Working With The Nagging Sense That You Are Lacking

How do we work with the persistent sense that "I am not enough"? This dharma talk begins with a teaching from the ancient Zen master Linji, about how we search outside of ourselves for what we imagine will make us whole and good. The talk then explores the origins of this sense of lack that arises in all of us, and how we can work with it.

Transcript

So this morning we continue with our exploration of the Linji Lu.

Let me read just a short passage that we all know well by now.

If people of our own time are not able to realize the fruits of the practice,

Why is that?

It is because they do not have the virtue of self-confidence.

Because you do not have the virtue of self-confidence,

You are always preoccupied,

In a hurry to run after myriad kinds of objects outside yourselves.

And then you're turned around in circles by these objects and lose all your freedom.

And then,

Moving on,

My friends,

As far as the insight of this mountain monk goes,

There is no difference between you and Shakyamuni Buddha.

Today,

In every ordinary daily activity you do,

Do you feel you lack anything?

Is there any moment when the six miraculous beams of light do not shine out?

Anyone who has that insight will be a person who has nothing to do throughout his life.

So Linji tells us that we are always preoccupied,

Running after myriad kinds of objects outside ourselves.

They turn us around in circles,

We lose all our freedom.

And then he tells us again and again,

The practitioner who does not have enough self-confidence will always direct his attention to what is external.

Do not run after things outside of you.

Do not direct your energy to chasing after something outside of yourself.

People go in search of three bodies as absolute standards outside of themselves.

I counted this morning.

He tells us at least eight times not to go searching for things outside of ourselves.

And I don't get the impression that Linji was a particularly chatty guy.

He's trying to tell us something so important about being human.

But there's only one place where he points to why we may be so constantly absorbed in looking outside of ourselves.

Today,

In every ordinary daily activity you do,

Do you feel you lack anything?

This morning I would like us to explore this idea of lack.

Because that sense of lack is what fuels us to go running.

Running after so many things that we hope will make us feel whole and make us feel good.

So,

Following Linji's instructions,

When I look at lack,

The first place to look is within.

What do we mean by lack?

Linji is not talking about the kind of lack that we mentioned in the Dharma dialogue a few days ago.

The real lack,

People who do not have what they need to live.

Food,

Shelter,

Clothing,

Companionship.

He's talking to monks who are in a fairly sheltered environment.

They have enough to eat,

They have a roof over their head,

They have clothes.

And here we are,

Mountain monks,

Sitting in the midst of abundance.

We have this beautiful zendro,

We have delicious food,

We have heat,

We have the Dharma,

We have each other's companionship.

We are in the midst of abundance.

And yet,

I sit on my cushion,

Feeling the lack,

And finding myself falling into plots and plans and strategies to get what I feel I don't have.

So,

What does this lack look like as it arises in me?

I notice that it's a feeling of not being enough.

And that it's waiting to arise at any moment that it has the opportunity,

It wants to land somewhere.

So,

I make the mistake of collecting the sutra books too early and need to be almost physically restrained.

Whoa,

Lack.

I don't say enough in the Dharma dialogue.

Lack.

I say too much in the Dharma dialogue,

Lack.

And it's not just the mind of right and wrong that I think is a lovely phrase,

But carries a kind of neutral quality to it.

This is,

This lack that Bob feels carries shame.

A sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.

My face gets flushed.

And this lack is just waiting to find a home,

Moment after moment.

Linji knew about this,

And he was trying to tell his monks about it,

And hoping that they would have self-confidence.

So,

I investigate further.

And I notice that there are moments when the lack is not there.

When I'm bowing to the Buddha at the altar.

When I'm bowing to one of you in the parlor,

As we talk about some arrangement for Sashin.

When I'm lighting a candle.

When I'm ringing the wake-up bell.

Those moments when there is no separation between me and what I'm doing and who I'm with.

Sometimes it's the Dharmakaya,

It's the oneness,

The emptiness.

It's just,

Just this.

Sometimes it's the Sambhogakaya,

Sometimes it's watching the snowflakes.

No Bob,

Just miraculously individual beautiful snowflakes falling.

No lack.

Sometimes it's scrubbing the toilet,

Sometimes it's scrubbing a pot.

When we're just in it,

The Nirmanakaya.

And what I notice is that that dream of self,

That person who is not enough,

Subsides.

And in those moments when we really see,

When we really ask that question,

Who's hearing?

Who's taking the step in Kinhin?

There's nobody there.

And then even the question falls away.

Then there's no lack,

There's no separation.

Linji says to us,

Have self-confidence,

That's what we need.

And to play with his words.

I've come to see as I explore how lack arises and passes away in Bob.

That really it's the moments where I have confidence in no self.

That there's no lack.

And there's no need to pursue anything,

No strategy.

And so I would urge us monks to be awake for those moments when we have no self-confidence.

What about this lack that wants to attach anywhere and everywhere it can?

Well,

I came across a book recently by a Zen teacher and philosopher.

His name is David Loy.

Some of you may have read him.

He writes a lot about politics and the environment.

And he makes a link that I find so helpful.

A link between lack arising for Bob on the cushion and so much of what we see in the world.

He says that most of us,

Maybe all of us,

Not just Zen practitioners,

But everybody,

Has an intuition that there is no fixed self,

No entity,

Nobody home.

And that that intuition is terrifying.

And so we handle it in a variety of ways.

Some of us come to the coming and going Sashin and we practice and we investigate this matter.

But he says that some of us instead react to that terror by doing everything we can to try to make the self more real.

This self that can't ever be made real.

And so we move out into the world seeking for affirmation of a self that's important,

That's immortal,

That's just there.

And he says that some of that may help us understand the pursuit of things that on the surface of it may seem a little crazy.

So the pursuit of wealth for its own sake.

Not the pursuit of meeting one's material needs.

But the pursuit of wealth because,

As one of my wealthy patients said,

The wealthier I am,

The more of a player I am.

Or the pursuit of fame.

Think about all the people who want to become famous.

I actually had reason to look at this.

A recent survey said that in fact more than half of millennials said that one of their major life goals was to become famous.

Why would we want to have many,

Many people who we've never met know our name and think about us?

That's an odd preoccupation.

Well,

One idea would be that this is one way to say,

Yes,

I'm real,

All these people think about me,

I'm a real self.

And in thinking about this lack,

I think this is what brought me,

Started the seeds of what brought me to Zen.

When I was a teenager in my high school English class,

We had to read English poetry.

And teenage boys don't generally like English poetry.

I didn't.

But our teacher gave us a sonnet that became a kind of turning word for me that simply knocked me over.

It's by the British poet Shelley.

Some of you may know it.

It's called Ozymandias.

I'm going to read it.

I met a traveler from an antique land who said,

Two vast and trunkless legs of stone stand in the desert.

Near them on the sand,

Half sunk,

A shattered visage lies,

Whose frown and wrinkled lip and sneer of cold command tell that its sculptor well those passions read,

Which yet survive.

Stamped on these lifeless things,

The hand that mocked them and the heart that fed.

And on the pedestal these words appear,

My name is Ozymandias,

King of kings.

Look on my works ye mighty and despair,

Nothing beside remains.

Round all this decay of that colossal wreck,

Boundless and bare,

The lone and level sands stretch far away.

Suddenly I was aroused out of my teenage self-absorption because here I was with so many other people I knew,

Trying to be exceptional,

Trying to figure out what was my mark going to be in life.

And here was this poet giving us this image of someone who was so certain that he had mastered everything.

And there was this monument to him that would last forever.

And there it was shattered in the middle of empty sands.

And then there is the contrast,

The possibility that Linji holds out for us.

Is there any moment when the six miraculous beams of light do not shine out?

Anyone who has that insight will be a person who has nothing to do throughout his life.

Ah,

What a relief.

No self to shore up.

No empires to build.

Just one foot in front of the other in the Kinhin line.

A true person of no rank.

So my lack continues to arise.

I'll find a home for it probably within a few minutes.

What then?

Well,

It's not to be banished.

It doesn't work that way,

As we know in our practice.

Everything invited in,

Nothing left out.

What then might be the spiritual teaching in this lack?

Well,

It allows me certainly to have much more compassion for myself.

And for those many,

Many hungry ghosts roaming around,

Trying to be good enough,

Trying to fill that void.

And also,

As I see the lack and I see through this dream of self,

It leaves me,

It leaves all of us more open to seeing the real lack everywhere.

Places where we can really be skillful in alleviating poverty,

Hunger,

Injustice,

And aching loneliness.

And so,

Like everything on our path,

My lack is a gift.

How boundless and free is the sky of Samadhi,

How bright the full moon of wisdom.

Truly,

Is anything missing now?

Nirvana is right here,

Before our eyes.

Thank you.

So,

Sit,

Sit any way you want.

That's how our Dharma dialogue,

Yeah,

Shows.

There's nothing lacking in what you said.

Oh,

Thank you.

Oh my gosh.

Can I just record that and play it again?

Okay,

Good.

Reviews

Great talk affirming my misguided efforts to seek [whatever] outside myself. I have often been saddened by the thought “there’s no there there.” But perhaps that is a sense of “no self,” and I should be dive deeper into that freedom!

Thank you 🙏

Absolutely refreshing.