mental confusion.

It's like you'll see them do something right in front of you or they will say something very clear and specifically.

And then when you try to discuss it,

They will tell you it didn't happen,

That you're crazy,

That you're making up stuff.

They'll add intentions or assumptions back at you about what you really mean or what you're really thinking or what you really said and then again diverting it away from what you're trying to address.

And they will try to completely manipulate it and try to make you feel that the truth that you just saw or that you just heard is not true at all.

Then this can also create and escalate in verbal and non-verbal communication.

And again this can be all the way at the beginning,

This escalation.

And people just dive right into kind of a harsh way of communicating right at the beginning.

And so this verbal and non-verbal escalation,

The verbal part might be loud and name calling.

Again telling you things like you're crazy,

You're sensitive,

Saying things like you don't care about them when you're trying to set firm boundaries,

Adding added intentions or assumptions behind what you've actually said,

Trying to tell you what you think and what you feel.

And then they may also have a non-verbal intimidating stance.

So might be posturing in a certain way of aggression,

Trying to stare you down and create intimidation through the stare,

Trying to again create this dominance or control aspect of the room and the conversation.

They might also start yelling,

Throwing things,

Breaking things.

They might be abusive.

And please if you are in an abusive cycle and relationship,

Know that there's help out there for you.

You can contact your local crisis line,

You can even go to your local emergency room,

Contact a local counselor,

The National Domestic Violence Hotline.

There's so many different avenues of ways that will support you.

There's often shelters in most towns for people who are struggling to get out of an abusive cycle.

So please if you're someone struggling with that,

Know there's help and allow yourself permission to reach out and get that help.

You're not alone in getting out of such a situation.

You don't deserve to be treated in any way that is abusive towards you.

So some other things to keep in mind here are these escalations,

Like I mentioned,

Can be quick.

And then also they might sprinkle in these elements of kindness or like positive praise in some sort as they're throwing in these daggers and these insults.

They might also,

This is to create mental confusion,

Sorry I should add that in there.

Again it's this idea of sprinkling in kindness is to create this mental discombobulation and confusion for the other person.

This is completely a form of manipulative communication.

So keep that in mind as we go through these.

They might also,

In this verbal aggression I should go back and mention,

When they're verbally escalating and name calling,

They can also get very abusive in the way that they're speaking towards you and at you.

They will go for the jugular is what I call it and that's when they are going to use the harshest and most critical things they can that are going to hurt you the deepest against you.

Maybe even things that you shared with them in a personal time that were a struggle for you in the past or something you're currently working through in self.

They will use that against you to try to manipulate,

Confuse you and make you feel less than.

It's about control and domination,

Trying to take you off your path and trying to wear you down over time.

Almost making you just kind of give up on the idea of setting these boundaries.

They want to mentally and emotionally exhaust you.

Another thing that they might also do is try to project their stuff onto you.

So if they're chronic liars,

They'll try to call you a liar.

If they are one who is easy to get into anger or rage and as I mentioned you might have a slight escalation for a moment and here they've been yelling and screaming the whole time and as soon as you have any kind of emotion come in,

It's their way to hone in and try to divert the conversation about what you've done wrong and where you're at.

They could also get into team building,

Not in a positive way.

Team building in terms of trying to turn others against you.

Going out and trying to share the story of whatever just went down and of course only sharing it from their perspective.

Probably not sharing the idea or facts that they were just pretty harsh,

Harmful and maybe even aggressively abusive towards their behavior,

Actions and words.

But they will leave that out of course and they will highlight,

Escalate their interpretation of what happened between the two of you.

Often times add in things that maybe you behaved this way or you were out of control and you were yelling and screaming and you know trying to get this team so that they can feel a little bit better about themselves and their behavior.

They also might get into the apology cycle and this is the I'm sorrys that really don't mean anything.

Think about what I'm sorry means.

I'm sorry does not mean I'm sorry until the next time I do this.

And then I'm going to do it again and then I'm going to calm down and I'm sorry until the next time I do this.

Then what is I'm sorry?

It's just like words throwing it around.

You might as well just speak nonsense,

Jibber jabber that isn't even a word because it's the same thing.

If you keep saying sorry and you keep doing the same thing,

Save your breath and save your words because sorry doesn't mean anything if you're not going to do something with the I'm sorry.

I'm sorry is supposed to mean I have reflected,

I understand the hurt,

I understand my behaviors were not appropriate and I am working deeply on not allowing that to happen again.

I understand and respect your boundaries and will not cross them even if I do not see them the same way through my own lens.

That's an I'm sorry,

Not I'm sorry and repeat and I'm sorry and repeat.

And then they can also get into the cycle of over emphasizing so maybe gift buying,

You know,

Taking you out to somewhere special to make you feel better after they've just kind of tried to demolish and sabotage your self worth.

And then they can also just pretend that ignore can come at the end also.

So they'll just like ignore and pretend like everything didn't just happen.

They'll calm down and then a couple hours later or the next day they're just like,

Oh,

How's your day?

How are you doing?

Do you want to go for a walk today?

As though,

You know,

You guys weren't just in this discussion that led to this absolute,

You know,

Toxic interchange that happened.

So they'll just ignore and minimize and act irresponsible or non accountable for what just happened or just pretend it didn't even happen and just expect you to just move right along with them.

Sorry,

Another thing to keep in mind with this,

I just got lost in my brain there for a second.

Another thing to keep in mind with this is that sometimes when I'm talking with people and working with people through these dynamics,

They'll bring in terms like gaslighting and narcissists.

And I understand that some of what we're talking about here can certainly fall into those categories of things.

But what is important to keep in mind here is that it is not important to label any of these.

It's not important to label,

Am I being gaslighted?

Is this person a narcissist?

It's important to open up your awareness to the patterns in front of you,

To what's happening in front of you and the truth in front of you.

And allow yourself permission to set these boundaries in a healthy way and recognize if someone has these toxic behaviors towards you.

And maybe those boundaries might even escalate to needing to sever the relationship and no longer have communication.

Some things that block us from this challenging situation when we're working on setting boundaries with people who are a bit pushy are our own fear,

And this can be fear about their emotions and their behaviors towards us,

Especially if they are abusive.

And again,

Remembering that there's help out there to get out of those cycles as well in a safe way.

But we can also fear our own emotion.

We might have our own struggle.

You know,

Sometimes for many people,

Our body will start kind of wanting to respond in an elevated way,

Whether it be because we're anxious about the situation and nervous.

Maybe this is something even new for us trying to set this boundary.

So we're a little uncertain.

But we also might fear because we ourselves might have this like escalation in ourself to want to respond in an angry cycle also in our own body system and trying to figure out in that moment,

How do I stay calm when someone's pushing or someone's disrespecting me or someone's yelling at me?

How do I not yell back?

Because now I'm just in it.

I'm in it deep if I'm yelling back.

If I get in where they want me to go,

You know,

It's just as you probably know from your own experiences with those around you,

It's non-productive and nothing really gets done.

And now you're talking about a bunch of different stuff and none of those things are going to be addressed because nobody's respecting each other.

So you know,

Sometimes we fear,

Am I going to get pulled in?

Am I going to just get just as reactive,

Just as responsive?

Do I have maybe resentment piling up because this is something I've wanted to address?

And so we can fear our own emotions.

And when we have that,

Keep in mind the body is our anchor and can be a great tool in this.

And it might take some practice,

But it's like thinking in terms of making sure we're breathing,

You know,

Back to that just simple breath work,

Like how am I breathing,

Making sure we're supporting our body through breath and we're not holding our breath,

But also noticing do I need to release my own body in that nonverbal way?

Am I holding this tension and this frustration up in my shoulders?

Am I clenching my jaw and my fists?

Am I,

You know,

Having these short,

Shallow breaths that are elevating my own heart rate,

Making me feel like I want to respond in anger and letting yourself connect to it and breathe through it.

So taking slow,

Steady breaths,

Not like a,

That's just going to give the person something to again hone in on and,

You know,

Try to use against you like,

Oh,

Look,

There you're sighing.

So it's not like that kind of breath.

It's,

You know,

Just letting yourself breathe as you're doing this,

Giving yourself permission to pause.

You don't have to respond right back immediately when someone says something,

Giving yourself a five or seven or 10 second pause before you respond.

And that's going to help that calm down some.

Also recognizing too that sometimes we can have guilt.

Sometimes this guilt is what this,

You know,

Pushy person in this example is trying to place on us.

So they'll try to make us feel shameful or guilt or unworthy of the boundaries that we're trying to set,

Telling you things like you're oversensitive or,

You know,

You're crazy or sometimes even they'll try to blame you for their own path of destruction or chaotic nature in their life or their own elevation and lack of control over their emotions.

They'll try to even place that blame on you.

Sometimes we have to deal with trying to set boundaries with individuals in our life who are struggling with some pretty dark stuff like addictions.

And in the addiction cycle,

Those individuals have some malfunctioning in a lot of ways happening in the brain due to the things that they're putting in their body system.

So they're not able to rationally clearly think in a concrete way.

And they're also not in a healthy place that they're willing to take accountability for their own behaviors oftentimes when they're in an addiction.

So that's a huge element.

Well,

They will try to place that blame on others around them.

And if you're someone close to them,

And you're trying to set boundaries for yourself,

Then you'll be an easy kind of target for that,

That blame,

You know.

So be on the lookout for that and recognizing that you are not the blame for any of those things,

How people react,

How they digest your boundaries,

If they are having suffering and struggling or addictions,

And they react in angry cycles because that's often what comes with addiction.

They don't have emotional stability.

You still need to set boundaries.

And that doesn't mean you're not compassionate and empathetic if they're working through suffering or darkness in their life.

You are still human and worthy and have a right to be treated with respect.

And if people can't respect your boundaries and treat you in a respectful way,

And they struggle say with angry communication cycles,

That's not your job to fix it.

They can do the work,

They can figure out if they want to or don't want to do that.

But you also have a choice to figure out if you want to or do not want to accept that in your life.

I am not going to share a bunch of my story,

You know,

Just due to things,

But I can say,

As I've mentioned before,

That I have my own past of angry cycles and how I've had to learn a lot in terms of how to control my own anger.

I wasn't given tools or techniques.

I just come from a family system that can connect very easily to anger as their method of communication and some other things,

Many of those that I just listed among some other things as a way to try to gain control and domination over situations and communication and connecting.

And so that was my automatic oftentimes.

And then as I mentioned before,

As we talked about in the anxious body cycle,

I,

You know,

I have what's called complex PTSD.

And so it's just I've had different layers of trauma in my life.

And when that can kind of get elevated a bit in the body system,

If there's like an elevation of anxiety or an elevation of anger going up that ladder,

It's going to remind my body of previous experiences too that I need to get into my go-to was fight mode.

So I need to get into fight mode and respond in an angry way as well.

So sometimes our body too is used to old patterns of our own response cycle,

And we need to kind of train it and work through it and have patience and compassion towards ourself,

That it's a kind of work in progress.

And knowing that we can get through that and we can break the cycle and we can respond and react and communicate and connect in a different way.

And in that,

Recognizing you're going to be as you get healthier,

You're going to be less tolerable of people treating you in a non-healthy way.

You're going to get more skilled at setting boundaries and realizing that sometimes it has to be with people close to you in your life.

And sometimes you might realize that you really have a lot of learning to do because you weren't taught the things you needed,

And that's okay,

We're not blaming.

We have an opportunity to learn different.

I came from a family line of deep enablers and deep struggles with darkness and addiction.

I've had two uncles die from drug overdoses among many other sad stories of stuff like that in my family lineage.

Again,

And I'm not going to share on a podcast,

But a lot of stuff there.

And we have to realize and recognize we can break the cycles.

We don't have to become what we think we are because of what other people in our life and our history were and are.

We are our own self and we can learn new tools and we can break patterns and we can break cycles.

You just have to allow yourself permission to do so with patience and loving kindness and compassion.

So the last thing here I want to do is just teach you a communication technique of something that you can use when you're trying to set these boundaries with pushy people in your life or people who have a difficult time really listening when we're trying to communicate.

This skill is a skill that's used in dialectical behavior therapy,

But it's called the Dear Man Technique.

And Dear Man is an acronym that I'm going to describe to you.

In this description,

I'm going to go through the technique.

I'm going to use two examples.

One is someone's trying to get a raise and one is someone is trying to say no to a friend who needs a ride.

So we'll go through the acronym and then I'll use those two examples as a way to describe it as we go through it.

So again,

This is an interpersonal effectiveness technique that's used in dialectical behavior therapy as a way that we can more effectively communicate and allow these boundaries and to stay firm in our communication when people try to kind of use some of those tactics we talked about to divert us away from where we're at and the truth we're trying to put forth.

So in Dear Man,

The D is describe.

You're going to describe the situation and just sticking to the facts,

Not having any judgmental statements or emotions added initially,

You're just going to concretely describe the situation.

In the example of the raise,

It would sound like I've been working here for two years now and haven't received a raise even though my performance reviews have always been positive.

In the example with the ride,

It would sound something like this is the third time this week that you've asked me for a ride home.

So you can hear we're just describing,

We're not adding anything additional in there.

The E in Dear Man is express.

This is where we're going to express our feelings and opinions about the situation clearly,

Describing how you feel or what you believe about the situation,

Remembering if you're using feel statements,

It's I feel anxious,

Not you make me feel.

So take accountability and responsibility for your own feelings.

I feel,

Not you make me anything.

But you're going to express these feelings,

Opinions about the situation clearly,

Describing how you feel or what you believe about the situation,

Not expecting the other person to read your mind or know how you want or what you want from them.

So being brief,

But also allowing some clarity.

So in the raise,

I believe that I deserve a raise.

And in the other example with the ride,

I'm getting home so late that it is really hard for me and my family,

But I also really enjoy giving you rides home and it's hard for me to say no.

So there in that second example,

Also bringing in the awareness that it's hard for them to say no,

That they might struggle with people pleasing behavior.

So they're even identifying like it's hard for me to say no,

But they're also saying no.

And so the assert in dear man.

So we got the D describe E express a assert.

And this is where you're going to assert your wishes,

Ask for what you want and say no clearly.

Don't expect the other person to know what you want.

Again,

They are not mind readers and don't tell others what they should do.

Going back to I think it was what the thoughts,

What your thoughts have to do with that episode and maybe emotional ladders,

Not adding in shoulds,

That's just going to escalate the situation or whys.

Remember no why questions escalation.

So don't tell them what they should do.

Don't beat around the bush,

Just get to the point,

Be direct and assertive and what you're trying to say.

Don't use passive aggressive communication,

For example,

And think that they're going to read your mind and they should figure out what's between the lines.

So in the raise,

It would be,

I would like a raise.

Can you give that to me?

And in the ride,

But I have to say no tonight.

I can't give you rides home so often.

So again,

Just asserting concretely,

Not giving a lot of wiggle room in the in between.

And then that R in the dear man is reinforce.

So you're going to reward people who respond positively to you when you ask for something.

And also say,

Say,

Sorry.

And then sometimes you can also try to reinforce the situation before they even respond.

So kind of following up with a thank you before they have an opportunity to try to push back again.

With the raise example,

It would sound like I will be a lot happier and probably more productive if I get a salary that reflects my value to the company.

And then in the ride example,

It would sound like thanks for being so patient or excuse me,

Thanks for being so understanding.

I really appreciate it.

So I'm going to just kind of go through that whole flow real quick of that communication thread.

So in the raise with the dear part of this communication,

It would sound like this.

I've been working here for two years now and haven't received a raise,

Even though my performance reviews have always been positive.

I believe that I deserve a raise and I would really like a raise.

Can you give it to me?

I would be a lot happier and probably more productive if I get a salary that reflects my value to the company.

So you're just,

That's all one flow of communication,

Really just trying to highlight it without any long pauses to let them even come through.

You're just stating your truth assertively and what your boundaries or what your needs are in this moment.

The example with the ride,

This is the third time this week that you've asked me for a ride home.

I'm getting home so late that it's really hard for me and my family,

But I also really enjoy giving you rides home and it's hard for me to say no,

But I have to say no tonight.

I can't give you rides home so often.

Thanks for being so understanding.

I really appreciate it.

Again,

Straight flow through.

So that's the dear part of the dear man.

The man piece is how we want to kind of present in this communication.

So the M in man is staying mindful.

So mindful communication and being mindful in this communication.

There's two different techniques you can use here.

First off,

Keeping in mind that the mindful part of communication,

You want to not bring in the backpacks,

You're not bringing in books,

You're staying present in what exactly is happening in this communication.

Not what happened last week,

Not what happened yesterday,

Not what you think is going to happen tomorrow,

Not what you think you think they think or what they really said isn't what they said.

Just stay present in what's happening in front of you.

This mindful communications communication.

And then these two techniques you can use is when people try to distract us or take us off track or use some of those strategies that we went over a little bit ago.

The first is the broken record.

Just repeat exactly what you said.

You don't need to think about something new.

You know,

It's like just say what you said.

Again,

The broken record.

I think most of you probably know what that means.

How if a record is broken,

It'll skip and just keep going over the same track.

So the broken record,

You're just going to keep saying the same thing over and over,

Keeping a mellow tone of your voice.

Your strength comes from maintaining your position.

So you don't have to escalate,

You don't have to yell in the second time you say it.

You're saying it just in a maintained position of confidence.

And the second part of the man is about that.

So the A is to appear confident.

So you want to be confident in your tone of voice,

Confident in your physical manner,

Having appropriate eye contact,

No stammering,

Whispering or staring at the floor.

How confident to act in the situation is that balance.

You want to become or appear arrogant or posturing in a way of,

You know,

Aggressive type of posture but remaining confident.

And then to back up for a second,

Sorry,

I jumped right into confidence there because,

Yeah,

I think I mentioned I just kind of put down like little bullet points when I do these so sometimes I get off track,

Sorry.

So when this mindful communication,

We had those two techniques of distraction,

The one is that broken record.

And then the second technique in staying in mindful communication is to ignore.

As we heard in the earlier part of this episode,

Sometimes people can really use some manipulative tactics to try to get us off track and away and completely even forget what we're talking about sometimes.

So this ignore tactic is when they try to do stuff like that.

Like if they're trying to escalate or bring in a different topic or maybe they're even trying name calling,

You're going to ignore it and maybe use the broken record and repeat yourself again.

But you're going to save that to address maybe in an hour or maybe like as things cool down.

But you're not going to address it at that time because it's just a divergent tactic.

So if,

For example,

They're disrespectful and name calling,

You're going to ignore it and then maybe as things cool down two hours later,

So hey,

When we were talking earlier,

I really felt disrespected.

I'm not okay with that type of language towards me or name calling any longer.

So let's talk about what we're going to do about that.

And then again,

Maybe establishing another communication on boundaries and using this technique with another topic.

So you can address it later.

Don't allow it to get you off kilter to pull in stuff from your own backpack or accept backpack stuff from others.

It's just a tactic of manipulation to get you off track.

So sorry about that confusion of jumping so that mindful communication,

Remember being present those two techniques,

Broken record and ignore.

And then the A in the man is appear confident,

Confident tone of voice,

Physical manner,

Appropriate eye contact.

Thinking about how when you see someone in a confident communication,

How did they present to you?

What do you notice?

Be that.

And then the N in man is negotiate.

So be willing to give a little,

Have some wiggle room and negotiation offer or ask for some alternative solutions,

Reduce your requests maybe that you're having,

But maintain your no.

And then you can also use the helpful skill here of turning the tables,

Putting it back on the other person to come up with the solution.

In that example of the ride,

It would be,

You know,

Maybe something like I'm not able to say yes.

It sounds like you really are in need of a ride.

What are some other options you might be able to look at?

So you're not taking responsibility for finding that answer.

Some quick little added pointers here.

We might be trying this technique or communication and boundaries with people who have really some high skills in manipulation and aggression and passive aggressive communication.

So if you're finding a really high challenge here with some times when you're trying to set these boundaries,

Some other techniques and tools to bring in here in this dear man skill is describing the current interaction in that describe part.

So in the describe part,

You know,

When you're going through this,

You might have to go back again to describe and describe the current interaction.

Something like you keep asking me over and over again,

Even though I've already said no,

You don't want to blame the other person.

Don't say things like you don't,

Aren't listening.

You know,

It's just concretely again in that describe,

You're just describing the current interactions.

You're kind of going back to the beginning of the technique again when things are escalating.

And then in the E in express,

You're going to express your opinions,

Feelings,

Or discomfort about the interaction.

So something like I'm not sure that you're understanding what I am asking or I'm starting to feel angry about this conversation.

And then in the asserting your wishes,

Letting yourself end the conversation if needed.

When the other person's refusing requests,

Suggest that you put off the conversation to another time or give the person another chance to think about it.

But the more person is pestering you,

Tell them to stop,

Allow yourself to stop the communication if it is non-productive and you are not being respected.

Again,

These boundaries are important to stay firm.

And if at any time you are feeling attacked or disrespected,

It is completely appropriate to end the communication.

You want to again in the R reinforce when saying no to someone who keeps asking,

Suggest you end the conversation because they're not going to change your mind about this.

These things help in terms of establishing our own healthy boundaries.

We all have a right to these boundaries.

We all have a right to not be belittled or disrespected for our opinions,

Our feelings and our thoughts to be respected.

Again,

The person does not have to agree and see the things the same way we see them,

But we also have to have boundaries respected.

And if that is not something that someone is able or willing to do,

Then it is totally appropriate to discontinue the conversation or communication or sometimes even the relationship.

That does not mean you're not empathetic and compassionate about suffering that they are going through,

But it also means that you love and respect yourself and know that you are worthy of healthiness in your life.

You cannot be responsible for the ways that other people digest and work through the boundaries that you set.

You can only be responsible for yourself and how you stay firm within them.

And remembering that if you are in an abusive cycle,

Please reach out for help through a local counselor,

Your emergency room crisis line,

The domestic abuse hotline.

There are lots of different resources and tools around to help you.

I hope that you have found this helpful today and these skills and techniques can again assist you in working on establishing and setting these healthy boundaries for yourself.

If you have any questions or want to provide some feedback,

Certainly send me an email.

Right now the best email to use would be info at Serenity Wellness Center,

C-e-n-t-r-e dot com.

And then also you can check us out at SerenityWellnessCenter.

Com and SerenityWellnessTools.

Com.

Thanks so much and I look forward to sharing some time and space with you again soon.

Have a good one!

Reviews

Nicole:
While I appreciate all of your podcasts, unfortunately this might be even better than most! I am sorry you experienced any of that. Join the club. Thank you for sharing. Everything you said was spot on. I would add the following to anyone else who this podcast resonated with:
1. Verbal and emotional abuse might be fuzzy. However, there is a bright line. As soon as someone touches you physically (not even “hurts” you) then that is it. Involve law enforcement immediately.
2. When you are encountering anything that Nicole mentioned, then document it. Memories are not admissible as evidence. However contemporaneous notes (such as a date and time stamped email to your self) are. It also helps you process things, like journaling.
3. Google “the impact of direct and indirect communication”. Cynthia Joyce wrote a great article on it.

Take care. Neil 😀☯️

Wow, incredible. Just what I needed to gain a foundation for how to establish some clearer boundaries with those around me. (I understood boundaries to be healthy behavior, I just didn't know how to respond when others "pushed back.") I am so happy I stumbled upon this on Insight Timer and grateful to you for sharing this information from your experience and your heart. I will check out your website!

I'm so happy to have found you here. I've listened to two podcasts already and they are so helpful. Thank you so very much!! 💜

EXCELLENT guidance❣️ Thank you for sharing these important methods for interpersonal relationships. 🙏🏻💕

This is your first podcast that I came across and I found it very beneficial. I’m eager to look for and listen to your previous podcasts. I found your simple communication skills and use of everyday language very helpful. Thank you.

Very insightful! Thank you so much. Now if I can only try to actually implement your suggestions. 😊