The Courage To Be Authentic

Most of us develop a persona in front of others, a persona that is different from our true selves. Such inauthenticity leads to problems in the long run. These problems include unhealthy boundaries, low self-confidence, low self-worth, and a life controlled or influenced by others. Through this talk, Saqib will tell you how you can overcome your fears around authenticity using four tools.
If you like the talk, check out his course "Shadow Work For Healing" here on Insight Timer.

Transcript

Hello and welcome to this talk which is called the Courage to be Authentic and today we will talk about how to develop that courage to be authentic.

What does it mean to be authentic and how do we become authentic?

How do we practice more authenticity?

So to first tell you about what does it mean to be authentic,

We have to understand that we mostly function inauthentically,

Most of us.

I'm not saying every one of us but most of us,

When we go out into the world,

We wear on a mask,

We wear on a persona which might not be our true self and you know which is not our true self and we develop this persona,

This outer personality so that we can please others,

So that others can be you know attracted towards us,

So that we develop social connections.

Now this is a tribal behavior because in ancient times when our ancestors were hunters and gatherers,

They had to please people,

They had to please the tribe because if they don't please the tribe,

They won't be a part of that tribe and then they will be thrown out of the tribe and it will be difficult for their survival because then they will be eaten by a wild animal or you know killed by another tribe.

So people had to please others at that time.

The more pleasing someone is,

Higher are the chances for survival.

But this is not true anymore today,

It's not about our survival but still we go on pretending who we are not and trying to please others and this is because of other reasons.

For example,

If I want to you know climb the social ladder,

Then I will be pleasing in social gatherings.

If I want to climb the corporate ladder,

Then in my office I will be you know an efficient,

Pleasing personality.

But that takes away our authenticity and we you know at some point of time,

We truly forget who we are and we just you know we just become that person that we are pretending to be.

And this is not something wrong or right,

It's just a human behavior.

It's just how we mostly human beings behave.

But it takes a lot of courage to be authentic.

It takes a lot of courage to say what you believe in,

To stand in your truth,

To do what you love to do,

To wear whatever you want to wear,

To you know to say whatever you want to say,

To show whatever expressions you want to show,

To lead a life that you want to lead versus leading someone you know,

Leading a life which others expect you to lead.

So this is what the courage to be authentic is.

And today I will share four tools for becoming more authentic.

These four tools have helped me tremendously personally in my life and I'm hoping that these will be really helpful for you in your life.

So here are the four tools to be authentic.

Number one,

Deconditioning.

Number two,

Self-discovery.

Number three,

Shadow work.

And number four,

Truthfulness.

So let's begin with the first one,

Deconditioning.

What does it mean to decondition?

Now as we are born,

We go through a process called social conditioning.

We are conditioned to behave in a certain way.

You know,

For example,

When you are born,

We are given a particular name,

We are given a particular identity,

A religion.

And then we are told that how to,

You know,

Live our life.

How to become that successful person.

And I call this success conditioning,

That you are told that if you have to be successful,

Then you have to do these,

These things.

This is how you have to live your life.

And that's what we try to do.

And,

You know,

We are given a checklist that if you do these,

These,

These things,

Then you will be a successful person.

Otherwise,

You won't be a successful person.

And that checklist includes getting good grades,

Getting good grades in the school,

Finding a good university,

Finding a good job,

Or,

You know,

Earning a lot of money,

Raising a family,

Having kind of a lifestyle that is pre-decided,

Pre-fixed by the society,

That this is how you are supposed to live.

Now what happens with most of us is we,

Because of this conditioning,

And because we don't want to go against the society,

We end up doing those things and living a life how the society expects us to live.

But to be authentic is to not subscribe to that checklist and to do whatever you want to do,

To lead your life the way you want to lead.

And for that,

Deconditioning is required.

We need to decondition ourselves.

And what does it mean?

It means to overcome the conditioning that we have been through,

To ask questions,

To question everything that has been told to you.

For example,

Is it really necessary for me to work in a 9-6 job?

Why can't I start something of my own?

For example,

Is it really necessary for me to get married?

Maybe I don't want to get married.

Maybe I want to lead a different kind of life,

Or maybe I just want to have a partner,

Not necessarily get married.

Whatever you want to do,

You know,

You decide.

These are just a few examples.

You decide how you want to live.

That's your authenticity.

And to develop that courage to be authentic,

We'll have to question everything that has been told to us.

We have to question,

You know,

All that checklist that the society has given us,

That you should do this,

This,

This,

And that.

And once you question all that conditioning,

That why should I do this?

You know,

Is this for me or not?

I will lead my life the way I want to lead.

Once you question everything that has been told to you,

That's what deconditioning is.

The second step is self-discovery.

Now,

To be authentic,

First of all,

You will have to know that who are you,

Right?

How can I be authentic if I don't know myself,

If I don't know who I am,

If I am not self-aware?

And the only way to be self-aware is to spend time in solitude.

Because till the time when we are with others,

We don't know who we are.

We are defined by others.

You know,

I'm a brother,

I'm a daughter,

I'm a son.

I'm an employee,

I'm a doctor,

I'm this,

I'm that.

All these labels are given to us by others.

But if all these labels are taken away from you,

Then who are you?

You know,

Who are you?

What are your top values?

What are your ethics?

What are your morals?

Who are you deep down?

What kind of a life you want to lead?

You know,

What are your passions?

What is it that you really want to do in this lifetime?

All these questions can only be answered when we are self-aware.

And self-aware can only happen,

True self-awareness can only happen in solitude,

When you are spending time with yourself.

And that's how you discover yourself.

You eventually discover who you are.

And only when you discover who you are,

Can you be authentic.

You know,

That's the only way to be authentic.

So,

It's better to at least live for a few years with yourself.

If you can't do that,

At least live for a few months by yourself.

If you even can't do that,

At least start spending some days alone.

Even if you can't do that,

At least start having some time,

You know,

A few hours in a day when you can be alone by yourself.

And spending time in solitude,

Getting to know yourself.

It's so important to be in solitude.

Without solitude,

Self-awareness cannot happen.

And without self-awareness,

We cannot be authentic.

The third step is shadow work.

Now,

What does it mean to do shadow work?

The shadow is the disowned part of our personality.

It is that part of our personality which we have suppressed deep down,

Which we dislike in some way,

Which we don't accept in some way.

Now,

How is this shadow developed?

It is mostly developed in the childhood.

When you want to do something and others judge you for doing that and you suppress that part of your personality and you don't do that.

And you start yourself disliking that part of your personality.

So you,

You know,

You don't do that.

You suppress that personality.

It becomes your shadow.

It becomes hidden inside you.

And shadow work,

You know,

That's a part of you that was authentic in your childhood.

But now it's not there anymore because you think that it is wrong somehow.

But you will be truly authentic when you bring out that shadow,

When you embrace that part of you.

Because it might not be wrong.

It might not be evil,

That part of you which has been suppressed.

It might have a lot of strengths.

Now,

One of the common examples of this is,

For example,

Someone who is emotional,

Someone who cries a lot.

You know,

A lot of times what happens is when parents are not emotionally,

You know,

When they don't understand emotional wellness,

What they would do is,

If a child is crying,

They would tell the child that,

You know,

Stop crying,

Otherwise I will give you a reason to cry.

Or they will tell you that,

You know,

Go to your room and fix yourself up and come back with a smile on your face.

Don't be a crybaby.

Now this happens a lot,

You know,

In families.

In families,

Parents,

Because of their own issues,

They don't want the child to be emotional or to cry,

And they suppress that.

And you know,

What happens eventually is that the child learns this behavior and the child thinks that,

Oh,

Maybe it's somehow wrong to express emotions.

And the child stops expressing emotions.

And we learn the art of suppressing emotions,

Which,

You know,

Which in the longer run causes us more trouble,

Because now we don't know how to deal with our emotions.

There are so many bottled up emotions,

Suppressed emotions.

And in the long run,

These emotions cause us,

You know,

Stress,

Anxiety or depression.

So it's so important to be in touch with our emotions,

Right?

It's so important to be emotionally intelligent,

To have that emotional health,

Emotional wellness.

And that,

You know,

That can be done when you integrate that part of you that has been suppressed.

Now,

Shadow work,

You know,

There are a lot of courses and books on shadow work.

This session is not enough for me to go deeper into this.

So I would suggest you to,

You know,

Look up those resources through which you can do shadow work.

But shadow work is an essential part of having,

Developing the courage to be more authentic.

The fourth step is truthfulness.

Now,

What does it mean to be truthful?

It means that you always live in your truth.

It means that you always ask this question to yourself,

What is my truth here?

For example,

If you go out and you meet your friends and your friends are doing something,

Let's say,

You know,

They are gossiping about someone.

Now you ask yourself here,

What is my truth?

Do I really want to gossip about that person?

Do I really want to talk about this?

And mostly we don't ask this question.

We are affected by our peer group.

We start doing the same things.

We start behaving in the same way.

So if my friends are gossiping,

I will start gossiping.

If my friends are drinking too much,

I will start drinking too much.

But this behavior has to be avoided because now when we do that,

We are not being authentic.

We are just doing what our friends are doing.

We are just,

You know,

Getting pressurized by this peer pressure.

So what I need to do is,

I need to ask this question every time I meet others.

What is my truth?

If these people are doing this thing,

Do I need to do this?

What is my truth?

If these people have a certain belief system,

Do I need to have that belief system?

Or do I have the courage to speak my truth here?

When you ask this question,

What is my truth?

You do whatever is truthful to you.

That's the courage to be authentic.

When someone asks you that,

Do you want to go somewhere?

Do you want to go outside?

Do you want to go with me here?

Do you have the courage to say no when you don't want to?

You ask yourself,

What is my truth here?

Am I doing this just because of this person?

Or is this my truth?

When someone tells you something that you don't like,

Do you have the courage to tell them that you don't like this?

It's about being vulnerable.

You allow yourself to express your truth.

When we don't express our truth,

It's kind of a blockage that we have in our throat chakra that we are not able to express our truth.

Expressing our truth is so important.

You standing in your truth is so important for you to be authentic.

So this is the best tool that I found for myself.

That whenever I meet other people and other people are doing things different from me or they have different belief systems,

Then I would ask myself,

What is my truth here?

And I will speak my truth,

That this is my truth.

For example,

If I don't want to drink,

I don't want to drink.

I don't,

You guys go ahead,

You drink.

But I will not unnecessarily put myself in that situation,

Which I don't want to do.

I won't unnecessarily be pressurized by that group.

So this question has been really helpful for me to develop that courage to be authentic.

And the question is,

What is my truth?

What is my truth?

So I hope that you will develop that courage to be authentic because one thing I can tell you is that your most beautiful self will come out when you are authentic.

Your authenticity is your beauty.

Thank you so much for listening.

Reviews

Wonderful. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on authenticity. This was very helpful.

Great! I needed this reminder especially about speaking my truth and the importance clearing my throat chakra. Thank you Saqib 😊💚🙏🏿.

That was really helpful for understanding an authentic sense of self

Excellent talk Saqib. This really is most helpful to me at this stage of my own journey. I will relisten. Thank you.

Good advice. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on maintaining my balance in this world saqib.

Thanks Saqib- you have helped me so much with shadow work and it’s very reaffirming that I am doing all these things that you talk about. And I’m happier. ✨🤍🙏🦋🌹🕊️🌙

A very important topic about being authentic. It's a profound act in finding the essence of my being. I loved listening to the 4 important life-changing tips.

Thank you, Saqib so much. Pranam 🙏🏻🌅

🌻❤️

Thank you so much, I totally agree with your talk.

I resonate so strongly with this talk. Thank you Saqib for sharing this…. Being true to our inner selves is important and only when we become aware that our authentic self could well be completely different to the projected self can we then begin to delve into our own belief systems and our own perceptions and personalities…..

Thank you so much, a very clear explanation and very helpful! Grateful for your insights Saqib! 🙏💫💖

Excellent guidance on how to access our true authentic self.

Wish you could have elaborated a bit more on Shadow work, I will look into it further, otherwise this was a great talk. Thank you for sharing it, Saqib🙏 Namaste 💚

Thank you Saqib. I enjoy your talks. Everything you say resonates with me.
You have reminded me and helped me be my authentic self.
So grateful to have this platform to listen to you.
Blessing 🥰🙏🏼

Good points to live your life authentically! Thank you kindly for this thoughtful practice! 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏