How To Attend To Suffering Without Feeling Burdened

In this episode, David explores how to attend to the sufferings of the world without falling into despair and feeling burdened. Using his own experience of compassion and despair, and inspired by the teachings of the Dalai Lama, he explores why we should cultivate compassion for the sufferings of the world in the first place, and how to avoid this crippling feeling of despair.

Transcript

This week I'd like to explore a topic which has come up a few times in my discussions with others,

And is also inspired by a chapter from the Dalai Lama's book,

Beyond Religion,

Ethics for a Whole World.

And the question that often comes up is,

How can we cultivate compassion for all the sufferings of the world,

How can we attend to all of it,

Without becoming burdened,

Without it having a heavy quality,

Which drains us and takes joy out of life?

And so firstly,

Why would we want to?

Why cultivate compassion,

A sense of caring for the welfare of others?

Well this relates directly to our sense of well-being,

Our sense of interconnectedness with others.

When we're excessively insular and self-focused,

Focused on our own happiness alone,

We find ourselves at odds with our world much of the time.

It's sentences like,

What about my well-being,

My happiness,

My job,

My family,

My car,

My needs?

What's I and mine become supremely important,

Far more important than others.

And with such a focus on the self,

There lies anxiety,

Worry,

Frustration.

It's all fear-based,

Fear of not getting,

Fear of not being recognized,

Respected,

Praised.

Even a small pain or inconvenience can become so hard to bear,

And our anger and our response to those who harm us or those who get in the way of our happiness can be so great.

We might get angry at the sound of kids playing when we read or meditate.

It's weird that this self-cherishing mind can drive us to be angry at the mere sight or sound of others enjoying themselves,

But it's true,

It can.

So to be clear,

This is not merely a general self-interest,

Which can be guided by wisdom.

This is about an excessive focus on only our happiness and suffering,

With a complete disregard to the happiness and suffering of others.

But conversely,

When we open our hearts and turn to others,

We find a different quality of experience.

Compassion is not merely a spiritual or religious practice,

And it does not only bring benefit to others.

The first beneficiary of compassion is oneself.

As the Dalai Lama says,

When compassion or warmheartedness arises in us and shifts our focus away from our narrow self-interest,

It is as if we open an inner door.

Compassion reduces our fear,

Boosts our confidence and brings us inner strength.

By reducing distrust,

It opens us to others and brings us a sense of connection with them,

A sense of purpose and meaning in life.

Compassion also gives us respite from our own difficulties.

I remember a time back when I was really struggling with depression.

My outlook on life was very bleak,

And I was struggling with the events that were happening in my life.

It was very much a heavy burden,

And anybody who knows anything about mental health knows that it twists your view and isolates you from everybody else.

You feel very alone in your struggles.

And it was at this point that I was working in mental health services,

Caring for people in my local community.

And I remember one day in particular that I was really struggling personally.

I was on a visit to someone's home.

We'd had a call from a concerned neighbour about someone who was previously known to services but hadn't been seen by a professional in years.

They'd completely fallen under the radar.

And when we visited,

I was struck by the situation that this gentleman was in.

Piles and piles of belongings and rubbish filled every room.

The kitchen and bathroom were just unreachable.

And he was living,

Eating and going to the bathroom all in one spot.

A crevice in a sofa in what looked to have once been his living room.

He didn't feel worthy of a different quality of life than the one that he had now.

His depression had twisted his view on his life,

Himself and the world.

And as heartbreaking as it was to see,

Seeing a fellow human being just like me in this situation.

In my efforts to help and by thinking about not only this poor gentleman but people all over the world who suffer in similar ways,

My internal pain actually subsided.

I didn't realise this until afterwards.

But by attending to the suffering of others and wanting to help,

My own suffering had reduced.

My problems,

My issues,

Were no longer centre stage.

It's not that they had vanished,

My external world had transformed.

But something inside had shifted which switched my feelings of overwhelm,

Loneliness,

Grief,

Sadness into feelings of connection,

Compassion,

Confidence,

A sense of purpose.

And so this uplifted me,

It lightened my burden.

Instead of poor me,

The thought in my mind was,

How can I help?

And there was a sense of freedom in that,

This cage door being opened.

Science and modern psychology also supports this view that compassion,

Attending to others with a sense of caring,

Has a beneficial effect on our wellbeing.

They've observed how love,

Kindness and so on not only have psychological benefits but observable physical health benefits as well.

And then on the other side,

We know that hatred,

Anger,

Anxiety,

Resentment,

They all have the opposite effect and actively eat away at the immune system.

So beyond the benefits to our own wellbeing,

Compassion quite clearly is beneficial for others as well.

It drives us to help,

To be a force for positive change in the world,

To see things not merely from our perspective but from multiple points of view,

To take into account others' wellbeing,

And that leads to cooperation,

Connection.

So now we turn to this dilemma which some people come to.

Nowadays,

We're often faced with the vast sufferings of the world through news and online media.

There's so much that it can feel easily overwhelming.

How do we attend to all this suffering with compassion and not simply become burdened?

It's here that I'd like to first turn to the Dalai Lama's advice in his chapter on compassion.

So reading his words,

Some may still feel resistant to the idea of universal compassion.

While admiring such an outlook in others,

They may feel that adopting it themselves would entail taking on the woes of the world and that they have no room for all this additional suffering in their lives.

In a limited sense,

It is true that caring for others involves sharing in hardships that are not our own.

However,

The discomfort that comes from sharing the pain of others is of a quite different order from the direct experience of our own suffering.

When you empathize with someone who is in distress,

You may initially feel some mental discomfort.

But having voluntarily chosen to open yourself to the difficulties of that other person shows courage,

And courage imparts confidence.

By contrast,

When the pain is your own,

You have no such freedom or choice.

The difference is clear.

Furthermore,

Although compassion arises from empathy,

The two are not the same.

Empathy is characterized by a kind of emotional resonance,

Feeling with the other person.

Compassion,

In contrast,

Is not just sharing the experience with others,

But also wishing to see them relieved of their suffering.

Being compassionate does not mean remaining entirely at the level of feeling,

Which could be quite draining.

After all,

Compassionate doctors would not be very effective if they were always preoccupied with sharing their patients' pain.

Compassion means wanting to do something,

To relieve the hardship of others.

And this desire to help,

Far from dragging us further into suffering ourselves,

Actually gives us energy and a sense of purpose and direction.

When we act upon this motivation,

Both we and those around us benefit still more.

And so I think this is a very important distinction.

Compassion,

Yes,

First entails empathy,

Of course.

For us to have compassion and feel motivated to help,

We must first feel with the other person.

But it doesn't stop there.

The discomfort we initially feel by empathizing then,

Ideally,

Becomes fuel for the fire of compassion.

Empathy,

Combined with what Tibetans called sera shuk,

Or the power of the heart,

Kindles compassion.

And then the power of compassion focuses on solutions,

What can be done.

Compassion does,

However,

Have a near enemy that you may be familiar with,

A false facsimile,

Something that looks like it,

But which is a totally different flavor.

This is what we could broadly call grief or despair.

This is when compassion goes awry.

This is when we get stuck in the empathy stage,

Feeling the sufferings of others.

And instead of a fire being lit,

It just becomes all-consuming.

A heaviness sets in.

We lose our ability to act,

And instead fall into a pit of despair and cynicism.

We might have thoughts like,

What's the point?

The world is a horrible place.

I can't do anything.

We see the sufferings of ourselves and others and become utterly consumed by it.

And this mindset disables us.

I recognize this myself.

This is very much where I ended up back when I was suffering with depression,

Before I found meditation in Buddhism.

I reached a point where I was totally consumed by the sufferings of my life and the world around me.

And feeling it so much,

I felt all the world had to offer was suffering and I just didn't want to be involved.

I wanted a way out.

I was lucky to find Buddhism,

Which helped me see these distinctions and helped me see that I can react differently to the suffering I see.

I can.

Instead of falling into grief and despair,

Which helps no one,

It doesn't help me,

I become utterly useless,

I don't act,

I just feel bad.

And so then I don't help others either.

So instead of falling into that mindset,

I can choose to respond differently.

I can choose to see that suffering and think,

What would I want?

If I was suffering in that same way,

I'd want help.

I'd want someone to do something,

To care,

To listen,

To act.

And so I can light that fire of compassion,

That passion of what can I do?

How can I help?

And it may be that I can't do very much.

But doing something is better than doing nothing.

We may be out on a walk and see tons of litter outside and think how awful all of this is.

All these people who don't care just throwing their rubbish wherever and then feel bad for the world,

The animals that might be harmed,

Pollution,

Degradation of the environment.

Far better than simply to feel bad for the world is to pick up one piece of rubbish,

To pick up two even better if we can.

We may think,

What's the point?

How will it all help?

But by picking up that one piece,

You may save one animal or fish from eating it or being strangled or trapped by it.

You may take it further and decide to organize a litter pick up or simply raise awareness.

The point is that doing something is far better than doing nothing and thinking,

What's the point?

Furthermore,

When we act and do something,

It feels better.

Remember that sense of connection,

Compassion,

Confidence,

Meaning,

Purpose?

Knowing our place in the world is beneficial,

Not harmful.

Any feelings you might have had of cynicism,

Annoyance,

Helplessness,

Despondence,

Which eats away at our heart,

It's nowhere to be seen.

So,

The next time you witness suffering,

In person or you're shown it on the news,

TV,

Online media and so on,

Instead of turning away when there's that initial discomfort of empathy,

Let a fire be lit.

Let yourself feel and turn it into compassion,

The need to do something to help to care for the welfare of others.

So there is much more that can be said,

But I offer these thoughts and words for your consideration and contemplation.

I hope they may help.

Reviews

Helpful. 🙏

Wise helpful thoughts. Motivating. The difference between empathy and compassion explained in an easy way to understand. Thank you 🙏

My heart has been mended to learn how to transform the great sorrows in my heart and mind to action.

Thank you for sharing your journey and personal experience . There is a way to attend compassionately without constantly feeling burdened by a world of suffering. Action, however small, lightens the load. It also stops me feeling powerless and desperate which is a very uncomfortable place to be, which can soon lead me to depression and cut off. I'm also a litter picker . Tiny steps to action are great for me!

Thank you

Thank you, this really helps!