Healing Self-Worth Issues | IT Live Recording

In this recorded version of Insight Timer Live, Saqib delves into understanding the root of self-worth issues. He then talks about how these issues manifest in our behaviour. Finally, he explains how one can experience a true sense of self-worth. If you like the talk, check out his course on Insight Timer: "Shadow Work For Healing & Authenticity."

Transcript

Now,

It's important to understand that how these self-worth issues,

Where they come from,

And how they manifest.

So,

There are two basic.

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There are a few basic reasons due to which we develop self-worth issues,

And although there are many reasons,

But two major reasons for developing sense of self-worth issues are Abandonment and Abuse.

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Abandonment and Abuse.

Now,

If in your childhood,

You had some form of abandonment.

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Abandonment can be.

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It can be physical abandonment,

Where someone physically left you.

Maybe there was a divorce and separation in the family,

Right?

Maybe there was someone's demise,

Maybe your parents were not there with you.

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Whatever the reason was,

Maybe there was some friend in your school who went to another city and never came back.

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So whatever that abandonment.

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It can be a physical abandonment,

It can be an emotional abandonment,

Where I feel maybe my parents are there with me physically,

But they were not there with me emotionally.

They were so caught up in their own emotional issues,

That they were so caught up in their issues,

Maybe financial issues or relationship issues,

That they never took care of me emotionally.

They never thought about my emotions,

They were not present for my emotions.

It can also be.

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And mostly,

This results in self-abandonment.

Because we were abandoned in our childhood,

Because we were not given importance,

Or we were abandoned in some way,

We start practising self-abandonment,

Which is we start abandoning ourselves.

So then we will put ourselves lower,

We will diminish our needs,

We will always try to abandon ourselves,

We will sacrifice ourselves for others,

Right?

This is when you try to help everyone else,

But you don't help yourself.

This is self-abandonment.

We discussed that yesterday,

The hero archetype,

For those of you who were there in the sessions yesterday,

That we have this kind of this hero archetype inside us,

That I want to liberate others,

But we forget that first person I have to liberate is myself.

So,

We can practise then self-abandonment,

We can abandon ourselves.

Now,

This can create a sense of self-worth issues,

Because if I am abandoned,

I will feel that I am abandoned,

I was abandoned because I'm not good enough.

We do an internalisation here,

We internalise that abandonment.

Someone did not give us importance,

Maybe there is some issue with me,

Right?

Someone left the house,

Maybe.

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A child internalises everything,

And especially from the age 0 to 8,

At that time,

The subconscious of the child is open,

It has still not formed that logical,

Rational mind,

And hence it will internalise everything.

Even if there is a divorce,

A problem with the parents,

You know,

A divorce happened,

The child will think that maybe it is my fault that my parents got separated.

So,

We tend to internalise everything,

And that creates this sense of self-worth issue.

Now,

Another reason due to which we can develop that is abuse.

Let's say there was someone in the family who was controlling,

Who had narcissistic tendencies,

And we talked about this in previous sessions,

I don't label people as narcissists,

But I say that people have narcissistic tendencies,

And there is a difference.

Because I don't want to judge someone for life,

And pass this judgment and declare them as narcissists for life.

No,

Everyone has in some form or the other,

We all have some or the other narcissistic tendencies.

For some it is more,

For some it is less,

But we all have that.

And people change also,

People can change.

So,

Let's not label someone as a narcissist,

But what I am talking about is narcissistic tendencies.

So,

If someone had narcissistic tendencies,

Or someone had a controlling nature,

And if there was abuse,

Then I will also develop self-worth issues.

Because maybe I was told that I am not good enough,

Maybe I was told that I am not beautiful,

Not smart,

Maybe I was told that I am dumb,

Maybe I was told that I cry too much,

And I'm a crybaby,

Whatever that would be,

All these things that parents say to their children,

Most of the times unconsciously,

They have a major impact on children.

We don't realize how we are impacting children.

How each and every word we say to the child is creating the personality of the child,

Is damaging the child.

It can make the child feel good about itself,

But on the other hand,

It can also damage the child,

If we are using harsh words.

But parents mostly are so casual about this,

They don't realize how careful they have to be with their words.

When we call a child dumb,

When we tell a child that you are this,

And you are not looking good,

And all these things,

They have a major impact,

They leave a wound inside the child for life.

So if there was any form of abuse,

And not only if there was physical abuse,

It would become a major trauma,

But for most people it is not physical abuse,

But it is more of emotional abuse.

So this creates this kind of sense of self-worth issue,

Because then again,

We believe the abuser,

Right?

We believe,

If the abuser is saying that you are not good enough,

And you are this,

And you are dumb,

And all these things,

Then I will tend to believe in all those things as a child,

Because a child will not question these things,

A child will just believe them.

So this is where our sense of self-worth issues arise.

This is the root of our sense of self-worth issues.

And later on,

It can also happen in relationships in life,

Right?

Especially,

This happens a lot with separations and breakups,

Where if my partner left me,

Then I will think that I am not good enough,

That there is this major issue with me.

I will internalize that,

Right?

Or maybe if my partner is there and not giving me importance and is interested in someone else,

Then I will develop this major issue.

But we have to stop internalizing all these things,

We have to see that mostly it's not about you,

It's not about you,

This is how life is.

This is how it is.

Breakups and separations are supposed to happen,

This is how life is.

People have to be interested in other people,

This is how life is.

We are not here to totally focus.

If we are having this belief system that my partner should be focused on me all the time,

Then we are having false expectations.

We are here to love everyone.

You have the right to love everyone,

Your partner has the right to love everyone.

Yes,

You can decide to stay together,

That does not mean that you cannot be loving towards others.

So a lot of people develop this sense of self-worth issues in relationships,

That because my partner is talking to someone else,

Or because my partner is interested in someone,

That means there is something wrong with me.

No,

There is nothing wrong with you.

You are as beautiful as your partner is and as the other person is.

It's just how existence is.

We all are here to love each other.

There is no such thing,

There is no rule that there is only one person.

So we have false expectations in relationships.

And these false expectations create this sense of self-worth issues inside us.

And there are many other reasons due to which these sense of self-worth issues,

This happens.

But the major,

The gist of it is this internalization,

That anything that would happen outside of me,

I will tend to feel that it's my mistake or there is something wrong with me.

This especially happens in households where there is this moody personality,

Maybe the head of the family who is constantly angry,

And who is constantly,

His or her mood changes all the time.

And then we will tend to think,

And this person becomes angry,

And then we will tend to think,

Oh,

Maybe I did something wrong.

And that's why this person is so angry.

And then we walk on eggshells,

And we always are constantly worried about,

What did I do wrong?

What did I do wrong?

And that creates the sense of self-worth issue.

Now,

Then we have to now see that how do these issues,

How do these self-worth issues manifest?

In what forms do they manifest?

They can manifest majorly,

Again,

There are various forms in which these self-worth issues can manifest,

But they manifest majorly in two forms.

And those two forms are,

Either I will be very low in confidence,

Or I will be overconfident.

Either I will try to hide myself,

And I will diminish myself,

And I will diminish my light,

Or I will try to show off so much,

That I will become an attention seeker.

And this also results in narcissism,

Because your narcissistic tendencies are due to also people wanting attention,

People wanting control,

And that's why people want to control,

Because by controlling,

They feel good about themselves.

So,

When you see someone,

There are two ways in which you can see this.

If you feel low in confidence,

If you feel this lack of confidence,

Then you have shut down yourself,

Then you have created this shell around you,

When you are hiding in that shell.

This is when the solar plexus chakra,

Now there are two,

As I said,

The solar plexus chakra is your center for your self-worth.

And the solar plexus chakra can either have lack of energy,

Or it can have too much energy.

In both cases,

The chakra is imbalanced,

And this lack of energy will result in low confidence,

And this excess of energy will result in overconfidence.

So,

When I have lack of energy,

I'm kind of diminishing myself,

I've created this shell around me,

I want to hide in that shell,

I don't want to show myself to others,

I'm not feeling good about myself,

I'm feeling I'm not good enough,

I'm feeling that if I show myself to others,

People will judge me,

People will,

You know,

And then I will feel bad,

More bad about myself.

And this constant fear of being judged by others,

It keeps us in this prison,

It diminishes our light,

Then you don't shine as who you are.

So,

Don't diminish yourself,

You are so beautiful,

Each one of us is so beautiful,

You are so amazing.

I want to tell you that,

You know,

I might not see you physically here,

But energetically I can see you right now,

And I can see how beautiful you are,

Please don't diminish that light within you.

You are amazing,

And that's what we don't realize,

Right?

We talked about positive blind spots yesterday,

There are so many beautiful qualities inside us that we don't see,

But others can see them.

We have to see those beautiful qualities.

I know that you are beautiful,

Right?

And you are so much more beautiful than you think that you are.

You are so beautiful,

You are so amazing,

You are so gentle,

You are so loving,

Right?

You have a beautiful soul,

You are such a good human being,

You are so amazing,

I can see that,

I can energetically see this right now in you.

But you think that you are not,

And you diminish yourself,

Shine your light,

You are amazing,

Don't be worried about what others think.

The society judges people who are beautiful,

That's the reality,

And it might sound counterintuitive,

It is not,

That's the truth.

Society judges people who are beautiful,

Why?

Because there is jealousy,

Right?

The more someone is jealous of someone,

The more they will judge them,

And they will diminish their light.

So I want to tell you that you are amazing,

You don't realize it,

You don't see your beauty,

But I can see that,

And I want to tell you that you are amazing,

Please don't diminish your light.

Please bring out that authentic self,

And show your beauty to the world.

Express yourself,

You don't have to show it to the world actually,

Just express it,

Let it be a natural expression,

Don't diminish it.

And this is where shadow work becomes really important.

Because what has happened is that there is a shadow inside you,

This beautiful part of you has become a shadow,

And it is hiding deep in your unconscious.

Let's take an example here,

Maybe there was something really beautiful about you,

That you expressed in your childhood,

Maybe the way you danced was so beautiful,

It was divine,

But maybe people around you judged that,

Maybe it was your culture or something,

And people said that,

It is wrong to dance,

Or why are you being so sensual,

Why are you doing this,

And behave and all these things,

And then what you did was,

You started judging that beautiful dancer inside you,

And that became a part of your shadow,

And now you are unconsciously judging it,

But you don't realize that,

That's the most beautiful part of you actually.

So then we have to integrate this shadow,

Then we have to embrace this part of us that we have judged,

That is so beautiful,

That has become our shadow now.

Embrace that part of you that you are hiding,

That's beautiful.

Now moving on to the other manifestation of it,

Now on the other extreme,

This is one end of the pendulum,

But the other end of the pendulum is when it comes out in unhealthy ways,

And this is when people try to show off,

Try to prove that they are worthy,

Because deep down they feel unworthy,

Deep down they feel unworthy,

This is when you see,

Especially people who try to get a lot of fame,

Who try to get a lot of power,

Who try to make a lot of money,

In most of those cases,

These are the people who have severe sense of self-worth issues,

And now they are doing everything to prove to others that they are worthy.

Look at a lot of celebrities,

A lot of these celebrities,

The question is why do they want fame?

Have you ever asked this question?

This is such an important question.

We tend to idealize these celebrities,

But have you ever asked why do these people want fame?

I am not judging by the way,

There are people who are authentic,

There are people who are pure,

Authentic expression of beauty,

And a lot of celebrities are like that,

But a lot of celebrities are also just doing it for the fame,

And so we have to ask this question,

That why are they doing it?

Why do they need this fame?

Why are they craving this fame?

The simple reason is,

They are trying to prove their worth very hard,

They have this deep sense of self-worth issue,

Due to which they are trying so hard,

And again I am not saying all of them,

But a lot of them,

They are trying to prove so hard that they are worthy through this fame,

And that's why they feel good,

The ego feels fueled,

Right?

A lot of people who have power,

A lot of dictators especially,

Have this severe sense of self-worth issue,

And that's why they want power over people,

Because by having power over people,

They will feel that they are something,

That they are important,

Right?

A lot of people who try to make money,

They have this severe sense of self-worth issue deep down.

If you read the stories of many of these billionaires,

Right now I am reading a biography of a billionaire,

It's a latest release,

I will not name that person,

But one of the richest people on the planet,

And I can see that how his desire to earn money,

Came from this deep sense of self-worth issue.

So,

We see that this comes out in unhealthy ways,

Right?

It is the opposite of having low confidence,

And now I am trying to be over confident,

To get that,

To prove myself worthy.

So,

If you see someone over confident,

If you see someone trying to get fame,

Trying to get power,

Trying to make more and more money,

I think you know the answer why they are doing that.

Ask this question,

Why they are doing that,

And I think you will find the answer,

Why they are doing it.

I don't need to talk about this more,

I think it will be very clear to you.

So,

Let's have compassion for this person.

A lot of these people who try to control others,

Who have narcissistic tendencies,

These are the people,

Who are really feeling,

Really really poor inside,

They are feeling really bad inside,

They have this deep sense of self-worth issue,

They are really hurt inside,

And to cover up that,

They are doing all these things.

They are trying to put a bandage,

By doing all these things,

On those issues.

These are the people who actually require more love.

You know,

And I will say this controversial thing,

But I absolutely believe in this.

If Hitler was given more love,

He would not have done what he did.

He would not have done those horrendous acts.

I wish someone had given him more love.

Love was missing from his life,

And that's why he had this deep sense of self-worth issue,

Due to which he was trying to have more control over people.

He was trying to fill that gap,

By having more control over people.

So these are two extreme ways,

In which these sense of self-worth issues manifest.

So the question then arises,

That where does true,

And this is the last question,

That we will discuss for today,

Where does true sense of self-worth come from?

Where does it come from?

Where does it come from?

Where does this true sense of self-worth,

How do I feel,

You know,

Really powerful within?

And what we have to realize is,

That anything that is impermanent,

If we try to base our sense of self-worth on that,

It will never work.

And that's why a lot of people try to base their sense of self-worth,

On their bodies and on their minds.

Can you see that?

Can you see that how people today are so,

You know,

Are trying to be more confident by.

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Forget even about bodies,

Clothes.

You know,

I met this wonderful person,

And she's amazing,

And I could feel the hurt inside her,

And she said that,

You know,

I feel confident when I wear these clothes,

And she's such a wonderful person,

She was not able to see her own beauty,

And her beauty was dependent on her clothes.

So a lot of people do these things on outer,

You know,

That's the worst thing to do,

To base your sense of self-worth on anything outer.

Anything outer is impermanent.

If I try to base my sense of self-worth on the money I have,

I'm bound to,

You know,

Feel,

At some point of time,

Feel this lack inside me.

Because money can never always make me happy,

And money can also never stay forever.

If I try to base my sense of self-worth on,

You know,

This position that I have with this company,

Again,

That is something temporary,

That is something limited.

I will never feel whole.

Maybe I will feel good about myself for a while,

But for how long?

How long can you feel this strong wholeness within you,

By being a CEO of a company?

And then,

After,

You know,

Basing this sense of self-worth on external things,

Then people will come to their bodies,

And they will base their sense of self-worth on bodies,

And they will think,

Oh,

I have this beautiful body,

So I am better than others.

Again,

We are in for disappointment,

Because as you will age,

As your body will age,

As your body will start experiencing issues,

Our sense of self-worth will go down.

And that's why a lot of people in their old age,

They experience this major problem with their sense of self-worth.

They start feeling really bad about themselves,

And they start having depression.

I have seen a lot of people,

I am sure you have seen that too,

Right?

That you see these people who have aged,

And they are so sad about aging.

Why are you sad about aging?

Aging is a beautiful thing.

But this only happens when we base our sense of self-worth on our bodies.

And then we,

You know,

There is a deeper thing here,

Which is a lot of people base their sense of self-worth,

Not on their bodies,

Not on anything external,

But on their minds,

And on their so-called intelligence,

And their so-called intellect.

But that's again bound to be,

It is temporary.

Anything that comes from the brain is temporary.

I have seen a lot of people who were so proud about their intellect and intelligence,

Who ultimately had some major brain issue.

And those are again wonderful people,

I admire them.

But they experienced some major brain issue,

Maybe Alzheimer's or some disease,

And their intellect and intelligence was all gone.

So again,

That is temporary.

Why would we base our sense of self-worth on the brain itself,

Which is temporary?

So the question then arises,

Where does true sense of self-worth come from?

It comes from something that is permanent.

Anything that is impermanent will go away.

But something that is permanent will give you a true sense of self-worth.

And something that is permanent is your awareness,

Is your consciousness,

Whatever you want to call that,

Soul,

Spirit,

Your God Self,

Your higher self,

Whatever that is.

That's where you derive your power from.

That's where you know that this is something that is permanent.

My body will change,

My mind will change,

Everything will change.

But what will remain is my awareness,

Is my consciousness,

Is my soul,

Spirit.

Again,

All these are just labels,

Whatever you want to call it.

And that's when you feel,

That's when this true power arises,

When you realize that you are,

You are not the body,

The body is temporary,

You are not the mind,

The mind is temporary,

But who you are deep down,

That's permanent.

And the more and more you connect to that,

The more sense of self-worth you experience.

So,

You know,

The culmination of today's talk is in the fact that the more you connect with this awareness of yours,

This soul of yours,

The more self-worth you feel.

And the simple answer to that is meditation.

Ultimately,

Everything boils down to meditation.

Meditation.

And by meditation,

It's not necessarily the sitting practice,

But anything that connects you to your soul,

To your awareness,

To your consciousness,

Will make you develop a strong sense of self-worth.

And that's what I started noticing about myself.

The more I,

You know,

Meditated,

The more I started feeling good about myself.

If you would have met me,

You know,

15 years ago,

I was a very different person.

I was extremely low in confidence.

Extremely low in confidence.

I would have never imagined at that point of time that I will even be able to talk like this,

You know,

With you in these live sessions.

But the more I meditated,

The more I connected to this infinite,

Immortal,

Permanent part of me,

The more I developed that sense of self-worth because I realized I am not the body.

What I am is much beyond that,

Which is infinite,

Which is immortal,

Which is omniscient,

Omnipresent,

Omnipotent.

And that's what self-realization is,

When you realize that you are God,

You are the universe,

You are infinite.

So self-realization is the culmination of self-worth,

Sense of self-worth.

I love you,

And I love you very much.

Because I know that how amazing you are.

Maybe you can't see that right now,

But I know that.

So I want to tell you that I love you.

Take care.

Reviews

I just discovered you today and you radiate such wisdom, kindness, and love. Everything you said made perfect sense and will help me as I continue my healing journey! Thank you!

I loved this so thankyou Raqib. Everything made sense and I also listen to your shadow work course which is so enlightening. You are shining star.

In tears listening to this. Thank you, thank you dear Saquib for your loving words and deep wisdom in this topic.. really needed to hear this. 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽

This was incredible, I loved it so much. Very helpful in increasing my understanding of much that comes through at present from my childhood issues. Thank you thank you thank you 🙏🏽🥰
And you’re AMAZING & BEAUTIFUL too!

Thank you for sharing this message with me. I am very grateful for your insight into self awareness 🙏❤️

Thank you for sharing this wisdom with such compassion.

As always amazing, brought me to tears 😢 really hit home.
Your a beautiful soul 🙏❤️ thankyou 💖

Thank you for posting this, Saqib 🙏💗. I love you!