Relationships & Social Connection

In today's session with Robert Waldinger, we'll be focusing on how our relationships and social connection with others make us both happier and healthier. Building and maintaining good relationships is so important but it is something we often lose sight of in the midst of all the demands on our time and attention. Today you'll learn two easy practices you can build into your weekly routine to nourish the important relationships in your life.

Transcript

Welcome to day eight of establish a positive mindset a challenge here on insight timer crafted to help you break free from negative thought patterns Overcome self-limiting beliefs and embrace a mindset of abundance and possibility.

Let's jump in to today's session Hello and welcome to establishing a positive mindset a challenge here on insight timer My name is Robert Waldinger and I'm a psychiatrist as well as a Zen teacher In today's session,

We'll be focusing on the impact that relationships and social connection have on how we feel about ourselves and on the ways that warm Relationships make us both happier and healthier.

We start with a question that all of us ask ourselves What actually makes us happy and what keeps us happy as we go through our lives?

Is it wealth or fame or high achievement?

I've spent most of my career studying this Directing the longest study of adult life ever done It's called the Harvard study of adult development and I'm the fourth director of the study for 85 years We've tracked the lives of 724 families to see what helps us thrive Studying thousands of people year after year from their teenage years all the way into old age we can see which people lead lives that feel rewarding and fulfilling and Which people live lives of misery and disappointment The most startling thing we've learned over these 85 years is that it isn't getting rich Or becoming famous or winning lots of prizes that makes us happy It's building and maintaining good warm relationships with other people the people who feel best about life are the people who have solid connections with others and even more surprising as we age the people who stay physically healthy longer and Live longer are those who are more warmly connected to others good relationships bring so much richness to our lives They bring us fun and recreation.

They offer new ideas and experiences and their sources of help and Solace when we go through hard times as we know life brings difficult times to all of us When we asked our original study members to look back at how they got through big life challenges like the Great Depression or World War two Everyone said that it was other people who helped them get through it Neighbors who shared what little they had when everyone was hungry Family and friends who wrote letters to soldiers serving in the war We all need people we can turn to in times of trouble we find that all kinds of relationships bring benefits to our lives including family friends work colleagues and Even the casual connections we make with baristas and postal workers and taxi drivers They give us little hits of well-being They remind us of how much we share with each other and they help us feel that we belong in the world They put us in a more positive frame of mind people who feel lonely or who feel isolated from others are more stressed They're less happy and less healthy in the long run that's why building and maintaining good relationships turns out to be so important in our lives and It's something that we often lose sight of in the midst of all the demands on our time and attention In our study of how life unfolds for thousands of people We found that the people who thrived were the people who more actively tended to their relationships with others They invested in friendships in family in community Those people who didn't put much energy into their relationships Often found that perfectly good relationships withered away and disappeared not because anything was wrong But just from neglect From lack of attention.

So what can we do to make sure that we lean into our relationships?

How can we care for them and nurture them our challenge today?

Demonstrates just how we can do this I'll guide you through the kinds of small actions that we can repeat day after day week after week That keep our connections with important people vibrant and active Let's do two challenges together first sit in a comfortable place and Have your phone with you or some other way to send a text or an email now Sit comfortably and close your eyes Think of a person in your life who you wish you spent more time with maybe it's a friend Who you're always happy to see but you and your friend find you just don't get together off Perhaps it's the person you live with but you spend so much time on domestic Activities like taking care of children or doing housework that you're more like a tag team dividing up tasks Rather than a true friendship or romantic partnership,

Or maybe it's a co-worker Who you like but wish you could get to know better.

Okay now hold that person Firmly in mind think of what you'd like to say to them in a text or an email It could be anything from I'm thinking of you and just saying hi to I'd love to make time to take a walk or have a meal together now Take a few minutes to compose that text or email with your message now hit Send you will be amazed at how often people respond Enthusiastically when you reach out like this,

Of course sometimes people won't reply either because they're busy or stressed or they missed the message or They're just not in a position to get back to you right now if that happens.

Don't take it personally Don't let this discourage you just try again with someone else now Let's move on to our second challenge.

This one is about expressing gratitude There's good research showing that gratitude makes us happier Gratitude practice is the simple act of calling to mind things that you appreciate Our minds are trained to look for what's wrong in our lives This is actually a helpful quality of the mind because focusing on what's wrong or on what might go wrong Lets us anticipate problems so we can solve them but this bias Toward what's negative can overshadow the awareness of everything that's not wrong in our lives Everything that's good and worth appreciating the beloved teacher Thich Nhat Hanh Described this quality beautifully He said when we're having a toothache We know that not having a toothache is a wonderful thing yet when we don't have a toothache.

We're still not happy a non Toothache is very pleasant It's helpful to actively call the good things to mind our second challenge focuses on this Particularly on feeling and expressing gratitude for a person in our lives So again sit comfortably think of someone who's been an important person in your life Someone who has helped you inspired you Supported you or in some other way been there for you when you needed them think of the specific qualities about that person that you appreciate or Particular actions that you're grateful for now Spend a few moments writing a note to this person Telling them what you're grateful for perhaps Including what your life would be like if this person hadn't been part of it This could be a text or an email or a handwritten note or card Take a few minutes to do this right now now send the text or the email If you wrote a note by hand Commit to putting the handwritten note in the mail today That's the end of our challenge take a moment now to think about how you feel What was it like to think of that person that you'd like to connect with?

Was it a little scary to send the message?

Remember that it's totally normal to feel a bit uncertain when reaching out There's always a little risk in initiating a connection with someone else Even if you know them well because we never know what to expect in response But more often than not you'll find that people will be happy that you reached out now Think about how you felt completing our second challenge how it felt to call to mind the person you're grateful to have in your life and the those particular memories of how that person has been meaningful to you as you think back on this I Bet you'll notice warm feelings and you might even find yourself smiling That's the first benefit of practicing gratitude towards someone Even before we express our gratitude to the other person what you hear back adds layers of positive feeling to what you've already called to mind this active nurturing of our Relationships isn't difficult to do and it doesn't require a huge effort All that's needed is consistent attention You can make this an ongoing practice and as you may have found today Nurturing relationships helps us feel more positive about ourselves and the world Set the intention to reach out to two people each week to say hello And perhaps suggest getting together or having a phone chat Decide that once a week or even once a month you're gonna call to mind someone you're grateful for write down what you value about having them in your life and Then let them know as you make each of these exercises into an ongoing practice You'll see how much positive feeling comes back to you and how connections can be re-energized by these small actions You will bring more joy into your own life and into the lives of the people who are important to you I'd love to hear back about how this goes So,

Please leave a note in the discussion forum about what you hear back from each of these connections What was the other person's reaction?

What was the result of reaching out?

I look forward to hearing from you and thank you again for joining me today

Reviews

Thank you. This is exactly what I needed. My 2026 intention is to stay connected with my loved ones. I tend to be busy and...time flies and I don't keep close

It was helpful but hard. I am an intervert and my biggest challenge is reaching out and spending time with others. I tend to be shy and lonely. I had a shy and lonely childhood . Now I’m old and still the same and have more tools. It’s an ongoing survival job
Thank you for these tools . I’ll practice,

Very inspirational, motivated me to take actions I might not have taken otherwise. Thank you!

Been thinking about several people and encouraged me to reach out!

Thank you so much for a very useful lesson on how to be and feel connected and re-connected with family and friends. It feels good to consider gratitude when thinking and reaching out to those around me. Thank you once again.

Just listening to this made me feel good. Doing the exercises only enhanced those feelings. Very good advice, thank you!

Relationships are like any other growing, living thing. They need tendong and loving, and attention. Thank you for bringing this very important message to the forefront

Thank you! Beautiful. We listened as we set out on an annual road trip to connect with friends and family.

Thank you, this was fantastic and I appreciate your guidance and kindness. Thank you so much.

Great ideas thank you!!

Really enjoyed this exercise. It felt really nice sending my chosen recipients their messages.

Absolute best practice. Thank you for sharing. I will start these two things this week.

Thanks Robert. So helpful.

This was clear and simple. The 2 challenges Robert suggests are very helpful.