What Is Self-Compassion?

This is an 18 minute talk about what Self-Compassion is and what Self-Compassion is not. I talk about how we sometimes want to let ourselves off the hook from doing things we don't necessarily want to do and we label it as "self-compassion" Having compassion for another first means that you are in touch with their suffering. Self-compassion works in much the same way in that it involves recognizing our own suffering when we're having a tough time, when we fail, etc.

Transcript

Welcome to the Life Illuminated Podcast.

I'm Maggie Kelley.

I'm your host.

And today I'm going to chat with you a little bit about what self-compassion is and what it's not.

So settle in for about 15 minutes for a little chat about self-compassion.

Really having compassion for yourself is really not a lot different than having compassion for other people.

Think about what the experience of compassion actually feels like.

First to have compassion for other people,

You have to notice that they're suffering,

Right?

If you ignore that homeless person on the street,

You really can't feel compassion for how difficult his or her experience probably is.

Secondly,

Compassion involves feeling moved by someone else's suffering so that your heart actually starts to respond to their pain.

The word compassion actually means to suffer with.

Just as an aside there.

So when we're able to be moved by another's suffering,

We feel warmth and caring and a desire to help the suffering person in some way.

And having compassion also means that you offer understanding and kindness to others when they fail or make mistakes instead of judging them harshly.

And finally,

When you feel compassion for another rather than just pity,

It means that you realize that suffering and failure and imperfection are part of the shared human experience.

Self-compassion involves acting the same way towards yourself when you're having a difficult time or you fail or you notice something you don't like about yourself.

So instead of just ignoring your pain with a quote stiff upper lip kind of mentality,

You can stop yourself and just admit this is really difficult right now or I'm really hurting or I don't feel right.

How can I comfort and care for myself in this moment?

So instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings,

Self-compassion means you're kind and understanding when you're confronted or looking at your personal failings.

Who's supposed to be perfect anyway?

Short of your ideals.

That's part of what it means to be human.

It's a shared reality for all of us.

The more you open your heart to that as the reality instead of constantly fighting against it,

The more you're going to be able to feel compassion for yourself and all of your fellow humans in this experience of life.

So I'm just going to give you three elements of self-compassion.

So first is self-compassion versus self-judgment.

Self-compassion entails being warm and understanding towards ourselves when we suffer and fail or feel inadequate as opposed to ignoring our pain or you know,

Beating ourselves up with self-criticism.

Self-compassion is a way of being perfect and feeling that you're not perfect.

Self-compassion is a way of being perfect.

Self-compassion is a way of being perfect.

Self-compassion is a way of being perfect.

People can't always be or get exactly what they want.

When this reality is denied or you fight against it,

All you do is increase your suffering and it shows up in the form of stress and self-criticism and frustration.

But when we accept the reality with sympathy and kindness,

Then we have greater emotional equanimity.

The second thing is common humanity versus isolation.

And there's a frustration at not having things exactly the way we want to and it's accompanied by an irrational but a pervasive sense of isolation as if I were the only person suffering or making mistakes.

All human beings suffer.

The very definition of being human means that one is mortal and vulnerable and imperfect.

So then self-compassion involves recognizing that suffering and personal inadequacy is part of the shared human experience.

Something that we all go through rather than being something that just happens to me alone.

And then the third thing is mindfulness versus over-identification.

Over-identification also requires that we take a balanced approach to our negative emotions so that feelings aren't suppressed nor are they exaggerated.

So when we reach in equilibrium,

It comes from the process of relating to our personal experiences and those of others who are also suffering.

And then we can put our own situation into a much better larger perspective.

It also comes from the willingness to start to look at the negative thoughts and emotions with some kind of openness and clarity as opposed to running away from them or pretending they're not there.

So when we do this,

When we are able to observe our negative thoughts and emotions,

We can hold them with mindful awareness.

And mindfulness is non-judgmental.

It's a receptive mind state in where one observes their thoughts and feelings just as they are without trying to suppress them or deny them.

At the same time,

Mindfulness does require that we not be over-identified with our thoughts and feelings so that we don't get caught up and swept away with negative reactivity.

So that's what compassion is.

And now I'm going to talk a little bit about what compassion is not.

Self-compassion is not self-pity because when individuals start to feel self-pity,

They become totally immersed in their own problems and they forget that others have similar problems.

Sometimes they ignore their inner connections with others and instead feel that they're the only ones in the world who are suffering.

Self-pity tends to emphasize ecocentric feelings of being separate from another and also can help us exaggerate the extent of our own personal suffering.

And yet self-compassion,

On the other hand,

Allows us to see the related experience of ourselves and others without these feelings of isolation and disconnection.

Self-pitting individuals often become carried away and wrapped up in their own emotional drama.

They can't step back from their situation and adopt a more balanced or objective perspective.

Instead,

By taking the perspective of a compassionate other towards oneself,

The mental space is provided to recognize the broader human context of your experience and to put it in a bigger perspective.

Yes,

It's very difficult,

What I'm going through right now,

But there are many other people who are experiencing much greater suffering.

Perhaps this isn't worth getting quite so worked up about,

You know,

Having that be the thought.

Next is,

You know,

Self-compassion is not self-indulgence.

I can't tell you how many people I meet who have that misperception that if I take care of myself and I'm,

You know,

Go to sleep when I'm tired or I eat when I'm hungry or I take care of myself that somehow that's,

You know,

Overindulging.

But self-compassion is very different from self-indulgence.

Many people say they're reluctant to be self-compassion because they're afraid that they would let themselves get away with anything.

I'm stressed out today so to be kind to myself I'll just watch TV all day and eat a quart of ice cream.

But this really is self-indulgent and not self-compassion.

Being compassionate to yourself means that you want to be happy and healthy in the long term.

And in many cases just giving yourself pleasure may harm well-being like taking drugs or overeating or sitting on the couch as opposed to giving yourself health and lasting happiness,

Which often can involve a certain amount of displeasure like quitting smoking,

Losing weight,

Doing a lot of exercise you don't feel like doing,

Right?

People are often very hard on themselves when they notice something that they want to change because they think they can shame themselves into action.

That's just,

You know,

Getting the bad out and beating yourself up.

And that approach is going to backfire if you just can't face the truth about yourself because you're so afraid of hating yourself if you do.

So the weaknesses may remain unacknowledged in an unconscious attempt to avoid self-centure.

And so in contrast,

The care intrinsic to compassion provides a really powerful motivating force for growth and change.

But all at the same time,

It provides the safety needed to see the self clearly without the fear of self-condemnation.

And then lastly,

Self-compassion is not self-esteem.

Self-compassion might seem similar to self-esteem.

They're very different in different in many ways.

Self-esteem really refers to our sense of self-worth,

Our perceived value,

Or how much we like ourselves.

While there's very little doubt that low self-esteem is a problem and can lead to depression and a lack of motivation,

Trying to have higher self-esteem is also going to be a problem.

In modern Western culture,

Self-esteem is often based on how much we are different from others,

How much we stand out and how much we're special.

It's not okay to be average.

We have to feel above average to feel good about ourselves.

And this means that the attempts to raise self-esteem are probably going to result in a sort of narcissistic self-absorbed behavior or maybe even lead us to put down others in order to make ourselves feel better about ourselves.

We also tend to get angry and aggressive to those who have said or done anything that potentially makes us feel bad about ourselves.

This high need for self-esteem might even encourage us to ignore or distort or hide our personal shortcomings so we can't really see ourselves clearly and accurately.

And finally,

Our self-esteem is often contingent on the latest success or failure,

Meaning that our self-esteem fluctuates depending on the ever-changing circumstances.

But in contrast to self-esteem,

Self-compassion isn't based on your self-evaluations.

People feel compassion for themselves because all human beings deserve compassion and understanding,

Not because they possess some particular set of traits like being pretty or smart or talented or whatever.

This means that with self-compassion,

You don't have to feel better than others to feel good about yourself.

Self-compassion also gives you greater self-clarity because your personal feelings can be acknowledged with kindness and they don't need to be hidden.

And self-compassion isn't dependent on external circumstances.

It's always available,

Especially when you fall flat on your face.

So I'm hoping this has given a little clarity to this idea of self-compassion,

What it is and what it's not.

Research has shown that in comparison to self-esteem,

Self-compassion is associated with a much greater emotional resilience,

More accurate self-concept and more caring relationship behavior as well as less reactive anger and narcissism.

All good reasons to be self-compassionate.

Going forward,

I'll provide a few tips and tricks and maybe even a self-compassion meditation for you to try in the interim.

It was great to chat and I will chat with you soon.

Thanks for joining us today on the Life Illuminated podcast.

I'm Maggie Kelly,

Your host.

If you'd like to connect with me,

Just look for me at maggiekelly.

Com.

And then in the meantime,

See if you can practice self-compassion.

Until we meet again,

Have a beautiful day and here's to a life illuminated.

Take care.